bf doesnt want to meet my family.... normal?

[mags_7531]

hello everyone

 

Im looking for some insight on a situation that im having trouble understanding with my bf.

 

He doesnt have much interest in meeting my family and coming with me to family events. He has met my dad, brother and sister but not my mom.

 

Today I was going to myu grandmas to have lunch with her and asked if he would come with me. My sister and her bf were going to be there and we were only going to be a hour at most. Well when i asked him he got all defensive saying, "i dont like grandmas, i wouldnt make you go to something you didnt want to." Then he went on to say "we'll see"..... this was last night. So this morning rolls around and I didnt even bring it up again cause i didnt feel liek fighting about it and i knew he wouldnt come. His brother called him and asked if he was coming over to help with his home renos and he said yes. So that was his way of indirectly telling me he wasnt coming, and we never tlaked about it and i took him and dropped him off at his brothers house.

 

So i go to my grandmas and come home. My mom calls me and asks me if i want to have lunch with her tomorrow (we dont have a close realtionship and i see her every 4 months or so, but i want to try to start building a relationship but its really hard for me when i see her). So i messaged the bf and asked him if he would come with me tomorrow, and he never replied...that was 4 hours ago.

 

Im really upset cause i would go with him to any family events and he wouldnt have to force me i would want to go.

 

Is this a normal thing for guys to avoid, or is he just giving me a bad message that hes pulling away from me???

 

ps. we have been together 1.5 years, im 22 hes 28

[alex9]

well...yes it is normal. It depends on his personality. How close is he with his own family?

 

he may just feel uncomfortable in those situations. But i think sometimes in relationships we have to do things we don't want to do.

 

i've never had a gf ask me to go have lunch with her and her grandma. To be honest it sounds like something you should do on your own. You shouldn't have to drag your bf to these kind of things.

 

You say you don't have a close relationship with your mom but you want your bf to go with you to lunch to what could be an awkward situation. If you got along great with your mom I could understand why you wouldn't be happy hat your bf doesn't want to join you.

 

if he doesn't want anything to do with your family at all there may be some insecurity there. He may feel like he's still being judged.

[mags_7531]

thanks thats definitly a different way to look at it.

 

I mean i guess at this point im just insecure about the relationship and just want him to be completely apart of my life.

 

I would really love for him to come meet my mom tomorrow because i know it would mean a lot to her and it would be a good step in the right direction to build are relationship. And i could use the support aswell.

 

another situation that happened 5 months ago was my grandma on my dads side passed away and he didnt come with me to the funeral. My dad was absolutely furious and thought it was compeletly wrong and disrespectful for him to not come. But he would not consider coming at all he said no form the start.

[shikashika]

I can't believe this guy is 28. He sounds very immature. I wouldn't want to drag this guy there because he sounds like a 10 year old making comments like that.

 

I don't know why the poster above makes it sound like you are 'dragging' him to things like this. It's not a torture chamber.. it's lunch!

[JadedStar]

Well....i don't know. i can kind of see his point that these are not really things he wants to tag along to. I also think the lunch with grandparents is probably better to just go and spend time alone with them. When you bring a b/f along it can detract a bit from one on one time in that the b/f may not feel 100% himself and maybe they wouldn't either.

 

I'm on the fence. I think i'd just go ahead and leave this at the fact that for wahtever reason he doesn't relish the idea.

 

As for your mom, if he never met her it would be nice if he agreed to at least an initial lunch or dinner to do so, but you didn't say....how long have you guys been dating? that has a lot of bearing on my answer.

[alex9]

thanks thats definitly a different way to look at it.

 

I mean i guess at this point im just insecure about the relationship and just want him to be completely apart of my life.

 

I would really love for him to come meet my mom tomorrow because i know it would mean a lot to her and it would be a good step in the right direction to build are relationship. And i could use the support aswell.

 

another situation that happened 5 months ago was my grandma on my dads side passed away and he didnt come with me to the funeral. My dad was absolutely furious and thought it was compeletly wrong and disrespectful for him to not come. But he would not consider coming at all he said no form the start.

