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Can someone help me get my head straight please?


lostalone

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I apologise for the lengthy text but I need some kind of guidance.

My husband died 4 years ago and I met a man 3 years ago. He was introduced to me by my nextdoor neighbour. he said he would help me with finances, taxes etc. He was charming, bought me flowers by the armful, chocolates by the bag and gifts galore. He seemed wonderful. But all that changed - I agreed to marry him and it was a mistake because whatever I said, it was written in stone. No going back. I didnt marry him because he wanted us to buy a house 2/3rds me 1/3rd him because he needed to invest his money. I started to get a wary and decided to back off a little and see what happens so to speak. Anyway to cut it short this wonderful man turned into a brute - he would have terrible tantrums, storm out of the house, break hard when I dropped off in the car so I would wake up with a start. Says it was because he was worried about me sleeping in case of an accident and my neck would get hurt. What did he call that then - jolting me awake? He would keep me awake at night to talk about "us". I had to go to work the next day -he could please himself as he is self employed (financial adviser and worked from home). He would keep ringing me at work and it was difficult because I work for a group of doctors and it was awkward. If I didnt answer he said I was ignoring him. I was under so much pressure. When I got home from work he was on my doorstep. He never gave me space. He didnt like me seeing my friends and he would ring me when I was with them and if i didnt reply he would be in a mood again. I split up with him for a while but foolishly went back for nearly a year. He started calling me a !!!!!!! * * * * * , and lying * * * * * . His face would contort and he would become a different person. One incident was that I didnt hold his hand at the table when my daughter was present. On the way back in the car from dropping her back home he went beserk. Face blood red, a stream of foul language _ I was driving at the time. I couldnt believe that this man had turned into a lunatic. When we got back to my house he grabbed my lapels and pulled me into his face so I slapped it twice. He said "do it again because I wont touch you" he then went into the kitchen and got a knife and said "use it on him". Since then he has bruised my arms and shunted me around the room with his chest (he ripped his shirt off and got another knife) and said the same old thing "use it on him" He has followed me, tracked me, recorded me. Looked at my emails, taken phone numbers off my phone, He listens in to everything. He accused me of having affairs which were not true - I have never been unfaithful to him. I was with him day and night apart from work - so he thought I was going off with one of the doctors during working hours. If I changed my underwear he wanted to know why - what had I been up to! He documents everything too. He always says he is a nice man - and he never gets mad he always gets even.

 

Now that I have left him again for the last time - it was an amicable split - so I thought but he has been texting and phoning and now he has tracked me on the internet - he set himself up on one of these dating sites because he saw my picture on there and he has been giving bogus names and addresses. I had to come off them because he sent me a nasty email accusing me of looking for men. Bearing in mind it was nothing to do with him as we were no longer together - his emails were nasty and hurtful and I cant get his words out of my head. He says it was all my fault and that he was never like that before - he is a nice man. His friends would never believe him if I tld them what he was really like. He is so different when he is in their company. He is so sweet, kind and charming. They dont know he lived off me for months and I always paid my way if not more so. He was going through a divorce when I met him.

 

My question is could I have made him the way he has behaved above, because I said I didnt want to get married or is it that he was always like that and that the "nice" man in the very beginning was just a cover? He said he was never like it before I messed him about. I didnt mess him about, I just wanted space, I felt suffocated I couldnt go to the bathroom without him following me. If I went to the hairdressers and it was a man doing my hair he became nasty again. The thing is he never got nasty straight away he would brew for a few hours before letting go. I really liked him but just couldnt stand not having space. In the end I didnt tell him when I was visiting a friend I just used to say I was going shopping but he found out where I'd been anyway. In the end I just became a nervous wreck. My counsellor says I am suffering from post traumatic stress because of him.

 

Could I have caused him to behave in the way he did - he said I screwed him up because I made promises to him and didnt keep them. I couldnt go through with living with him on a permanent basis - he made me feel ill but I still cared for him that the daftest thing about it. He is around and everytime I see him I fall apart. I cant and will not go back. he is a beast and it hurts think that he is telling people I caused it all. My family hate him because they have seen the way he treated me and he said I was poisoing their minds against him. he wouldnt accept the fact that they had heard and seen some of the things he had done.

