she tossed everything away? i really mean everything..

[peter81969]

Hi everyone,

 

I have joined today & been reading a lot of the posts, so much hurt out there it is incredible. I dont write a real good letter, but here it is.

 

I dont have any way to explain my situation in a short post, so I will say sorry in advance, but would really love to hear from anyone that could explain why my life is so shattered at the moment. To be fair to my wife, who I am still so stupidly in love with, I will do my best to give both sides of the story.

 

I will tell you a little about us first- my wife & I have owned our own business for the past 11 years, we have 2 wonderful, smart healthy kids - 8 y/o & 10 y/o, been together for 11 years, i am 39, she is 28.

 

For the most part, in my eyes we have had a great marriage, admittedly I went off the rails a little about 4 years ago, for whatever reason I dont know, couple business decisions gone wrong ended up making me feel a little depressed & I did not really pick up on it i guess.

 

I played online poker in this time & switched to online golf about 9 months ago, we were doing it a bit tough with a huge mortgage & a lot of other debt. Admittedly, this caused some friction, but when I asked her if she wanted me to delete these games, she would say no, just play less. Now it seems, like everything else, a bigger issue than she stated back then.

 

We decided last year to sell our house in September - my wife told me a week later that she felt that she could not continue in the marriage, as she had lost her feelings for me - I asked her if we could work on things, as I felt that the financial stress was affecting us both - to which she agreed. Bearing in mind that our circumstances were going to remain static until the sale.

It took about 4 months to sell the house - in this time I thought that my wife was really not trying to be romantic, or work on the marriage, she was effectivly blocking me, even though I was telling her how much I loved her, & we were making love as often as usual, it was the little things that she was saying that never made sense that had me worried - that I was actually losing my friend.

 

I offered to move closer to her family, once the house was sold, in order for us to have more free time together, get us back on track & basically get some breathing room. She agreed to this.

The house sold & we moved as planned, we were in the house about 2 weeks when things seemed to just really go downhill, nothing was making sense to me, we were now arguing about silly things that had never been an issue before, please understand that prior to September, we had probably had maybe 6 arguments in our whole 11 years together. We were now arguing 3-4 times a week.

 

At about 10pm one evening in early January my life as I knew it ended, I had gone to sleep early & woke up, walked into the office & found my wife writing an email to another guy - we had an argument & she went to her parents that night, & has not come home since.

 

As it turns out, this email was nothing compared to what was to come, not by a long shot - in all the posts I read on here, I have nothing to compare this to. I basically had the computers analized & monitored , as i wanted to know what the hell was happening with my family, in the meantime, her parents got her set up with housing, furniture & a car - all in a matter of a week.

 

It will take too long to tell the stories behind each thing that came off the computers, but in a nutshell, she had met a lot of people on facebook, & was sending photos of herself to about at least 14 guys, at least 5 of these guys she was talking to in a sexual manner, & at least 2 of them she had booked flights to different states to go & meet them for sex, one in march, the other in april.

 

She is apparently in love with a guy who lives nearly 4,000 klms or 2,600 miles away - she has never met him, but she gets aggresive when I ask questions about him, this same guy suggested they put my kids thru "hypno regression" & mentioned a few times about them maybe having to kidnap the kids & go to Canada, we are in Australia. My wife says he was only joking, but still, I think you can imagine how I feel.

 

I just dont get any of this, my wife was a great person, I always thought of her as an innocent type, not this trashy person I see now, who is webcamming several guys & falling in love with one or more of them, even tho she is playing others - even now, she is going back every second weekend or whenever she can during the week, to where we used to live an hour away, even tho she has all these net boys online as well. Maybe something there too, who knows?

 

The thing that kills me now is, I have convinced myself that she is sick, because I love her so much, & I dont know anymore whether I am just thinking this because I can't handle whats happened - I wish you all knew her, prior to this happening, as I said to her - if this can happen to us, no marriage is safe.

 

In saying all this, she did not take anything from what we had at all, it has all been transferred to me legally now, so our business that we built, (which has residual income for life, 9k per month & thats if we dont work ) our 3 cars, one of which I just sold for 30K, & the furniture - she just gave it away - this is the other reason I think she is not well.

As I said before, I wish you knew her, she was such a sweet girl, was a great mother as well, & I can see so many changes there now, but she is so focused on wrecking everything that is around her - she just cant see it.

 

 

I downloaded an ebook called Womens Infidelity, written by Michelle Langley, this has helped me greatly over the last 2 weeks, & if what it says is true, then look out marriages worldwide.

As a result of this book, I have just started getting out on a few dates now, as I cant sit around this house going crazy anymore, but I still have this empty feeling that just overwhelms me so much of the time, as I am so scared for my kids & I am also scared for my friend, & I call her this because I cant seem to think that she has not had a nervous breakdown or something as horrifying - I cant hate her, even tho I dont agree with whats happened.

