Long... but input would be great.

[sm0kez]

Hi. I'm Tonya. Another messed up fool, writing some kind of essay as usual.

 

This is looong and can be complicated. So I guess read Part 1 if you don't like long reads. ALSO can I specify that telling me to "move on" is a bit redundant. I'm aware I have to get on with my life, but respect that I'm really looking for hope or at least ideas on salvaging whatever I can. This guy means the world to me. So if you read it, you're a true angel.

 

PART 1 Basically, guy friend [24] liked me [23] for two and a half years, basically gaming buddies and confidants, always "clicked". I started liking him back two years into it, and we decided to give a relationship a go. Before that could happen he's been deported to china [stuck living with his parents] and needs a job/money to get back into the UK. He lives ten minutes away from me when in the UK but I always refused meeting until he'd already been deported, I worried it'd jynx it, and wasn't 100% sure I reciprocated because he was REALLY into me. Things went well for the first couple of months; we gamed together, eventually talked lots about more intimate stuff and I was even interested in learning Cantonese rather than Mandarin. He's seemed increasingly irritable since being there though. Lots of drama happened, somewhat my insecurity/expectations but also his stubbornness and lack of communication skills, as well as his general superiority/hypocrisy traits. I'm not kidding, he is the embodiment of stubborn.

 

Note: This was always long distance, but we talked a LOT and over a long time "in each other's pocket's", as well as on Skype/etc lots. He was always all over me these past 2 years, but I didn't feel the same. We'd stay up talking on the phone until 5-8am sometimes, even occasionally before I liked him back, routinely once I did. He asked me to come visit him in Hong Kong lots of times, stuff like that, but you get the picture. We became closer than "just friends" in September, but he was deported. Guess he got under my skin, and I was already well under his. He was almost obsessed with me for a long time, but... I was so casual in the early days, and more so during friendship years.

 

To cut a long story short, in mid-December he got stressed from my nitpicking/overreactions/etc, he basically needed space. HE claimed I'd put him back on headache meds ( * * * ). So I respected the space thing, despite not understanding. One of our "talks" on New Years, he said I should "make myself vulnerable", and "be less guarded", yet at the same time he said I was "too serious too soon". He said it takes two to tango and he can't match my pace, but I don't think I said/did anything he didn't! o.O

 

We were gaming/Skyping/etc again up until late Jan'. Another little fight ruined that. He became distant again, despite a couple of days a week after that where we Skype/cam'd and he was all over me some more. Then another little argument days later, more him being distant. Feeling ignored one day before Valentines, I emailed him semi-drunkenly, pouring my heart out about my frustrations [on top of blog rants he may have seen]. It didn't go down well; he claimed those messages only repel people, and how he's already said about distance and that I can't expect him to want to "jump into something like what we were before" the space ordeal (basically repeating his explanation from December, at least he's consistent -.-). We talked a few times after this, albeit casual crud. Our last talk turned into an argument, he was so irritable. -_-

 

After this, he started giving me the silent treatment (well, neither of us spoke)... for a month. Why? - my MSN said that he'd deleted me (I asked about it, he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenie, and he said "So what now?"). So yes. I messaged him on the 19th March, sick of not knowing what's up. He soon replied...

 

He said that it wasn't one huge pull, it was a massive list of little things. He compared it all to a rubber band, saying how with no time to recover from the little fights and general problems that elastic band snapped. Said that he knows he tried hard because I put him back on his headache medication (just in December, presumably), (yeah, like taking up smoking again, stress and change in diet can't possibly be the reason. -_-) He ALSO said that no matter what he does it won't help, and "What can I do? And what can be done? I don't know".

 

So all in all he's deleted me on MSN [not blocked - he's online 24/7, thought seems AFK lately] His Facebook display pics are oddly blank, when he bothers changing them (probably about twice), one a box of charges that's on his MSN, and another a " * * * * you" loveheart.

 

Anyway. After his above reply, he deleted me on Skype. -__- However he's not [yet] deleted me anywhere else, FB, MS, YT, etc. So I guess what I'm asking is, well I'm not entirely sure... I really miss him. After over two years of not caring much about him except as a casual friend, he became a lot more. I feel so silly for letting myself feel that way again after the last heartbreak. Am I wrong to hope that when he gets back home that things might get better? Is space really make or break? He's really hurt me, though. I must be mad for not hating him. -_-

 

I'm guessing... I just give him space, or at least don't contact him at all, which I know would be dumb. Guess it's his place to talk. Plus what could I say to how he's been acting since February. -__-? I just don't understand why he's become so angry and everything. I don't want to lose him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART 2: Extended version... [more details]

He helped me through rough times with an "ex", who perpetually let me down, ran off and hurt me. Anyway I was well over my "ex" before I started liking this guy. So we said got serious, but it was still long distance because he was deported to China before we got to make anything happen. He needs money to come home. Sooo, late October and November we were good, we even sent each other stuff. We've always really enjoyed each other's company, despite having our own friends and such, we'd made plans to do things together once he's home. Even with him being 8 hours ahead of me over in Hong Kong, he would sometimes stay up until like 9pm my time just to talk, 'cause over here we'd be up until 5am some nights. December went bad...

