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What to do when being disrespected by ex?


HopeArises

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Hi Folks,

 

I'll make this as short as possible. I was with my ex for 8 months. She was a VERY generous and sweet girl (VERY down to earth). She was also VERY independent and feared losing it. I became insecure over time (had no real reason to be) and as a result I became needy, clingy, possessive, controlling. This drove her away. She ended it. I realized the error of my ways IMMEDIATELY and took responsibility for my actions. I accepted the breakup, knowing WHY she had to go through with it. I began going for therapy and started changing my ways (became more independent of mind...more confident and grew calmer). She saw this and felt comfortable enough to stay in touch with me and only 4 days after the breakup we had our first friend date. This lead to us talking every 2nd or 3rd day and seeing each other at least once a week (usually on Saturday nights) and we got closer. I really was changing. I wasn't needy, demanding, clingy anymore. I had grown independent.

 

So, we got closer, but whenever we got too close, she would put on the breaks, claiming she wanted to take it slow and that she was confused. So, it became a pattern of us having a GREAT night and her pulling away the next day. It was frustrating, but seeing I had made mistakes in the relationship, I took it in stride. The thing is, we started really taking on the bf/gf roles again without the title, but she didn't seem to want to commit to me. She would let go and then pull away for a few days and then she began to become unreliable and not call me when she said she would. So, I felt like a yoyo after some time. I still stuck it out, but it got worse. After 2.5 months of this (my feelings were ENGAGED and I was allowing myself to let go with her), I realized she was getting more and more unreliable and flip flopping and so I told her how she was no longer respecting me and this has to stop, because I refuse to accept these table scraps any longer. I told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while and would contact her when I was ready to, at which point she would be able to make me more than just an "option".

 

Anyways, for almost 1 month I had been going strong in NO CONTACT, at which point SHE surprises me with an email, asking me if we make things positive and she is sorry for having disrespected me and she admitted that she wasn't being fair and then SHE asked me if I could call her. I did and she was SWEET and apologetic and asked me if I would like to get together. I accepted. We saw each other 3 days later for a breakfast. It was nice and fun (like old times). She said she would call me the next day before we parted ways. So, by 9:00pm the next night I had not heard from her and so, I called her (NOT making a big deal about it). I called her twice more the next week. Then I stopped for a few days and she called me on her own after 4 days. I waited a couple of days and returned her call. We spoke for a bit and I asked her if she'd like to get together at some point. She suggested THIS Sunday evening. I asked her if we should leave it up in the air and she said no, we'll get together.

 

So today, I called her at noon. I got her machine. I left her a nice message, suggesting we do supper tonight and asked her to call me back. Well, it is now 8:00pm and she has sunk to a NEW LOW. She never called me back to confirm or to even cancel with me for tonight. She just did NOTHING and I am left here with my mouth dropped wide open, not understanding how or why I am being disrespected like this. I meant business when I told her NO MORE after 2.5 months of back and forth. I went away for a month and she came after me, asking me if we could move past that and make things positive and here she is now, doing this to me. No common decency to let me know not to wait around for her. She just blew me off COMPLETELY. Her actions are not consistent with her having called me last week more than once and suggesting we get together tonight.

 

I am VERY tempted to call her up now to ask her WHAT HAPPENED? I thought we had plans? What's going on and then my head tells me NOT TO, because that will show her that I was waiting around for her, but at the same time I don't want to be treated like a doormat..

 

I am feeling upset, confused and hurt all over again. I just don't understand WHY she is playing with me like this? Should I call to find out what happened tonight, or not?

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Your just proving to her that you are still needy, clingy, possessive and controlling.

The only way this will change is if you let her chase you. If she doesn't, then move on.

The best way for her to chase you is actually to move on!

 

I'm looking for BALANCE. She doesn't need to chase me. 50/50 effort is what I am looking for. Give and take and more than that, I am looking for RESPECT.

 

Concerning her not even having had the common decency to call me at ANY point today to CANCEL (which would have been last minute anyways), seeing plans were made on Thursday for tonight, but having not even called me to cancel, is something she would NEVER have done to me in the past. NEVER. I am dumbfounded because I am not that reactive clingy little boy anymore, yet I'm being given less respect than EVER before... Do I call her tonight to find out what happened, or do nothing?

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Personally I would do nothing. I would be so pissed that I wouldn't want to talk to her. Let her come to you and tell you what happened and unless there was some major emergency, there is no excuse.

 

I'm confused more than I am pissed off. I want respect. Why has that become SO hard for her to deliver on with me? I give her NOTHING but respect, yet she can do to me tonight what she did and again, it's something she NEVER would have EVER done in the past and furthermore, I went away for one full month because of how unreliable she had become with me and now she pulls this after having contacted ME... I want to call tonight to find out WHAT HAPPENED? Not saying I would want to stay on the phone with her after having found out, but I am just confused as to WHY? Is it easier on her being a coward than actually getting the courage to deal with me and cancel (do the DECENT thing)?

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From an outsiders perspective, I'd have to say probably that you two just haven't had enough time away from each other after the break-up.

 

I mean, really away. Not the trying to be friends thing, or acting sort of like friends but sort of still interested in each other thing. No confusion - just living your own lives away from each other and dealing with the break up individually.

 

Instead of thinking of this as some battle to gain respect fror her or to try to have some sort of relationship with her; you could be thinking of it as the natural sort of gunk that can happen when people don't separate fully after a break up and give each other enough distance.

 

It's not just the amount of time without contact either; it's all the grieving and ending of the initial relationship that needs to take place before trying to go on to something else.

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what to do? drop them like it's hot.

 

Thanks for your little catchy cliche ..

