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My ?troubled? girlfriend (currently Ex) and me... any thoughts?


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This is an email I wrote one person, and I'm just copying and pasting...


I want to say one thing before. I have done so much for this girl, and I love her so much. I do not expect her to do the same things for me, just that she smiles and is happy in the end.. (preferably with me). I'm a mature 27 yr old, I was in the army for 4 years, and I served in Iraq from 2003-2004. I am much more mature than most guys my age. I'm a very good and dedicated loving boyfriend. I am not leaving anything out about myself. When I say things were good at points, I literally mean they were great. I posted this somewhere else, and someone accused me of not being more understanding, and that she was probably not Bi-Polar. Well she is, she has been the whole time, and it doesn't matter to me because I love her.


I thought (and still think) that this was my soulmate, and that I was going to marry her... So here it goes:



I have dated my girlfriend (now ex) for just over 14 months. We had an amazing start, and as the natural cycle of relationships go, the immediate super intense in love became a realistic and lasting love. Things were good for a while, we had some ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we loved each other.


In August, she knew she was starting school in a few weeks and started to act differently. She became very stressed and worried. She has a BA in Music Therapy, and is going back for Nursing. She has been gone a while, weighs a little more than she did the last time, and is just plain nervous.


As school starts and moves more into the semester, I have noticed that she doesn't seem to be "in love" with me sometimes. But at other times, things are still so amazing. The gray area started to disappear, and it became either intensely wonderful, or the opposite.


Once the Winter break hit, it was like magic, we were back to normal, and things were fantastic the entire 4-5 weeks. A few days before school started for her, she reverted back into the stressed and worried person that consumed my girlfriend.


The good times because less often than the bad. And by that I don't mean things were "bad". We still had fun, and hung out. Just the "in love" feeling was gone more. The happy Mary (obviously my now ex girlfriend's name), is the most wonderful and amazing person I can be with, I know that is who I want to be with for the rest of my life.


The other side, I still love very much, because I know it is still her. And I would be with her forever knowing that I would see both sides. I would of course hope that it would become more manageable as time goes on.


She says that she doesn't know if it is the Bi-polar or not. Yet evidence suggests that it is the combination of that, and the stress, which causes her to fall out of love and back into love. It is literally like a light switch. One day she is loving and affectionate, and intimate... And the next day it is the polar opposite. ---- Although it usually would be periods of weeks/months, it was never one day this, next day that, next day this again... In the entire duration of the 14 months, I'd say collectively it was more good than bad, but once school started, it was more bad than good, but not by much.


Well, a few weeks back while we were still dating, she started talking to an ex boyfriend who now lives in Florida. They talk fairly often, although by now its died down a bit. I found out after we broke up. She claims that there is nothing there, at least nothing she knows of. She is so confused about herself. She says that it is possible she has feelings for him, but it could be nostalgia. And the fact that talking to him removes her from her life here temporarily in her mind.


In any case, she says that every other day she wonders if she made a mistake, and she does miss me as a boyfriend. She just knows that right now she doesn't want me to be her boyfriend. She said she feels immense guilt about the time that she is the "bad" side of her.

And because of that, it consumes her even more, and she feels horrible that I am still so good to her.


The only thing that has really changed since the break up... is no more hugs and kisses (and other things). We live together, and have lived together for 12.5 months now, our lease isn't up until May 31st. In any case... I still love her very much, and I don't know what to do. I want to maximize the chances of her and I possibly getting back together... And if not, then being friends.


I told her in the beginning when she told me about her bi-polar, that I would stick by her. She said she might even break up with me and not really mean it, but not realize it for a while. So how do I know what is right here? She claims she knows she doesn't want to be with me, yet a year ago she said it could happen, and I said I'd stick by her side.


I am sure I may have forgotten minor aspects of this all. I just am not sure what I should do to maximize those chances I previously mentioned.

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Minor aspects like what happened during the breakup?


Anyhow, one thing that always is true regarding women is that their actions and their words often times differ from one another. In short, her actions speak louder than her words. She may tell you she has feelings, but the bottom line is she broke up with you for whatever the reason. You can't deal with her words because, as you suggested, she's bi-polar. Further, do you really want that headache the rest of your life? I can promise you, there are plenty of women who aren't like that.


As for the relationship, if you truly want to have even a sliver of a chance of getting back with this person then you absolutely CANNOT let her have her cake and eat it too. That is, she broke up with you, that means no contact, no benefits, no sex, no companionship, and no friendship. You have to think higher of yourself to say that if this girl doesn't want to date me, if she doesn't want the whole package, she can't get a portion of it either. What I'm getting at is after the lease is up you two need to go your separate ways. As long as you allow her this type of a leash on you she's going to take it, and you need to think more highly of yourself.


Unfortunately this falls squarely in the territory of "if you love someone set them free".


You need to define what it is you want from her, and if she's unwilling to give it, you must be willing to move on. It's sad, but if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be.

