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How important is making out in your relationship?


Jonathan.
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I just want to see what the average response is.

 

And if you wish I need help with a problem:

 

I've been dating a wonderful girl for almost three months now. We are both in our early 20's and are going to separate colleges. It's a semi long distance relationship (we both live an hour away from each other) Since we have been going out we have not been apart for more than 2 days at a time or four days a week. We have a ton of stuff in common and get along really well. She is my first real girlfriend (I have gone out with a few other girls but things never really worked out due to the fact that I lived far away from them and didn't have a car) I am her fifth boyfriend and she thinks I am 'the one'. The only problem I have with our relationship is that we have only made out maybe five times since we started dating. After 3 weeks of dating we started dry humping, which was cool at first but I was more interested in making out. When I mentioned this to her she said that "making out might lead to something" Huh? Here we were dry humping, and she is saying that making out might lead to something? That left me confused. I talked to her again about it a week later and she said that she does not like making out. I was disappointed and it annoyed me for another week till I saw her, when I asked her again and she said she didn't really know how to make out. Bingo I found the problem But alas when I mentioned we should just try it she said no

I figured I would give her space and not mention making out and just let it happen naturally. So eventually after two weeks and no making out I asked her about it again and we made out for a little while and it was amazing, then she said "Okay we made out, now you can stop complaining about us not making out" Wow I was not expecting to hear that. I complained a little bit and she started to make out with me again and it was amazing. Then I left her house so she could go to bed. We made out maybe four more times over a month and a half, but not for more that a few minutes. Fast forward to the beginning of March. I was tired of not making out and as a result of not making out I felt a lack of passion in the relationship. So I started to think that I should break up with her and thinking about that made me feel good. Two weeks go by and I have lost some interest in her, she didn't look as attractive to me like she use to. Last weekend when I was visiting her for the weekend I was making plans to break up with her. Then out of nowhere she started to make out with me and I started to feel that loving feeling coming back. When I left her I was confused about my feelings for her. Then she decided to come up and see me for St. Patrick's day, my feelings were still in limbo, but I felt my feelings for her coming back. She stayed the night and in the morning I told her that I almost broke up with her, she was saddened by the news and she started to act more affectionate. When I mentioned the making out issue and she said "We are taking it slow". But I don't know if I can take it slow anymore, I still love her, but I don't feel any passion between us.

 

So I need help in figuring out how to talk to her about this. I don't want to give her an ultimatum by telling her we need to make out more or I will break up with her, because I know she would start making out with me so as to not lose me. But that would not make me happy if she was doing it just to please me, I want her to want to make out too.

 

Any help will be appreciated

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She has had 5 boyfriends and is only in her early twenties. Do you know what happened with those relationships? Is she still holding a torch for one of her ex's. Has she slept with those guys and got burned so now she is afraid to do anything? I think the key is to find out what has turned her off of making out with you because I would hazard a guess that if she has had 5 boyfriends already she has not been sitting on her hands. Either she is still in love with one of her ex's despite her claims that you are the one (if you were really the one she would want the physical closeness, not necessarily sex but certainly kissing and holding each other), or something happened with one of them that made her skittish about getting too intimate with another guy.

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what are her ideas on sex? is she a virgin? does she associate sex with any religious views? what is she afraid is going to ''happen''? after 3 months...you have a right to know these things. maybe she's just scared.

 

personally...i'd wonder about a lack of passion at this stage of the relationship...but different people put different emphasis on such things.

do you feel you want more?

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I don't think you really are into her, you just want that connection that comes with making out and are hoping that will build into something else. It's not a good basis for getting together with someone in a relationship, IMO.

 

As for me, to answer your first question, I really enjoy it if the timing is right and the guy turns me on. It becomes a chore when the spark is gone, though, or if the guy and you have no chemistry.

