I am so confused.

[Capella]

My ex and I were together for about 6 years. During that period of time he cheated on me, lied to me, was verbally and emotionally abusive and left me several times to chase after women and have random sex. This last time he dumped me, in October of 2008, he finally got a "steady" relationship with a clingy, desperate girl who was the reason for our breakup. Before he left, we would fight every day because he wouldn't tell this girl to stop texting him day and night every day. She would even try talking to him while he and I were spending time together. He swore he only saw her as a friend and vice versa, but two weeks after he dumped me, they got together. Lo and behold, he rushed into it and two weeks after that he started texting me wanting to know what I was doing and with whom. Fast forward to now, he texts me everyday, tells me he is in love with me and thinks we are soulmates, buys me things, calls me on the phone and says that he wants to be with me. So I ask him why he continues to sleep with and be with someone else, even though he is cheating on her (because talking to me and telling me those things behind her back IS cheating) and he says he cares about her feelings and thinks he is helping raise her self esteem, which is the cause of her clinginess (so like penises have magical qualities that help raise self esteem? He shouldn't be sleeping with her, right?). Well, now he says he isn't sure when he will leave her for me, but that it will happen "some time in the future."

 

I don't have time for that stuff. I am about to start school again, I know I can do better than him...I don't even know if I love this guy anymore. I think I do and I like talking to him and whenever he tells me nice things, like that I am his soulmate and that ultimately I am the one, but I don't know. I obsess over him and his relationship. I hate that girl he is with and I don't buy her innocent act. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to make choices in my life around this situation. I think what is really bothering me is that I am disgusted that this guy thinks he is a good person and that the girl he is with thinks she won and beat me. I think I just want to show her all the texts he has sent me, all the IM conversations (where he complains about her and says he wouldn't care if he ever saw her again) so that they will break up and both will get what they deserve. I think I am just obsessed with the idea that karma hasn't gotten to them yet. I can't live with such injustice. I think what I want is to destroy them both, not actually be with him. I don't know what to do. Should I show her everything and then move on and block them both out? Or should I just move on without doing anything? I am so confused. I just can't stand that both are fine when I am the only one who knows who this guy really is and what he is doing.

 

Help?

[heatspreader]

I think if he really loved you he would have left this girl a long time ago or actually never got involved with her. I think he is just messing with you. Maybe you would be better off to move on and try to forget about him. Showing her everything might just cause a lot of unneeded drama. Forget about them and let them ruin their own lives and make yours better.

[uofagirl]

I agree with the above poster. If he really loved you and cared for you then this situation wouldn't have ever even evolved -- bottom line.

 

I think you just need to rid yourself of him. You CAN do better then someone like him and the beauty of it is that you KNOW that. You said it yourself! You can and you will.

 

Let them have eachother ... he's her problem now and she's his. So be it. It is what it is. Your happiness is all the matters here...and happiness is not with him.

 

Just lying is enough to say BYE! But add cheating AND verbal abuse ... and you've got BUH -- BYE!

 

Keep on doing what you're doing ... even better, stop talking to him all together.

 

You are better off.

[odile]

My ex and I were together for about 6 years. During that period of time he cheated on me, lied to me, was verbally and emotionally abusive and left me several times to chase after women and have random sex. This last time he dumped me, in October of 2008, he finally got a "steady" relationship with a clingy, desperate girl who was the reason for our breakup.

 

Excuse me?

Over the course of 6 years, the man was cheating, lying, and abusive to you.

Firstly, you should have had more than enough reason to end things long ago.

Secondly, you can hardly blame this girl (however pathetic she may or may not be), because it is he who chose to leave you.

 

Before he left, we would fight every day because he wouldn't tell this girl to stop texting him day and night every day. She would even try talking to him while he and I were spending time together. He swore he only saw her as a friend and vice versa, but two weeks after he dumped me, they got together. Lo and behold, he rushed into it

 

If this guy has manipulated you so easily for 6 years, is it really that inconceivable that he would do it to someone else? Clearly he was encouraging this "clingy" behavior from her. Furthermore, if he has lied to you, you can rest assured that not only is he doing it still, but that he is doing it to her, as well.

 

and two weeks after that he started texting me wanting to know what I was doing and with whom. Fast forward to now, he texts me everyday, tells me he is in love with me and thinks we are soulmates, buys me things, calls me on the phone and says that he wants to be with me.

 

This isn't about love, or "soulmates".

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He's basically stringing you along.

In all honestly, he sounds like someone that enjoys controlling other people.

Your devotion to him feeds his ego.

 

So I ask him why he continues to sleep with and be with someone else, even though he is cheating on her (because talking to me and telling me those things behind her back IS cheating) and he says he cares about her feelings and thinks he is helping raise her self esteem, which is the cause of her clinginess (so like penises have magical qualities that help raise self esteem? He shouldn't be sleeping with her, right?). Well, now he says he isn't sure when he will leave her for me, but that it will happen "some time in the future."

 

No, he should not be sleeping with her.

More importantly, the poor girl should not be sleeping with him.