 

She has no interest in discussing us anymore, she is so wrapped up in what she is now doing that she cant see me for who I am anymore & honestly, I feel that the kids are starting to get the same deal -what a different person she is now - this is so tragic that this could happen to us. I just dont know whats going on anymore, i really dont.

 

 

I feel like I am starting to move forward slowly again now, but as always some days just suk more than others.

 

If anyone can shed some light on what I could do to get her to see that everything she is doing is so out of character or that even if she could agree to councilling of some sort that may benefit her, I would appreciate it.

 

Thanks for reading this, I guess I needed to vent a little - & I hope tomorrow is a little better for all you other posters out there.

 

Pete

[meepmeep20]

what a b-tch.

[abouttime]

I am reading these kinds of stories more and more often. Mothers from stable marriages chucking it all, husbands, kids, financial security, to become cyberwhores. Its chilling.

[angellight]

Pete

 

Get a good lawyer IMMEDIATELY...Use some of that 30,000 from the car sale...You probably should give her some of the material possessions you've acquired together during your 11 years as they are marital assets and a judge will more than likely split them anyway..Make sure everything is in writing....Save every one of those emails and especially the one where the guy "jokes" about kidnapping your children. Your children could be in danger... What woman makes plans to meet men she doesn't even know to have sex, books flights to different states to meet men she only knows from the internet...What if one of these guys is a pedophile or into some kind of sex slave crap or an axe murderer.... Get custody and get your children in a safe stable environment with their safe stable father...

 

In the end, she is the one who will have lost out...The grass is not always greener...A good faithful loving committed man, a wonderful home and family....but it is what it is and your priority is the protection of your children...

 

P.S. I am sorry you are experiencing this..

[RoxyGril]

At least you are moving forward to get yourself out there in the dating life again. But, it is going to take some time to heal over what she has done to you. I just can't she just dropped everything and left you. You have 2 kids that you need to take care of including yourself. Which you just need to provide your childern with a healthy life and make sure that they don't follow in the same direction as their mom. What's she is doing with these other men is not right and also just getting rid of the funiture isn't quite normal especially the way she is handling the situation.

 

Just know that you are going in the right direction and that you are way head of her in the situation about doing things the right way. You just need to stay positive about you and for your kids. Just know she is the one who made the mistake and you didn't. At least you were willing to work on the marriage to make it better. You will find someone who will love you for you and is willing to commit to the relationship. I'm sorry your going through this situation right now but it will get better...Just keeping moving forward and think postively and do what's right...

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with Angellight - find out, definitively, where you stand legally and look after the interests of your children and yourself.

 

You can't do anything about your wife; she's an adult and is making her own choices. Even though they're crazy ones, you won't do anything to change her mind right now. Don't drive yourself to distraction wondering what HER problem is, just concentrate on keeping yourself going through this nightmare.

 

But do get support if you start resorting to gambling or any of the other coping strategies which really will not work in the long term.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is always a chance that she is bi-polar and undiagnosed until now, especially if she has turned on a dime and is doing irrational things.

 

But it is agreed that you must first protect your children if she is behaving unstable. I would try to consult a lawyer and file for custody and see if you can get the judge to require her to get a mental evaluation to see if she is bi-polar.

[angellight]

Also ask the lawyer if you could get an emergeny injunction where you have the kids and she has supervised visits...You would not be the first person whose SO disappeared with the children..

 

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WARN HER OF YOUR PLANS OR SHE MAY BE GONE IN A FLASH WITHOUT ANY RECOURSE....

[karvala]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Pete. It certainly sounds like she's gone off the rails entirely, and will remain so for a while yet it seems. The best thing you can do now is what you are doing; keep your distance from her, look after yourself and your kids, and get on with your life. She'll drift back into it more firmly at some point, though in all honesty I can't see how your relationship could survive this. For now, anyway, she is gone, and you know you have to accept that.

 

As to why she did it, who knows, but I have to make observation which you won't like. When you got together, you were 28, and presumably had some real history and experience behind you, but she was just 17. At 18, she was having a baby and needed to look after it together with you, and again at 20. It was almost inevitable that at some point her curiosity and younger sexuality would lead her astray in some way, though perhaps not quite as dramatically as she's actually chosen to do it.

 

The only thing you can do at present, in addition to keeping your distance where possible, is being non-confrontational when you do have contact, and acting as a friend who simply smiles at her without judgment. That's a big ask, given what she's done to you, but it's only in that way that she might open up and admit to what is really in her mind when she is doing these things, and perhaps even agree to treatment. Don't keep discussing your marriage; that simply fuels her activities. As I say, for now she is gone. Watch and wait, and protect yourself and your children, and live your life as much as you can.

[bmwm3]

Thats sucks man, but it looks like your wife is playing out her wild side, that maybe she missed out on when she was in her late teens early 20s.. most of us go thru this.. around this age...

 

it is very irresposible of her to be doing this... but time will go by and thing prob wont go for her the way she wants with the other guys... and she will prob relize she made a mistake.. but it prob to late by then... good luck...

[maritalbliss]

Welcome to ENA, I think many men have gone through this and will more than likely post very helpful information for you.

