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Hi all,

 

Just wondering, how many people here are currently in LC with their ex and how are you getting on in with it? in terms of either...

 

Getting back together (is that your aim and is it working out at all?)

 

Getting over them (Is it hindering this or are you still moving forward just fine?)

 

Being friends (Are you cool with just being friends? Deep down do you still feel more than that?)

 

Just curious that's all... I'm in LC with my ex and i let her initiate most of the contact now. I haven't been friendzoned but she does contact me to see how i am etc quite often. I'd like her back as i still love her but i'm getting on with life and i wont turn down any dates should they come my way. (Which is healthy and very important i think)... not that i've got many women knocking my door down!! LOL!!

 

There are alot of threads here on nc but alot less on lc so i thougt i'd see how people get on with it...

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Catfeeder - I'm honest enough to say i agree with nc, and honest enough to admit i haven't been strong enough/man enough or whatever to actually do it... yet. LC (with only her initiating is a move forward for me)

 

fairycakes - were together nearly 4 years, been apart 1 year... yeah i know, should be over her by now. I am in a MUCH better place than i was and have dated others. (was smitten for a bit with someone too) But i know i love her and i dont care what others may say on this, but i do GENUINELY love her and after 4 years it takes more than 1 year to get over real love. If it takes less, then it wasn't real love (just my opinion) Anyone who says i otherwise doesn't know what real love feels like (again, just my opinion)

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I'm doing LC with my ex.

 

I don't know. It's confusing. I don't think it's so great. I don't think we should get back together, because we're too incompatible. But trying to settle into being "just friends" is hard because he says things like...today, we were IM'ing and talking about some stupid TV show we used to watch, and he said he missed watching it with me.

 

Also, I started to tell him about some idea I had. I said "I have an idea"

 

and before I could finish my thought he said:

 

"elope and pretend nothing ever happened?"

 

it threw me off. It's like he still has feelings for me and is letting them slip out, which is just confusing me. He's the one who broke up with me. I don't know what he wants.

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I'm doing LC with my ex.

 

I don't know. It's confusing. I don't think it's so great. I don't think we should get back together, because we're too incompatible. But trying to settle into being "just friends" is hard because he says things like...today, we were IM'ing and talking about some stupid TV show we used to watch, and he said he missed watching it with me.

 

Also, I started to tell him about some idea I had. I said "I have an idea"

 

and before I could finish my thought he said:

 

"elope and pretend nothing ever happened?"

 

it threw me off. It's like he still has feelings for me and is letting them slip out, which is just confusing me. He's the one who broke up with me. I don't know what he wants.

 

I'd probably agree with your analysis. He probably does still have feelings for you. It's just a shame it's never that straight forward. I get the same stuff from my ex, but she's not wanting to commit to me again. Makes it more difficult to cut them off because you believe something is still there.

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I'm in LC with the ex through email and Christmas cards. She's moved on and I have no hope of reconciliation, but my few attempts at dating again have been failures as I'm still fixated on her. We've been in NC for periods of a few years, but that didn't change my feelings, so I just go with the flow of LC as it's nice to know that she's doing well.

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The only way it works is if you are "over" it and don't have any illusions about getting back together. Otherwise, I think LC keeps you hooked emotionally and unable to fully move on to another loving relationship. But everyone's different I suppose....Good luck!

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This is kinda why we haven't seen each other in person or even talked on the phone. It's all been impersonal contact, through IM, email, or texting.

 

I think it would be too gut-wrenching to see him in person.

 

Just this morning he texted me "I miss thinking about you." I don't even know what that means.

 

I agree w/one of the other responders--that it is nice to know he's doing well. But the mixed messages are confusing. All I can do is do my best to move on, which is what I'm doing. I'm seeing a couple of other guys right now and just dating and having fun with my friends.

 

I'd probably agree with your analysis. He probably does still have feelings for you. It's just a shame it's never that straight forward. I get the same stuff from my ex, but she's not wanting to commit to me again. Makes it more difficult to cut them off because you believe something is still there.
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LC is neither helping us be genuine friends, get back together, and it CERTAINLY isn't helping me get over him. It has its good points, sure, but overall, it's like what a previous poster said, ''he broke up with me, and now I don't know what he wants''.

