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How bizarre is it that he can accept oral but not intercourse?


blackgnat

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Was with my FWB last night and we were hanging out and having fun.

 

When it came to the sex part, he said he couldn't have sex. BJs would be okay, but that he has come to a point in his life where he just avoids intercourse. (He sees other women) I was practically begging him, but he said he felt too emotionally messed up and stressed with life in general. I told him I wasn't going to do anything to him and we started to get dressed.

 

Then I went ahead and gave him oral (yeah, I know) because I was kind of worried about him and quite honestly, we had been having such a good time and I hated the way we were starting to get hostile towards each other.

 

When we were done, he went on to say that he has not talked to anyone else about this, but he's scared of how he's been feeling lately. That he is losing interest in everything. Doesn't care about people. Wants to isolate himself , just going to work and coming home. Can't love anyone and is getting worried about that. He said he has to have an emotional connection in order to have sex. This is from the guy who tells me things he can't tell others and says that he and I have an enormous amount of trust between each other. This is also reflected in our sexual behavior-he is quite repressed sexually and is totally free with me.

 

I stayed another hour or two and we were getting along just fine. When I got home, I started to feel really sad. I texted him and said how disappointed I was that we hadn't had sex and I questioned the idea that he lacks the emotional connection with me (we've known each other for 8 years) and also that I was sick of giving to him and that he wasn't being honest because he only wanted to take.

 

I know that there are a LOT of things wrong with this situation, but I want to know what people think. My main question is:

 

Is his thought process really weird? I really feel quite worried about his mental state right now and want to help him. But how normal is it for a guy to actively NOT want intercourse? To accept oral but to prefer talking to women rather than having sex with them? (he told me that this is a real problem for him, at least for the last year)

 

And please-I care about him a lot but I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I am somewhat emotionally unavailable myself. I know about the pitfalls of FWB relationships, so I am not at a point where I "want more" and don't understand why he doesn't.

 

And he has no problem physically with me, though he has said that he often doesn't even get hard with other women, because he knows they're going to want sexual intercourse and he knows he's not going to be able to perform...

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Are his thought processes weird. No, not really. It sounds to me like he could be losing interest in casual sex and changing the way he views sex. Nothing weird about that. FWBs don't last forever. You may have known him for 8 years and he may be confiding in you but how much of what he is telling you is true? Maybe he is interested in someone else and is phasing you out. Maybe he is depressed and just needs an orgasm...a blowjob will do. Not all guys want intercourse especially if they are going through a re-evaluation of their life. Casual sex is empty sex even if it is with someone you have been friends with...in other words, without the solid loving, emotional connection that happens between a couple in love it is just physical gratification and perhaps he is feeling the emptiness and futility of it all and re-evaluating his priorities. Perhaps it is time to end the benefits part of this FWB and just stick to friendship.

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Did you know that the number one reason men say they visit hookers is because they like blowjobs and their wives/girlfriends won't do it, so they go to a hooker to get it?

 

Look, this guy is playing you. He is NOT sexually repressed if he is seeing several women and agreeing to be FWBs with them. Sexually repressed people just don't have sex period.

 

He's perfectly content to stick his penis in your mouth and get a blowjob. I would say that most likely the real issue is that he really like blowjobs, and since you're not his girlfriend, he won't even put in the effort to have sex with you if he can get a blowjob for free.

 

He's treating you like a free hooker. Don't fall for it. If he can't agree to pleasure both him AND you and only wants blowjobs, then he's using you, plain and simple.

 

The rest is just a smokescreen to get you to agree to give him the blowjob. For all you know one of these other women he's seeing is his real girlfriend, and he feels guilty having sex with you, but doesn't quite consider it cheating to just get a blowjob. Lots of men are like that, which is why hookers stay in business.

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Lot's of guys won't take a pregnancy risk with women they're not in love with. He sounds a bit depressive and self-indulgent, but believe it or not, the more you cater to someone like that, the less inclined they are to help themselves. Just read some rock star biographies and consider how useful groupies who put out empty sex were to depressive overly-inflated egos. Adding misguided social worker services to that 'helps' them become more depressed, not less.

 

I'd honestly find another hobby.

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BSBH I totally respect your opinion and take stock in what you say. You are so right in your opinions.

 

The "sexually repressed" comment comes from the fact that he was brought up in a very religious culture and finds it hard to express his desires. I totally accept that he is seeing other women, but I do believe that he is kinky. Thus, most women that he hooks up with (respectable) are NOT me (willing to experiment) and are not willing to go for the things he likes, but knows would not be accepted in his culture.

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When we were done, he went on to say that he has not talked to anyone else about this, but he's scared of how he's been feeling lately. That he is losing interest in everything. Doesn't care about people. Wants to isolate himself , just going to work and coming home. Can't love anyone and is getting worried about that. He said he has to have an emotional connection in order to have sex. This is from the guy who tells me things he can't tell others and says that he and I have an enormous amount of trust between each other. This is also reflected in our sexual behavior-he is quite repressed sexually and is totally free with me.

He's depressed. It's not a personal problem, it's a biological imbalance that many people have. Convince him to tell a doctor how he feels and get him on antidepressants. There are side effects, but he'll feel like himself in weeks. He'll stop being and feeling isolated and will get his sexual appetite back.

