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Is it normal for a mother to patronize a grown "child" of 30 years old?


jackie100
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I'm talking about a "child" who's 30 years and moved out since the age of 18.

 

Is it normal for the mother of a 30 year old to still say things like:

 

-Eat all your fruits and vegetables

 

-I hope you’ve gained some weight

 

(What the heck at this, why would I want to gain weight? FYI, I LIKE being slim, I don't WANT to gain weight, why would a mother wish something on me that I wouldn't want to begin with!) What kind of a thing to say is this??

I don't care if it's out of love, I want to scream to her face that "I don't want to gain weight" and to leave me alone! She said this in 4 e-mails! Same crap every time she writes even though I repeatedly told her it irritates me every time she writes this.

 

-Don't forget to forget to wear warm sweaters and pants

 

I think I'm old enough at 30 now to wear whatever I want and if she doesn't like it too bad.

 

-Eat well to get energy for the day

 

-Remember to take calcium , it’s good for your bones. Take 2 tablets a day (about 1000 mg), choose the one with vitamine D added. Chew them if they are too big to swallow.

 

What, am I a 3 year old now? I am quite capable and competent thank you very much. I'm 30 and my mother thinks she can tell me take vitamins and chew if they are too big to swallow.. ?? lol

 

Does anyone else have a mother like this? She patronized me via e-mail btw, not in person. If your mother still patronizes you and you are an adult who lives on his/her own please name specifics. It would make me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one having to suffer/deal with being patronized like this.

 

My mother is dense btw, she doesn't understand when I ask her not to patronize me, it really goes through one ear and out the other. I think she's not capable of understanding.

 

Telling her in a mature and adult way to stop patronizing etc will not work because she is obsessive compulsive and next time will

probably say the same thing because she just can't help herself.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I was a guy if she would still patronize me like this? Or is it that she's just so obsessive and compulsive that she will

patronize me either way?

 

It's annoying and does nothing but push me away and resent her even more. I don't care if it's done out of love. It still bothers me a lot.

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Yes, this is a pretty common phenomenon. No matter how old you are, you will always be "her little girl" even when you are 45! The way around this is to change how YOU react to it. Let it go in one ear and out the other...water off a duck's back. You won't be able to change her but you can change how you deal and react to it. Don't react...just do your own thing and ignore it.

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My mom does that all the time. My 25-year old brother hates it, I'm almost 30 and I don't mind. I actually started taking vitamins to get her to "get off my case", for lack of a nicer phrase. As far as me wearing light clothes when it's cold out, well, that's my own stupidity, so I'm asking for it. I'm starting to check the weather more before I go out. Sometimes she'll bake me a cake to take to my place so that I eat more and gain some weight.

 

My dad tells her to leave me alone, but I think it's nice. I'm glad my mom cares. My best friend's mom is too busy getting drunk all day to care enough to say those things. I feel lucky.

 

What BOTHERS me, though, is how if I have my parents over for something, my mom will either nag about how the floor is dirty or whatever, and sometimes she'll start cleaning it. I have to raise my voice a little to remind her it's my place and she's a guest, so just relax, because I will take care of it. Another thing is when she pushes me to start dating a little too hard - if we're all out for coffee or whatever, she'll keep saying "That girl is looking at you!" or "She's here all the time, go talk to her!" She even e-mailed me a Christian Singles website a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes she gets to be like Raymond's mom from the TV show. My brother told me that if she ever e-mailed him like that, he'd stop all contact with our parents.

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Sounds like my mom, and I think it will always be like that. However, I have noticed that it helps to actively avoid being in the role of 'the child', which is something you can do yourself. For instance, I used to call my mom for a lot of things when I just left the house at 18. Now I am 10 years down the road and just call her for practical advise or to have a heart to heart. She knows I am independent, but LOVES to feel like I still need her as a mom. I suspect that your mom is just the same. She loves to care for you. She's just concerned about your well-being it seems to me. Why does it make you so upset?

 

I remember your other post, could it be that this upsets you because you needed this 'mothering' at a younger age, and didn't get it then?

