melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 well, i have been cheated upon. My husband just admitted (after i caught him) that he has had an affair for over 6 months. That he was now trying to end it as he wanted to be with me and our daughter. that this will not ever repeat, he would so anything i need to forgive etc etc. we have been together for 5 years, married 3. there is slight complication. i was pregnant at the time of the cheating. and now we have 3 weeks old baby. i am obviously very tired (nursing the baby), hormonal, not capable of thinking straight of what to do. therefore would appreciate some advice Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I'm sorry this happened to you. The question is, can you forgive him (honestly forgive him) or not? Link to comment
TENNFOLD1974 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 It's your decision no matter what, but........keep in mind once a cheater always a cheater. Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 If you want to work things out with your husbans, I'd suggest some sort of marriage counseling. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I am sorry this has happened to you also. I would question why after six months he decides that he no longer wants her and wants to be with you. Maybe she finished things with him and now he is trying to save the marriage he has been destroying. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 It's your decision no matter what, but........keep in mind once a cheater always a cheater. I don't agree with this. I have cheated once and never would again. Link to comment
TENNFOLD1974 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I don't agree with this. I have cheated once and never would again.With all do respect that's like saying a spouse abuser will never hit you again,you know they will. Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 i guess that the million dollar question - and really - i dont know whether i can forgive him. also i am wondering whether to stay or go.. i guess if i leave now i might have higher chance of meeting someone else while i am not too old. on the other side now i have baby to think about.. which is very new concept to me ... Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 i guess that the million dollar question - and really - i dont know whether i can forgive him. also i am wondering whether to stay or go.. i guess if i leave now i might have higher chance of meeting someone else while i am not too old. on the other side now i have baby to think about.. which is very new concept to me ... Whatever you do, don't stay together just for the kid. if you're not happy, you're not doing the kid any favors. Besides, the baby is only a few weeks old. Better to do it now, than in a few years Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 With all do respect that's like saying a spouse abuser will never hit you again,you know they will. There is a big difference between a spouse abuser and someone who cheats. An abuser has deep-rooted insecurity issues and that will drive him/her to repeatedly abuse. Someone who cheats may or may not have deep-rooted issues. A cheater who does have deep-rooted emotional issues will indeed likely cheat again if they don't fix their issues. A cheater who cheated due to circumstances and who regrets it may never cheat again. How did you catch him? Do you think he is truly sorry and was indeed trying to break it off? Has he given you a reason why he cheated? Who did he cheat with? Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 i did question this. from what i gather she did not turn out to be as good as it seemed at the beginning.. at this point of course i dont know what to believe. she seems still to want the relationship - i asked him to call her and put her on speakerphone so i can have some sense of what the relationship is... Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 With all do respect that's like saying a spouse abuser will never hit you again,you know they will. I have to disagree with you on this one (not about the abuse, but the cheating). People cheat for different reasons and saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' is too much of a generalization. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 i guess that the million dollar question - and really - i dont know whether i can forgive him. also i am wondering whether to stay or go.. i guess if i leave now i might have higher chance of meeting someone else while i am not too old. on the other side now i have baby to think about.. which is very new concept to me ... Do not make a rash decision. Take your time and think clearly. No decisions while you are coming to terms with it and very emotional. Talk to him, maybe think about marriage counselling. He needs to be able to open up with you about why he did it. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 it is an extraordinarily low blow for him to cheat on you while pregnant, but unfortunately fairly often it happens. he may be conflicted about the new responsbilities a baby brings, or not like your pregnant body, or be afraid he will 'damage' the baby during sex, or resent the attention that is being focused on the new arrival (and planning for it) rather than focused on him. Or he could just be someone who likes to cheat and will do it again and again. So in cases like this you need to insist on marriage counseling to help investigate why he did this, and work on either trying to repair the damage, or deciding that you can't or don't want to and want to get a divorce. Marriage counselors are experienced with helping couples deal with infidelity, so i think you really need to go to one. It's usually not sufficient to just try to 'forget' about it, as the deeper issues and anger and betrayal usually go unresolved. btw, the first step to overcoming infidelity is ALWAYS that he must make a total and complete break with the other woman and stop any form of contact including emails, phone calls, meetings etc. So he needs to break it off completely. Tell him to put her on speaker and to break it off with her while you hear him do it. He has to be firm and final, and understand that it doesn't matter what she wants, it is over and he must cut contact. Link to comment
Bambino Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Mel, I cheated on my wife also. I told her about it and she forgave me and I did it again. A cheater can never change until he faces himself and see what an * * * * * * * he really is. If you take him back, make sure that you tell everybody you can about what he's done, your parents, his parents, friends, family, the OW's family, everybody. He has to see the damage he has done and suffer shame for it, before he can begin to atone. Also, make him PROVE everything he says or does, don't take his word for anything. It will take a long time to get over, but it can be done. Link to comment
