Jump to content

Sexless Relationship


TheCeej

Recommended Posts

Hi There,

 

I have found myself in a very peculiar situation. I would love the advice of some non-bias outside sources to help me understand my situation better.

 

I found a girl that I am in love with. She is gorgeous, talented, driven, and everything I would look for in a girl that I would want to be with for the rest of my life. We started dating a while back, and we found ourselves navigating through some rough waters because we have a few fundamental differences. These stem off of her following her faith of Christianity and me not really following any faith. Sex quickly become a hot button issue for the two of us. She is bent on saving her virginity (in the most literal of definitions, ie she will not have vaginal intercourse) for after marriage. I look up to this decision of hers quite a bit however it is not a lifestyle I choose to live. We found some middle ground that she was comfortable with and were able to satisfy my sexual needs without actually having intercouse. (I don't mind oral as an alternitive

Things were great, we were happy and in love and so on and so forth.

 

Then, she had a religious epiphany and decided we could no longer have any sort of sexual contact. This snowballed into not being able to really talk about sexual things, taking away things like showering wit each other, changing around each other, and even restricting our physical contact to a brief make-out session once in a while. Wanting to be a gentlemen and still very much in love, I agreed to these terms because she asked me to.

 

Now, 2 months later I am feeling quite a heavy strain on our relationship becaues of this decision. Here is a girl that I am in love with, and I get almost zero physical contact with her when at one time, it was ok. I have talked to her about how much I am struggling with this, and she says she is sympathetic. She says that it is very difficult for her to not give in to sexual frustration too, but that she really feels that this is important in her life. Meanwhile, I am dying over here. She sleeps in my bed and I can't even carry on a prolonged kiss with her without her stopping before it creates a sexual atmosphere. I am flustered as all hell. I love this girl very dearly, but am just so damned frustrated with this ultimatum she has trapped me in.

 

I would love to hear thoughts on this situation and possible suggestions on how to deal with this. (I don't really take masturbating a lot as a viable solution because I have barked up this tree, and all it has gotten me is toned triceps.) Help anyone?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 56
  • Created
  • Last Reply

This isnt very fair of her. I understand if she had told you from the start this is how it would be and this is how she felt. But to change her mind because of a religious 'epihany' is silly. If shes already done some sexual stuff, not doing it again isnt going to take that back.

 

I couldnt live this way. As much as you love her a relationship is about two people, your needs AND hers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sounds very hypocritical to me. She picks and chooses when and for how long to do things, slowly pulling further and further away. I am sure religion didn't have in mind that someone would get naked with a person and give and receive oral sex...the whole idea about virginity is purity and sexual innocence...and she is very very far from that. Sleeping in the same bed is also being rather hypocritical. I think it is time to have a talk with her about your needs and maybe re-think this relationship. It is a two way street and if she has "found religion" then maybe she needs to find someone who has the same "hands off" approach.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think in all reality this is a deal breaker.

You two have two very different views and opinions, and if you're this frustrated now, can you last another year? two?

Probably not.

 

There's nothing to be done. You both want different things. If her religious epiphany has caused her to stop all sexual contact, you gotta find a way to deal with it if you want to be with her.

 

I know its not great advice, but I really think the only choice you have here is to walk away.

This is a HUGE difference for a relationship..and aside from you marrying her tomorrow or in the near future..nothing will change. You need to find parnters that value the same things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

Based on what you've posted, unless she changes her mind, the solution she seems to be seeking is that you marry her.

 

I think sex is just one of many issues you may encounter along the way.

 

You should have a heart-to-heart talk with her about what your religious differences mean for your relationship now, and for the future.

 

There can be issues not just surrounding sex, but also wedding ceremonies, how children are raised, involvement in the church, how you are treated by her family and/or other religious people in her life, etc.

 

Even if she has sex once married- her idea of sex might be very different from yours then too. Will she be opposed to using birth control? Will she feel "sinful" every time you have sex?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

clearly you guys arent compatiable when it comes to sex... you value sex in a rel more then your gf...

 

theres really only two answers for this.. either you hold out and respect her wishes, and if one day you guys are married then you can get some.. or you guys arent for each other and you have to end it...

 

theres no magic saying or pill that will get you thru this...

 

there have been many girls in my life, that were perfect in many ways and def would of married them, but there was a few things that we were different on, hence we werent really compatiable.. i dindnt force the issue and rel.. we just werent right...

 

either you put up with it and get thru it... or you have to find a gf that has the same outlook on sex that you do...