 

i read your original post again. If he hasn't met your mom yet then he should go to lunch with you to meet her. For some reason i thought that he had and you just wanted to take him to a lunch with you and your mom

 

not going to the funeral was disrespectful. We have to do things in relationships we don't always want to do. Nobody likes going to funerals especially when you didn't know the person. But he should have gone to be supportive of you.

 

i think the lunch with grandma is different though. Me personally i would go cuz i like grandmas(and grandpas) but i can see why he wouldnt want to go.

 

i think you should draw the line though...yeah he can get out of the lunch with grandma but he has to go to the big stuff. If he doesn't he's showing disrespect.

[alex9]

 

I don't know why the poster above makes it sound like you are 'dragging' him to things like this. It's not a torture chamber.. it's lunch!

 

lunch with mother-in-law not a torture chamber? lol!!!

[JadedStar]

Yes, even tho i hate funerals and never go to them unless it is someone extremely close to me who passed, i do make an exception if the person was very close to a loved one, such as my kids or my SO. I would go not to necessarily pay my respects to a stranger, but to be there for the person i love who was grieving.

[shikashika]

lunch with mother-in-law not a torture chamber? lol!!!

 

 

I guess if people have that negative a view about their families.

 

most guys I know have met my parents/ family within a week or so of us dating.. even if i had a 'casual' relationship... I see my parents a lot and it's not like my dad grills them with the , "son, what does your father do.."

 

I honestly don't know why people view meeting the parents as anything different than meeting friends or work colleagues.

 

If a guy had a problem with that or got all odd about it, I wouldn't want to date him... It just screams wuss!

[JadedStar]

i think the lunch with grandma is different though. Me personally i would go cuz i like grandmas(and grandpas) but i can see why he wouldnt want to go.

.

 

 

This was my line of reasoning as well. I was putting myself in the shoes of a guy who might really not like formalities, and i think lunch with grandparents might fall into that category.

 

The lunch with mom I saw a bit different since he has never met her yet. At some point it would be appropriate that he go ahead and do so. I don't find those types of meetings all that wonderful either, but would do so if asked (my SO has not seen his mom in years so this has not become an issue for me yet, but i would go if he did see her and asked i go with him).

 

I wuold not, however, make it a habitual thing. I am not really into dinners with the in laws all that much. With my first husband it got to the point where i said you go all you want, take the kids so they can see g'ma and g'pa, but i refrained from them because we dind't get along that great. I did a few obligatory dinners here and there on holidays but that was about it. They were very religious and just wanted every oppty to shove their beliefs down my throat so it wasn't very pleasant.

[mags_7531]

thanks for the replies.

 

Alex- we have been together for 1.5 years.

 

Its tough cause I always let him get away with these sitautions Wheni told him i would be upset if he didnt come his response was "you'll get over it, you always do"... i was furious with that comment. But hes right i can be a push over sometimes but how far to do you hold a grudge? Is this really a reason to break up over? So eventually obviously i have to let it go...

[90_hour_sleep]

I guess if people have that negative a view about their families.

 

most guys I know have met my parents/ family within a week or so of us dating.. even if i had a 'casual' relationship... I see my parents a lot and it's not like my dad grills them with the , "son, what does your father do.."

 

I honestly don't know why people view meeting the parents as anything different than meeting friends or work colleagues.

 

If a guy had a problem with that or got all odd about it, I wouldn't want to date him... It just screams wuss!

 

i agree. it can be intimidating, but if it's important to you it's never going to go away for him. might as well ease the stress of it all early on if when the opportunity arrises.

 

sounds pretty unreasonable of him. if it were a frequent occurrence, i could see him being turned off of it. families are great, but no one wants to date an entire family.

[alex9]

I guess if people have that negative a view about their families.

 

most guys I know have met my parents/ family within a week or so of us dating.. even if i had a 'casual' relationship... I see my parents a lot and it's not like my dad grills them with the , "son, what does your father do.."

 

I honestly don't know why people view meeting the parents as anything different than meeting friends or work colleagues.

 

If a guy had a problem with that or got all odd about it, I wouldn't want to date him... It just screams wuss!