 

I want to contact his ex-wife but am concerned that he may do something if he finds out. I need confirmation that it wasnt me and that I am not crazy or mad. Do you think it would be silly of me to contact her or should I just try and get on with life the best way I can. At the moment I feel like I'm dying inside. The counsellor thinks that I didnt have time to grieve for my late husband because this chap came on the scene approx 7 months after his death.

 

Can anyone suggest a way forward for me please. I seem as if I cant get him out of my head and the pain inside is beginning to get too much for me at times. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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I Surgest that you change your email address, phone numbers, move if you have too. If he persists call the police and tell them he is harrasing you and you fear for your life. Because to be honest in that situation I would be fearing for my life. It's a good job you got out because it can only get worse with a man like that.

 

It's not your fault he acted the way he did. if he acts this way it means he's always been capable of it which means how on earth could you have known? YOU are not at fault HE is the one at fault.

 

I'm so sorry for all that you have been though and pray that you stay away from him and never go back!

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Well I'm a widow and firstly I want to say that from his behaviour and the fact that he is going around telling everyone that it is all you leads me to believe that this man sounds like a sociopath/ NPD (BAD NEWS!) and you need to keep far, far away from him. Leave that internet site, close down your email account and keep your head down for a while. Keep a diary and see a solicitor about harassment charges and take out a restraining order if he contacts you again.

 

Secondly I aree with your counsellor, I don't think you had time to grieve and this man sounds like he sniffed out your vulnerability and used it to abuse and control you. I am sickened by what I have read to be honest, sickened.

 

Don't contact his ex-wife, you don't need to. You have your gut feeling and horrible memories to back up what you already know deep inside. If you are afraid of him then definitely don't. Not at this time anyway. You need to look after your mental health and well-being and stay safe.

 

Stick with the counselling, she sounds like she's right on the money to me. You need to grieve your husband and you need time to work through this trauma and this man shouldnt even be in your life. Now or ever.

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Take all email and phone messages to the police and get a restraining order. The guy is a kook, and he could be dangerous to you and your family.

 

For heaven's sake, don't overthink this into something about you; you're the current victim--and there was one or more before you and there will be another one or more after you. The guy is a head case--don't buy into his garbage for another minute.

 

In your corner.

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Of course you're not responsible for him behaving that way! That's probably why he's getting a divorce!!!

 

Honey the man is manipulating you into feeling bad for NOT wanting to be with him. What you have described is downright abusive!!

 

RUN like hell. Change phone numbers. Get a restraining order. Do whatever you have to do.

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Hi Lost and Alone

How can i say this loud enough.....

 

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

 

Please dont put yourself through this torture. Its not your fault, he clearly has issues. Just because he tells you he was never like this before doesnt mean that he wasnt.

You were married before, you know how relationships go.

 

Trust in yourself L&A, this is what abusers do, they make you doubt your judgement.

 

You have done the right thing in getting away, now do what the others have advised, and change your numbers, even go to the police and consider getting an injunction, get friends and family involved by letting them know what is going on.

 

I dont personally think that its just that you didnt have time to grieve, but its more that you met an unfortunate character who was ready to take advantage of the situation that you may be vunerable.

 

The behaviours you have described are not normal. You dont need to ring his ex wife to find out there are problems.

 

If it doesnt feel right to you, then its not right and thats where it ends.

 

We have to accept that some people have issues and they are not of our doing.

I will pm you a link which you may find helpful although you may not be able to access it until you have over 10 posts.

 

Stay strong.

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thank you I know he is not right in the head because I went onto a dating site and he has found me and so far he has visited my profile nearly 4-5 times a day since beginning of March. thank you for replying I cannot access link at moment so if 4 more reply then hopefully I will. Thank you very much

 

L&A

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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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