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Am I wasting my time


PkyGirl
When He Says He Wants Space | Begin...
When He Says He Wants Space | Beginner's Guide

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Have you talked to him about it?

 

Have you asked him what he is waiting for? Does he feel uncertain or does he want some milestone to be finished first (school, pay off a debt, get a better job, etc?)? Does he see marriage as something he wants?

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IMO, married or not, if you love a person, its never a waste of time to continue being with them. Marriage is just a title, it doesnt ensure a commitment.

I was with my ex for 6yrs and she put a dead line on marriage, pushed for it hard, and left me the day after our 6th aniversary, the day I believe was her personal dead line to be engaged. Otherwise she alwase expressed how she was wasting her time with me.

 

I didnt marry her because she pushed it so hard. I didnt believe that she would stay with me for better or worse, and I was right. I would have stayed with her forever, unmarried or married. However I did make plans to ask her to marry me, this spring. But thats all changed now, she's taking a chance on someone new only after being away from me for a couple days.

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I'm sorry that it worked out that way for you, too.

But in all honesty, if you'd been prepared to stay with her "for better or for worse", then what made you wait 6 whole years before considering proposing to her, when you knew it's what she wanted?

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Well... has he told you why it is that he wants to wait, or what it is holding him back?

 

No he hasnt. And I don't want to be one of those girls that wait 6 years and then realize its never going to happen. I am 37. He thinks I am being selfish. He has told me before that he wants me to be his wife but he never follows through with it, he has even gone so far as to ask me to pick out some rings for him to choose from.

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No he hasnt. And I don't want to be one of those girls that wait 6 years and then realize its never going to happen. I am 37. He thinks I am being selfish.

 

Uh, excuse me??? What exactly is selfish about wanting some form of commitment after 3.5 years?!

Especially when he hasn't given you any reasons for why he feels like waiting.

 

Calling you selfish about this is just plain rude, and probably a tactic to put you on the defense so that you stop "nagging" , or "pressuring" him, or whatever he probably sees it as.

 

He has told me before that he wants me to be his wife but he never follows through with it, he has even gone so far as to ask me to pick out some rings for him to choose from.

 

Okay-- back to the "selfish" thing-- how can it be selfish if it's what he says he wants, too?

 

When was this ring-choosing business?

Is it possible that maybe he's trying to save money for a ring?

It's all very curious.

 

Personally, if you've been waiting a while, and have been given no assurances of any kind,

I think that it really makes sense to try to have an open and frank discussion with him about it.

Be calm and rational. Hell, give him a powerpoint presentation.

Explain your position. Allow him to explain his.

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I'm sorry that it worked out that way for you, too.

But in all honesty, if you'd been prepared to stay with her "for better or for worse", then what made you wait 6 whole years before considering proposing to her, when you knew it's what she wanted?

 

Because she didnt feel the same way. She wants to GET married. I dont believe she wants to BE married.

Had I married her 2-3years ago, Im sure id just be going through a divorce right now. Theres more to our breakup then not getting married.

 

I am sorry that it turned out that way for you.
Everything happens for a reason. Coming to this site has opened my eyes up about her. Im glad I waited.
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Because she didnt feel the same way. She wants to GET married. I dont believe she wants to BE married.

Had I married her 2-3years ago, Im sure id just be going through a divorce right now. Theres more to our breakup then not getting married.

 

Everything happens for a reason. Coming to this site has opened my eyes up about her. Im glad I waited.

 

Ohhhhh, well that's a whole different story, and indicates that somewhere in your gut you must have felt some doubt.

 

Sounds like it worked out for you, afterall!

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Good for her for standing up for what she believes in! I think she made it clear that she wanted marriage and you were making it sound like she had to "deserve" it and wasn't a joint decision.

I'm sure you'll both be happier if there is no resentment in the couple.

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Shes not standing up for what she believes in, shes trying to punish me for not giving her what she wants. She is a manipulator,abuser and user-has been our entire relationship.. and it really screwed me up. She never has steady friends, her family is more then dysfunctional (I wouldnt even call it a family, just a scatterd mess of seperated people that love to hate each other and constantly manipulate/use/abuse each other, noone has jobs,alot of drug use, all divorced (some many times) custody of children and all live off assitance). Life with her was constantly chaotic, emotional,frustrating and suspicion. But there were alot of good times, Only when her family was out of the picture. Her family was the huge issue with me. They are people you never want to meet, everyone looks down on, and gets pissed of when they find out what they are all about. I honestly could not see her marriage values being very strong. She says she would never get divorced. but she also said she would never cheat, never leave me, never stop loving me, never take my child from me, never take advantage of me, never hurt me. Yet shes done all of that with out an ounce of regret.

 

I would agree that she was standing up for what she believes in, IF she wasent being a controling, enraged, crazy mean Bit**. Yelling and screaming at me on the phone, for no reason, while im being civil about actions for my son. Constantly insulting me, as well as her parents doing the same thing. She denied me to see my son, then she played games when I did get him, only wanted me to have him when it was her convience (baby sitter so she can go out). She doesnt want me to have any custody rights, constant conflict with things in my house, then she started accusing me off harrasment for texting I love her, and Abuse for holding a door open. Threating to call the cops to get things from my house (that are mine), threatning to smash the windows out on my home and cars if I keep saying I want 50/50 custody of my son. Ugh, and so much more. To go with it, This is there parents territory, they know this like the back of their hand and they are coaching her the entire way. You would think normal parents would be trying to straighten things out, keep things civil, do whats best for children, Instead they are helping her destroy my life, hers and the kids.

ive done nothing to incourage this behaviour. ive been being extra generous, very caring and considerate, killing her with kindness, I expressed how much I love her and wanted us to be together, and that I did plan to marry. I even told her I respected her choice to be seperated, but I wanted to be treated respectfully and that she shouldnt be treating me so horrible. I moved all her things from my house at my expense, took a day off work, I gave her more then I should, Ive gone out of my way to make things easier for her, Yet I get treated horrible.