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She is going to be 27 just as I am..


BZ, thank you for the input, you actually pretty much summed up what I think for the most part with adding a spin and your own advice.


It is quite sad in the long run. I really do not know what to think. I stopped talking to her everyday (and I am staying with my best friend for the week) and she seems to be jealous or irritated by that now. I don't know what that means, but I don't think she likes the fact that I seem to be doing fine on my own. Which I don't think is malicious, but just how anyone would feel even in the slightest.


I'm very confused right now. Its very hard to get over the fact that there is no more sex, there is no more of this and that. We haven't had sex since the break up, and I want to, but I won't.


Honestly, I hope she realizes what she is missing out on by me being gone. Conceited or not, she isn't going to find someone that is as patient and as good to her as I am. (considering the Bi-polar). I am just wired that way. I had posted on another site, and someone said that real mature love, isn't about feeling that "in love" feeling all the time.


They were right, it isn't. And I worry that she is throwing away something great over missing something in times of great stress and demand.


All of my friends, and even her, said that I would have no problem finding someone else... and to be honest, they're right. But the problem is I truly love Mary, and that is what I want right now, Bi-polar or not.


If I knew for 100% sure, that it was not the stress and/or the Bi-polar... well, then I'd find it much easier to move on.


To put it simply, in the last few days (when I started to be/act happy again) she has gotten somewhat mean. She texted me to tell me she erased all the texts she had saved... I haven't initiated any conversations/texts in the past 3 days or so, and she seems to be bothered by it... Maybe I'm wrong. But women sure are confusing, especially this one.


BZ, you said that sometimes what women say and do mean opposites of just that.... I agree, but it could work the other way too....


Thanks for the input, I sincerely appreciate it. Hope to hear more in the coming days. Maybe it really is over, IDK, Ive read a ton of articles about this stuff, and sometimes it turns around from the most seemingly permanent split, and sometimes when everything looks like the relationship will repair, it doesn't.


Thanks again everyone.



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  • 1 month later...

Hey Shawn,


Just by reading your entry and your responses I can obviously see you are a grown up guy who's got his head screwed on right about the whole situation. I just posted a very similar thread (trying to be friends with my ex). I gotta tell you some more why its similar... In fact, I'm kinda amazed (and i'm also from wisconsin, though living in MN).


My ex gf and I broke up about 6 months back. I was dealing with some major stress: financial trouble, no clear job, loss of friends and to top it all of, my former ex girlfriend got engaged. That set it all off... I was 25 at the time (turning 26 in a week) so relatively mature, though looking back on it, I just want to slap my former self in the face because of how much of an idiot i was. I considered moving (to madison), really wanted to get out and it affected our relationship (which until that point was wonderful) so much so that in the end I felt like I needed to start over and broke up with her.


For a few months, she still would come and sleep over. I am really sad to say that we would just have sex and I would feel better. I felt in control...and the game began. She would, then i wouldn't and so on...until 2-3 months ago, she grew distant, because i can only imagine it hurt for her a lot as well. She finally took my pictures from her room and about a month ago was the last time she called just to say goodnight. I really dont know where it all is going. Like you with yours, I am also still, and will be for a long time, very much in love with her. She has a beautiful soul and the way she sees the world is amazing. I just needed to work things out and was not mature/smart/experienced enough to go through with it in a proper way so that we would still be together. I hope beyond hope we will eventually just have fun together and see what happens and start a new relationship. I really, really do. But i'll have to wait and see and be smart about it from now on.


Some advice I can give, kind of being on the other side in your situation (though I do not live with her, which I can imagine must make everything so much more difficult) is just learn to have fun with out her again, like you did before you met. Start your own hobbies and give her space. It is great to hear that you are not intamitely involved, that will complicate things too much. The reason I want her back is that I am less stressed and realize what I am missing and how dumb I was before. I saw that she got busy, started to have fun and wasn't "waiting" for me anymore. To break the cycle, you cant let one of you have control over the other. Just try as hard as you can to be yourself and have fun, everything else will fall into place... thats what i hope will happen in my situation anyway. GOOD LUCK!

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Thank you very much.


To update everyone. I am single. Her and I are friends, we talk every once in a while. She suddenly started to have feelings for that guy (her ex) that she was talking to. I really believe she is making a mistake (as her friend, AND as her ex).


In any case, thank you all for the advice and encouragement. It really did help, regardless of the outcome now, and whatever it may be in a year, 2, or 5 years.


She is going to Florida in a week, we shall see how things go with her and her new guy. (well the old boyfriend she started talking to etc etc). I'm not bitter. I'm jealous at times, but I love her as a person first and foremost. And if she will be happy with this guy, then so be it. I do think it is a mistake, and she is definitely not right in the mind, which doesn't help at all.


Well anyhow, its all good. And I'm going to focus on me this summer and see what I can accomplish by myself.


Thanks again everyone.

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