TENNFOLD1974 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I have to disagree with you on this one (not about the abuse, but the cheating). People cheat for different reasons and saying 'once a cheater always a cheater' is too much of a generalization.I do apologize,I'm basing my opinion upon my own experiences.But it makes me think if someone says they'd never cheat again why in the hell did they cheat in the first place.Cheating is something people do when they don't love who their with...just my 2cents. Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Mel, I cheated on my wife also. I told her about it and she forgave me and I did it again. A cheater can never change until he faces himself and see what an * * * * * * * he really is. If you take him back, make sure that you tell everybody you can about what he's done, your parents, his parents, friends, family, the OW's family, everybody. He has to see the damage he has done and suffer shame for it, before he can begin to atone. Also, make him PROVE everything he says or does, don't take his word for anything. It will take a long time to get over, but it can be done. I don't agree with this. I don't think it's a person's job to punish their partner. A partner is your equal, not a child. I'm afraid that would only lead to resentment on both sides. Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 How did you catch him? Do you think he is truly sorry and was indeed trying to break it off? Has he given you a reason why he cheated? Who did he cheat with? i spotted some text messages on the phone. from those it was not clear if the relationship is being terminated or not. however, from the phonecall (on which i asked him to put her on speakerphone) and some texts she sent afterwards i buy it. i can see he is truly sorry - ironically i dont know whether it is because of what he has done or because he got caught.. reasons for cheating - he said that he felt pushed away during the pregnancy. I have to say i do do that - when going gets tough (and pregnancy is not easy) i become very introvert... the person he cheated on he met on intrnet on somekind of friends site - similar to facebook... she seems to be complately different - much younger and from different socialeconomic background. he said he felt like her's 'hero' Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I don't agree with this. I don't think it's a person's job to punish their partner. A partner is your equal, not a child. I'm afraid that would only lead to resentment on both sides. I agree with you. If I was in a serious relationship and for some reason decided to work it out, I wouldn't want my family and friends to know all our business. It causes resentment and awkward tension from both sides Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 is he willing to completely break contact from her/???? Affairs are ADDICTING - therefore both of them (not only him, but the girl also) will go through a "withdrawl" period where he or she will be VERY TEMPTED to contact each other again. He needs to completely stop contacting her - let you check up on him all you want (you have to rebuild your trust that he's not lying to you anymore). You can get over this, but it will take A LOT of work from him in order to work out. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I think that you really need to determine whether this guy intends to stop cheating and be faithful. Of course then you have to ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship. Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 well he has broken it off on speakerphone. i also asked him to tell her that he has a daughter (he of course hadnot thought of mentioning such a minor thing as my pregnancy to her). also i asked him to do the std test before he comes close to our daughter i know everyone talks about marriage conseling. i dont think i am up for it though.. i dont believe in couseling...he most likely would be ok to do that. not sure if that means if i am not up for the hard work of forgiving road... Link to comment
maritalbliss Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with you. If I was in a serious relationship and for some reason decided to work it out, I wouldn't want my family and friends to know all our business. It causes resentment and awkward tension from both sides I think what Bambino was talking about was that many men try to make their wives *not* tell anyone that the reason they are having troubles or even why they are getting divorced is because *he* cheated..... He was pointing out that that makes it easier for them to cheat again because they never have to face that shame of everyone seeing them as a cheat and lier that did something that possibly ruined their marriage. He should feel the shame and guilt so that if she takes him back, he won't be so easily tempted to do it again. I don't think that this alone will cause him to not cheat again, though. I think he has to really see how he could lose everything (his wife and child and life as he knows it) and THAT will more likely cause him to not want to cheat again. Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 is he willing to completely break contact from her/???? Affairs are ADDICTING - therefore both of them (not only him, but the girl also) will go through a "withdrawl" period where he or she will be VERY TEMPTED to contact each other again. He needs to completely stop contacting her - let you check up on him all you want (you have to rebuild your trust that he's not lying to you anymore). You can get over this, but it will take A LOT of work from him in order to work out. thats what he is saying - that he is very willing to break the contact. he is saying he is happy for me to view everything he does - phone, internet, credit cards etc. i just not sure if i am up for it - i really dont want to be in position where i need to audit everything.. he is also saying he is ready to work to get this pass us and to do anything. i am considering to ask to put all our assest on my name and my accounts - for insurance - of it happens again at least he looses it all - not only family but all assets too.... is that wrong? Link to comment
melissa1 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 I think what Bambino was talking about was that many men try to make their wives *not* tell anyone that the reason they are having troubles or even why they are getting divorced is because *he* cheated..... He was pointing out that that makes it easier for them to cheat again because they never have to face that shame of everyone seeing them as a cheat and lier that did something that possibly ruined their marriage. He should feel the shame and guilt so that if she takes him back, he won't be so easily tempted to do it again. I don't think that this alone will cause him to not cheat again, though. I think he has to really see how he could lose everything (his wife and child and life as he knows it) and THAT will more likely cause him to not want to cheat again. he says he is ok with me to tell everyone and even wants to do it himself.. (not sur eof course how much of that is just words, as i said that i dont want people to know about this). Link to comment
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