 

Sidenote: He's managed to break down a lot of barriers I'd put up since the last guy. But I've got issues.

1. I tend to get paranoid, read into things and all that stuff. One of those girls, I'm afraid.

2. I apparently give off mixed messages. Getting back from my December surgery I said to him "I may have missed you", and he was like "You either did or you didn't" in an amused way, but eventually he was irked: "ugh. you can't expect me to get your mixed messages if you think we're something" then came massive revealing of his frustration, pressure "inteference" from a mutual friend and the fact he was put on old headache meds. He blamed that on me.

3. For some reason I failed at starting conversations, like I'm guarded or something. I didn't prompt him to get on Skype, or seem capable of approaching issues the right way. Maybe I seem hot and cold, myself. But he certainly became that way.

4. A couple of his comments: "You know if you're going to be someone's gf/bf then you're supposed to make yourself vulnerable so that person can see who you really are." and "Sometimes you say things like I'm gonna take the piss out of you." [no idea * * * he meant]

5. I don't like hearing about his exes, and once he even snapped at me [passive aggressive] because I was talking about my work placement at a nursery for my psychology course, he said "Keep talking about them things so I'll associate talking to you with her Ugh.

Background

• In December I was getting stressed/issue-y. Not sure why. We had a few arguments/misunderstandings surrounding it. He's usually a sweet and friendly guy, really, but it's like I bring out an irritable defensive jerk sometimes or maybe that's the deportation. IMs seemed to cause the miscommunication, despite regularly using Skype.

 

••• Night before my minor surgery [mid Dec], I ran off without saying bye or anything. Why? Because I thought he was ignoring me to talk to his friends [stupid, I know, he was helping a friend with his business]. Insecurities left from the last guy, I guess. It must have effected him because when I got back days later, he said I'd helped put him back on his old headache meds. I think I got paranoid because when he stopped calling me "babe" after a few previous arguments, or when I thought he was ignoring me [which he's pointed out a few times, frustrates him] which all stemmed from more miscommunication [thanks MSN -_-]. I just get so possessive, ahead of myself. He already said in early relationship that he was hesitant about me because virgins usually get clingy or something so he usually runs off from them. Saying that, I did nothing he didn't do! Then again maybe my doing the same was a bad move, clingy.

 

• He said he "needed space" so I gave it, albeit with hiccups at first, which made me seem even clingier x_x. This happened at Christmas, he did briefly talk to me every so many days and I let him initiate conversation. He did the whole happy Christmas thing and we chatted. His FB statuses were odd, like "wonder if it will happen again this year" [two years running he got ditched on New Years day], and my paranoia wondered if he was really referring to me... obviously he must have been. -_- On New Years he mentioned the ring I sent him [he sent me one, too, non-marriage btw] He said that his friend's psychic mother [ * * * ] said "That's really nice, the girl who gave you that must really like you." and went on to describe me physically, and said that I was in pain. Not sure if he was using her as a cover for himself.

 

• In Jan we talked more, his irritability still mildly there. To help matters, I sent him a short letter in mid Jan with some things, nice, non-whiny. A sort of "I understand and I'm sorry" note. It did help. He seemed to like it but he really didn't respond to points I hoped he would. Silly of me to expect anything.

 

• We got really friendly again in January [maybe too soon?] and spent more and more time together like before, but I seemed to become demanding again, overreactions, etc. He pulled away at the end of January after a fight, one he began. See, I was stressed about Uni and he wanted me to download some online private server game so we could play together. Anyway I it came to this: "I know. I'm not stupid" -me, to something he kept pestering about... He replied, "If you're going to take your stress out on me, watch for the backlash" even though HE always takes his stress out on me. x_X So past issues were brought up, and finally he said, "If I were to be whoever I am instead of a nicer person as to who you'd like me to be with your 'feedbacks', I don't think anything will go far." and he went offline. -_- The irony here is he's the one saying I should be less opinionated, and basically to not try helping. We didn't talk for 6 days until I spoke to him first.

 

• A week later we were on track again. Then ANOTHER little argument on MSN [as always]. This time ending a bit like "I didn't mean it like that, but ok" - me. "ok" -him.

 

• So! Next day his Facebook status read "afk for a few days, back soon". When he got back, he didn't say anything to me, just poked me back [we perpetually do that] and was posting YouTube links on there. I get upset over things like that... admittedly I'm a bit clingy, or rather I take it as a personal snub. -_- That's when I sent the drunk-ish email...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

PART 3 [End bit]

Know what there's just so much stuff... few people read these things, with all the will in the world.

