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There's a whole lot of long backstory, but I'll give some of the highlights and then the current situation that brought me here seeking advice.


We dated for 2 years pretty seriously - or atleast I thought it was super serious. He moved midway to goto grad school and it was all with the idea that i'd either join him or we'd continue to date long distance as I went to grad school and we'd eventually end up in the same place.


I traveled extensively for the relationship. Making weekend trips up to his school and such so we can have time together. I was always the dominant personality in the relationship - I actually worked really hard to get him to come out of his shell, stop being passive aggressive, and to really take hold of his life and take control of things. I essentially convinced him to stop being a passer-by in life and to stand up to people.


Ironically, it turns out one of the big things for him in life was to stand up to me. Go figure, eh?


Now i'm not going to pretend I was right. I obviously wasn't - i really did get way too comfortable with being in charge and getting my way and began to abuse that privillage. Then when he started to rock the boat and rebel I went a good bit ballistic and we started fighting all the time.


Flash back to one of our first major dates where we're really deciding we like each other and he's all "I have feelings for you i've never felt before..." and such. He had only dated people briefly, never had a real continuous sexual relationship with anyone, and as I mentioned before had never really had anything major. I sat there and said "Oh, no, don't say that. I can't date you. You're new. You'll come out of your shell and want to party and date and get it all out of your system and then i'm left in the dust. No way, no thanks. Let's just play it by ear, have fun, and work on not hating each other in the future okay?"


I actually gave that bloody speech. He professed he wasn't the party type and that i was vastly more fascinating then the other fish in the sea.


Two years later and though we're fighting I think it's because of the stress of graduate school on him and the stress on me to get into a graduate program. He dumps me. He had planning it and looking for the right time to tell me. Apparently after I had purchased plane tickets for the next to visit him and after I got some folks to switch shifts with me so i could help him drive accross the country the week before to take a summer internship. Right smack dab in the middle of those two events he decides it's time to tell me i'm toast.


It did not go well. We still saw each other for the week i was planning to be there (paid for the hotel and flight already) and we thus proceeded to ignore every no-contact rule known to man. We slept together, we didn't see each other for a few weeks/months but if he was in town we'd end up together. We still fought constantly - on the phone. Knock down drag out wars between us. We both kept answering the phone though.


I decided around 6 months of this bull that after he came down for christmas break (his family lives where i live) that i'd wash my hands of him in some symbolic way or something. Maybe burn some old shirts or photos or something. We argued the whole winter break, hung out, argued, had sex a good bit, argued, yelled, and eventually he went back to his school. We continued to talk - despite my attempts to walk away - and though he'll tell you i called him all the time he certainly answered an awful lot and called me too. A whole big stupid mess.


So i'm dealing with the super-stress of interviewing for my graduate programs and we had agreed to stop being sexual and to just really be friends so we talk about my grad school stuff. I thought things were going ok. I had these weird moments where i was lonely and missed him, but i sort of hated those feelings so i felt like i was getting better or something. (Dear lord, this is like 8 pages and i haven't event gotten to this week's problem yet!)


He calls me recently to say he's switching phone services so he wont be free minutes on my plan anymore and such. I was like "Did you just call me to tell me not to call you?" and he back peddles and such and says he wanted me to know so i wouldn't be surprised on the bill and yadda yadda. He and I had not been fighting recently and really seemingly "just friends" though i still had some issues with myself to work out. I still had a thing for him. This sparked a good couple of days of arguments.


Side note - why exactly would someone argue for days with their ex from over 6 months ago? Oh, that's right, because we didn't abide by the no contact rule. There's proof in the pudding for you kids.


Back to the story, we argue, talk about hurt feelings, about who is not being a real friends, etc.. and eventually when we're not arguing anymore he admits he had tried seeing someone briefly (just a few dates) and it didn't go well at all. That the person told him that they just couldn't give him what he wanted and he felt bad for being completely incompetent at being romantic (his words, not mine).


My response - as i had just been saying i wanted him to get out and date and stop avoiding life - was that hearing that hurt a heck of a lot more then I thought it would. He sort of mildly consoled me, and we kinda left it at that, not really talking about. We both got quiet is the best way to describe the moment.


So he's supposed to come down next week for his spring break. He talked about wanting to hang out. This convo happened about two weeks ago. Since then i really haven't felt compelled to talk to him - we have talked a little bit here and there, but everything has been really superficial. I've really been spending my time with other friends and actually really looking at other guys and checking out my dating possibilities. Heck, i even flirted some here and there.


I don't know what to do about next week when he's here. I kind o don't want to see him when just a few weeks ago i was excited he was coming down so we'd have some time together. In the last few days he's been busy with some conference thing before he comes down here and i tried to give him a call to ask a question - when he'd be down (i was trying to plan things with friends and didn't want to blow him off) - but after he texted me back saying he was busy i never really followed up or tried to get ahold of him again (he texted me the answer to the voicemail later). This seems to be the longest we've gone without speaking to each other.


I'm not sure I care, I don't know what to do, and I don't know if i should even hang out with him or just cut him off completely.


I guess he's not putting in the effort to contact me, and that could just be the conference he's at, but i suspect it's not. I guess i just play it by ear? But what happens if/when he call me during the middle of next week asking to hang out? Or god, what if he doesn't call at all? That evokes feelings of anger and betrayal.


This is really screwed up. Help.

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Decide if you love him and want to be with him if you can fix the problems between you.


Ask him if he loves you and wants to be with you if you can fix the problems between you.


If the answers to those four questions are 'yes' - then work out how to do it. All that is left is to work out the details (which will not be easy but it can be done)

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I'm sure it'll be hard but I think you should avoid contact of any sort.


If it hasn't been working out for the past few months, you'll only make it harder on yourself in the end.


Grad school isn't cheap so just think about how this is distracting you...

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