 

maybe not the answer you wanna hear, but its the reality of it...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ha thanks for all of your prompt feedback. =))

 

I have only been with this girl for a few months. I know that makes things look bad because we have been trying to tackle all of this bull in the first few months of our relationship. I just...

I have a fairly deep moral dilema with this. I love this girl very much. When I thought about meeting the girl of my dreams, this girl is to the T what I am looking for. Which creates a problem with myself... I plan on settling down when it is time. When I want to raise children and have a family, I do not plan on smoking pot or swearing a lot as I do now. There is a lot of growing up I have to do before settling down. But I think that settling down is exaclty that... SETTLING DOWN.

I am young. Im 20 for heavens sake. I want time to make mistakes, learn about myself, and experience things. So we do have VERY different views on a lot of things... but am I throwing away the girl of my dreams because I am not growing up fast enough? Does this make sense? Ha I often formulate thoughts in my head much more effectively than I can type them in a forum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If her religious feelings are strong enough to stop all physical contact, and you aren't even a Christian, this may cause lots of future problems for you in terms of what role religion will have in your life and family and how you raise your children.

 

So I honestly don't think this is a relationship that can go the distance unless you convert to a more strict christianity or she decides it is not so important to her.

 

you don't want to marry her just because you want to have sex with her, but because you believe she is the right person for you, and you share similar beliefs and lifestyle (and it is the right time to marry).

 

So you have some deeper talks you need to have on whether you are just postponing the inevitable (breakup) if you never will become a staunch Christian and match her value system with your own.

 

If you really are never going to have that level of important to religion that she does, you might just be wasting your time and better to move on to someone more compatible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A few months and shes already yo yoing back and forth as to what she believes in religiously and sexually. If she was religious when you met her and still did things now shes changed her mind, that seems strange to me.

 

Your twenty. Its not matter of whether your grown up enough or not its a matter of what makes you happy in life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I might be being bitter and twisted here, but is she really hot on you two getting married? Is this possibly a weapon to get you to marry her? I dont mean to be nasty Im just asking.

 

I understand how this could be construed as that... however I don't believe this is the case. I would sincerely hope this is not the case. Ha we can talk about marriage to each other, and we joke about marrying one another, but we both see that if we were to be married right now, it would probably not last a week. =)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Growing up fast enough is not the issue... i think if she is a strict evangelical type christian, simply not swearing will not be enough to her... she will be insisting that you go to church and are 'saved' etc. or she will never let you rest.

 

religious differences become huge when you have children and one person wants to raise them as devout christians and the other doesn't care... a source of constant conflict.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it's only been a few months, and this is how you're feeling..you two arne't going to last regardless. It's already a problem a few months in...how can you even imagine its going to last a year..two years..three years...

 

Why tie yourself to this, to her? You shouldn't have to grow up and force yourself to settle down, a good relationship wouldn't make you do that..a good healthy relationship allows you to be yourself and lets yourself be who you are because you are compatible. Why tie yourself to someone at 20, and be miserable and frustrated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I sincerely hate the fact that all of these replies are right. Haha =)

 

I think deep down, both her and I understand that we are not going to last. She is waiting for me to "convert", and while I am not against finding myself in a religion, I am against deciding my religion based on someone else.

 

I am sure this won't change any of your opinions, but the fact that I see this girl every single day makes a big difference. If I were to just call her and break up with her right now, I would see her twice more before the day was done because of prior obligations we have with each other. I know that should carry little weight in what I decide with her, I just guess I am trying to justify not breaking up with her right now.

 

To further justify it... I am happy with her. She does make me smile. And this really is the only aspect of our relationship that struggles. Before we had this sex issue, everything was in its place. And it still is. But we just have this one issue. So do I date her and jerk it all the time until one day, something gives? Or... idk. Its a very hard situation to be in. =/

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think its going to eventually take a toll to the point where you have no choice but to part ways.

Anger and resentement will boil over into other areas of your relationship. She may no longer make you happy, or make you smile because deep down she ISN'T everything you want, and thats the bottom line. She isn't meeting ALL your needs, and thats where either people find it with someone else [cheating] or you just go your separate ways because you can't stand it.

 

Things are still peachy and rosy because its only been a few months..but this frustration will only escalate unless the two of you can meet a middle ground where you are both happy and satisifed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are both young, and you both have growing to do. Be careful not to put her on some pedestal.