 

It makes for a very confusing situation. Think twice before going into LC.

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For everyone that is doing LC and having trouble emotionally with it... why not switch to NC? It could do 2 things. 1. It "could" finally allow you to heal. 2. It may allow your ex miss the LC and realize they need you back. Either way it seems like a win win if LC isn't working for you. Those are just my thoughts. I plan on doing the reverse NC->LC, for complicated reasons, so I'm not really in the place to talk about going the other direction.

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Thing is, longdist, I think a lot of people here (myself included) are just too proud to go from NC->LC->NC. It's completely understandable I guess, you think you're healed so you initiate contact from your ex,proving to them that you can handle being around them, then you realise you're not ready for it...it sounds arrogant and overdramatic, but let's face it, a lot of people would be very embarrassed to say to an ex ''yeah, I thought I was over you, but I'm not''. Sad but true. I know it's true in my case. Pride is my major personality flaw, and even though LC hurts me at times, I couldn't bring myself to ask for NC....

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Thing is, longdist, I think a lot of people here (myself included) are just too proud to go from NC->LC->NC. It's completely understandable I guess, you think you're healed so you initiate contact from your ex,proving to them that you can handle being around them, then you realise you're not ready for it...it sounds arrogant and overdramatic, but let's face it, a lot of people would be very embarrassed to say to an ex ''yeah, I thought I was over you, but I'm not''. Sad but true. I know it's true in my case. Pride is my major personality flaw, and even though LC hurts me at times, I couldn't bring myself to ask for NC....

 

That's understandable, but who says you have to ask? Sure, telling someone is one option for people feel a need to give an explanation, but you don't need to make it about a broken heart--maybe you're just not feeling like a friend right now. Even easier--some of us just stop picking up the phone.

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Yeah, I think you can go back to NC without hurting your pride. Just stop contacting them. Answer there contacts with less and less regularity. This may get them thinking about you romantically again since they may realize that you aren't at their bidding. Who knows. I almost feel like NC->LC->NC is the way to go b/c LC can show you as a new person and then the new NC can allow them to miss that new person. These are just my thoughts and I certainly can't back them up. I just know this is my basic plan with my ex.

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It took me A LONG TIME to break the habit of contacting my ex. I'd go something like 4 days then wonder what she's doing and call her. Now though, i can go as long as i need to without contacting her, which in my mind at least is progress.... and it also makes her contact me more when i dont.

 

My biggest issue with lc is the utter confusion. My ex will say she misses me, or will call me saying she wants to hear my voice etc... Even if i try not to analyse it, i kinda do.

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Even if i try not to analyse it, i kinda do.

 

Yup, that's the main problem. I always finish contact with my ex telling myself there;s nothing to analyse, but I always find things to analyse. Usually interpreting everything as a sign he wants me back.

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Pace or ace, and TBE--I am in the same boat. I've decided I have to go back to NC.

 

My ex said a bunch of things Friday in a chat about us "eloping and pretending nothing ever happened." Then he texted me 5am Sat. and said "I miss thinking about you." Later he said, some feelings he's been trying to avoid are coming up...

 

Then we had some friendly texts on other topics. Around 11p, he texts me and says he's thinking about leaving L.A.

 

Well, he just signed a lease on a house w/ a bunch of roommates. So I don't know what is going on here. My friend says, he's trying to make you react...as in, begging him not t leave. Well, I didn't do that, but I did say it seems like he's running away from something. Today I started to feel manipulated.

 

I have NO problem telling someone, I still have feelings for you, so I can't keep doing this. I told him as much. I also told him, I don't want to be put in a box like he did with a previous ex--the one who interfered in our rel'ship--to where I am more than a "friend" but not good enough to be a girlfriend.

 

I told him to stop saying things that would give someone false hope that there's ever any chance we could get back together.

 

I feel set back in my healing because of this weekend, and i have to pull away. If he is moving away, he should just GO. Leave me alone and let me move on.