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I can see why you feel like there is an important physical connection missing in your relationship. I wonder what the main reason is for her not wanting to make out. I mean, she said she didn't really know how, but you are her 5th boyfriend so one would think she's had plenty of chances... unless she was too embarrassed to do it much with any of them in fear that they might realize she didn't know how. But even when you don't know how... half the fun is in practice!

 

How much experience do you have in the kissing department? There really are good kissers & bad kissers, & the bad kissers are not much fun! I knew one guy that was really bad about practically swallowing my mouth. I didn't like the entire area outside of my lips covered in his saliva... eck. Then the ones that shove their tongue down your throat... it's unpleasant. Even that same guy, 2 years later still did not know how to kiss! (we weren't dating; he was gone for 2 years so I didn't have the opportunity to "inform" him)

 

I guess what I'm beating around the bush at here is... maybe you're a bad kisser? Not to make you self-conscious of it, but it could be a possibility, and a very fixable one at that. Ask her if she's not totally into your "style" of kissing & if you could do anything different that she would like better.

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Neither of us has had sex, she wants to wait until marriage to have sex because her religion (and my own religion) says sex before marriage is a sin (though I don't really care that it's considered a sin), we cuddle a lot, and kiss a lot about 7 or more times a day when we are with each other, thought she never seems to want to kiss me right away when ever we see each other after having been apart. Yes I do want to feel more passion. Her first relationship was with an older guy by about 3 years, the second guy was just interested in sex and the one after that wasn't right for her. She was engaged about a year ago to her last boyfriend, but she realized he wasn't right for her and she was too young to get married.

 

I'm really into her, We were both attracted to each other for 4 months before she asked me out on a date over Christmas break. We also have the same group of friends (though we rarely saw each other before going out, so I met her right before she went off to college this past fall.

 

I have in total about 2 and a half months of kissing experience, though she says I'm a good kisser. We tried using our tongues when kissing, but she didn't like it (and no I did not try to stick it down her throat.) She doesn't like wet kisses, so I make sure my lips are just moist enough when we kiss.

 

I also forgot to add that we have been sleeping in bed together since we started going out, since there is no other place for her to stay when she comes to see me.

 

Also she initiates dry humping about 3 times a week for the past two months.

She has no problem helping me 'get off' after dry humping.

 

Another thing that has bothered me is that one of her friends is happily engaged and when ever we are on a group date with them she tries to imitate what they do, like if they are tickling each other, she tickles me, or if they are holding each other a certain way she will hold me the same way.

 

Wow, it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest, thanks for the help

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It'd be interesting to see why her other relationships failed. Unless they were really shallow, short relationships.

 

It seems she's not comfortable with herself or with being in a relationship. Maybe she doesn't trust herself to stop herself when things get heated.

 

I know sometimes I find myself not wanting to make out because it gets him going and thats not the impression I want to give, even when I say its just kissing, I know he's getting very turned on.

 

It just sounds like she's new to being in a relationship, exploring new territory, finding her boundaries, learning about herself, self control, etc.

 

 

I think its going to require time and more EFFICIENT communication. Almost like gaining her trust and showing her that making out can just be making out..but from the sounds of it..being physical is new territory for her..and if thats the case..just give it time and let the relationship grow and let her get comfortable.

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Another thing that has bothered me is that one of her friends is happily engaged and when ever we are on a group date with them she tries to imitate what they do, like if they are tickling each other, she tickles me, or if they are holding each other a certain way she will hold me the same way.

 

 

Maybe she sees them do it & thinks "Oh, that's what we're supposed to do" or "That looks cute, we should do that". People naturally imitate each other, though they don't usually do it like monkeys & mirror someone at the exact moment they are doing it!

 

How about your breath? She probably wouldn't want to offend you & admit you have bad breath if you asked (if you do). Try brushing your teeth shortly before she comes over, or chewing some minty gum & seeing if she feels more up to making out then.