 

I just want to say that while you said you are trying to post both sides of the storying, what I'm seeing here is just your side. What more than likely happened is just the basic anatomy of an affair. She was probably going without some of her most important emotional needs being met (affection, conversation, financial stability from you, just to name a few common ones)... and then she started meeting men that fulfilled those needs.

 

You're right about her "not being well" - or in her right mind so to speak. When people are in an affair, they are pretty much blind-sighted to everything rationale around them or about their "lovers" that they cling to. The things they do seem insane and crazy to us but in their heads it makes sense!!! One thread in this Forum is called "The Fog" or something... be good for you to probably read that to understand more what is going on in her head.

 

Mid-life crisis? maybe... but its more likely that she just wasn't getting her needs met, and instead of doing the right thing and just asking you to meet them better or talking through her problems with you - she sought them out from others.

 

 

When she told you she had lost her feelings for you and didn't want to continue in the marriage, and you said that ya'll would work on it - did you honestly work on things?????? Sorry to be so blunt, but you should've taken both of you to a marriage counselor immediately before things could get worse. She might've already been in an affair and was realizing that she truly wanted out. But you didn't (seem) to do anything to try to really work on the marriage so therefore you'll probably never know about the affair going on earlier.

 

I'm honestly not sure that you can save the relationship at this point. SHE has to WANT to change and move back in and drop all her lovers (no contact with them whatsoever) and go from there in rebuilding your trust in her.

 

It doesn't sound like she wants this. You need to seriously think about divorce. She will (inevitably in my mind) see how badly she screwed up and ruined her family and how she lost a very good man in chase of cheap, dumb men that will only use her and use her.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that, she needs to lose you (or to see herself begin to lose you) before she's going to want to make any changes. It might take a long time, and it might not even work out (as in, she might really end up marrying one of these men) - but its the best thing for you and your children to cut her lose. Make her choose you or her lovers, she can't have both. It isn't good that her parents immediately took care of her like that - it lessens the shock of what life will be like w/o you!!!! I imagine that they will give her monetary support as well, if she needs it - which also will not help her to feel the loss of you as much either. BUT aside from that, she WILL feel the loss at some point.

 

About the guy who talked about kid-napping your children and moving to Canada... you need to seriously print that out and save it along with all the other emails that you can get ahold of b/c you will need them in the case of a divorce and child-custody situation. You should start gathering information that can prove that she's not stable enough to have full custody of your children (and she will fight for them - b/c it sounds like she isn't willing to share them with you and is afraid of it). Take this seriously, document document document everything you can, and get a lawyer to go through everything to try to make a case for you.

[angellight]

Whatever her REASONS for doing what she is doing, his priorities are his children....Flying to different states to meet men she has only spoken with on the internet is downright dangerous, for her and for her children. Im sure if she is so irresponsible that she is willing to risk her own life she will eventually drag her children into her craziness...GET A LAWYER, GET AN EMERGENCY INJUNCTION, and get your children in a safe environment..Do it today, it is Friday, while the lawyers office is open. Who knows what crazy new idea she will think up by Monday.... BTW, where are the children while she is doing all this stuff...

[Nutz]

Obviously the woman has a head full of bad wiring or else none of this would have happened. No amount of talking things through, counseling, etc is going to work. The OP must cut her out of his life ASAP and protect the kids from her mental defects.

[peter81969]

hey there everyone,

thanks for your replies & thoughts, I guess the comment regarding did we try after saying we would is a fair point, I guess you need to go thru an upheaval like this to really understand what needs to be done there, as with most males, I did not really know what more to do but ramp up the cuddles & reassurances & try to gauge if it was working - I thought it was going along fine. I was also wrong.

I should have done the councilling route, but never having problems before, I did not know we were on such a pathetic & destructive course.

In my own defence, my wife was kissed & held every day, & one of my fave sayings to her which was asked a lot was, ( every couple of weeks, sometimes more, since we were married) "are we ok?" usual reply? "of course, we are good".

Funny thing is, I never heard in 11 years how bad I was at any affection showing, communication etc until September, when she started down this path that she is on now. Not saying I am perfect, as I know I am not, but its ironic how it became my fault once this started. One thing I will take is blame, if I can see where I went wrong - as we all should.

As far as financial stability, we were in very tough situation, & only just managing, so I guess there I let her down too, it was only for the last 2 years & is actually all solved now - which she was aware was going to happen once the house sold, still, I see your point.

One thing she told a therapist ( she had 1 visit when we 1st split, would not let me go with her) "I have a husband who absolutely adores me, but I feel like I am not in love with him anymore," ( no wonder), so she knew she was loved, where this fits in with needs being met I am not sure, as I am just another guy who shoulda been a psychologist in order to keep my wifes heart from wandering.

 

anyway, thank you all for your concerns, I just wish I knew what to say to her to get her to see what she is doing, as she is seeing no wrong in this - if anything, she is blaming me for it now.

 

cheers,

Pete