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Kind of in LC. It's weird because up until lately he really wanted to be friends, and had also pretended he was happy. Now I know he is miserable, but he's pushing me away now.

 

It's kind of like we've switched places and I feel very sorry for him. I'm hoping he'll at least let us hang out sometime, we had a very strained friendship until I decided I couldn't do it but that was some time ago.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're maintaining LC with your ex but are open to dating other people! It'd be great if things would work out, but don't wait around in the meantime.

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I was doing LC with my ex, but it didn't work so well.

Had to become NC, because it was just adding too much complication to the healing process that was in motion.

 

Would have loved to have stayed friends, but was impossible as he kept hinting that he wanted more.

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Why do they do that?? Is it just to be manipulative?? Is it because they're confused?

 

He is the one who broke up with ME--told me he knew 100 percent we couldn't be in a relationship.

 

I am bawling my eyes out right now. I can't take it anymore.

 

Would have loved to have stayed friends, but was impossible as he kept hinting that he wanted more.
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I see my ex about once a week when we hang out with friends. It was very weird and difficult at first seeing her flirt with other people. I don't really react or feel the same way to it as I did a month ago.. I think I am slowly becoming desensitized to it all now. We get along fine now with the random awkward moment thrown in the mix every once in awhile. I initiate contact once in awhile but I let her initiate most of the time now. That way I don't get into the habit of checking to see if she is online all the time. I also made a strict rule for myself not to look at her facebook and its helped quite a bit.

 

I'm too busy to date anyone right now but I have noticed myself looking at girls more and letting the thought of dating cross my mind more often which is a good sign.

 

 

 

Why do they do that?? Is it just to be manipulative?? Is it because they're confused?

 

My ex still does random things like hug me from behind and play with my hair occasionally. She could be fishing for some kind of sign that I am still missing her relationship, OR, she could be treating me like any close friend would treat another. I just assume its the latter and move on because its a waste of my time hoping she wants to get back together (awesome advice I got from these forums).

 

I think your ex is looking for an ego boost and a reaction from you. If you tell him you miss him then he wins. He gets to keep his options open while leading you around on a string knowing he can have you whenever he wants. Don't give him the satisfaction! He dumped you.. and to put it bluntly.. screw him cuz you and I both know that you can do better He said he knew with 100% certainty that you 2 couldn't be in a relationship. You really need to drop contact with this guy and move on.

 

I hope you're feeling better now sandrawg.. Its time to stop thinking of him and time to start thinking about yourself!

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Thanks, IBelieve. I just posted a new thread-I know what I need to do. I think I need support to do it, though. I feel weak. I am feeling as hurt and in pain as I did when we first broke up.

 

It will keep happening but over time you'll begin to forget this feeling. You're almost in some ways attached to feeling this sad because it keeps you closer to your ex.

 

Realising you need support is understandable ... we all do. Its not easy to go through this on your own, since being on your own is part of the problem. I have reached out to a lot of friends/ family/ forums to help and am still considering doing counselling (I went as far as to have a psychological evaluation where they diagnosed me as suffering a life crisis as opposed to depression)

 

Good luck.

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At the moment i'm justifying lc to myself 'cos i'm not initiating contact. To me, that makes it easier to do and i'm pleased at how easy it's become. Still, i constantly doubt whether or not i'm on the right path.

 

In my opionion you're not. I'm fan and member of the NC club. I couldn't believe it either but NC is the best way to go. It's hard and takes courage but in the end it leaves your ex where s/he belongs: in the past!

 

Try it! You'll see.

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Yeah, I think sometimes we just have to accept when things are over. It's hard to let go after investing so much time into something and after putting all of your heart into it. After more than a month of NC (1.5 for me), you really start to feel a lot better and start looking at other people as possible new relationships. You start to realize the faults of your ex. The other advantage is that now that you are on good terms with your ex through LC, it is time to go NC and let them miss the person that you are. If they don't, then a relationship never really had a chance of working. Otherwise all they miss is the physical contact, but they can always get that from another person, since they already decided you were not the one for them. I think NC is always the best policy if you are not totally over your ex and on good terms with your ex. You really can't go wrong with it then.

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