I think she made it clear that she wanted marriage and you were making it sound like she had to "deserve" it
She needed to be commited and real to the relationship. Honestly, she didnt "deserve it", I dont even think she ever wanted it. Like said, She likes the idea of getting married, not being married. Just like her desire for kids, she wants like 10 kids, but she cant stand the 2 we have. She likes to be pregnant, and loves the attention she gets. Once the baby is born, shes depresed and wants to be pregnant again. Then the baby is just a burden.. she loves the baby more then anything, but once it can walk and talk.. She wants to be pregnant again.

 

Just to be clear, she its not your average girl. She has some screws loose. I could write a book about my history with her, and people would just shake their head and think "omg", you were going to marry her?

Sad part is, i still love her, still want her, cant focus on the enormous amount of bad about her,- I think thats just because how bad she messed me up, she kiled my self esteem, got me to drop all my freinds, controlled my life, she became my life, I think thats a big reason I was wanting to marry, I didnt think I could do any better/still dont.

 

 

 

_--sorry for thread stealin

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PkyGirl, pardon us for ganking your thread for a moment,

-- and king6, since it's slightly off-topic from PkyGirls' OP, you might want to start a new thread where we can talk about this stuff more in depth...

 

BUT, I just could not not reply...

king6, you dodged a bullet, you really did.

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Maybe he's just not sure yet. I know, you'd think by now he should know, but there's got to be a reason he's hesitant. Has been married before? Have you? Im wondering if this has anything to do with it.

 

Mmm... that's a good point.

Sometimes people who have been previously married are more cautious than they were the first time around.

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No he hasnt. And I don't want to be one of those girls that wait 6 years and then realize its never going to happen. I am 37. He thinks I am being selfish. He has told me before that he wants me to be his wife but he never follows through with it, he has even gone so far as to ask me to pick out some rings for him to choose from.

 

I found what worked best for me was bringing up the future without being marriage specific. I had the same issue as you - my guy never wanted to talk about engagement / marriage but it wasn't the commitment that was driving him away, it was the actual ceremony.

 

- Ask about his future goals for different time frames: 1 year, 2-3 years, 5 years

- Ask if he is ready/serious enough to draft papers with you concerning will, power of attorney etc... at the lawyer's.

- Ask about the living situation - purchase of a house, living together and just renting etc...

- Ask about kids.

 

It's so easy to placate someone with the carrot of the ring when it's not when the issue at hand. What you really want is a commitment, if you wanted a ring - you could go out there and buy it yourself.

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IMO, married or not, if you love a person, its never a waste of time to continue being with them.

 

Well.... that kinda depends, doesn't it?

 

Say you are with a guy you love. Called Tom. Tom doesnt love you as much as you love him. You are his "until I find the one" girl. You met tom when you were 30. 6 years into your relationship with Tom, he breaks up with you for "the one". You don't meet anyone else that you can have a long term relationship with.. again.

 

But if you had broken up with Tom at the 3 year mark, you would have had the chance to meet Simon when you turned 34. You might have fallen in love with Simon, gotten married, and lived together the rest of your lives - through good and bad times.

 

But because you were with Tom at the time you could have met Simon, you didn't get to meet him and you spend the rest of your life alone.

 

Anyway thats just a bleak awful example - but my point is, I can see occasions in which staying with someone who doesnt want to commit their lives to you (when you do to them) is a "waste of time". Marriage isnt the perfect indicator of commitment but it's probably the strongest we have (feel free to disagree).

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My last guy spent a whole year bringing up and telling me how we were gonna get married. We moved in together, opened up joint accounts, looked at rings...then he knocked me up, told me we'd get married right away and have kids after we got a house together, if I got an abortion. Did so, had to be hospitalized for complications, and he broke up with a week later even before I was healed. Then told me he never could picture marrying me. What I'm saying is...if a man wants to marry you, it won't take him a few years to get to that point if there are no milestones to reach...and if a man wants to leave you, he'll leave you regardless if you set a deadline or not.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting what you need. If he's not willing to give you want you need, he's not the dude for the you.

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odile, you stayed with the women for SIX years...obviously, she can't be all that bad...unless you had a gun to your head for six years...the relationship you're in, is exactly what you were looking for

 

Erm, I think you might have mixed me up with another poster... I've never been involved with any woman (much less women) for 6 years.

 

tattoobunnie, I think what you're trying to say, though, is that if someone stays for 6 years, then that is evidence enough that the relationship must be good.

 

I have to say that I wholeheartedly disagree.

People don't always stick around for the right reasons.

 

The amount of time that two people hang around only gives us an idea of how familiar they were to one another.

 

Those years could have been great, or they could have been just O.K., or they could have been terrible; there's just no telling based on numbers alone.

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This "selfish" thing makes me so sad...and MAD!

 

I felt like my ex treated me the same way. He acted like any little crumb he threw me was more than I deserved and that I wasn't even able to express my opinion without being considered "demanding." I was and am a very easygoing, tolerant person. I never raise my voice, nag, push. But anytime I respectfully told him what I wanted or needed from him, I'd get this cold defensiveness.

 

No, he wasn't that way all the time. He just started it when he was going through a tough time in his life. And no, I wasn't the perfect partner. Sometimes I was kind of mean or perfectionistic towards him. But I know I didn't push him or ask for unreasonable things.

 

I was fine with going without some things but I did expect him to at least communicate with me. I didn't like being treated like I was being unreasonable when I know I wasn't.

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