Friendship-why does it work against getting back together

[kitchty]

It is often argued here at ENA that if you want someone back, you should not be friends with them.

 

Why? Could you discuss or give examples?

 

I understand that if you really want to move on and want more than friendship, then it only hurts you to be friends and hope for more. Makes sense. But well, what about how it affects the chance with reconciliation? Why would being friends make them less likely to come back to you as a lover?

 

Especially someone like me who was dumped because I abused the relationship (I am not going into this any more...please read the first thread I posted on this forum if you want to hear the story...) but let me tell you that I really abused it. It is not like one of those typical 'blaming myself' that dumpees tend to do. Of course my relationship was not perfect, and I pointed out to my ex what he did wrong..and I see that it is not all my fault but it is mostly my fault. I was tearing his life down...while he, all the while, was supporting me and only made my life better...really.

 

So if I abused the relationship, and want to prove myself and regain trust, but can't be friend and should not allowed myself to fall into limbo/gray area/be used, then how do I regain that trust and good feelings if I want to get him back?

 

You know....backing off and doing NC will pretty much produce that "good riddance" feeling, maybe? And then what....

 

Stories of people who abused the relationship and managed to prove themselves to ex and get back together will be appreciated. I know Sparkie's story is up there, just want to hear more.

[longdist]

I'm with you kitchty. I feel like I'm in the same boat about the friendship for similar reasons. I too abused my relationship, and am not just saying/thinking that. It's a fact. I have been NC, mostly from what ENA has told me, but have been giving serious consideration to starting up a friendship. So I don't have any stories, just similar feelings.

[Elsewhere]

so many reasons!

 

* he will have all he needs from you - support, companionship and if only he wants it sex too, cause I doubt you'd be strong enough to resist - all this without commitment so why commit?

* he may start seeing someone else or flirt in front of you - that will ripp your heart and you'll have noone to turn to cause everyone is gonna say: well he is single now he can do whatever he wants

* there will be no time and space for 2 of you to sort things out (I called myself abusive too - now OMG I was so wrong)

 

Friendship MAY work, cause the attraction that was lost has a chance to reemerge - but that's only if you v. strong and the relationship was based on your compatibility. It's very risky cause you may end up wrecked and psyhotic, making an ass of yourself in public. I learned that first hand.

[90_hour_sleep]

there's no right answer to this situation. all you can do is seriously weigh the consequences of your actions should you choose to proceed.

 

time apart can be your best friend though. only with time will you accept defeat...and disconnect yourself from making decisions based solely on emotion. granted...there will always be an element of emotion with a possible reconciliation...but if you give yourself the right amount of time...you'll be in a much better position to see things for what they really are.

 

if you come from a relationship with a strong foundation - ie. compatibility, passion, intimacy, friendship, sharing, etc. - those things aren't going to simply vanish. you not being there isn't going to nullify everything you had together.

 

at least give yourself a chance to reconnect with who you are. you owe it to yourself.

[FriendnorFoe]

But if the main problem was a loss of attraction then perhaps there is hope in starting a friendship. True it might backfire, but some might see it worth the risk to try this. When a friendship is intiated you are less likely to try to be impressing the other unlike if you established just a meet up to see where things go. THe other's defenses are put down in talk of just hanging out and when your true colors shine through your sincerety there is always the possibility of reattraction and having them remember how it was when you first started dating. I know with everything their are negative consequences, but people sometimes need to just believe in something, to seek some means in granting them hope.

[90_hour_sleep]

But if the main problem was a loss of attraction then perhaps there is hope in starting a friendship. True it might backfire, but some might see it worth the risk to try this. When a friendship is intiated you are less likely to try to be impressing the other unlike if you established just a meet up to see where things go. THe other's defenses are put down in talk of just hanging out and when your true colors shine through your sincerety there is always the possibility of reattraction and having them remember how it was when you first started dating. I know with everything their are negative consequences, but people sometimes need to just believe in something, to seek some means in granting them hope.

 

i guess if you're willing to accept the fact that it may never progress beyond friendship.