 

I appreciate you having replied but in all seriousness, you are saying that she is not worth it? I was responsible for the breakup, but since then (4 months now), I have done NOTHING to push her away or make her treat me with such little respect.

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No, do not contact her. Walk away. As I had cautioned you in your previous threads, she has had a track record of doing this so it was inevitable that she would go back to this behaviour. She hasn't learned a thing and this should be your wake-up call that she will never change. Don't do anything...just hold your head up high and walk out of her life.

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exactly. disrespect is one of those big dealbreakers. it's a requirement in a relationship. if she doesn't respect you' date=' i would say to turn around and not look back.[/quote']

 

But am I doing something that is contributing to her not respecting me anymore?

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Don't call her!

 

I'm sure she'll be calling you very soon with another airhead excuse, thinking that you'll fall for it again, and she'll have you back on the shelf.

 

The only time that she'll stop disrespecting you is when you put a stop to it, and take your control back.

 

Stop being her doormat, you deserve better...

 

Take care...

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thats a tough one, on one hand if you call and ask what happenend you may come needy, however she is clearly disrespecting you and you deserve better than that man, however I think you have every right to ask, she clearly blew you off and didnt even have the respect to call and cancel, unless its an emergency there is no excuse for that show her that you have respect for yourself and will not tolerate people in your life who dont have respect for you

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thats a tough one, on one hand if you call and ask what happenend you may come needy, however she is clearly disrespecting you and you deserve better than that man, however I think you have every right to ask, she clearly blew you off and didnt even have the respect to call and cancel, unless its an emergency there is no excuse for that show her that you have respect for yourself and will not tolerate people in your life who dont have respect for you

 

The thing is, she is TOTALLY contradicting her actions from last week, whereby she called me 3 times. There's NO consistency in what she's doing. I'm having a hard time giving her the benefit of the doubt at this stage, because her track record speaks for itself...

 

From what I've been told, calling her TONIGHT to find out what the hell happened is a NO NO, because it shows her that I am HERE WAITING FOR HER and that I am chasing. A couple of people told me it's okay to call and find out what happened in a day or two. The temptation to call though to see what's going on in strong though...

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I read your posts and am going through the EXACT same thing...with phone calls then no calls, etc. Last night we ended up at the same bar and he acted so disrespectful. I actually typed up a letter but based on Siberia's advice (she's AWESOME) won't send it b/c I've already said too much. Just want to attach to get comments. If I had something to say about RESPECT, it would be said if my letter was given.

 

Well, you mentioned last night that you get emails easier than texts, and though I tried calling you earlier today (thinking we could actually have a friendly chat about this topic), I haven't heard back from you so I guess I'll just email my thoughts.

 

I have to say it was surprising but nice to bump into you last night, though I was a bit taken back by your somewhat avoidant behavior. I felt as though I put myself out there by asking you outside for a smoke and you didn't have much to say. I'm not exactly sure what you were feeling when we were outside b/c I felt as though you couldn't even look my way and needed to bolt out of there. To me, that's not how friends treat each other (that's more like acquaintances) and not how I operate my friendships with people. Even if we discussed being open to the idea of a friendship, I would hope it wouldn't be like that... all awkward and such. I also think that you don't realize that I've had plenty of time to think and have accepted the fact that what we had is over and am OK with that. I have moved on mentally and need to be honest with you also, have recently decided to date again.

 

I also wasn't going to call you later on, but decided to be respectful and do so, though I felt you avoided the call also. At this point, I actually don't want a friendship with you based on the fact that your behavior seems very inconsistent and disrespectful in the last few months and also that I have plenty of friends in my life at this point that do treat me with respect that I can count on.

 

Anyway, that's all I had to say. I wish you all the love, luck, and happiness in the future. As I mentioned in last night's message (and from what I can surmise from your behavior last night), it's best at this point...that we both take the time and space to think about our lives and decisions. Maybe if down the line..we're both available and have worked on our issues and want to date again...we can revisit it. As much as I love you...right now I feel as though I don't know who you are...and certainly won't accept this type of behavior.

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I sent her a similar letter a month and a half ago and I stayed away for one month until SHE contacted me and apologized for having disrespected and asked me if we could make things positive. Not sure what she meant by that, but here I am again a few weeks later, experiencing even WORSE disrespect from her. She keeps outdoing herself.

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I know that you'll disagree vehemently with this, but I think a substantial period of NC is in order. She has to miss you and fear losing you. Right now she can pick you up and drop you at a whim.

 

Treat her as casually as she's treating you. Date others, as well as her.

 

Ringing tonight will just reinforce her position as your puppet master. Force her to have some respect for you. Make yourself scarce. For months.

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I know that you'll disagree vehemently with this, but I think a substantial period of NC is in order. She has to miss you and fear losing you. Right now she can pick you up and drop you at a whim.

 

Treat her as casually as she's treating you. Date others, as well as her.

 

Ringing tonight will just reinforce her position as your puppet master. Force her to have some respect for you. Make yourself scarce. For months.

 

Actually I don't disagree with you at all.

 

I'm sitting here in disbelief. This is PRECISELY why I stayed away from her for almost a full month after having gotten the runaround for 2.5 months post-breakup and she knows it.

 

There is NO justification for her not having called me up to even cancel. She's being the coward again. This is precisely what she did the week before that last weekend (the weekend where I put on the brakes and told her NO MORE). At least then she had the decency to cancel on me for that Saturday night, but this time around I'm worth even less????

 

Is this supposed to be another test, or am I just dealing with a woman who really doesn't care anymore at all, even to extend me to minimum amount of respect and common decency? Is it wrong to call her and find out what the hell happened?

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