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In Agony...The Battle With My Heart For So Long


DaisyDaisy

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Hi everyone. I'm completely imprisoned by my feelings. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what the answer is. I'm really hoping maybe you guys can help me, because i can't speak to anyone else. I've become so cold and closed off to everyone and everything since what occurred on Sunday.

 

Basically...there is this guy I'm in love with, and have been for 3 years. It started off as a friendship. We were friends for about 6 months before anything happened between us. I wasn't even attracted to him at first. I was 16, and he was just a friend to me. But then he became an amazing friend. He became a best best friend, truly amazing. And we grew really close, sharing everything; our stories everything. He was 17 at the time. We met at school. Then one day in June, he asked me out. He was nervous that it would be awkward, but he asked me anyway. I eventually realised that he wanted SO much to be my boyfriend. I wasn't really bothered at first...I didn't want to ruin the friendship. But he persisted, and I could see this look in his eyes that was the most faithful look in the world. I felt as though he was falling in love with me. So...i guess eventually i became convinced. We started dating. It was amazing. I never imagined being able to have a boyfriend and best friend all wrapped up in one. That summer, we were inseperable. We spent every hour of the day together, walking through parks, heaths, finding trees so we could kiss and make out underneath (we had no where to go at the time). We were madly in love. Then Summer ended...University started. I was worried things would go wrong, that life would get in the way of our romance. We started fighting a lot. About random things. He developed a paranoia. But eventually we always got through everything. Our strong bond and love got us through everything. So we stayed together. Oh yes, and we lost our virginities to each other. But after a year....everything ended. We had another stupid dispute, and we broke up, both remaining bitter towards each other.

 

I was devasted for months. But eventually...we started talking again. 6 months after the break up, we started talking again, and we fell in love all over again. He told me that he felt sick the thought of being with anyone else and in all our time apart he never stopped thinking about me. So we decided to give things another try, with a hope for greater compatibility this time. We had even more amazing memories this time. We stayed together another year, and even more. Our passion was greater and we were both falling more and more in love each passing day. Then...ahhh....then this is where it all goes horribly wrong. I had to go abroad for 2 months. I was doing an internship for journalism in France. We held each other so tightly before i left...it was only 2 months, i kept saying, only 2 months and I'll see you again. But no...whilst i was away, things became hectic. We kept having conversations via msn. They all kept going horribly wrong. I told him lies, I switched off my phone, saying there was a lack of reception; I told him so many many long-winded lies about where i was going to be etc. I thought it would just be easier to lie. But eventually, he always figured out every one of my white lies, and eventually lost all his trust in me. He kept forgiving me each time, because i said i wouldn't lie about anything anymore, but it kept happening again. And he kept finding out. Eventually, he was so hurt and wound up by it all, he said I'm just full of bull * * * * and that the relationship is causing him too much pain. We broke up whilst I was away. I came back, and I never saw him again.

 

I was in severe depression for 2 months. Sometimes I felt like I really wanted to die because i'd lost him. And it hurt even more because it was the second time I'd lost him. A couple of times I called him up, emotional and hysterical, begging for another chance. He hated talking to me because every single phone call turned into me screaming and shouting, and crying. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, I wanted us to get through it, I was desperate. But he was hurt, disappointed, and angry. He was not nice or forgiving. By making those phone calls, I was just making things a thousand times worse. So, eventually I stopped. And we didn't talk again.

 

Months went by. I got over my grief. I accepted what happened and i took responsibility for my actions. But I knew that I could never contact him again. I thought he could never forgive me. I thought he didn't want me to contact him. So I didn't dare.

 

8 months went by. He texted me. I was shocked.

To put this into perspective, this happened just recently, in January. He said he'd wondered how I was doing, and why i disappeared. I said that I thought he was still annoyed with me; and that a friendship wouldn't work. Suddenly, he came back into my life in a flash, my heart was suddenly on fire again. We met up, and it was wonderful. We went for a walk in the park. And that look in eyes his that had once died, it was alive again. He looked at me with those eyes again. It was as though our friendship was untouchable. It was a truly surreal and wonderful experience. We were laughing, joking, getting on like a house on fire. We spoke about everything. He asked me if I had dated anyone, I said no. He said he hadn't either, that he didn't believe in insignifact relationships.

