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How to stop hanging onto someone who doesn't want you?


Georgie Grrl
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I'm not sure if this is the proper place to post this, but here goes...

 

Do you ever find yourself hanging on to a relationship that's over because, in some weird way, it's safer than risking your heart again with someone new? I find myself being very attracted to men who do not want me. It's like I only want what I cannot have.

 

Case in point- I slept with an older co-worker a few times almost 3 months ago. A few weeks after the last time I slept with him, I casually confronted him about the situation. He reassured me we were still involved, but I have never seen him outside of work since. It's not quite that simple. I was attracted to him before, but after he blew me off I started having much deeper feelings for him. It's like it is easier to remain heart broken than it is to get out there and take a risk with someone new. I don't want to let go of him and I don't understand why I can't just be over it. There were certainly extenuating circumstances, but's that besides the point. We're very friendly at work and in some ways act like nothing ever happened.

 

I know I should try internet dating or something, but I come up with a million excuses not to. It's too expensive, I don't photograph well, I will when I lose another 10lbs, etc. The sucky thing is that I've been alone a really long time and this was the first guy I'd really felt attracted to in sooo long. Guys would ask me out, but I just wouldn't feel anything for them so I mostly turned them down.

 

The deal with wanting someone who doesn't want me back seems to be a recurring theme with me. This is probably the 4th or 5th guy I've done this with in the past decade. Obviously, I'd had actual, real relationships with some of the other men that actually lasted maybe 6 months to a year, but the results were largely the same. I'm aware I have this issue, but how do I resolve the problem? How do I stop have feelings for this guy I'm currently into? Sometimes I'm OK about it and I think I'm over it, but then he'll do or say something sweet or flirty and I feel like I go right back to where I started, aching for someone I know I'll never have. Maybe I'm just lonely and sad because this was the first guy I thought had really potential in such a long while, but how do I stop hurting?

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start using your head instead of your heart. realize that pain is easier to bear earlier rather than later.

 

and don't forget about red flags.

 

I think you're making the first steps in the right direction by realize you've been dating the wrong guys

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Is there any way you can see less of him?It's hard because you work with him.if he was interested I think he would obviously be pursuing you but he isn't.There must be someone else you can focus on ,obviously it would lessen your attraction to him if there was someone else in the picture.

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Nope, pretty much stuck seeing him daily. I know I idealize and romanticize these men in such an unrealistic way, but knowing this intellectually doesn't seem to stop the feelings. Plus, I've had my own illness and the untimely death of a close family member recently that I believe has made me particularly emotionally needy. Before the death in the family, I think I was OK and had largely stopped speaking of him to my friends, but this death just rocked my world and renewed all these strong feelings for this guy. This man had once carried on about me to the point that he kinda sounded as if he was falling in love with me. Obviously he is not pursuing a relationship with me- it doesn't really matter why because it is what it is, but his words certainly confused me.

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Nope, pretty much stuck seeing him daily. I know I idealize and romanticize these men in such an unrealistic way, but knowing this intellectually doesn't seem to stop the feelings. Plus, I've had my own illness and the untimely death of a close family member recently that I believe has made me particularly emotionally needy. Before the death in the family, I think I was OK and had largely stopped speaking of him to my friends, but this death just rocked my world and renewed all these strong feelings for this guy. This man had once carried on about me to the point that he kinda sounded as if he was falling in love with me. Obviously he is not pursuing a relationship with me- it doesn't really matter why because it is what it is, but his words certainly confused me.
Sorry! I've been there.For me the easiest solution was always to break all contact with the person.You don't have that option at the moment ,so if I were you I think I would force myself to try and meet other guys,magic might strike you never know.
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To stop hanging on you have to start liking yoursef so you dont have to fill the void by being clingy. Fix your esteem issues and then be selective to find someone who is right for you..

 

I'm not clingy, nor do I have esteem issues, but thanks for your input. I actually know I'm pretty wonderful, but I seem to attract either stalkers who want to marry me after two weeks (they scare me) or these old, emotionally traumatized men who had their hearts broken before and now won't commit. I think the traumatized men bring out this need in me to heal and nuture.

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I'm not clingy, nor do I have esteem issues, but thanks for your input. I actually know I'm pretty wonderful, but I seem to attract either stalkers who want to marry me after two weeks (they scare me) or these old, emotionally traumatized men who had their hearts broken before and now won't commit. I think the traumatized men bring out this need in me to heal and nuture.

So why dont you just realise they really dont want you ? Why dont you be firm in yourself unless you crave attention seeking behaviour as flirting?

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So why dont you just realise they really dont want you ? Why dont you be firm in yourself unless you crave attention seeking behaviour as flirting?

 

If you go back and carefully reread my posts, I believe you'll find the answers to your own questions. I initiate no contact with this particular man. I stated he made sweet or flirty comments to me- never said I still flirted back. I am, however, forced to work with him and I do tend to be pleasant as I am stuck seeing him 40-60 hours a week and would rather things be pleasant than weird and uncomfortable. I'd rather act like everything is normal than let him think he has that kind of effect on me. So you see, while I may still have feelings, I don't actually act on them. He actually acts jealous of other flirty co-workers. Why does he make jealous, crappy, petty comments or even care who flirts with me, speaks to me, or who I date if he doesn't want to be with me? I said these guys don't commit- never said they leave me alone or even act uninterested.

