KarmicDebt Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 This is my first post so here is some background: When we met she was just at the end of an abusive relationship. We fell in love very quickly, and moved in together within a month. We spent almost every day together (first mistake) and things were hot and heavy for 8 months. I had not dated much since high school, and saw this girl as totally genuine and did not think I would need to play any games. I fell for her big time and became a door mat. I had to put her in check a couple times as I felt her attraction decrease and it worked very well (she is very insecure), but I eventually got tired of this. We were engaged after being together for six months and for the most part, we had a very strong relationship. In mid January, I sensed something was wrong. She was always very affectionate and needed a lot of touching and validation. I noticed the affection was no longer there and she had become quite indifferent. Im pretty sure the major factor was that we were stuck in the house together every day with three boys that do not mind for about a month due to weather conditions. Anyway, she drops the bomb on me ... she wanted to break up. The spark is gone. She said "I love you, but im not in love with you any more". At first I went into NC and did pretty good, but within a week I had made all the common mistakes: begging, trying to make her jealous, arguing, etc. and pushed her away even further. Anyway, fast forward to now ... I immediately started getting my * * * * together. Moved out, started running every day and returned to my old body building regimine from my late teens/early 20s (im 33 now). Within a month, I looked way better. I tried taking her out a couple times, but it was clear, the spark was still not there. I recently met a very beautiful woman at the casino where my ex used to work. She was buying me drinks and we scheduled a date right there at the poker table. Because she used to work there, she found out about it and started quizzing me. I could tell this had a huge impact on her. Well last night she sent me this text message: -------------- I guess I just have realized that I should have never let you go. I still have feelings for u but realize its just too late now. you have someone beautiful now why would u want me back now? I know im a confusing person ... sorry bout that but because of the feelings I still have for u it makes me sad to hear u have feelings for another woman. Best of luck to u and all I can say at this point is im sorry. goodnight. -------------- Im on the fence here. I know she is not playing games, she doesn't do that. One of the things I learned while studying relationships and attraction after this happened is: "Attraction is not a choice". She is an incredible woman (and she is quite beautiful as well). Any tips on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. Im tentatively planning on making her work for it and if I go back, we are going to take it very slow. Thanks in advance for any advice. Link to comment
Lamprey Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Sounds like she's only gotten jealous because you can be seeing someone else. This means that now's the time to take her back - if you want to be with her. Decide that and either take her back or don't. I wouldn't myself; I'd think, "she dumped me once, who's to say she won't get bored again"? but every situation is different. Link to comment
rivercitystein Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Go out on your date and have fun. Do not contact your ex. You say she doesn't play games but the way that text message was worded, I would have to disagree with you. She's trying to get sympathy out of you and make you feel bad. Link to comment
tin_tin Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I had a simmilar text message from my ex a month ago. Broken up 4 months. She had seen pics of me on facebook, she sent a msg to her friend that she was jealous its hurts. Also we happened to bump into eachother twice afterwards. Each time she text me saying i looked good and smart, and said she missed me, and said i know you've moved on, (i havnt) A few days later she text me saying "im sorry your probably seeing someone new now. you dont know what you got until its gone, its true" We got talking again. She asked me if id like to go for a drink. We went for a drink, it went well. One of the questions she asked me, was i seeing anybody. I said no. Chemistry was still there also Now ive hardly heard a peep out of her for 2.5 weeks! So Karmic, did you reply to her? Link to comment
KarmicDebt Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks for the frank feedback rivercitystein, this is exactly what I was hoping for. Here is one reason why I don't think she plays games and rather, drives her decisions from her emotions: When we were living together, I was paying all the bills because she lost her job. She knew she would be up a creek if I left, but she did not want to string me along when she knew she did not love me any more. She knows that if she gets me back, I would not return to that role and would want to take things very slow. Also, we both had a pretty bad case of cabin fever from spending all day together every day, too broke to go anywhere or do anything. There have been signs over the past month that she misses me. It feels like finding out about my date just gave her that extra jolt and was a catalyst for trying to reconcile. That said, I know im probably making excuses for her because my emotions are involved, so I value objective view points very much right now. So if it seems like im not making any sense, please feel free to slap me around and knock some sense into me Link to comment
KarmicDebt Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 So Karmic, did you reply to her? Yes, this is what I wrote: ---------------- Im really not sure what to say. Im pretty tired right now. Im going to get some sleep. We can talk tomorrow. ---------------- I think the worst thing I could do is just run back to her. Im going to make her sweat it out for a while if I do decide to take her back. Any suggestions? Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 There had to be something else behind her breaking up with you. I do not know what it might be, but I doubt she would just up and leave you over cabin fever. At the most, she might want some time to herself, but a break-up is a little extreme. I have to agree with the other posters, she is trying to play games with you. Maybe she's not finding anyone new, or the feelings from the breakup are finally catching up with her, but right now she is trying to guilt you into staying single. Why? It could be for a number of reasons, but I'd guess that she might have felt some power when you were begging and pleading with her to come back, and when you stopped chasing her and worked on yourself, it shocked her into realizing you weren't going to stick around. This might be an attempt to get your attention again. If she didn't love you when she broke up with you, how come her feelings just suddenly reappeared when you started talking to another woman? Either way, you should just disregard her texts and have fun on your date. And I would think about taking your ex back if that is the route you wish to take. If this woman was willing to break up with you over a bout of "cabin fever", what's to say she won't do it again? Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Go out on your date and have fun. Do not contact your ex. You say she doesn't play games but the way that text message was worded, I would have to disagree with you. She's trying to get sympathy out of you and make you feel bad. I tend to agree with River. I say send her down the creek with out a paddle. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 How long have y'all been split up? She may not be missing YOU. You said you have been paying all the bills and helping with her kids, right? Link to comment
KarmicDebt Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 How long have y'all been split up? She may not be missing YOU. You said you have been paying all the bills and helping with her kids, right? About two months. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 About two months. That's a long time to be broke. Does she have income now? Link to comment
KarmicDebt Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Not really, just a part time job and an income tax return. The tone of your message is not hard to understand at all. I think the fact that I was a good provider is one of the many reasons she is kicking herself now but it was very clear that she was willing to deal with financial issues while feeling indifferent toward me. It was clearly the jolt of going on a date that was a catalyst for her change of heart. I guess my question now is if I proceed cautiously and decide that her advances are genuine, should I bother proceeding and if so, how? Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Not really, just a part time job and an income tax return. The tone of your message is not hard to understand at all. I think the fact that I was a good provider is one of the many reasons she is kicking herself now but it was very clear that she was willing to deal with financial issues while feeling indifferent toward me. It was clearly the jolt of going on a date that was a catalyst for her change of heart. I guess my question now is if I proceed cautiously and decide that her advances are genuine, should I bother proceeding and if so, how? I'm sure that you have considered whether her renewed interest may be related to her financial situation. You brought it up after all. I agree that your date may have affected her attitude. WHY it affected her is the question you need the answer to. Jealousy and love don't always go hand in hand. I think proceeding with extreme caution as far as your ex is concerned is a good idea. Be patient and see what happens. Don't get too eager. Link to comment
FriendnorFoe Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I had a similar experience, Their rationality is so hypocritical, drives me insane, not trying to be sexist Link to comment
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