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It makes me feel a lot better that you're a guy and you're being patronized. At times I felt it was because I was a female or something and that my mom thought I was "weak and fragile" and incapable of taking care of myself which infuriated me but it feels better knowing that there are guys who get treated like that as well. Misery loves company I guess.

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Well, I don't think me and my mother ever really had an adult relationship because we barely have a relationship. The patronizing was done through e-mail but when I did see her several years ago she was still patronizing me as well.

 

I never call my mom for advise or for anything at all actually. I am extremely independent and never ever do I rely on her for advise, financial help (if anyone were to help anyone financially it would be me helping her since she doesn't have any money to begin with). I am a very independent person and yet she still babies me.

 

I think it makes me upset because it makes me feel helpless like a child and I hate that feeling. I would like to be treated as a powerful adult, capable of making her own decisions, as someone who is competent and intelligent, but I wouldn't want my mom to say : "Wow you're a powerful adult, so competent and intelligent" because that would make me feel patronized as well, lol. I would prefer her to not make any comments about me but just talk about neutral subjects. If I tell her this though she wouldn't understand, she can't help patronizing, it's just in her nature.

 

Sometimes it gets me really angry to the point where I feel like I'm about to cry out of frustration.

 

I don't think it's because I didn't receive this type of "mothering" as a young child, I think she did "mother" me in this sort of way when I was a little kid. In the other thread I was complaining about some of her other parenting skills.

 

I just really hate being babied. It makes me feel weak, like I'm not an equal, not an adult but still an impotent child. It makes feel angry and frustrated, like I'm not being taken seriously.

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My mother doesn't do that so much- but one of my grandmother's does it all of the time. She coddles my brother the most.

 

Eat all your fruits and vegetables

 

-I hope you’ve gained some weight

 

(What the heck at this, why would I want to gain weight? FYI, I LIKE being slim, I don't WANT to gain weight, why would a mother wish something on me that I wouldn't want to begin with!) What kind of a thing to say is this??

 

 

She says that too- but I think it is a cultural and generational thing. My grandmother is an "old school" Italian woman. She is not happy unless she can feed you, and she grew up poor so food is of even more value in her mind.

 

She does it because she cares- but it can be extremely annoying. I feel your pain.

I think it makes me upset because it makes me feel helpless like a child and I hate that feeling. I would like to be treated as a powerful adult, capable of making her own decisions, as someone who is competent and intelligent,

 

I know its hard but you have to try to let it roll off your back. Try not to get upset. Just ignore it as much as you can. Don't respond when she says those things.

 

Now that I have a little boy my grandmother has more to say than ever- about me eating, and HIM eating- and making sure that we both "dress warm and wear our hats" before we go out in the cold. I know it can feel insulting at times. I've thought to myself "Does she think I'm a TOTAL IDIOIT and don't know how to dress my kid?" Sometimes she'll come over and visit for hours on end and I find it draining because of all of the patronizing comments she makes. I feel brain damaged by the time she leaves.

 

But the bottom line is that I know that I sure as hell do not need to gain weight....I know that I will use good judgement and wear a hat and have my son wear a hat when I DEEM we need one- so now I let it roll off.

 

One day it will be a cold day and she will no longer be here and I know I will WISH she was there to tell me to put my hat on.

 

I love the woman with all of my heart- she's just a pain in the ass.

 

Sometimes I mess with her- like when she asks what I'm going to wear because it is cold outside- I'll tell her I prefer to be naked. Then she curses at me in Italian. lol You can have some fun with it. If you mom asks if you are gaining weight- tell her "no" and that she should send you a gift basket with all kinds of delicious foods. -Respond with something equally ridiculous as her suggestion.

 

Also, I agree with Arwen 100%- give her very limited information.

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It makes me feel a lot better that you're a guy and you're being patronized. At times I felt it was because I was a female or something and that my mom thought I was "weak and fragile" and incapable of taking care of myself which infuriated me but it feels better knowing that there are guys who get treated like that as well. Misery loves company I guess.