 

Personally, I don't find it all that "grown-up" to all of a sudden change the rules in a relationship without even considering or talking through with the one you are with what that is going to mean and how it works for both people. To go from engaging in sexual activity when first together (even if it isn't vaginal penetration) to up and switching it to "nothing at all, but you and I will sleep in the same bed together and you just got to live with it".

 

That seems like a huge power play to me, to be frank, and totally ridiculous. There isn't even communication about sex now - and that's not good.

 

I think she is hiding behind her religion instead of coming out with how she personally feels and needs. That's just my opinion. It sounds like a cop out.

I think it is atrocious to use a line like "religious epiphany" to up and pull a fast one on a partner.

 

It has nothing to do with religion - that particular behavior and choice of hers in how she has handled this.

 

I think if someone shows you early that they are comfortable and find it acceptable to behave in such a way early on, that is clue enough that it will only continue and probably get worse as the issues you confront together as a couple get bigger and more important (as they do).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah, the classic bait & switch. Time to dump her. This is no different from when women taper off the sex when they feel they've got you locked in.

 

You'd be surprised how willing she is to fulfill your needs when you make it clear you're breaking things off because you're not putting up with it any more. I wouldn't be surprised if sex is suddenly on the table.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, if she loves you and you love her then explain to her that nothing should get in the way of that.Sex is a natural thing and if god didnt want us to do it until we were married then he would have done something about it, and it even says in bible"love never fails" and this has to do with your love and if this is such a big deal in you guys breaking up then bring that exact quote up.Tell her that it is a natural thing.Dogs do it and they dont have to be married, and if she is gunna let even god get in the way of your realtionship them she isnt following one of the biggest rules in the bible.And if all this fails then ether you settle down and have a family, or you break it off for good.Im sorry, tough chocies

Good luck and hope this helps!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To add with what jordg1 said, you should explain to her that the term marriage is defined by a government contract. People can be married (loving, caring, committed, faithful) without being "married" (signing a government contract with the state for nothing more than to get tax breaks, please relatives that believe a false view of Christianity, or it's a shotgun wedding).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys all have helped me quite a bit. I really do appreciate it.

 

I realize this issue has little to do with sex/romance... however it has to do with this situation so I guess I will keep in in here..? Hope thats all good!

 

I feel weird just cutting things off with her now... because we have been so good lately. It is just this one thing that gets me in slumps from time to time. Is this enough to just outright break it off? Or should I stick with it, have fun and be happy with her, until something else pushes us over the edge?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't agree with your girlfriends view, however, she absolutely has a right to have them. I think it was wise of her to realize that oral sex, IS SEX and that it conflicts with her moral views.

 

I think you want everything, and that isn't fair to your girlfriend. You want a woman with such values and morals, until it conflicts with your sexual gratification. If you really respected her stance, then you wouldn't pressure her to do things she is uncomfortable with. I think she has been attempting to compromise her values to please you, and then regrets it later.

 

I'm surprised she hasn't broken up with you, you obviously don't share her values and beliefs.

 

You sound very immature, and that's OK, you are very young, but start becoming mature and make a decision based on what you know is the right thing to do...pressuring someone to change their beliefs to suit you is not the right thing to do...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may sound a little harsh but I dont think you love her as much as you love the idea of her. You describe her as being exactly what you WOULD look for in a wife. Maybe she would be the perfect wife for you in a couple years but I think maybe she came into your life too soon to actually be the ideal person for you to be with. Here's what it comes down to: you have sexual needs. If you aren't getting them fulfilled by her I have the feeling youre going to need to go elsewhere to get some. Maybe that arrangement is cool with her since she flipped directions on you? Either way the relationship isnt going to last in my opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is kind of like saying, everything is great except he wants to live in Tokyo and I want to live in the U.S. Or everything is perfect except for the fact that he's a drug addict.

 

You have to look at the totality of the relationship, and everything it does (or doesn't) give you and how important it is to you.

 

And frankly, a strict Christian trying to get serious in someone who doesn't believe in it is a huge difference, as is having sex before marriage vs. not having sex before marriage.

 

So everything isn't great, or you wouldn't have those two huge differences. I think you really enjoy her and have fun with her etc., but if there are major differences in opinions or habits, you can't ignore them forever.

 

So i think when you do break up with her, tell her the truth, that she's a devout christian and you just don't believe it and don't think you will in future, and you're not willing to live without sex until marriage, and are not willing to convert to her religion just because she hopes you will. Those things are the big elephants in the living room you've both been ignoring.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...