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has anyone gotten this line?


ratfreak

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to make a very long story short, my bf of 3 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. we've had a few talks about what wasn't working but he failed to try to work on things. he said "i don't think i can do this anymore. i don't know what i want right now."

 

we had another talk about a week later and he apologized for some hurtful things he said to me before.

he said that he needs to be alone and to figure out what "is making him unhappy." he said he wasn't ready for a relationship [after 3 years?!]

 

when i asked him if there is any hope for us [not now but in some time] he said "yes because we have alot in common but he doesn't want to hold me back".

 

he's been hurt before and i understand he may need some time but i'm wondering if i got fed lame lines.

 

we had some really great times even after the honeymoon was over, have a lot in common and other than him being distant for the past few months, we've had no other major issues...

 

i miss him and i don't know if i should be holding on to hope that we may get back together...

 

we decided to go to the concerts we already had tickets to and he was the 1st to say he wants to go still because he likes to go to shows with me.

the 1st one is this thursday and as much as i really want to go, i'm afraid it will make it harder for me to get through this...

 

 

any thoughts?

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I wouldn't read into the lines. I think pretty much every dumper has very many cliche lines. I know my ex did (4-1/2 years together). It was almost annoying. Be personal and original w/ what you say. After 4-1/2 years, you think someone would have something original to say when they break up with you.

 

So, yeah, people have gotten those lines. As with most dumpers, they don't know why they are doing it, they just know something is wrong. Give him time to think things through, and don't contact him. Anything you say now won't change his mind anyhow. It can only hurt your chances of getting back together.

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I dunno, the original stuff sometimes hurts more because it is more personal. My BF and I are going through the final attempt on our almost 5 year relationship, and the last breakup we had resulted in some intensely personal things being said that really have prevented us from succeeding after getting back together. No one has figure out how to work around those differences...

 

So I don't know, maybe "lines" are lines for a reason. Maybe they serve a purpose in helping us heal?

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I think that, sometimes when you break up with someone, you're so mixed up, you don't know what to say, so you just end up saying whatever muddled up crap comes to mind.

It's a catch-22. You don't know what you're saying/thinking, so you say something confusing which in turn confuses the person you say it to.

 

Attack of the breakup cliches!

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Ha...

 

Indeed. That all sounds very familiar. My ex basically said the same thing 'wasn't ready" after 7 years. Makes you wonder how they could be with you for so long and then suddenly have this need to be alone, suddenly not be ready for a serious relationship.

 

I don't know if it's just a line or not, but it definitely doesn't seem to make much sense. Mine even told me he was still in love with me but couldn't be with me. What?! Why would you go out of your way not to be with someone you love?

 

Something very fishy about all that...I agree. I guess it just means the person doesn't want to be with us for whatever reason. I have come to the conclusion that my ex thought he was "too dependent" on me and thought that I was "too dependent" on him. It wasn't the kind of lifestyle he wanted to he fed me those lines of not being ready, blah blah blah. He basically wants someone who will let him be as irresponsible as he wants so he won't have to be accountable to anyone. That's just how he is.

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...sigh... whatever happened to the "i'm not happy any more, here's why and no there is no going back". would make things much clearer.

 

COtuner - good luck. at least your significant other wants to give it a try. hope things work out.

 

 

i think on thursday when we go to the show, i'm going to ask in what capacity he wants/sees me in his life. if he doesn't i can just be sure, cry and try to make my peace with it rather than hold onto something that may never happen.

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Ha...

 

Indeed. That all sounds very familiar. My ex basically said the same thing 'wasn't ready" after 7 years. Makes you wonder how they could be with you for so long and then suddenly have this need to be alone, suddenly not be ready for a serious relationship.

 

I don't know if it's just a line or not, but it definitely doesn't seem to make much sense. Mine even told me he was still in love with me but couldn't be with me. What?! Why would you go out of your way not to be with someone you love?

 

 

I don't necessarily think there would be someone else in the picture. My b/f broke up with me after 2 years and planning a lifetime together with the line 'I just don't want the pressure of a relationship right now' but that he still loved me, it was 'me not you' and he thought it would be 'best for both of us' - how many cliches can you think of?! There is definitely no one else, he is just a bit of a hermit!