 

It's all in how you look at it. About once a year, my mom lets it slip that when she dies, she doesn't want to be forgotten, so she wants to make sure she is there for her kids. Sometimes she goes overboard, but we make sure to let her know that we're ok and she raised us right.

 

Some people call me a mama's boy because of all the "checking up" that she does. If that makes me one, so be it. I don't go running to her for every little thing - I'm on my own, paying my own bills and everything, but it's always nice to know she's there. Family is forever, and I think that if you have a close relationship with your family, do everything possible to keep it that way.

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Being from a greek background and huggy family..yes my mother treat us all like her kittens or something.lol. We will always be their babies but just remember they need to be trained as well. Mine now knows wen to stop...my eyeball stares her and she just..stops.Thank heavens.

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As annoying as it is, it sounds like her way of demonstrating her love for you.

 

I've seen some moms and dads do it with food (always offering food), or money, or unwanted health advice like your mom... or fixing them up on dates with their friends' or neighbors' "children." At least she's not trying to matchmake for you!

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At least she's not trying to matchmake for you!

 

I would hope not because I'm one of those women who actually don't want to get married or kids. Or have a relationship. I just like to be alone.

 

And even if I was interested in a relationship, I think I still feel so rebellious towards my mom that I would automatically disqualify and dislike ever person that she approved of just because she liked them.

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The day my mum stops saying stuff like this to me will be a sad day, I want her to always care this much. It is'nt patronizations its concern and her being mumsy.

 

I can understand she is a little over the top with it, but like someone else said, you just need to change your reaction to it, because she won't change.

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..Its Just a mom being a mom..my mom is the same way. Sometimes it annoys the crap out of me and i want to go crazy, she realizes sometimes but i know she is just being MOM....

 

My Grandma is the same way to my dad.

 

I don't want kids, I am not a maternal person and don't really like kids but IF I ever had kids I would never be patronizing like that. I would have my own life and once my kids were grown I would realize they were adults and let them be.

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I wouldn't really consider that patronizing. That's just "mothering". As people have pointed out it's incredibly common. Yes it's annoying and my mother still does it to me from time to time. But you just have to be secure enough in your own decisions to say "Thanks Mom, I appreciate your concern" and then let it roll off.

 

Moms will always be moms and they will always be concerned about you.

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Have you told your mom that you feel that this crosses your boundaries?

 

Once I have and she replied with this :

 

"-I care a lot about you and keep reminding you to do things that you don’t like, if you don’t like what I wrote don’t read them but don’t get upset , it’s just little things an old mother like to write! like not to forget to take calcium + vitamine D for the growing bones, to eat fruits and vegetables to avoid constipation, to eat three time a day to have enough energy for the day, to wear a jacket in the chilling evening…!!! I’m not going to write them again.but don’t be angry at your old mother."

 

but then the next e-mails she wrote the exact same thing again...such as eat veggies, taking vitamins etc. She probably e-mailed a bunch of e-mails after that one still patronizing even though she said she won't write them again. She did write them again, numerous times. She doesn't listen. She still does it even though she knows how much it aggravates me. I don't know if she realizes the extent of my aggravation though, it's to the point where I want to scream out loud or punch something.

 

She really is compulsive, I thinks she has anxiety if she doesn't say those things, kind of like she's itching to say them and she can't control herself. She knows I will get mad but she can't resist herself.

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I thinks she had anxiety if she doesn't say those things, kind of like she's itching to say it and she can't control herself. She knows I will get mad but she can't resist herself

 

My grandmother is the EXACT same way. She is a worry wort and feels compelled to say that kind of stuff so she can feel better- like she is helping prevent tragedy of some sort.

 

One of her favorite saying is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure"

 

](*,)

 

I don't take it personally because she relates to all of her loved ones in that manner. She does it to me, my sister, my brother, and my mom and aunt. She worries herself sick sometimes.

 

I have a boat and every time I go out on it she thinks we are going to die. When she found out I took my son out last summer, she freaked. She of course had to say "Make sure he wears a life jacket. Do you have a radio? Don't go fast"

 

So when summer arrives I no longer have to hear about needing to wear a warm hat- but instead a lifejacket. I wonder what would happen if I messed with her and said that we were going to let my toddler try "waterskiing" this year (joking of course).