 

i wonder how common it is become re-attracted to someone.

[Elsewhere]

But if the main problem was a loss of attraction then perhaps there is hope in starting a friendship. True it might backfire, but some might see it worth the risk to try this. When a friendship is intiated you are less likely to try to be impressing the other unlike if you established just a meet up to see where things go. THe other's defenses are put down in talk of just hanging out and when your true colors shine through your sincerety there is always the possibility of reattraction and having them remember how it was when you first started dating. I know with everything their are negative consequences, but people sometimes need to just believe in something, to seek some means in granting them hope.

 

Disagreed! It will be a constant battle to impress, IMO and experience.

[FriendnorFoe]

Disagreed! It will be a constant battle to impress, IMO and experience.

 

Perhaps, but everyones relationship is unique and diffrent despite the similarities too. I am not telling anyone to do anything merely saying what didnt work out for one person might for the other, never give up hope but be realistic aswell

[longdist]

so many reasons!

 

* he will have all he needs from you - support, companionship and if only he wants it sex too, cause I doubt you'd be strong enough to resist - all this without commitment so why commit?

My ex got this from one of her friends, who she is now dating (not sure about the sex, but I don't want ot think abou * * * )

so many reasons!

* he may start seeing someone else or flirt in front of you - that will ripp your heart and you'll have noone to turn to cause everyone is gonna say: well he is single now he can do whatever he wants

Too late. My heart was already thrown to the ground. I guess I'm at an emotional stage, where I think I can work through this issue and still be friends. Anything that is actually happening with them can not be worse than what I have already imagined.

so many reasons!

* there will be no time and space for 2 of you to sort things out (I called myself abusive too - now OMG I was so wrong)

I feel like sorting things out will not help in my situation because I abused the relationship. I did this to the point where my ex lost her love for me. I am not wrong about this. I have had 3 months to think about it.

 

I think you do need to reach a emotional stage where you can handle being friends without the emotional outbursts, such as begging for them back. At the same time I don't think you ever get over someone to the point where you don't consider them in a romantic way at all anymore. I think that is impossible after 2 people have dated a long time. It would be nice if there was a way to let them sort things out (NC) after you have the friendship to show them you aren't who you were.

[90_hour_sleep]

of course...anything's possible. the romanitc feelings may never be returned by her though.

 

be careful.

[longdist]

Does anyone have stories and suggestions for the friend route other than staying light hearted and fun? Can you still make someone miss you by keeping the contact minimal, while still increasing your ex's view of you by showing that you are a better person?

[rapunzel]

Does anyone have stories and suggestions for the friend route other than staying light hearted and fun? Can you still make someone miss you by keeping the contact minimal, while still increasing your ex's view of you by showing that you are a better person?

 

My opinion is no, you can't make someone miss you by keeping the contact minimal. You can make someone miss you by disappearing and doing full no contact, but there are no guarantees that it will make them come back.

 

You also cannot change someone's opinion of you. You have no control over other people, their thoughts, their minds. You only have control over you. If you work on doing whatever it is that you think will make you a "better" person, then do it for yourself. The best thing to remember is that you are a "good" person by virtue of being born, by being a human just like everyone else....no one (including your ex) is better or worse than you. You are not your clothes, you are not your friends, you are not your work, you are not your possessions. Once you truly believe this, you will radiate an inner joy and peace... then you will be more attractive to others and you will be a happier person.

 

Never do it to try to impress or influence your ex because in the long run, it won't work. Do it for yourself cuz you are worth it.

[rebelfac]

Longdist good question and I am thinking the same thing.

 

My wife moved in with her boyfriend 4.5 months ago and we are in contact because she still craves my conversation and I would still want her as a friend in my life. She was perfect for 14 years until the emotional affair. I could choose to hate her but would eventually like to get her back a couple of years from now. In the meantime I can date and make many happy from the things I did right and the mistakes I quickly learned from.

