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Husband choosing job over marriage and family


sadfirewife

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My husband and I have been married for a little over 12 years. He has an ex wife that ran him in the ground financially and mentally. We have custody of his son from his first marriage and I have been his mom for the past 12 years.

 

The trouble started when we were dating, his ex wife did not like me (surprise) and he refused to deal with her. I always had to make arrangements for visitation, pick up, etc. I did it because I thought that was part of my job. Looking back, I see what tension it caused in our marriage.

 

We have since had 2 children of our own, between the birth of our two kids, he decided that he didnt want to be married anymore. He came home one day and said that he didnt want to move out, but he needed time to think about what he wanted. He wanted me to still cook, clean and take full responsibility for the kids while he galavanted around and came home at all hours. I waited patiently, while hearing rumours of him and a gal at work. He sleeps until lunch most weekends, so one morning, his phone rang one time and he jumped up and said he had to be somewhere. After many other episodes like this, he finally admitted to me that he had been meeting her but there was never anything physical, they just talked about our problems and our marriage. I never could get him to understand how hurtful this was. He decided at that time that he would stay, and I should just forget all of the hurtful things he had done and said. I was not allowed to bring then up. I was not in a position then to leave, my job was part time and I was going to school.

 

We had been married about 6 years at this time, and I had quickly learned that he was not an affectionate man. He does not do birthdays or anniversaries. If we made plans to go out, just the two of us, he stood me up. I have not mentioned so far what his job is, he is a firefighter, a good one, it is in his blood and he loves it.

 

Our problem now, and it is partly my fault for letting it get this far is that he refuses to come home. He is gone 6 out of 7 nights either working an extra shift, teaching a class or going out with the boys. He does not want to spend time with me or the kids. Our kids are 16, 9 and 2 and they see how their Daddy ignores them. If he is home, he is laying on the couch watching tv. I do everything for the kids, bath, homework, getting ready for school. He does not even know where the baby's sitter is located. He snaps at them for making noise while he is watching tv.

 

I am at a loss, I dont know what to do next. Do I try and work it out, or is it time to go? I have tried everything to get his attention, walking out of the room naked, setting up romantic evenings, I have even tried spiritual help with the Love Dare. We did go and see Fireproof, a local church paid for the entire FD and their spouses to go. What did he say at the end of the movie? I hope that you learned to be respectful to your husband.

 

I am a depressed, worn out wife and mother. All I want is to be loved and I wonder why God hates me so much or for what I have done to deserve this. I had a friend tell me that I should stay with him because he doesn't beat me and it is hard to find a husband again. And I have had others tell me that I have too much baggage to marry again. I know this is no reason to decide whether to stay or not, but being alone is scary and I know that I will wind up with the children all of the time because he cannot handle them. Also, he has told me many times that he will not let me have the house, even though I am not teaching and can pay for it myself. He also said that hell would freeze over before he paid me child support.

 

So I have lots of dilemmas. Any advice?

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My husband and I have been married for a little over 12 years. He has an ex wife that ran him in the ground financially and mentally.

 

 

Is he trying to take his anger and pain out on you?

 

It sounds like, despite all the years you have both invested, he never saw this marriage as something worth investing in for life. Sounds like he treats you as just someone who keeps his home working for him. Someone he needs to make sure life is comfortable so he can go around and do what he wants with himself - single.

 

The trouble started when we were dating, his ex wife did not like me (surprise) and he refused to deal with her. I always had to make arrangements for visitation, pick up, etc. I did it because I thought that was part of my job. Looking back, I see what tension it caused in our marriage.

 

Sounds like, from the very beginning, he's had this idea that it's your job to deal with the fallout of his past relationship. Including perhaps, the emotional harm it caused him? That was not your role

 

We have since had 2 children of our own, between the birth of our two kids, he decided that he didnt want to be married anymore.

 

While you were pregnant? The man has no respect for you or desire to look after you. A husband should want to protect you - not consider deserting you when you are at your most vulnerable and carrying his child. I can't believe this man.

 

 

He came home one day and said that he didnt want to move out, but he needed time to think about what he wanted. He wanted me to still cook, clean and take full responsibility for the kids while he galavanted around and came home at all hours.

 

Did he ask you to do that? Or did he assume you would? And did you decide that if you ignored all these problems and continued to be - what you thought was a wonderful wife - he would see you that way himself? Or did you decide that staying and doing all that stuff was just better than being single and pregnant?

 

I think by letting him behave that way during that period has made it impossible to reconcile at this point. Even if he did a complete 180 on his behaviour - would you ever really be able to forgive him? Or would you carry the resentment around always?

 

I waited patiently, while hearing rumours of him and a gal at work. He sleeps until lunch most weekends, so one morning, his phone rang one time and he jumped up and said he had to be somewhere. After many other episodes like this, he finally admitted to me that he had been meeting her but there was never anything physical, they just talked about our problems and our marriage. I never could get him to understand how hurtful this was.

 

 

Could it be that he refused to understand - because you stayed with him? He didnt need to turn his mind to the pain you were suffering - because by staying you were sending the message "what you've done is not that bad"?

 

I am a depressed, worn out wife and mother. All I want is to be loved and I wonder why God hates me so much or for what I have done to deserve this.

 

It's not God telling you that you deserve this. Apparently, it's you "friends" telling you that you deserve this.

 

I had a friend tell me that I should stay with him because he doesn't beat me and it is hard to find a husband again. And I have had others tell me that I have too much baggage to marry again. I know this is no reason to decide whether to stay or not, but being alone is scary and I know that I will wind up with the children all of the time because he cannot handle them. Also, he has told me many times that he will not let me have the house, even though I am not teaching and can pay for it myself. He also said that hell would freeze over before he paid me child support.

 

It's not up to him whether or not you have the house. Go see a lawyer immediately. I think you'd be shocked at just how much you would get to keep if you left him, and just how much he would have to pay you until those kids are all grown up.

 

Noone deserves to live this way and there are PLENTY of men out there who will treat you well. Your "husband" is treating you like garbage. I really hope you do something about this.

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I think you have done more than most people would have done to make this marriage work. The problem is not you, it's you loser of a husband who has made no effort is any way to make this marriage work. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it angers me to read of all these things he's saying and doing to you; but also for neglecting his oWN KIDS!

 

If you want to leave this man, then do it! He has shattered your self-esteem and also your children's. There are plenty of nice men out there to meet, the opportunities are still there. yes its scary to be a single mom, but i see many single moms out there making it happen. And your husband is is denial if he thinks he won't be paying you child support. I would go and see a lawyer like Indigo said, because I'm more than sure that you can keep the house and get money from him to pay child support. He may not want to give the money, but he doesn't have the final word. you deserve to be with a nice man who will treat you right and i hope you find him. Please don't let him do this to you anymore

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Your husband is a loser. He has many of the hallmarks of what Scott Wetzler (Book: Living with the Passive Aggressive Man) would consider a Passive Aggressive man. Check out this website: link removed. I suspect that your husband treated his first wife the same way and that is why she went a bit berserk afterwards. I think you husband had a lot to do with that marriage failing...passive aggressives don't just suddenly become that way...they have a long history of being that way and they do it to their partners AND their children. They are emotionally cut off from everyone. I think it is time for you to cut your losses and leave. Get a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to. Don't listen to his threats...get your own information about what you are entitled to.

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