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Don't feel too bad, Georgie Grrl; here's my pathetic story of the last year... Back when I was a kid, I went to grade school with this girl that I fell for hard, and was in love with for years, but too shy to really put myself out there. I was heartbroken when grade school was over and we had to go our separate ways, and I never dated through high school or even all the way up to now (now that I'm in college). Er, not that I held myself back from dating BECAUSE of her, I just never could find another girl that made me feel the same way. Sad, huh? It gets worse.

 

About a year ago, I stumbled onto her MySpace, and got back in touch. We wrote to each other a bit for months, and she seemed happy to be writing with me, and I could already feel my feelings bubbling right back up. I started getting a bit dopey with my messages to her, and her interest level started falling a bit... I think she could see that I had an interest in her, but I was making myself look too clingy.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I finally decided to seek a means to an end, and I wrote up this big message to her, acknowledging that I had a thing for her when we were kids, and saying that I can't help but be curious to see if there could still be something there now. I told her that I knew I got weird with her on MySpace, but that was just because I'm bad at this online stuff, and that it makes things more complicated than they really need to be. I peppered in some humor to keep an upbeat tone, and basically ended it by asking her out.

 

Almost two-and-a-half weeks have passed, and I still haven't heard from her. I've been taking it pretty hard; I know I should be trying to move on and forget about her, but for some reason, I just can't get her out of my head. I try to keep myself busy, but when I have a free minute, I find my mind wandering and thinking about her... At night time, I often see her in my dreams (er, no, not those kind of "dreams", lol)... I still keep checking my mail, thinking that maybe just needs time to really answer such a big, forward message, and maybe there's still hope... It's just hard, yanno? She's the first and only girl I've ever really felt something for. That's not really an easy thing for me to get over, especially considering I have yet to find a girl that makes me feel that way. I've been holding onto this girl for so long, simply because I worry that, if I haven't found another girl yet, what hope do I have? It gets in my head that maybe this girl was the only one I'll ever really get that feeling for, and now that I've blown it with her, I'll have to either suffer the consequences, or settle for some other girl that I just don't feel compatible with at all.

 

So, I dunno... I think that, in a way, I've finally stopped feeling so sad and defeated that she can't even answer me, even if she were to just politely decline. But I still can't stop my mind from wandering in her direction every now and then, can't stop myself from hoping that maybe "fate" will bring us back in each other's lives somehow, some day, and I'll have another chance. Silly and pathetic, I know...

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Those girls who were chasing me in the past always ended up with great guys... I'm too much of a bad person to let them end up with me...

Stop chasing him and just move to someone who may fall in love with you...

 

I think chasing means you are actually pursuing someone. I believe I've already explained in detail that I'm not taking any action, therefore am doing the exact opposite of chasing. I'm beginning to feel like the men who have commented on my posts are not actually reading them. Am I not coming accross clearly enough? I'm very puzzled by some of these responses.

 

I'm not stopping my life or staying home nights. I know I need to move on to someone who I could have a real relationship with. Now how does one do that when forced to interact w/ the object of one's affection on a nearly daily basis?

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I don't know that that is silly and pathetic, but it is certainly honest. I feel your pain for sure. I think if another guy comes along, I will absolutely get over this one. In the mean time, how do I stop daydreaming about this guy when he keeps popping by my desk, complimenting me and acting jealous of attention I receive from other men? I don't regret taking a chance w/ a co-worker at all. I think falling in love w/ someone who loves you back is nothing short of a miracle, so it was worth the risk. We're nice to each other, so I don't feel weird or uncomfortable around him. I just wish my heart didn't skip a beat when he gets too close or looks at me in a certain way.

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I should think u need to learn to be a little more snobby! (haha, just a little bit).

 

In these situations I would tell myself, "Hell, I can do way better than this" "I'm sorry but ur lame" "Why should I waste my time on u when i have so much better things to do?" I learnt this trick from my friend - it's kinda like reverse snobbery. But though it sounds mean, we all benefit from a mean streak after all - it allows us to survive in times like this. I wouldn't verbalise it but it allows me to walk away.

 

N surprisingly, i find that since I've adapted this attitude ppl tend to treat me on my terms rather than the other way around.

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I should say, let go. Same thing happened to me, I was crying and crying whole periods in class. I don't follow people's advices like "let go", "there's still many of them" etc...but if you clear things up you;ll see the air. When I was depressed of losing that jerk I loved, I am so unclear. I even consider suicide but I only cut myself and now I realize that I've been stupid, why did I waste time on jerks? I experienced the greatest downfall of my grades.

I tell you this, don't hang on someone who doesn't want you, the will not like or even love you. I believe the right person will come if you just open up your heart, be yourself , and do not chase love because it will come when you least expect to. Someone will love you the way you are. And I tell you, if you foiund that guy, one day you'll realize why did you even become upset with that situation Hoping you with luck

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