 

However we have managed to stay friends. I am exactly the same person as I was at the beginning and am determined when I see him, which has been a few times due, like you, to arrangements planned in advance, to be me and not a quivering wreck (just fall apart in my own time sometimes!).

 

This works for both of us at the moment and will still hug and kiss. So if you can handle it, allow yourself to still be friends with him. If the anger kicks in or if you feel too upset, you might not be able to, but personally I think valuing friendship may let us let go at our own pace. Good luck.

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I've tried to put myself in his situation to see if I could understand better but I just can't. If you like/love someone, why would you want to spend time away from them?

 

We started out as friends and I'd like to go back to being friends some day - obviously not now.

 

I'm not worried that I'll fall apart infront of him. I'm sure I'll be ok.

I'm worried that the minute I leave, I'm going to feel worst that I did when we first broke up and the hurt will stick around for longer.

 

I want to believe what he's said to me but I'm also questioning his reasons... he said it all becuase he felt guilty for hurting me, because he said what he thought i wanted to hear... or because he has no balls to tell me the truth.

 

Thursday seems like forever away and I'm trying not to think about it but it's driving me nuts.

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I've had exactly the same lines, I was told that he was thinking about it for 7-8 weeks, trying to hint, which I apparently did not get as he was still saying he loved me, missed me, lots of nice things as usual.

 

Then you say 'why did you not talk about with me?' as you are their best friend as well, and the answer is 'I didn't want to hurt you'. Hmmmm, doesn't make logical sense does it? Or I suppose it does, but not to us.

 

The thing is, the dumper always has a lot more time to prepare for the break up than the dumpee, so it hits us and we go through a lot of raw emotions straight away.

 

I can honestly say though that I was really worried about what I was going to say/do when I met him the first time after, but weirdly it was o.k. We were just pleased to be in each other's company, discussed normal stuff and hugged etc. I think he was pleased I didn't make a scene and it made me feel better not too.

 

Give him a chance if you like, look gorgeous and be friendly but unemotional...it might help you more than you think....

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Hopefully it will help. If it doesn't, all the other shows are a no go.

 

I can't be going back and forth... I'm just so exhausted from crying and not being able to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about all that happened and was said.

 

How long after the breakup did you see one another?

It's only been 3 weeks...

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It was about a week, because we'd made a prior commitment for him to look after my kids while I was away at a conference. So it wasn't a sit down full on discussion, we chatted as he dropped me off at the station, we just asked how each other was (both said not too good but immersing ourselves in work), I managed to stay focussed and we hugged and kissed briefly before I went off. That conference probably saved me because I had not ate for nearly a week before it and I had too at the conference.

 

I was still wanting him to change his mind and the miracle to happen, but when you are completely emotionally exhausted you start feeling a bit angry that they have made you feel this way, and get a bit back in control. All my feelings I kept inside but I was friendly and cheerful on the outside. We met up two or three times after as I was helping him with some work, he still calls me 'honey' but is careful not to say he loves or misses me. I am now also holding back, but it's only 2 weeks and sometimes little things set me off.

 

Not asking the big question you want to ask might help - why and how could you will just switch him off I'm sure.

 

However, if you're still feeling really bad, it might be a good idea to put off meeting until you feel you have recovered a little. But don't go in there with any expectations. A lot of people on here think you shouldn't offer friendship either as it will make him feel less guilty and stop you from healing, but I guess that depends on the individual, it has helped me so far and now I'm ready to back away more.

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Yes after all the hurt and crying, the anger set in but I can see it VERY slowly going away. It will take time, I know.

 

It was him who said he's still like to go to the concerts since we have the tickets, because he "likes going to shows with me."

 

When we talked last, I asked him if there is any hope for us together... would he ever want to and he said "yes. we have a lot in common but i don't want to hold you back." - SO a part of me is still hanging on even though I know I probably shouldn't.

 

We've been civil so there won't be any scenes etc [at least I hope not]. I was always happy to see him even when things weren't great so...