 

1) It was a drunk email but it did make sense, apparently not to him though. I pointed out how I didn't like the fact that if we're not "proper gf/bf" yet [his words] until he gets back to the UK, why is it he keeps wanting phone sex, and WHY does he act so hot and cold, like... our arguments seem more toxic to him than to me. He seems defensive, like I'm trying to change him? =/ I'd already not responded to his last attempt at the phone sex thing, the last time on cam. I wonder if it irked/confused him, because I'd been fine with it despite us not being "proper" until he's back home.

 

2) Email was bad idea. I yet again initiated talk [stupid, I know]. He said "messages like that only repel people", because what can anyone do to messages like that where he wondered what I was trying to say. [i suspect think in late January he may have seen a mild rant at him on my VF journal, but they weren't harsh ones, more like " * * * is going ON?"] I'm stupid for doing that stuff, I know. Maybe it really does throw people off? He might have meant that by "feedback" in his earlier "watch for backlash" outburst.

 

3) Mid-February: MSN Plus says I'm not on his MSN, I ask what's up [panicked when he was offline and typed "=/"] and he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenshot of it and he said "So what now?" and I replied "Nothing. Was looking to see if someone still had me on their list and noticed it said you don't." and he didn't reply... Then came the month of silence. Really didn't expect this from him, so things really must have built up, worse than I thought. ^ Reading all that I seem really clingy and overreaction kinda thing. ugh.

 

4) Him deleting my old MSNs did it. I emailed him asking what was going on, saying how unlike him this was, etc. ... He replied saying it wasn't one giant thing, it was little things over all this time that finally nudged him to this, and he doesn't know what he can do or what can be done, that "that rubber band snapped". -_- So I noticed then he'd deleted me from Skype after sending it. Feels like he really hates me to be that vindictive. Certainly wasn't so he didn't have to see my name, maybe more symbolic?

 

This is messing me up, I feel like I'm gonna explode. It's only since distance/relationship/drama that things got rough… I dunno which made it worse.

 

I really like him. I want to be with him when he's back, we click so well but just seem to have such different communication styles and issues since distance/relationship. [Me Libra, he Scorpio, if you're into starsigns] In short... I want him back, but more than that I want him to want us back. I just, want the guy I've known these years, the happy, funny and optimistic guy... not this angry person who's crept in somewhere along the time of us being "together" and yet "apart".

 

======================

Add-ons

About communication issues. He said once on MSN how he thinks I'm "too quick to react" a bit before our December fallout. (He was angry I reacted to his bad mood, and said I have no tolerance of his issues/moods while he has to tolerate mine, like when I'm too angry to speak to him). We've even had an MSN fight once about his real (chinese) name, and something he said made me think he was saying I'm not chinese so I can't ever say his name. He made me feel like I wasn't fit to say his name (his saying "I only respond to certain people calling me it") ... I even used the word "xenophobe" and I have no idea why. *is an idiot* ¬_¬

 

I forgot to mention is that my "ex" got in touch with me having reappeared on a website I use (which I saw him on, and panicked about, which annoyed my guy). I told my guy I'd not reply, as he's always said there's no point and he didn't get why I reacted at all if I'm over him, and "don't give him ammo" and such. I did reply to the "ex" sometime around Valentines day, a few times, but didn't tell my guy this. To be honest I only replied because I was so frustrated, and I thought somehow "If I can talk to this guy after what he put me through, maybe I can learn something about myself and fix these problems with my guy". Foolishly I put a status on FB about it... just that I'd "faced a monster", talked to a friend on this status about how lame said ex still was. ... This is around the time of mine and my guy's last conversation on MSN, I think the silent day after, before I saw he'd deleted me on there. I wonder if my contacting the Ex did damage, if maybe he thinks I'm not over my ex. He never mentioned details about his exes (I forget the reason but something about it being destructive), and since he was there for me throughout my "ex" and that trainwreck of a "relationship" he also knew of my issues left over from that. I always got the impression he thought I expected him to be like the ex...

 

Something else I forgot to mention. Sometimes he'd say things like "What are you thinking?". He said it several times in our first phone talks after New Years. I said "nothing" or something random, not really what I was thinking or feeling. x.x I just didn't think it was a good idea to talk about those things so soon after he'd needed space. Now it's such a mess... as is obvious -.- I just want it fixed but I can't do anything, and I miss him so much it's crazy, and I feel so alone and stupid for being like this about everything while he isn't doing anything... although his facebook display picture(s) are a bit odd since his first blanking me mid-Feb.

[HouseKitten]

Long story

 

My big impression from all of that is that although you guys might have had a chance in person, the distance is making both of you a little crazy. I am a little like yourself, I freak out at small things, overthink every little thing. I think the worst thing is, it seems like he's the same sort of person, so you don't calm each other down.