Even more importantly, you yourself should not even be considering sleeping with this miserable excuse for a human being.

 

There is nothing generous or benevolent about any of the the things that he is doing.

He is really twisting things to attempt justify his very wrong behaviour, and to convince you (and by extension himself), that what he's doing is O.K.

Raise her self-esteem? Seriously, what a joke! Being with this guy would only serve to lower her self-esteem in the long run.

Look at what's happened to YOUR self-esteem!

 

 

I don't have time for that stuff. I am about to start school again,

 

You most certainly don't have time for this loser. He has already eaten 6 years of your life.

 

I know I can do better than him...I don't even know if I love this guy anymore. I think I do and I like talking to him and whenever he tells me nice things, like that I am his soulmate and that ultimately I am the one, but I don't know.

 

Listen to how much you are contradicting yourself in that last statement.

You like the nice things that he sometimes does, but you know that those aren't consistent enough. The nice bits don't make up for the ugly bits here.

He comes as a whole package; what you see is what you get.

And frankly, he is half a package short.

 

I obsess over him and his relationship. I hate that girl he is with and I don't buy her innocent act.

 

She is probably every bit as deluded as you are in regards to this guy.

You are allowing yourself to play into the myths being spun by this cretin, and so is she.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to make choices in my life around this situation.

 

Sometimes the most important choices are the ones that seem most difficult to make.

Change is hard, but ultimately, you have to choose whether

 

A.) You want to spend even more time waiting in the gutter for this waste of a man to come/go/come/go, treating you crappily all along, or

B.) Whether you have the guts to stand up, really acknowledge that you are better than this garbage, and get out of this mess once and for all.

 

I think what is really bothering me is that I am disgusted that this guy thinks he is a good person

 

If he does believe that he is a good person, then he is even more severely twisted than we can even guess.

However, I would guess that actually, deep down, he believes he is emphatically not a good person.

Why else would he so desperately crave narcissistic supply?

He craves validation from other people; his ability to convince you that he is an O.K. dude (even when he is so clearly not) is what provides him a sense of self.

The longer you stick around, the longer you are sending him the message that what he is doing---the way that he is treating you (and others)-- is acceptable.

You have been sending him the wrong message for too long, and the only way he may have any chance to grasp the right one is by cutting him from your life.

 

and that the girl he is with thinks she won and beat me. I think I just want to show her all the texts he has sent me, all the IM conversations (where he complains about her and says he wouldn't care if he ever saw her again) so that they will break up and both will get what they deserve.

 

Actually, If she thinks that she "won and beat you", then she is likely very misguided.

The reality is that rather than beat you, she's saved you!

She's gotten this monster a little bit farther away from you, and you should be grateful for it.

 

If he was saying horrible things about her to you, you can only imagine what horrible things he's said about you to her. I guarantee you, it's happened.

You should try to get this in perspective.

Personally, I think breaking up *is* what they both deserve!

Or rather, this guy deserves NOBODY, and this girl deserves to know the truth, and to have a chance to escape from his clutches before she wastes 6 years of her own life in the way that you have,

 

I think if you have any information/documentation that might help her to recognise the nature of the beast she is dealing with, then perhaps it makes sense to share this with her-- but don't do it out of anger-- do it out of kindness.

 

I think I am just obsessed with the idea that karma hasn't gotten to them yet. I can't live with such injustice. I think what I want is to destroy them both, not actually be with him. I don't know what to do. Should I show her everything and then move on and block them both out? Or should I just move on without doing anything? I am so confused. I just can't stand that both are fine when I am the only one who knows who this guy really is and what he is doing.

 

Destroying her would be mindlessly vindictive.

And there's no need to destroy him, he'll do it to himself in one way or another.

He's already destroyed whatever's left of the place where his heart must have once been.

 

You asked: "Should I show her everything and then move on and block them both out?".

If you decide to give her the information that you have, perhaps it is best to do it in the form of a letter or something.

Write only the facts, and leave it to her to do what she will with the information. Beyond that, stay out of it, and stay far away from them.

I think that this is by far your best option.

 

And no, you DON'T want to be with this guy, and you have to be strong about this.

Pretty words, and store-bought gifts really don't add up to enough.

Surely you must know you are worth more than that?

 

For the record, they are not "both fine"; he is sick in the head, and given time, he'll be able to make her sick, too.

[TomboyMS]

Wow. You tell 'em Odile.

[Adge]

You said it yourself. You can do much better. He sounds like a mixed-up, immature moron. Go get yourself a real man. Plenty out there that will treasure you without all the hurt.

 

Go for it!

[soulmeetsbody]

I know how you feel. My ex was abusive and manipulative but the brain tricks you into looking over these things because deep down you believe you're soulmates and there is an incredible love story underneath all of this that justified all the pain and the drama.

 

You spent 6 years with him and after all he's done to you, he isn't a partner, he is a BAD HABIT.

That's all he is - like using drugs! it's hard to quit but you deserve so much better. Don't let the very normal feelings of missing him and the good memories take your mind off his manipulative and abusive ways. He's never going to change and he feeds off using people and destroy their self-esteem.