Talking about a future.

[lana111]

Okay, this is probably my 5th post over the last year regarding this subject, although there is something added to the mix each time as things progress

 

The facts...

 

Been dating my bf for a year and a half.

Im in my late 20's he's in his early 30's.

No problems in the relationship at all but what I'm about to discuss.

He is not big on communication, or expressing himself verbally.

I used to have an issue with this but I have come to terms with it.

 

So a few months ago, I think, I sent him a text asking if he ever thought of a future with us. He wrote back "yes, do you?". I said yes. End of discussion. I know I shouldnt have done that via text, but I did.

 

So a month or so after that we had a big talk, well me talking and him just sitting there not knowing what to say as he has trouble communicating. What I really wanted to talk about was our future but I went about it in a round about way, was a mess. I totally frustrated him. We also had miscommunications. He ended up saying he wasnt sure what he wanted.

 

A few days later I ask him if he really felt that way or if he was just frustrated/confused that night. He writes back...

 

I said that b/c, at the time, it seemed to me like that was what you were leaning towards and I guess I was a little frustrated as well. I guess it was just mis-communication that night. Those are things (meaning a future with me) that I have/do think about...sorry I can't write more...got clients here..we'll talk more later baby xoxo

 

So that was a month ago. He never continued the conversation later that day or that week. So now thats where we stand. I want to talk about this again BUT I also dont want to keep bringing it up. But I want to know. I mean, we never ever talked about such things. Even in the beginning where you and your SO just share your wants and such. I know (almost) nothing of what he wants out of life. Im not looking to get married just bc I want to get married- Im think of getting married bc of him, bc I have such strong feelings and he's such a great guy. Im at the point where if he doesnt feel the same way, or we arent on the same page, I want to walk. I dont want to fall deeper in love with someone who doesnt want the same thinsg as me. Also, to confuse it more, Im not even sure I want to be with him like that bc we havent discussed things that need to be known before one can make such a decsion... like kids, where we'd like to live, how we want to live, how we'd like to handle money, and so on...

 

So what do I do? Bring it up again? Does his silence say it all? Wait a while and if he doesnt bring it up on his own, leave?

[thistime]

i have a bf just like this! I am 38, he is 36. we have had several "mini' discussions about this, and they all ended up starting an argument, so they were ended...unresolved. finally one day I was asking him about this again...and it escalated into a HUGE fight. He finally said. If he didnt want to be with me, he wouldnt be. And if things are fine, and going along well, then I needed to let things happen naturally. The 'future" will happen, as it should and me constantly wanting to discuss it wasnt helping it come faster. Period! i decided to stop bringing up the same old fight-starting conversation....and let the eb and flow happen naturally. This is the best way to get a man to move calmly and decisively into a future with you. You cant push someone towards you. (trust me!)I know it's difficult to think this way...but it is the trutyh. woman want answers and men...for the most part...like to see how it goes. If it's going well...then they consider that moving towards a future. I assume his choosing to stay with you, is his idea of having and building a future with you. His actions are speaking for him.

[lana111]

Thank you. Most of me knows that just by him being with me and devoting himself to me 100% means he's in it for the long haul. However, unless we talk about our future or what we both want out of our futures I'M not even sure if I want to continue. For example, what if I find out he wants 4 kids? I def dont want that! I just want to talk to him about things. I want to talk to him so badly w/o freaking him out (eventhough i dont think he would be). I want to know if he wants to get married someday... does he want kids... if so how many...

 

And then down the line Id want to talk more specifically... How will we raise our kids... what will we do regarding religion... how will we handle our money... how will we deal with hard times...

 

Its like everyone and their mother tells him what a great girl he has, how he needs to hang on to me, they tell me I have a great guy, that we are the most fantastic balanced couple they have ever seen (seriously, about 6 people have stated that to me/us). I get the "when you guys are married" and the "my soon to be sister in law". We hear it left and right yet we dont hear it from each other.

[lana111]

anyone else? i need opinions... do i bring it up one more time or just let it go?

[sbux_addict]

honestly, i'm a woman and you are kind of freaking me out.

 

i understand your need to know where things stand in the very long run, but in situations like these, i don't think it's good to as if as though give him an ultimatum and pressure him to talk about the future or else. why are you so anxious to know about the future anyway? he obviously doesn't want to talk about it yet, and the more you push him, the more that will push him away from you.

[lana111]

cause i really dont want to continue if we are not on the same page. he means a lot to me and i know what i think i want for us, but im also not someone who believes in soul mates/one true love... so if we arent thinking the same way, i dont want to be in the relationship. i have no problems walking away and dealing with the fact that we arent on the same page. i know he is madly in love and has indirectly made it clear that im it for him, but i need to talk about things to see if we want the same out of life.

 

im not asking for a committment to anything or to talk in specifics, just an open discussion on what we generally want out of life and where we may see each other in our lives. like i said in the original post, there are simple things that i dont know about him. the sorta stuff couples casually discuss in the first few months of dating (wants, goals) we have never discussed.

 

so do i initiate conversation again or just let it go?

 

actually, im just going to ask him tonight if he ever wants to be married... have kids... not with me, but in general. thats all i really want to know at this point.