I think I will be okay. Love isn't that fickle

[UCLAMike]

I took a break from ENA and I think it was a good one. It gave me time to think for myself and not get bombarded with mixed opinions and advice from different people with different perspectives.

 

This is what I realized. Love isn't that fickle. In my own relationship, I was completely blinded by love and accepted my ex for everything that she stood for. However, I realize it wasn't the same for her. I do not know her intentions and we had major character/communication barriers. She didn't understand me nor wanted to get to know me. I am not sure why she dated me maybe she liked me. Maybe she wanted to feel it out if something is there. She broke up with me a couple of times throughout our 1 year together, and each time she felt I wasn't the one. She was right. We didn't understand each other. Even today, I look back and I don't really know who she is nor what she values. We never had that talk. We just sort of got attracted to each other and went from there. She wanted to break up way before it ended. I was reluctant to let go because I still loved her. But other things were more important to her and I wasn't the one for her.

 

This experience has taught me many things. Love isn't that fickle. When we keep track of our other half's wrong doings and do not remain honest with them, it will create disasters. Love isn't something you snap out of or change feelings. Have you seen people who go through serious problems, such as cheating or abuse, yet they still remain together and eventually change for another? Yes. As politically incorrect that is, that's what love is. It's a serious commitment in WANTING to get to know that person and connect to their souls. My ex didn't want that with me. I wanted to but she didn't. And that's okay, it just means she wasn't my girl. She isn't the one for me. It's not that she isn't worth it, but the relationship isn't worth hurting over anymore.

 

Also, she got into this relationship for a different reason. I wanted to be with HER regardless of what she has or doesn't have. When I asked her for the proposal and she dumped me, I apologized and tried to get back together. I was so heart broken that she couldn't be there for me. When I told her I wasn't trying to use her, she said let's take it slow. Then she asked if anything could be done to get my citizenship. I told her I had to get sponsorship through a job and that it was the only way. She didn't care. It wasn't her problem. No words of comfort, nothing. I thought it was really selfish of her to not comfort me during times of hurt. She expected so much out of me that I couldn't even tell her anything. I remember a month before the LSAT, I asked her what she would do if I decided not to go to law school. Truth be told, I wasn't sure how well I was going to do. I was wavering a bit. She was kind of mad about it. She said "why? are you not confident enough?" in a taunting manner. So much for support. It was a very abusive relationship.

 

I know that our relationship could have been salvaged if she remained honest and communicative with me, instead of holding me up to her expectations. I would have changed for her and she would have done the same for me. But we both have to want it. Love isn't just a feeling. It's such a deep profound respect for one another it's kind of strange. Once the sweet and honey moon is over, that's when real love is tested. It isn't what you see in movies. I wish that I knew this earlier. I wish that when she broke up with me long ago, I would have accepted it and not get led on longer.

 

I think I will be okay. I actually saw my ex this past Friday night coming out of the club with her new boyfriend. He drove a better car than me and was taller than me. I am pretty sure it was her. This was strange because she never made the effort to see me or make the relationship work. I felt like I was really holding on to the relationship by myself. Seeing her on the weekends was out of the question due to her busy work schedule. Now I see her partying with her new guy on a Friday night. She WANTS to do that with him, but not with me. She is doing all the things we had planned on doing together when we were still together - going to Vegas, clubs, etc. At first I felt so used and abused, and that she took me for granted. but that's okay now. It used to kill me, but now that I think about it, she was never the one for me. We weren't right for each other.

 

What she had for me wasn't love. I don't even know what it was. Love isn't that fickle. I actually can see myself in love with somebody else now. It really took me a while, but I think I can get into a happy and loving relationship with somebody who wants to get to know me. I don't even have to fear that I have to stay single just in case she comes back. I know she won't. She is safe now and in a better place. I loved her very much and that's all that I need to know. She is in good place.

 

I want to live and love again~!!

[laisla]

great post and realization mike. i agree with all your points. i wish you the best of luck with life. you're a good guy and i know you will be very happy with someone else and she'll make you happy, too.

[Sweet Venus]

Aww Mike..this was such a sweet thread. I agree with you...

and anyone who is FOR you, won't go by you. Remember that....

 

Best wishes!!

[Dosed]

I agree with the others bud. Great post.

 

You'll meet someone fantastic who will be there through thick and thin which in turn will make her value and respect you more.

 

I'm glad you have clarity

[InRecovery]

You've articulated my own thoughts perfectly regarding love

 

If you truly love someone you have to want the best for them and out of them, and you have to give them a chance and make things work.

 

I realise my ex didn't love me as much as she said (not that she lied) because as soon as she was confronted by a flaw in my persona she opted to both distance herself from me, and turn what could have been a small issue into this massive thing.

[Keyman]

High 5 to you brother! Good to hear that you have arrived at this place and can sit back and diagnose the relationship. You are right, you were not meant to be together, but you had to go through what you went through to learn this that you have stated here. You both came into each others lives for something, and after reading this, I feel you have come out a stronger more knowledgable person. It's will still take more time though dude, but you are well on your way out of this all.

 

Truth be told, Love CAN be fickle. People get into relationships and when they don't go the way they wanted them to, they can do all sorts of weird things that often causes their partner/ex to be dragged along for an unhappy ride. People feel love in different ways and at different speeds, and this is the same with removing love.

 

Never mind what she is doing now that you always wished to do with her. Those things will be fulfilled with someone that does want to do those things with you. Lots of people love in different ways, and part of the trick is to find the person that loves like you do AND wants similar things in life AND has similar values AND likes you for you. Statistics say that finding that right person will take time and we'll go through many almost rights before we find the right person for us.

 

You still have more steps to take, dude, and I feel you did a good thing backing away from ENA for a while. You'll need more of that, as while this place helps in some understanding, it can actually hold us back as well. Sometimes we just need to talk less about things, and since this place is a place of talk, it can keep bringing things up that we should leave alone.

 

Stay positive and open and the wolrd will come to you.

[UCLAMike]

Thank you. I know that I have to still go through healing of just all the negative abuse and treatment I received and just really take time to heal. But I know now there is no denying it. She did me wrong and I need to constantly forgive her and myself for it. And I need to treat myself well. I want to get to the place where all of these hurtful memories no longer have power over me. I want to get to that place of peace soon and not even WANT her or THINK about her anymore.

[UCLAMike]

its over. she's gone forever. i feel so sad right now. for the first time since the break up i can feel the sadness and tears welling up behind my eyes. this isn't feeling of depression but of sadness in losing someone you loved deeply. I know you never loved me the way I loved you, but I loved you babe be good and be well...

 

i wanna cry and let it all out.