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Emotional cheater wishing to get back together


longdist

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The below happened after my ex had broken things off with me because she wasn't sure if she was in love with me anymore. I told her about things after a month of NC.

 

I was wondering if I could get some help on this situation (described in ). I told my ex about emotional cheating I did while we were dating (nothing physical, short and mostly innocent). I felt like it was required if we were to even have a future relationship as friends. Part of me regrets doing this because I wonder if it only hurt my ex since she might not have ever spoke to me again, making it water under the bridge. I am happy that I have been completely honest with her about everything in our relatoinship now.

 

Now that I told her about this, I feel like NC would be hopeless if I ever wanted to reunite with my ex. If she ever considers reconciliation during NC, the cheating will remind her not to. After the cheating I pushed my ex's buttons for a period of months, rather than trying to make it up to her (still don't really understand that reasoning.. I think it was b/c I thought she didn't love me and wanted to verify it one way or the other). So all of these are memories that she probably won't forget. During the time I was in depression about things outside of the relationship and was just not mentally there and some how allowed all of this to happen. I would have broken things off at the time, to avoid putting her through this, but we were living together (long story).

 

So in my case, do you think I need to become friends first if I ever hope to rekindle a relationship (I ask a similar question here: )? She is also the type of girl that requires a solid friendship before dating. I realize I don't deserve her after what I have done, but if nothing else I would like to put us on good terms again. I can't live with myself knowing that someone I care about so much may have ill feelings toward me. I want to try to right the wrong I have done. I have begun joining charities, and have done things to work on myself, but now I want to work on righting my wrong with my ex.

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hey longdist

have you apologized profusely and begged for her back? I don't know if that's the best advice but it certainly would have worked for me. My ex emotionally cheated too but never really apologized. He talked about apologizing, but never really did, if you can believe that.

 

If you have already apologized and begged but she does not respond, go NC and try to live as if she's not coming back (easier said than done of course). Ball is in her court but at least she knows how you truly feel and will give it some thought. Plus, if you truly apologize, then you should be able to let go of the guilty feelings a little easier.

 

Hope things work out!

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Thanks for the reply. I forgot to mention that I didn't tell her about things until after the breakup and do realize I should have done it right away. I added that info into the initial post.

 

That being said, I have apologized and it was a heart felt apology and I think my ex recognizes that. She didn't understand why I pushed her buttons, but said that the rest is water under the bridge (I have my doubts about that if we are going to have any future relationship). I also put together a picture slideshow with music that involved apologies for things I did throughout our relationship. It also showed our good times together. So, I think she knows my stance. I would give anything to have a chance to make things up to her.

 

I have now been NC for another 16 days since I told her about the cheating and have assumed that she will not come back. I just think I wasn't the my true self during the last year of our relationship and that I can be such a better person. I guess I wish there was a way I could show her who I am again.

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How long should I wait to contact my ex after telling her about the (non-physical) cheating I did. I think I'm emotionally ready, but I'm not sure how long it would take her since she was the dumper and, I believe, already emotionally disconnected from me (the reason for my timing on telling her about the cheating). I would like to try becoming friends, as I believe that is the only route for reconciliation here.

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Hi longdist,

I just read some of your original thread, it seems to me that she had already emotionally distanced herself from you even before you told her about the cheating.

 

From what I've seen, it seems you have done everything right, telling her the truth about the emotional cheating, asking for her forgiveness, asking for another chance. Ball is definitely in her court now.

 

I think NC is the best course for you now, is she dating someone new already? If so, definitely NC. It seems that the only way for her to get back to you is if she dates around and when she sees that the grass is not greener, she will realize what you guys had was special. Give her the time and space to do that on her own.

 

The important thing to remember for you of course is that she may realize that she's better off without you. That's why NC is the best way. It allows you to emotionally distance yourself too, until you are stronger to face whatever her decision is. Just try NC for awhile and see where it takes you.

 

I'm on my 6th month after the break up and NC for a month. He would email me once a month proclaiming how much he loved me and I would respond then he would stay silent again until the next month. Seriously! His behavior is confusing. Thats why I think you are doing the right thing by being straight with her and consistent. It gives her the message that you are truly committed to making it work.

 

PM if you want to talk more about it. take care!

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How long should I wait to contact my ex after telling her about the (non-physical) cheating I did. I think I'm emotionally ready, but I'm not sure how long it would take her since she was the dumper and, I believe, already emotionally disconnected from me (the reason for my timing on telling her about the cheating). I would like to try becoming friends, as I believe that is the only route for reconciliation here.

 

 

How long has it been since the break up? how long since you had told her about the emotional cheating? 16 days of NC is not a very long time. Maybe give it a little more time? I would say waiting for her to contact you instead but I don't want you waiting for something that may never come either. There's no clear cut answer to your question. I would just sit on my hands for awhile and see how you feel in another 16 days.

 

One more thing, if you guys get back together, will it still be long distance? One of the things that keeps me from contacting my ex is realizing that even if we talked now, there is no way anything good would come of it because we would still be in a long distance relationship.

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Thanks for the response kayamoyan. She broke up with me right before Christmas. I was LC for a little less than a month. Then I had a spurt of trying to be friends (I was far from prepared since I still had really strong feelings). I went a month of NC and the whole time I kept thinking about the need to tell her about the cheating. I kept questioning if I should keep it to myself as water under the bridge, assuming we would never start up a relationship even as friends. However, the whole thing bugged me since it happened. So I told about things 2 months after the breakup, w/ 1 month of NC. I felt the need to be honest with someone I cared about so much and at the same time I thought it would explain a lot of my actions since it happened and should alleviate any guilt she may have about ending the relationship. We had a few messages within a weeks span about this and then it has been 16+ days of NC again.

 

I feel like I'm at a point where I've distanced myself emotionally from the situation to a high enough degree where I think I'm prepared for anything. Too be honest I feel like I've moved on, but I'm still holding onto this string because I believe this girl and I were really meant to be together and that we could have an amazing relationship if love was given a second chance. I feel like that is the right state to be in to do the friend thing. If things get bad, I can just cut that string.

 

She may or may not be seeing someone; she said she was planning to go on a date with a close friend after I told her about the cheating. I don't know where the stance is now. I've been assuming the worst. It doesn't bother me anymore.

 

I will be moving close to my ex in 9 months (not because of my ex), ending the distance situation. I will be visiting her town in a few weeks for business and have been planning to meet up for a quick bite. I was going to feel things out there and maybe try to initiate a freindship.

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