 

 

It's different for a guy because when you meet a girls father he likely just see's you as someone that is sleeping with his daughter . Not always...some fathers you can bond with but it's not the norm. They are always judging you especially if he's traditional. Then you're * * * * ed.

 

You're dad is probably really cool. Seriously some dads are just really old school. This girl asked me to meet her dad...I said no prob...we went to her house and he was watching Bill O'reilly. I was like..."oh * * * * " . Yeah it was that bad.

[JadedStar]

I guess if people have that negative a view about their families.

 

most guys I know have met my parents/ family within a week or so of us dating.. even if i had a 'casual' relationship... I see my parents a lot and it's not like my dad grills them with the , "son, what does your father do.."

 

I honestly don't know why people view meeting the parents as anything different than meeting friends or work colleagues.

 

If a guy had a problem with that or got all odd about it, I wouldn't want to date him... It just screams wuss!

 

 

In america (can't remember if you are here or not) most people view meeting the parents as a sign of how serious the relationship is. Some people take it to a very steep level. If they have only been dating a short while they can view this as a 'too soon a step' in many cases. Some people view it much more casually. Really depends on the person and their upbringing and personal views.

 

I didn't have a very warm and fuzzy relationship with my own parents so i guess i never really looked to have one with my partners families either. I didn't assume it would be bad tho, with my first husband they just ended up being my polar opposite so i decided that few visits were more plausible than more. I didn't dislike them i just felt uncomfortable aroudn them as they were so heavy with their religious views and couldn't carry on a conversation without bringing them up constantly.

[shikashika]

It's different for a guy because when you meet a girls father he likely just see's you as someone that is sleeping with his daughter . Not always...some fathers you can bond with but it's not the norm. They are always judging you especially if he's traditional. Then you're * * * * ed.

 

You're dad is probably really cool. Seriously some dads are just really old school. This girl asked me to meet her dad...I said no prob...we went to her house and he was watching Bill O'reilly. I was like..."oh * * * * " . Yeah it was that bad.

 

read another one of my threads... my dad stole my sweet valley high books! That gives you an idea of the kind of dad I have!

[shikashika]

I'm canadian ( but not living there at the moment!) and I think that is true to some extent here. I just don't know why that is. None of my friend's parents are crazy... only one of my boyfriend's mother was ( and she was a bit or a religious crazy, saying things like "only heathens will go out for dinner on a Sunday" so I can see why you wouldn't want to associate much with someone like her) so, I guess I don't see introducing a guy to my parents as a big deal.

 

My parents have always hosted my friends... my younger brother is in a band and his bandmates are always staying the night when in town and we all sit down and eat dinner together. My brother goes grocery shopping with his girlfriend's mum... so i guess i've always been used to have my parents around and in my life just like any normal people.

 

I don't see introducing my friends to a guy I've been dating as a big deal as I like to go out in groups and if i'm dating someone he will meet my friends right away (probably within the first week) and I will meet his.

 

the main reason why is probably because my parents have never questioned the guys I've dated and are really open and friendly to people and usually if I'm just stopping by to drop something off,and the guy is with me, my mother is usually baking and gives the guy some cookies to take him so they always like her ... or she challenges them to a push up competition or something (while my dad sits in the background and reads romance novels..HA!)

[mca1975]

ps. we have been together 1.5 years, im 22 hes 28

 

You have been together for 1.5 years and he still won't do this?! I would understand a little if you were only together a while, like 3 months or so cause I know what men can be like with this sort of thing, they find it a bit hard. but he really should be ok with doing this by now.

 

This would really upset me, my family are so important to me and I would be really offended if he said to me "im not coming, cause I don't like Grandmas" - what a thing to say. I would be put right off him.

 

I really do think that he should be joining in with family things by now and it sounds like you think the same. Have a word.

 

My boyfriend and I are serious about each other, have known each other for over a year and been together for over 4 months now and he cannot wait to come to family things with me and really enjoys them, but then again he is a bit older (36) though I'm not sure how old your boyf is.

 

Good luck x

[mca1975]

I honestly don't know why people view meeting the parents as anything different than meeting friends or work colleagues.

 

If a guy had a problem with that or got all odd about it, I wouldn't want to date him... It just screams wuss!

 

I totally agree with this.