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But he obviously still has a sexual appetite if he wants blow jobs! This doesn't sound like depression to me, it sounds like he's either really screwed up sexually, or he just wants a free blow job that he doesn't have to reciprocate.

 

There's just not much in this for you... He's supposed to be a sex buddy, but the only person getting sex is him, the the only thing you're getting is to listen to him whine about his problems while giving him a blow job!

 

Doesn't sound the least bit rewarding to me... If he calls you, tell him to find someone he does want to have sex with, but you're done.

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Thanks to all who commented-you all seem to understand this situation.

 

So...why don't I? Or rather, what the hell is wrong with ME that I went ahead and did that, knowing what I know?

 

How do I get my self esteem back? I feel like I have lost my pride and that he has no respect for me.

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Thanks to all who commented-you all seem to understand this situation.

 

So...why don't I? Or rather, what the hell is wrong with ME that I went ahead and did that, knowing what I know?

 

How do I get my self esteem back? I feel like I have lost my pride and that he has no respect for me.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, it's counter-productive, and it's like kicking yourself when you're down instead of tending to yourself in a loving way and congratulating yourself for a hard lesson learned. Look how brave you are for your honest post and being open instead of defensive to learning from other people. That's light-years ahead of most people.

 

Lots of women do this kind of thing, in fact there's even a psyche term for it called 'playing the savior,' and it's not reserved for women. It's like working the prince side of most fairytales, believing that if you offer your object (your crush) sexual favors or good cooking or mind masturbation or something else you think he'll value because he can't get it anywhere else the way you can deliver it, he will be beholden to you for your 'rescue' and fall madly in love with you and you'll live happily ever after.

 

It's not always conscious, so you don't have to agree that your agenda went that deep. But the point is, it's so common you're in great company, only you've just learned how to ID this while most people keep repeating the pattern over a lifetime.

 

So give yourself your credit, and don't assign your self-esteem over to some guy's ego. It's called 'self' esteem for a reason--not BF esteem or lover esteem or whatever. So it's yours, and you get to take full control of it from this point forward.

 

And for heaven's sake, don't concern yourself with how much or how little HE respects you when the whole point of learning all of this is to minimize his importance and move forward with your own love life.

 

In your corner.

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Catfeeder, that was an amazing response-thank you SO much!

 

Reading it gave me a lot of strength-you have no idea how much you have helped me.

 

Playing the savior sounds JUST like what I have been doing-I will look into it and see if there are any "cures"...

 

Thanks for being non-judgmental-that means a lot to me right now.

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Yes, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone wants love and attention and physical affection and sex, but sometimes you get confused about what are appropriate vehicles to get it.

 

Also, something what starts as a good thing (or looks like a good thing) can over time degenerate into something that is no longer good for you. So you start out with high hopes, then a little at a time it turns into something that wasn't what you expected. If you have a history with a person, it is very hard to just say, dude, that's sick and you're using me. We're taught to be polite and sympathetic and nuturing and to avoid confrontation etc., especially as women.

 

But just learn how to turn on your self protective radar, and recognize that it is OK to think of what you need and to refuse and get out of any situation that isn't to your benefit. It's not rude to evaluate a situation like that and recognize that he's not your partner, it's not your job to pleasure him, that sex should involve sharing and not be a one way street etc.

 

In other words, you have to think of it a little bit you don't have to buy everything someone else is selling just because they want you to buy it. Be discriminating in what you buy in order to protect yourself. This guy isn't offering anything you want to buy, so don't! Thank him politely if he calls again, but say, i'm sorry, i'm just not interested in doing that and need to find someone who wants to date me and have real sex with me. Then you're done and if he doesn't like it, that's his problem.

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BSBH thank you so much. I am overwhelmed by your intelligent and sensitive response.

 

It's amazing to me that someone in this world can see something so ugly (my dysfunctional situation) and offer a calm, rational and nonjudgmental way of looking at things.

 

I think the bottom line is that I have outgrown whatever it was that excited and ignited me, yet I am still clinging to the idea that I can revive it.

 

Ouch.

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One of the hardest things in life is letting go of things/people we are/were fond of at one time that have dwindled into something else entirely... everyone wants to return to the source of sweetness they found, even when it is long gone...

 

witness the getting back together part of this board where people are just fanatically clinging to the idea that an ex will be back, even while describing horrendous behavior on the ex's part, or clear evidence that the ex is long gone and wants nothing to do with them.

 

but when you have that moment when you really realize what you have is no longer sweet, and it won't be coming back, then you begin your healing. You will usually feel a very strong bittersweet sadness at that point, but it is freeing and that is when you really start to let go and move on, to your own benefit.

 

So the way to healing here is to acknowledge it was good for a while, but life constantly changes, and relationships are subject to change in different directions, good or bad, just like anything else in life.

 

Best of luck, and don't be hard on yourself. You've learned something, and need to give yourself permission to grow and change and pursue things that are to your advantage rather than hanging onto something that isn't.

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I dont think it is bizarre at all, if a guy happens to prefer oral as opposed to sex then his choice makes sense. I have done this plenty of times during periods when I was single, its not a knock on the girl at all. Vaginal intercourse gets involving the risk factors are too much if I am just going to be having sex with a person and not being in a relationship with them. At that point oral sex is my preference.

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