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You mentioned before that she's schizophrenic, right? It could be that she isn't even aware of this. But I have quite little knowledge of this disease and how it manifests itself in the relationship with others. But the way you describe it, it seems near impossible to make this clear to her. I honestly don't know what I can advise you here. What your mother does is, to an extent, NORMAL for moms. It's the fact that you can't discuss it with her that is frustrating. Maybe reminding her: 'Mom, we've discussed this before, please don't worry about my health I can take care of myself'...? You've probably done this a lot of times already. Change the topic? Are these conversations over email or phone?

 

Maybe you've mentioned it, but do you have siblings? Sorry if I forgot or already asked.

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My mother is like that as well but is also very aggressive when you try and point it out. I'm 24~25 and still and at home but am going to move out end of this year or early next year. And I know when I'm gone she'll probably hate me being a very judgemental person; why? Because when I refuse to "come home for dinner" on a very regular basis - since I am my own person now, you know what I mean - she make these judgements like "he doesn't care/love us", blah blah blah. Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy, not that she'd know what that means.

 

So I just put up with all the judgements and hypocritical yelling. Not long to go ...

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Maybe you've mentioned it, but do you have siblings? Sorry if I forgot or already asked.

 

No, I have an only child plus my mom is divorced and doesn't date or even associate with men, has no friends, doesn't work, and doesn't have any hobbies. This makes it worse because she has no life of her own and makes her obsessed with me. She probably thinks about me all day because she has nothing better to do.

 

I wish I had brothers and sisters so that the "mothering" would be diffused through everyone a bit but sadly I'm an only child so I get the brunt of it.

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your replies sound pretty childish to me.

 

it's NORMAL for many mothers to do this. doesn't make it right, but neither is it wrong. why can you not just tell her, "okay mom, i will dress warm and take my vitamins, love you".

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your replies sound pretty childish to me.

 

it's NORMAL for many mothers to do this. doesn't make it right, but neither is it wrong. why can you not just tell her, "okay mom, i will dress warm and take my vitamins, love you".

 

Because if my mother irritates me by nagging me to wear warm clothes it will make me feel like wearing a tank top in the cold just to spite her for irritating me. We have a stormy relationship and I think love is a strong word, I don't now if I even love her but I try to tolerate her.

 

I want to be treated as an adult, being talked to as a child makes me feel less powerful and helpless, it makes me feel like I am regressing towards childhood. It is just very important to me to be recognized as an adult. If I am not recognized now then when, do I have to wait until I am 60 and have wrinkles on my face? I have lived alone since I was 18, I am completely independent, haven't take one penny from her since I moved out, never ask her for advise, I don't ask or want anything from her, except to be treated as an adult and to not nag me.

 

I like to feel on equal standing with everyone else in my family, not as someone to be talked down to. I want to feel like I have equal power as any other adult, not like I'm still a child. I have worked hard in life to be successful, talking to me like I'm a child makes me feel like I am still a child. I feel like it takes away from how competent, independent and successful I am and reduces me to a dimwit who doesn't know

their ABC's. It makes me look like a weakling or a slow person and it just irritates me because I am the complete opposite of that.

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why can you not just tell her' date=' "okay mom, i will dress warm and take my vitamins, love you".[/quote']

 

I can't say that because I am not going to do those things just because she said them, so why lie and make her think she has power over me? I don't want her to have the power to tell me what to do; that's why I moved out at the age of 18.

 

If I tell her that she will think that I actually listen to her and who knows what she will think of next to tell me to do. When does it end?

 

I am not the type of person who takes well being told what to do. I don't have to listen to her "telling me what to do" because I no longer live under her roof. During my whole teenage years I dreamed of the day I would move out so I no longer had to listen to my mother telling me what to do.

 

I don't want my mother to have the authority and power to be able to tell me what to do or have any power over me. I have that power alone. She's not the boss of me. I am the boss of myself.

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