 

I'm not trying to find ways to say it is your fault that she doesn't want to make out with you. Just trying to think of possibilities that you can personally do to help the problem, rather than just assuming "yep, guess she just doesn't like kissing".

 

And you know, when I first tried tongue kissing as a teen, I did not like it at first. I thought it was kinda gross, actually. It takes time to learn how & to enjoy it.

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I make sure to chew gum, and always brush my teeth with minty toothpaste when we sleep next to each other.

 

I don't think you are trying to find ways to say it is my fault. Though if you were to find something I said that makes it look like my fault please tell me I won't get offended, if there is something that I need to change about myself, then I am willing to do it as long as I don't lose myself in the process.

 

I'm planning on asking her point blank why she does not want to make out with me tonight, I'm just tired from all the guessing.

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I make sure to chew gum, and always brush my teeth with minty toothpaste when we sleep next to each other.

 

I don't think you are trying to find ways to say it is my fault. Though if you were to find something I said that makes it look like my fault please tell me I won't get offended, if there is something that I need to change about myself, then I am willing to do it as long as I don't lose myself in the process.

 

I'm planning on asking her point blank why she does not want to make out with me tonight, I'm just tired from all the guessing.

 

No, I haven't found anything to indicate that it is your fault. I have a tendency to call people out so if I had, you would've known it by now! People tend to get a bit offensive here when they say "why is my partner doing xxx which I don't like" & I say "well, maybe it is because you are doing xxx".. and they get a bit defensive. So yeah, I just didn't want to imply that it is your fault when I'm really just throwing out ideas.

 

When you ask her tonight, try not to say it in a way that will make her defensive, or make her think you are trying to say "make out with me or I'll dump you!" I'm really starting to think that she either doesn't enjoy it because, like when I first did it, thought it was kind of unpleasant. Or, because she is afraid it will lead to going further than she wants. You may be dry humping, but she knows that your clothes stay on when you do that & it doesn't go further. It seems like when you see tv & movies, people are always making out right before they start removing each other's clothes, so she thinks that might happen when you guys do it. Maybe as time passes & she sees that you guys don't end up going further when you make out, she will get more comfortable doing it.

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i think it comes down to sex. you mentioned earlier that she was afraid that making out might lead to something else. obviously she has clear boundaries on this subject. you understand that she's saving herself for marriage...but does she understand that you know this? might be worth discussing with her.

are you willing to wait? it takes serious committment from both parties to restrain sexual urges.

 

is there a chance that she's confused about her own feelings? she might be feeling guilty about having desires. desire shouldn't be cause for guilt. human's are programmed to procreate.

 

communication.

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Though she said making out might lead to something, I think that was the fastest excuse she could come up with. I mean she has no problem with us dry humping with only our underwear on, so that can't be the current reason why she doesn't want to make out. I was actually the first one to tell her that sex is a sin out of marriage(according to her religion) and I have even told her I respect her decision to wait, and that I would never pressure her into having sex. She says she wishes it wasn't a sin to have sex, because she does want to have sex.

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I'd try to make out when she doesn't expect it and make it more of an interesting experience, but that's just me. Do you always try to kiss her at the same time, like in the car before you say goodnight or something? Or in the house/bed?

 

Maybe making out with her in a place where you can't have sex would make her more comfortable.

 

It's probably one of those two. I don't think you're in the friend-zone, given the amount of time you spend together, though maybe that's the problem. Maybe you need to give her a chance to miss you a little bit.

 

There's a lot it could be, but my guess is that the making out just isn't appealing enough because its not exotic.

 

Spend a little less time with her to increase the tension she feels when you are around, and try to kiss her when she's not expecting it (within good taste, however). That's what I would try.

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Yeah, I think we do need to spend a little time apart, I think instead of seeing her in the middle of the week this week, I will just see her on the weekend.

 

We do kiss at the same time, though 70-90% of the time she is the one to initiate the kissing.

 

We are defiantly not in the friend zone, she's already talking about getting married in the future.

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