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Oh, go see him before the show, be 'normal' and show him you are fine. It appears there is the possibility here (as opposed to many threads) that he may believe he has made a mistake. Just allow him to believe this by being yourself and having a great time! And let us know how you go on.

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So I was going to wait until today to send him a message if he wanted to meet before the show BUT last night - wednesday he sent me one saying "Hi. How Are you doing? I'm checking to see if you still wanted to go to the "showx" or do you want the ticket back?"

 

I replied I'm still ok for going but that if he doesn't want to, i will go and sell his seat.

He wrote back "Yeah I'm still good for going. Can I buy you dinner before?"

 

I replied that I'll get my bill and asked where and what time he wants to meet so we picked a place and time.

 

 

I didn't sleep at all last night and I realized that this was a bad idea but it's too late to back out of the super expensive seats SO... what I'm wondering is... is it ok to ask "Did you mean everything you said last time we talked?" or should just I leave all the relationship bs alone and talk about the weather, the food and how great the show will be...

 

I'm just so exhausted and want to figure out wether it's all over for good or what's going on because I need to make peace with all of this for myself so that I can keep going and not fall apart...

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Don't mention the relationship in any way, shape or form. Go have fun at the concert, be your charming, beautiful self, and have fun plans of some sort immediately after the show...not with your ex.

 

This of all nights would be a good night to go out, get wild and stay out til the sun comes up. Say a polite "bye" and head off to your other plans. Let him know what you are doing after briefly without dwelling on it, and do not invite him along under any circumstances. Best wishes.

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Well, then night was 50/50 good and bad.

 

 

so we met before the show for some food and he seemed sort of cheery and somewhat happy etc so we awkwardly did the how was your week thing and then it got weird and i had to go to the bathroom because i couldn't hold back the tears.

 

we ate and he was saying that if it is too upsetting then maybe he shoudln't go to the show with me because it will ruing it - but hey, it's too late for that so we decided to go. i said that i'm sorry but i can't be as cheerfull and happy as he is to which he replied that he's not happy and he's trying not to make me feel worst because he's hurt me enough already.

 

we walked over to the show and had a few laughs but once the show started and all i wanted to do was cry because all the songs are about people breaking up. the concert was really good but... unfortunately, the last song they played was Silver Springs and i just started to cry like mad... i don't know if he saw it or not and i don't really care.

 

After the show he said he's glad we went and had a few laughs despite everything else.

 

on the way i asked him - in what capacity does he want me in his life if at all. so he said he really hopes we can be friends because he misses doing things with me. so i told him i'm asking because i need to know where i stand and what i can hope for. he said friends only. i replied so you didn't really mean what you said when we talked last because when i asked would you ever like us to work out in some time and you said yes. so he went on to say he doesn't know because he doesn't know what was making him unhappy. i then asked if he feels happier now that we're not together and he said no and that he really misses me and our emails and all the things we used to do and sometimes he things he's made the biggest mistake of his life because i was amazing [a little late for this huh]... but he still doesn't know why he's unhappy. i then asked him if he got bored of if he wanted to see other people. he said that towards the end he did think about other people and no one specific but he did think about it so he thought it's best to get out. he doesn't know if it was him being bored or wanting other people or us that was making him unhappy.

 

i asked him if we do try friends, how much of friends he'd like to be and then he said as comfortable as we are... and then he went on to say oh what if i started to see other people how would that make you feel blah blah blah.

 

he asked me if he can hug me at the end of the night but i said no.

i gave him his things back too...

 

 

 

It was really hard but it made me realize that he doesn't want me anymore and that he probably never did. He just wants to still have me around as a friend but still wants to be able to sleep around with others.

 

All I got was lame lines to make him feel better and less guilty.

 

I can't be friends with him and will only see him with our mutual friends, which I am not going to give up because of him.

 

I miss him and I don't know what to do with myself when my friends are busy and I wonder what he's doing on weekends and some days that we usually spent together but I don't miss tiptoing around and being hurt and ignored or brushed off...

 

This too shall pass. I just hope it comes soon because I'm exhausted from no sleep and crying all the time.

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