lollipop182 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hi guys, I recently just broke up with my boyfriend of several years, because things were not working out in the relationship. He took me for granted completely and even admitted he "lost interest" for awhile. However no cheating or other people were involved in our breakup. It was completely my choice leave. Anyways I moved out, and he was just devestated from the breakup, had anxiety, lost weight. He has tried many times to get back together, admitting a lot of his wrongdoings in the past and wanting to work things out. However, I just dont know how I feel, I still love him, he's an amazing guy but am apprehensive about getting back with him. He started seeing a girl and told me he kissed her and I got upset, but I dont want to be that girl that just wants the guy back because he's interested in someone else. My feelings are just everywhere, and I seriously dont know what I want. Do you think that im just confused by everything or since I dont want back with him right now, that I dont want him at all. Its really scary to not be able to even identify your own feelings. Im so on the fence, Im not really moving on, just examining how I feel, but for him he wants to know right away whether theres a chance or not, and I dont even know that, so I kinda feel pressured. Any thoughts? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 How recent was your breakup? Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 It doesn't sound like his actions have shown you that the original problem is fixed. You are wise to hesitate to return to the same relationship you left. Link to comment
lollipop182 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Breakup was about 2 months ago. I can understand why he needs to know, I dont want to lead him on, but me being on my own is kinda helping me sort through things. I just dont want to make the wrong decision and live with regret. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Breakup was about 2 months ago. I can understand why he needs to know, I dont want to lead him on, but me being on my own is kinda helping me sort through things. I just dont want to make the wrong decision and live with regret. Go with your gut. I think if you have to ask yourself so many questions about whether or not you should get back together with him, then you really don't want to. There are PLENTY of other men out there. Link to comment
Growl1971 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I'm in the same boat as you...broke up with my ex gf 2 months ago, well, just about. It's terrible. I feel as though we 'dumpers' get a bad rap, not in all cases, but most. With that I mean we are seen as 'cold', 'callous', and already over a breakup since we're the one's that pulled the trigger. Like you, I cried so much during our breakup. It's so sad to leave someone that you love, but knowing that for some reason, it's not working, and you don't ever see it working. I'm just now starting to feel better about my decision. So, my advice to you is this: GIVE IT TIME. That means no contact as well. Look, i understand more than you know that you don't want to live with regret...who does? You're probably telling/asking yourself things like...'did i not try hard enough?' 'should i have communicated better?' 'am i being too critical?' 'was it THAT bad?' 'arent' these normal things that all relationships go through?'.... all the while, sitting at home, where you two used to hang out, laugh, and live together. now, they're gone. you wanted a sense of relief, but you're not there...yet. you did breakup for a reason(s)....unless it was a flip decision, i'm guessing you were thinking about it for awhile. so, only you can know the answers, but right now, you're grieving. you miss him. you miss having that daily phone call/email/contact.... it sucks, i know it. it's a habit that takes breaking. i'm sure you communicated throughout the relationship about your problems...that's all you can do. no, you can't 'change' anyone, and dont' wish too, but you discussed it, probably more than once. it could just come down to compatability...it could be immaturity...it could be many things all rolled up together. but, as i'm sure you do, after a certain period...you want to 'know'...know that this is the person. that this is where you'll choose to voluntarily love them with all their flaws. if you can't do that for a myriad of reasons....let it go. as you did. it will take TIME...if and when in the next few months, of no contact, you realize that 'hey...i still MISS him..' do something about it...but not before you give it time and distance. i do believe in the man above, and i believe that everything does happen for a reason, and that what's meant to be will be. best of luck...you will get through this!! Link to comment
steven63 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 i think you should just wait a couple of days to let things calm down and then see how you feel Link to comment
stickman Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Like me, we all on here want instant gradification. We all want it NOW NOW NOW!! Look, I am an idiot. BUT I have learned that the best things in life are earned. Things take TIME. Take some real meaningful time apart and figure out what is best for you. Give enough time for the anxiety to calm down. That takes months in many cases. LOVE does not die overnight. But hard feelings and behaviors can. Don't be afraid to give it time. It's that fear that really drives us crazy. The fear and anxiety of things we have no control over. Let it go. Relax. Get busy with other things...for now...and revisit it in a month after no contact. Explain to him that you BOTH need time apart. Maybe you both need to date others. Go ahead!!!! Maybe you both need to experience others to appreciate what you have together? Link to comment
longdist Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 As a disclaimer, I am in a semi-similar boat to your ex. I think you should consider reconciling with him, if you think you love him. However, make sure the two of you talk about the problems and why interest was lost and what you liked about the relationship. Take reconciliation very slowly, if you go that route. I know in my relationship, I had become a different person during the past year, and I don't think my ex loved this different person. I know I didn't. I feel like the breakup helped us both realize a lot of things. I think the relationship would be better than ever if it returned. However, I think we both need sufficient time to make necessary self-changes. It is probably good to give your thoughts some time, but sometimes it takes knowing that you could lose someone in order to realize you love them. Link to comment
longdist Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Go with your gut. I think if you have to ask yourself so many questions about whether or not you should get back together with him, then you really don't want to. There are PLENTY of other men out there. Sometimes love needs a second chance. I think most relationships come into question after a few years. I think this would be true with any new relationship as well. Unfortunately you wouldn't find out until 3 years down the road and then realize you missed out on something that could have been great. If you really are questioning things, then it could also meant that you really do want him back. There are plenty of men out there, but the question is if you have already found the guy for you. Link to comment
stickman Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 ....However, I think we both need sufficient time to make necessary self-changes. It is probably good to give your thoughts some time, but sometimes it takes knowing that you could lose someone in order to realize you love them. Good points....Notice anything? Link to comment
Maranello77 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I just posted my saga yesterday, but am intrigued by some of the discussion here. For those that have dumped, understandably it is hard on you, but how will you know. What if the relationship is great, but something isn't working in your own life? Do you need to see other people? Do you need to fix that something in your life on your own? Do you need to realize that you may lose the person? Any experienced dumpers out there with this sort of history? Link to comment
and again Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Just reading this thread, ex dumped me when things were going well, sais she could not handle a relationship because to messed up by passed ones. All the way through our time together she said i was best she had had and was all there. Since split 8wks ago we had one chat 3 wks ago, her sis had said to me week before that ex knew she had messed it up, but just wanted to be on her own. But when i talked to ex, and conversation wasnt really about us she said, that she wished i would go with someone and get over her (even though she didnt know i wasnt). She also said all she was doing was working , looking after her kids, and will never have another relationship or one night stand. Anyone got any ideas wether she will regret it or as to why she said those things?? Link to comment
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