 

Later that night, he texted me, asking if I ever think about our relationship and what we used to have. I replied saying of course 'I always have'. It was clear he had missed us. We continued contact as friends for a couple of months. Talking/messaging every day. Then...something terrible happened. And that would explain my suffocating state, right now, as we speak, as i type this...It's what happened on Sunday.

 

We were supposed to meet up that morning, but he cancelled on me last minute and stood me up. I then had to go to the countryside for a family gathering. I messaged him, asking him what his problem was, why he was incapable of making plans with me. Then he became agitated and said 'with everything you did in the past, and everything i put up with, its so ridiculous that you should complain about me'. Things just started getting bad. I was running hectically upstairs where there was reception to message him back and forth. Then I said I wanted to see him. I left the family gathering abruptly, got on a train and told him to meet me at the platform. He said he wouldn't miss it for the world, and that he's dying to see me.

 

It was a huge rush of excitement. I ran out of the station, and his car was right there, in the middle of the road, holding up all the other cars so that I could get in as soon as i arrived. He was so excited to see me. He was hugging me and everything. We got inside my house (everyone else was out, in the country). And I offered him a drink. Then I couldn't contain myself and i took my coat off and we just made out. We had sex, did everything. For about an hour.

 

Afterwards I felt so happy and so amazing. I was making him coffee and we sat down and had a drink, and it was all great until........He drops the bomb. He said he felt weird doing what we did, because we arent in a relationship anymore. He was suddenly withdrawn and closed off. He said 'I'm sorry, but I can't do that again'. I was so hurt, and confused. He kept apologising, saying that he thought I felt the same way, that i found it weird as well. But i didn't. I didn't at all. He said it was amazing when we were in a relationship, but we're not in a relationship now so it was an odd experience. So i just said 'well...why not just go out again then'. And he was suddenly shocked and looked appalled 'after everything, after everything, how could I forget what happened, no, it's never going to work, it's never going to work'. He was agitated and closed off. I asked him why he didn't tell me everything, why didn't just be honest and open up like he used to. He just said 'thats the way i am. I dont feel so comfortable.' But he never used to be like this...when he said this it made me want to cry. I obviously pushed him far away from me. He started talking about 'the drive of lying' i used to have, and that he can't forget, no matter what his heart wants.

 

I recognise this agitation of his. He always acts like this when he's conflicted and confused. But he even manages to convince himself that he's not confused, so it frustrates the hell out of me that he acts like 'Hes so sure of what he wants'. But really he's not. I was incredibly sad to find out that he was still not over the bad stuff of the past. I thought he had gotten over the past. But no. He was still very much living in the past. He kept accusing me of lying about random things; that I had a 'hidden agenda' about seeing him, that when i made a joke that 'I shouldn't lie'. I was so shocked at where all this has suddenly come from, after 2 months of being happy with me, he was suddenly all agitated, and he said 'I thought i'd forgiven you, but i guess i haven't. I just forgot, as opposed to forgiven'. It just ended with him saying we can still be friends and he gave me a hug and left.

 

Later that night I saw him at a nightclub (i was with my friends and he was with his), and he just acted as though I was some kind of stranger, speaking to me with formality when we were talking at the bar 'Oh hey how are you, what's new?' What kind of ridiculous thing is that to say...my gosh..he was polite though, and so i was too. But still. He was not the same with me. I messaged him the next day, and he was replying so coldly. His messages were so stilted and brief.

 

I dont know what to do now. I honestly don't know what to do. I need to make him understand that i have not been AT ALL dishonest with him recently and im not like how i used to be. He just doesn't seem to care about wanting to see me anymore. The friendship, the texts he used to send, asking me how i am everyday, that's all disappeared.

I'm going out of my mind. I was given hope that things could work out again (and i think he was too) but now that is crushed.