 

Some of his behaviour is so petty, deleting you from msn and skype? So.... he's trying to say he doesn't want to talk to you? But he keeps you on facebook etc so you're not completely cut off... in case you want to get in touch maybe?

 

He sounds poisonous. Some of his behaviour might come from resentment, if he liked you for a long time and you didn't reciprocate then he probably hasn't forgotten that.

 

Is there any chance that he'll be coming back to live nearer you? If not.... maybe you should have a proper break from him? It sounds like you're fairly wrapped up in each other but with the distance thats not easy to manage. Maybe you should have a break from him, not NC neccesarily but date other people?

 

I guess you don't know till you try it but both me and my ex found after we broke up, we couldn't imagine seeing other people but now we've both tried it, we feel a lot better about things - discovering you can have a good time with someone else can be a massive eye-opener and give you some perspective on your other areas.

 

Just my opinion whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you sounds like a really difficult relationship to maintain, I can't imagine.

[sm0kez]

Thank you, everything you said makes sense. Yes, he is somewhat the same, but because of his easy-going nature he doesn't let on, it comes out later in his irritibility or bursts of truth where I think "Oh... so now you're telling me."

 

That's what I thought about his deleting me. It was cruel though, especially the Skype thing because at least on MSN I'm not blocked but that really was salt in the wound. I also wondered about that resentment thing before, but it's hard for me to understand since I've never been in his situation.

 

Yes he should be returning here, he says he lives a ten minutes away from me but at the moment he's stuck in china and as far as I know he hasn't yet gotten a job to raise money to get back. I definitely won't approach him, and somedays I keep him blocked on MSN because some angry part of me thinks why should I let myself be so available for him to see if he decides to re-add me, and such. (seems almost as petty as him now I think about it)

 

Maybe he'll see other people, I wouldn't know if he were, and there's nothing I can do but hope he'll miss me through that. Way before I liked him back, he mentioned a girl who liked him, "Yeah she's alright, but she's not you." so I just have to hope that I got under his skin as much as he has mine. Me, I won't be dating, it's not something I want to do. If something good develops from a friendship then that's one thing.

 

I really miss him. 95% of the time I can keep my head high and just sort of block the frustration/fear/etc though distractions, the other 5% it's agony thinking that it could really be over for good. Never realised just how much he means to me, which sounds so pathetic when I put it that way but it's true. I wish he wasn't so angry and such.

[HouseKitten]

The resentment thing - I can see where he might be coming from there cos I had a lot of resentment that I carried around for my ex when we first got together, because I liked him for about a year before we got serious and he was happy to fool around with me but he often told me he was still in love with his ex and he put her first a lot. It's easy to say you forgive someone and of course his past feelings didn't mean he loved me less when we were together but you never forget how much someone hurt you, even when its unintentional.

 

If he were really bothered about getting home to see you, he should get a job. Perhaps he likes the fact that after two years of you having the power over him (even if you didn't want or encourage it) he now has the power over your situation, cutting you off in areas of communication and controlling whether or not you can see each other. All of this might not be a conscious thought but part of him might feel better that he has a degree of control over you that he didn't have before.

 

I'd say don't restrict yourself you don't have to throw yourself onto dating sites and singles nights, but be open to other men around you, other possibilities, and if something happens then just enjoy it and see how it makes you feel. If you decide seeing other people just makes you miss him more then ah well, at least you know, OR you might meet someone great who makes you feel good about yourself, not guilty and unsure. It's not like you have to tell this guy every time another man smiles at you or flirts with you - he's the one cutting off your communication so why should you keep him fully informed? If he wants to be part of your life then he's not exactly making it clear.

[sm0kez]

Thank you. Wow I didn't think resentment like that would overshadow liking someone lots. Good points there. o.o

 

I have hurt him in the past, he liked me lots and I hated it, but liked him as a person. Heck one time over a year ago before we were together, we had an argument and I block/deleted him for a few months because he said something like "Methinks that's why boy left" after describing my argument style/persistence. But when we got close again I was a bit verbally abusive (very jokingly, but that stuff sinks in), probably defensive because of the last guy. I changed that for him

 

Jobs are tough to come by right now over there. He's had interviews, but I'm not sure what's happening right now. Think it all irritates him that he's "behind" from his peers, career-wise.