 

I can't compete right now with this guy because she wouldn't believe I have changed this quickly and he is new. He is also doing everything right to land her. He has a pool, makes her laugh, cooks for her and showers her with affection. ( affection is a void that I created) I too also think limited contact is better so she could see the changes gradually and perhaps by then the honeymoon phase will end. I need to truly limit it though and decide what the best timeframe for doing it is. She prefers instant message from her work. I will probably do that now once every two weeks instead of twice a week it's happening now and once a month phone instead of once a week.

[Elsewhere]

OMG this is so beautiful and so true!!! Thanks for making this point so clear! It's beautiful and it's the only key to healing!

 

2 months ago I'd agree with all this but still didn't fully understand - I wanted to fix myself overnight for him and thought I did it - NO that was faking it, how can you fix sth you don't understand?

[longdist]

I understand where everyone is coming from in regards to NC and think that most of us can agree to its efficacy to heal. However, I do think some situations warrant a friendship before the possibility of reconciliation. I think it is possible to love yourself and still have interest in keeping the door open between you and your ex. The reason is not to impress your ex, the reasons are because you feel like you need to right your wrongs (for yourself) and open a door that you closed.

 

I guess to get back to the point of the post: Why would the friendship work against getting back together, assuming you have healed yourself and have taken care of your own needs. Are there any responses other than to allow the other person to miss you (b/c if someone damges things in the end, the other person probably won't miss them unless they can revive a positive view of themselves from themselves and from their ex)?

 

It would be nice to hear some stories rather than just comments pointing out the need to heal.... let's assume the healing has occurred.

[Fionnuala]

I think people tend to take a one size fits all sort of approach to this sort of thing, and since being friends can often times lead to more heartache down the road, or being used, or whatever else, that's what everyone tends towards.

 

But I think sometimes people forget that everyone and every relationship is different and what works for one relationship won't necessarily work for another. And I don't think there's any behavior that will guarantee or completely destroy the chances for reconciliation. Sometimes being friends helps, sometimes it hurts. It depends on the people and the situation. I think the main thing to remember is that there is no guarantee, no matter what you do, that a reconciliation will happen, so it's best to make your decisions based on what you think is good for you and what you feel right about. If you feel okay about being friends with your ex and you've healed enough to do it, and you feel like it's the right choice, then do it. Other people can only tell you so much, in the end the decision has to be one you're comfortable with.

[rivercitystein]

I understand that you want to be his friend but do you even know if he is open to this idea of friendship?

[longdist]

You never know until you ask. If you put the option out there for the other person, then what else can you do. If they aren't interested, then you move on and continue NC. I think most dumpers are accepting to being friends, if they believe the dumpee is actually ready.

[strength1]

My suggestion is a bit extreme.

 

I say continue NC until HE calls YOU.

It will happen one day if he has half a heart.

 

Nothing is more attractive than pulling back in the opposite. Showing composure and strength cannot be replaced by anything.

[FriendnorFoe]

being hopeful keeps our hearts and spirits going, being realistic keeps our feet on the ground. we need a little bit of both I think

[Maranello77]

I'm nine months post break-up. We are now separated by a several hour flight, so we certainly don't see each other often. However, we are both involved in each other's lives, remain on a friendly contact basis (phone, text, email, etc), and talk about the relationship every once in a while.

 

I'll be honest - I'm incredibly nervous. I have healed and gained some self-confidence, but there is no way that I can completely get over her and be ready for the dating world without a good long period of NC. Therefore, I perceive great risk. If she one day decides that we aren't going to work out, I think it would be crushing because I've been operating as friends with the hope of reconciliation for nine months. Yet, going NC now and trusting that she'll return merely to fate seems much worse.

 

I'm probably not really addressing the topic, but I'm suggesting for me that I'm remaining friends in hopes of it working out, taking a massive risk along the way. In my situation, after nine months, I firmly believe that if she were over me and the relationship, she would have moved on by now and not wanted to be my friend. I think that in some instances, there may be a "pity friendship" offered by the dumper initially. For me, she says she sees a future and she says she wants me in her life. It's a two way street - you need to do what is right for you, but it also really depends what the other wants as well.