 

Except- he handles it by avoiding me. And I'm handing it by not being able to eat or sleep because i want to fix things. I need to talk to him.I know he's terrified of a relationship right now, but i just want us to be friends and see if (in getting to know me again) he would consider a relationship for the future. I want things to go back to the way they were. I just remember how happy he was with me, and how much joy we brought into each others lives. But we're just drifting apart again and i need to stop it from happening. I'm losing my mind. my mum cried this morning because i haven't been able to talk to her about anything and ive been cold and distant to everyone. At one point i thought the best thing to do was email him telling him i dont want to talk to him ever again (because thats probably what any sane person would do), but i cried whilst writing it and didn't send it in the end. I cried for hours, wishing i could do something, thinking about how much i loved him, thinking about how many times we promised each other never to let go. always be here for each other, thats what we promised. and thinking about his distance now.

 

I was so close to messaging him again to meet up and talk. because i so need to talk to him. I can't talk to anyone else. But it seems like all he wants to do is stay away from me for now. So i was scared it was the wrong thing to do. I could wait a week (for him to cool down) but then i was scared that would be worse because by then he might get used to the idea that i should be completely forgotten. Basically. He's conflicted. He loves me, but he hates some of the things that i did.

 

I want to tell him : ''I thought you got physical with me because you trusted me; I thought in these couple of months of getting to know me again you were thinking of our relationship as a new one, i thought you let the things of the past go. I need you to make a decision. You can either forget about what happened in the past, or you can't. It's your decision but i need you to make it. You can't forget one day, and remember the next day. You have to decide whether you want to live in the future or whether you want to live in the past, don't mix those things up. Because if you can't forget, then I can't handle you blowing hot and cold, so i need to stop contact with you and move on with my life.''

 

I really want to tell him that. its just bursting out of me. But i dont know what the right time is. I dont know if i should wait. What do you all think? I can't let go just yet. I love him with all my heart. (apologies for the insanely long post)

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Sounds like he's got some issues he hasn't resolved, and may well never resolve. I think unfortunately, you need ot walk away from this one, for now anyway. And if does come back yet again, try and flush out any issues from him before getting involved again.

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hey thank you for your advice... I guess youre right. But its agonising have to bare this, when there must be a way to resolve/flush out his issues. If 8 months of distance didn't work, what will? I can't give him amnesia! And the hardest part of it all is that i'm sure he still loves me. And i dont want to waste this connection we have and regret it for the rest of my life.

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It's not up to you though. You can't make it better. All you can do is offer to talk it through, and hope he somehow discovers an open mind and a way of moving forward. Unfortunately, that's all you have to go on. Might be easier to walk - who knows what a few years can do.

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Do you think I should talk to him now whilst the topic is hot , or should i wait for everything to cool down and then in 2-3 weeks say 'hey , wanna have lunch ?' just casually , and then talk it through then.

?

 

He may not agree to the talk now, because he's wanting to be withdrawn right now.

And yet he may not agree to the casual thing either- he might be thinking 'why should i waste my time falling in love with this girl when i dont see a future with her'. because that is basically what happens. Everytime we meet up and hang out its always amazing.

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I texted him monday night saying 'Thanks so much for chatting about everything with me because i found it really hard to deal with at first, but now i understand you and ive come to terms with everything more or less. I hope work is going well i dont want to be a distraction'.

He replied this morning saying- 'You're welcome. Its not biggy at all. It's the least i could have done after all the nice things uv done for me. Anyways i hope alls good with you and uv started your courseworks now. I better get back to my work! Take care x'

 

What are your thoughts...? I was happy to get this text from him but i still feel really uncertain and upset about everything. He was so crazy about me in the build up to our meeting llast time, he was like sooo dying to see me. And the fact everything changed and he just doesn't care anymore really really hurts. I feel so sad at the thought that he could be disgusted by what happened but for me it was really amazing. I'm too scard to ask him that question directly cuz a) I dont wanna drag this on after its ended on a positive note and b) im afraid of the answer

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"I'm too scard to ask him that question directly cuz a) I dont wanna drag this on after its ended on a positive note"

 

I think at this point in time it's best not to bring it up again unless he is willing to talk about it himself. Give him some space and time; maybe that time not talking might make him realize how much he misses you, unless of course he feels that he can't ever forgive and forget.

 

Did you explain to him why you felt the need to lie while you were away for 2 months?

 

It's too bad, it seems like you both had a good thing going. Hopefully he finds it in his heart to forgive and forget.

 

Best Wishes!

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