 

Today I'm really down. Some people haven't been informative or supportive as others like yourself, they make me feel stupid for liking someone who I've not met in person, and describe both me and him as immature. Like they think just because I don't meet guys in bars or whatever that supposedly makes me psychotic, and the amount I write (k it's a lot) means I'm obsessive and need a shrink. -_- The amount of time and talking me and this guy have done is more than some "face-to-face" couples. I mean we'd stay up until like 5am, even 7am, just talking. He's 8 hours ahead of me right now and up until we stopped talking with all this drama, he'd sometimes stay up until 9pm or 10pm my time. =/

 

So... it's understandable I don't want to lose him. He means so much to me, and I hate how things are right now. ugh. Maybe I have lost him. -_-

[HouseKitten]

Well, maybe you should just send him mail telling him how much he means to you, that you don't want to lose him but you can't carry on with all this who's-blocked-who and arguments. Everyone fights from time to time but it shouldn't drag on so much.

 

Just lay it out, tell him you want to have a mature relationship with him where you can discuss your feelings with each other and not be worried that he'll cut off your contact, and make it clear you care about him a lot and want things to change so you can be better together, not driving each other away.

 

Yeah, some people are always going to look on and say 'don't be crazy, it'll never work', I remember that feeling like I said I waited a year for my ex to stop messing me around and although we broke up recently, we had three great years together and we're still very close friends. No one can tell you who to fall for or whether your relationship is worth it. If you feel you want to pursue this then what anyone else thinks doesn't come into it

[sm0kez]

I don't think I should or could message him. So far that stuff only "repels" him, as he said himself, and I'm done putting myself out there for him when this is his reaction. It's frustrating me at present not knowing what his "massive list of little things" (that made the so-called band snap) consists of. Maybe I really was too clingy or seemed insecure. Maybe long distance was just too confusing... but I really miss him.

 

It ticks me off that he removed me from Skype... something about that (and msn) just seems final or petty. Both maybe. I wish I understood why he did that, but hasn't blocked or removed me anywhere else else.

 

I dunno, I guess my questions and missing him is just getting me down. I wish he wanted to talk to me, sort things... instead it's like this.

[HouseKitten]

I know how you feel - it sounds to me like his silly 'list' and deleting you from parts of his life but not others are ways of controlling the relationship and how you can get in touch with him.

 

Sure everyone has things they don't like so much about their partner but the way he's built this 'list of things' up bothers me. Telling you stuff like that and deleting you from things like skype, where it's obvious he's done it, just sounds so petty to me. He should be trying to work through things with you, not making life harder.

 

Do you want to keep trying to get through to him? It sounds to me like you're the one doing all the worrying and making the effort to stay in touch, but what has he done recently to make this relationship worthwhile for you?

[sm0kez]

He could have easily blocked me on Skype, but I think a "?" symbol means I'm deleted which seems more like permanence, and it seems cruel since it was right after his last response (detailed in my main post). -.-

 

I don't think he's got an actual list as such. The "massive list of little things" was something he said in his last reply, that "it wasn't one big pull". I guess the fact he's not trying to work things out maybe means he doesn't care or something but only he knows that... hard to believe it with things as they are.

 

We were doing alright up until recently, the fight late Jan drugged up a few past issues from December which seemed to put a dent in things. Early Feb we were back Skyping and on cam again and he was just as into me as ever, until that little fallout the following night and then me sending a stupid hearty email. Wish I hadn't sent that. (He said messages like that "repel" people, and he's already said distance is an issue, and he doesn't want to suddenly jump back into something like we were before.

 

One thing (kinda embarrassing >.>) is that he and I were sometimes "intimate" over the phone, even after December drama, but that time in Feb I didn't respond to him, just left him to it... and in fact in my email I mentioned why: because if we weren't "proper" then it seemed wrong doing that. But maybe it was silly given that wasn't an issue for me previously. I wondered if it irked or confused him, too.

 

I don't want to give up because we're good together without all this recent drama, the distance doesn't help with new relationships, but I know I can't do anything with him shunning me. It's all so unexpected because we had so much planned and were so close... he's just closed up.

 

sorry that was long. I'm just so frustrated. x.x

[HouseKitten]

It's a bit tricky when he won't even communicate with you properly personally I think he's wrong that that kind of email repels people - more likely he just doesn't like having to read about your feelings because I'd imagine they don't cast him in a very good light!

 

How long has it been since you last spoke to him now? I think maybe you should go no-contact for a while and cool off, give him some space to think about how he's behaved with you. If he's just deleting or blocking you for attention and a reaction then it stops him getting the reaction he wants, and if he truly doesn't want to be in contact for a while then at least you'll be on the same page.

[sm0kez]

Yeah it's odd that in the early days of our relationship, he was the one trying to communicate in the "deeper" sense and I was still a bit closed off. I think it's maybe different for guys, though. You could well be right about the effect the email had on him, though, I just re-read what I sent. Turns out it probably didn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

It's been one and a half months since we were talking terms, and just a week since the email I sent and his response. He only deleted me on skype after I emailed him last week, though he'd removed my older MSNs a night or so before that.

 

Thank you. I won't be contacting him, not when he doesn't seem interested in talking to me. It's so difficult being like this, wondering and wishing like a total idiot.

[HouseKitten]

It's difficult, I think you're doing the right thing though you've tried to talk to him and explain how you feel and he's gone as far as to say your efforts actually repel him!

 

I hope either he grows up a bit and realises he needs to make more effort for you, or you manage to move on and meet someone who you can have an easier relationship with

[sm0kez]

Thank you for your help.

 

I'm wondering if I should keep him blocked on MSN or something, 'cause I'm available whenever he might feel like it (if he'd re-add me via privacy list) and it feels silly given the fact he's deleted me. x.x god he's being so weird.

[HouseKitten]

If he was already blocked then you might as well keep him that way

 

It sounds like he has many various ways of getting hold of you. If he can't see you on msn, there are other ways he can get in touch if he decides he wants to make the first move, and if I'm right msn doesn't tell you if you're blocked does it? So as far as he knows, you're just not signed in

 

Don't think about it too much. Just make the decision not to contact him for a while and then stick to it if you obsess over making sure the lines of communication are wide and clear for him then you'll just drive yourself mad.

[HouseKitten]

If he was already blocked then you might as well keep him that way

 

It sounds like he has many various ways of getting hold of you. If he can't see you on msn, there are other ways he can get in touch if he decides he wants to make the first move, and if I'm right msn doesn't tell you if you're blocked does it? So as far as he knows, you're just not signed in

 

Don't think about it too much. Just make the decision not to contact him for a while and then stick to it if you obsess over making sure the lines of communication are wide and clear for him then you'll just drive yourself mad.

[sm0kez]

I've left him unblocked, and no I don't think he would be able to tell unless there's something about MSN I don't know. I'm still so confused as to why he hasn't deleted me anywhere else. I just don't know what he wants or thinks, worse it's like he's not even trying to help matters. He's just closed off from me. his display pictures are also odd, but that might be me looking into things.

 

Having a ranty frustrated night sorry. I do hate emotions at times like this.

[HouseKitten]

Yeah it sounds pretty frustrating, trying to guess what he's thinking and whether stuff like his pictures or things he says 'mean something'.

 

Try not to think into things too much, it's real easy to start dissecting everything you can to find the hidden meanings or some sign that he likes you/doesn't like you. But you know the big easy sign there'd be that he wants to actually make an effort to work things out with you would be if he got in touch and actually talked to you, instead of shutting you out and playing games with all this blocked/not blocked stuff.

 

Keep busy and don't dwell on him too much, if you can

[sm0kez]

Thank you.

 

This is also frustrating me. His last email reply (to my asking what was going on) in full (I'll not leave this up for too long >.>):

lets just say it wasnt just a few things that happened shortly before the last few days we spoke on msn. it's definitely a massive list of little things and various stuff that no matter what i do, it wont help... them last few days were just the last few nudges to tip the scale. sometimes i think of situations like this as a rubber band, you stretch it and keep stretching it... it's gonna snap... and it's not from one big sudden pull either... this happened slowly but surely it finally did... maybe it happened so slow you didnt even know what was happening... i wont bother saying anymore stuff from here because well... what can i really do? and what can be done? i dont even know.

 

i know i've tried because the n***n pills were enough to show me i was trying... hard...

sometimes i think it's just a whole test to see how much i can handle... with little to no recovery time, that said rubber band gave in.

 

Just seemed pretty mean and final, no? Although I did outline it in my original post. I guess it doesn't change anything, and I am trying to do other things to keep my mind off of it, hard as that is.

[HouseKitten]

Just seemed pretty mean and final, no? Although I did outline it in my original post. I guess it doesn't change anything, and I am trying to do other things to keep my mind off of it, hard as that is.

 

Yeah it sounds pretty mean all I get from that is that he built up a list of 'little things' and then blamed the breakdown of your relationship on them. And it sounds like, from his 'I know I've tried' line that he's trying to shift blame for all those things onto you. But since it sounds like most of these 'little things' were a surprise to you (and he hasn't even told you what they are?), why hadn't he brought them up when they were an issue, not stored them and built resentment around them?

 

If he had problems with things you were doing or with the relationship, the mature thing to do would have been to bring them up, discuss them and work something out. Instead it sounds like he's created basically a list of cons in his head about you two, and instead of trying to fix them by talking about them with you, he's used them as a reason to mess you around and create drama.

 

I know you have strong feelings for him but I really don't like the way he's handling any of this, he comes accross as childish and manipulative.

 

Hope you're doing okay with keeping your mind off him. Obviously not entirely or you wouldn't be here but like everything, it gets easier with time.

[sm0kez]

I agree, he's not handled any of it well and I'm angry with him for doing what he's doing. Well... "done". It's typical of him to let things build up, though. He likes playing the victim in situations, it's just what he does. ;( Even his statuses and stuff seem a tiny bit "dark" or moody. He hasn't been himself since being over there.

 

Maybe he's done with it all, though. I just don't know. Seems like a lot of history and things shared between us to just give up on, especially with everything he's said and all the awesome times we've had. Guess he has a lot of things going on and isn't settled yet, but he's really let me down. Not much I can do unless he contacts me. Distractions are good but I just get these moments where I miss him so much it's crazy. I wish he missed me that much that he'd communicate.

 

Thank you for all your help. It's good getting an unbiased view on the situation to help clear my head.

[HouseKitten]

No worries

 

Yeah I still miss my ex sometimes as well, and we've been split up for months now. When you have history of course there's all these good times you're going to remember and dwell on. The more time goes by though the less you'll think about him. I could hardly go an hour without thinking about my ex and wondering what he was doing and who he was with, and I broke up with him! Now I don't think about him half as much, and when I do its more neutral and less 'omg what happened to us?'

 

Eventually it'll get easier, all you can do is get on with your life if he gets in touch then it'll be something to think about, but you can just cross that bridge when you come to it

[sm0kez]

Sorry to bump this.

 

Well, he finally got in touch, mid-September, on a site I use regularly which he only signed up to last year because I use it. Not sure why he chose it. He'd actually logged in a few months before that but said nothing.

His first line was a link to something we're both fans of.

Second said how I should have known he would talk to me again hence not deleting me on friend lists. The last was a simple explanation for the silence, saying how he had needed a lot more space than before (xmas) and couldn't see things working out between us if we kept going as we were, and if I wanted to talk then I knew how to find him, if not then he would disappear if that's what I want.

 

He'd been talking to me regularly these past couple of weeks, pretty much every day. I thought things looked alright. He was showing me vids of him at work, not even particularly interesting ones. Seems more sadistic somehow...

 

I did confront him a couple days ago, only after he was so kind as to let me see he was in a new relationship over there through his Facebook picture and relationship status.

 

Convo...

 

Me: why did you start talking to me again?

Him: because it was not my intention to completely blank you out forever

Him: was i not supposed to talk to you again? i'll ask you this again like i did when i talked to you again this time... do you want me to disappear?

Me: No I don't, but you showed up saying "talk if you want" instead of saying what you want

Him: eh?

Me: "if you're still good to talk" and "I'll just disappear if that's what you want"

Him: i asked if it's a good time to talk because your msn name says 'god i am so sick of everyone'

Me: put simply without poetic crud, you left things for 6 months and now you return which great, but I find out you're seeing someone through FB

Him: if you're being hostile to me. it's also not my intention to make things worse. so if you want me to go. i'll make it easy

Me: I'm not trying to be hostile

Me: and I've said several times I don't want you to go

Him: so if you dont want me to disappear, please dont be hostile. i find it quite aggressive and i'm also not here to wave the gf card infront of you to rub it in

Him: i just thought you could understand that i want someone close to me physically as well... i've had my fair share of long distances and with me not knowing how long i'd take to get back to england... you'll be waiting indefinately and it wont be fair on you too

Me: sec

Me: it's ironic that the day you stopped talking to me I got my passport application really

Me: but hey. If I weren't such a sucker for feelings. but not much to be done if that's how you feel, and if you felt the same you'd not be with her. I know this

Him: i dont know what you want me to say, you werent up for meeting up all that time. you didnt even have a passport or it expired or whatever... didnt tell me anything about that

Me: I know how I was being at the time. 6 months gives you time to realise crud

Him: so why are you saying if that's how you feel you'd not be with her?

Me: I meant if you felt strong as I did you'd not be with her, but I suppose 6 months of silence should have given me a clue. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. not your problem

Me: just would have been nice to have been told that. or gotten better closure if you lost interest

Him: sec

Him: well i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking. you should know too but you ended up pushing me away. what was i supposed to do or think?

Him: and those 6months ago, if we spoke of anything related to me and you, it mostly ended up with arguments or some sort of bollocks

Me: I know how I was acting.

Him: so why do you keep saying if i felt strong or whatever i wont be with her?

Me: What I mean (try without my usual bs since I'm too held back I suppose) is that when you feel strongly for someone, or at least when I do, other people don't come close to that feeling

Me: but hold on a sec. Didn't get what you meant in your "wwell i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking."

Me: and I've apologised before for pushing you away. putting my heart out on my sleeve here, perhaps a bit ghey-ly, I needed to see someone 'cause of past stuff.

Him: i've told you for over a year i liked you and if you dont think that was strong enough without getting **** all

Him: what is?

Me: No I follow that, what I'm asking if the part about six months talking. Are you saying you still feel that way?

Me: and FTR: I know those ranty things I did were retarded as hell. x_x

Him: no i dont feel like i did before sorry. not something you want to know i can understand but you should also know i'm the type that once i've made my mind up i'm sticking to it

Him: spoken to some of my friends... she told me after all this time i've given myself and you enough chances to work things out but it really didnt to be fair

Me: How could it with the distance? **** we got a bad deal.

Him: and if you're telling me about the whole passport thing now, i dont know if it's a wise idea to take that risk. for both of us... what if we did get together when you came to visit and then broke up after? you'd be in a new world of messed up and what about me? i dont think i'd be in the position to say i feel good about dropping someone in an emotional rollercoaster 5k+ miles away from home

Me: I'd not take that risk purely because you're said you don't feel the same now. I guess it's just tough thinking all that chance we had and the deportation thing made things hard for us, and just all that time for me to fall for you and the opposite happened for you.

Me: oh this wine's too good.

Him: dont drink crazy because of me

Him: look... lets be frank... if you're upset about this i can totally understand but i dont wanna see or hear you drinking yourself crazy. i was helping you through when you got hurt by that other kid and i know you didnt go through a nice experience

Him: i'd like to be able to tell myself i'm a nice guy, but i'm not sure if that's the case from your perspective anymore. although if you can accept things didnt work out between us and stay friends i will really appreciate it and i'd also respect your decision if you choose not to because you feel so strong you want me as somebody more than just a friend

Him: afk again

Me: *frank too for a sec* I just often think think nice guys would let someone sit for 6 months like that, then not even talk things out once they decided to get back in touch, or even remotely apologise. I accept things didn't work out, and it's not like I'm keen for you to disappear like that. I don't want you out of my life but those 6 months didn't seem to bother you. Now I'm just dealing with all that stupid feeling and stupid hope and this stupid wine

Him: look if you gave me the time and the chance to say it i would have. just because i didnt bring it up it doesnt mean i didnt think of apologising for disappearing. i really needed that space to go away and relax and cool off. we argued way too often back then... even if i did come back and apologise and tell you everything

Him: how does hi, sorry for not talking for 6months and i'm back now

Him: by the way i have a gf now and i think she's amazing?

Him: how does that sound? i dont wanna rub it in and this is the second time i mentioned her since we spoke

Him: first time was earlier tonight

Him: or this afternoon for you

Me: I'm sorry. I really did fall for you, and we really did get a rough hand deals. I'll say it now since I'm about to do what it's felt like you wanted to do for 6 months or so leaving me in the dark like, because loving someone and watching them love someone else is enough to make people go crazy. Think I already have done hoping on you and exvcusing you for ripping me apart like that. So that's it said. I do love you, as much possible in circumstances, but I don't think you really "get" what you did and how you didn't handle things well yourself. So hearing you make out that you care about me when you treated me that way... and how you think this girl is amazing when you spat on me like that for being in as much difficulty as you with the deportation. Just... I can't handle it. again. Love you, wish things were as they were but I'm not quite able to switch off like that. Maybe I need time. -_-

 

 

After that, I blocked him on MSN (not delete), deleted him on all his Facebook accounts because I do not want to see him and her. Jesus.

His headline on there is something like: "keep yourself occupied while you wait. when it comes, it's worth it."

 

Later on that night his MSN name said "bollocks to it all". He'd removed me on there again, so I suppose that's that. Didn't wait for a response to my long splurge, doubt it'd be anything I want to hear. He's made his choice when he got with someone else. I got so angry at the last things he said, and the whole mixed messages of "strongly" yet he'd made up his mind and the distance... Duh... he'd not be with someone else if he wanted to invest in us. -_- I'm so confused and lost.

 

Obviously now I'm in a state but I am so mad at him for coming back if he's already decided he doesn't want to reconcile. I don't know why he spoke to me. I don't know why the guy I knew for so long suddenly turned into this thing. Today his MSN at work says "patience is virtue" * * * .

 

Feel like such a fool, and still miss him so much but he's obviously done with the idea of us, even if he said he still feels strongly after all these months.

I'm wrecked. Feel sick and angry and hurt and god knows what else. I care about this guy so much, and hoped he'd take the chance to see I've actually dealt with my issues that were causing problems with us before.

[HouseKitten]

Wow big read! It didn't sound much like he really got what you were trying to explain to him, about how you'd felt for all that time he went quiet on you for. And really, that tells you a lot about his self-involvement and his ability to empathise with someone else. You were very hurt but he either really had no understanding on that, or he purposefully acted as though he didn't to avoid having to apologise properly.

 

Hopefully this conversation, once you read it over a few times, will help you see that this was not a good thing to be in. You don't want to be with someone who could treat you like that and then try to deny how you felt about it.

 

You know he's done with this now. It's completely normal to miss him but look at the things he has said to you, and the way he has treated you, and see that he was not someone you're meant to be with. As you said to him, if he felt as strongly about any of this then he wouldn't have got a new girlfriend or behaved the way he has. Move on and find someone who will feel as strongly for you as you do for them