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The push/pull thing


pace of ace

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Hi all. I've been thinking a little about the whole push/pull theory and what's actually behind it. I know it's clearly related to human psycology but what confuses me really is why it REALLY happens.

 

Some us here have been or are in situations where an ex (even if the ex was the one who dumped us) is still in contact with you. Now i'll admit (and some who know my story will know) I've been that guy who calls and texts and claws in desperation (in the past mind at the ex which just results in the ex pulling further and further away.

 

Thing is, my ex and i are in LC (I always let her initiate now) and whenever we go through a period of not speaking, she'll contact. And i don't even mean a long period, only after 1 week or so. Basically as soon as i stop pushing against her, she stops pulling away and starts coming back towards me.

 

Thing is, i have ex's, as we all do, and the ones who i've broken up with or the relationship has just ended in the past who i have never had any desire to reconcile with, i've never bothered staying in touch with. We just drifted apart, and as i had no desire to ever try again, i had no reasons to get in touch and we parted for good.

 

I guess what i'm curious on, is that if an ex pushes towards you whenver you pull away, there must be a certain level of uncertainty within them that isn't 100% sure/happy/ with what they're doing and the decisions they've made.

 

Am i wrong on this??

 

I've heard about the push/pull theory very often, and it's actually true, so i'm just trying to understand it better.

 

Thanks.

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I think the push/pull theory is directly related to power. For example when you push towards her it makes her feel empowered and in control. However when you start pulling away she can sense she is loosing that power so she will start to push towards you to regain that power and control. It really is a vicious circle to be stuck in, I think it is one of the reasons why people keep breaking NC.

 

I let my ex push towards me, then I ignored her! Psychologically I have the power again and that's how it's staying!

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Yeah i can see the logic in that. It's certaintly interesting how people work. We've all been in situations where if someone is constantly in touch with you, the last thing you do is initiate anything.... I dunno, it is interesting to say the least.

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I think the push/pull theory is directly related to power. For example when you push towards her it makes her feel empowered and in control. However when you start pulling away she can sense she is loosing that power so she will start to push towards you to regain that power and control. It really is a vicious circle to be stuck in, I think it is one of the reasons why people keep breaking NC.

 

I let my ex push towards me, then I ignored her! Psychologically I have the power again and that's how it's staying!

 

Don't fool yourself, phil, she is only as desperate as her options dictate. Normally women have many, many options. I am not trying to be rude, just realistic.

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Yeah i can see the logic in that. It's certaintly interesting how people work. We've all been in situations where if someone is constantly in touch with you, the last thing you do is initiate anything.... I dunno, it is interesting to say the least.

 

Too true! I personally find it a bit irritating when someone is constantly bugging me but when they start to back off I think 'Hang on... where have they gone!' and sometimes I will initiate contact but other times I might feel relieved.

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Don't fool yourself, phil, she is only as desperate as her options dictate. Normally women have many, many options. I am not trying to be rude, just realistic.

 

I don't know where I stand with her to be honest but I don't really care either! I ignored her because it made ME feel like I have the power again maybe I am fooling myself and maybe she doesn't care at all but more importantly it made me feel better.

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I don't know where I stand with her to be honest but I don't really care either! I ignored her because it made ME feel like I have the power again maybe I am fooling myself and maybe she doesn't care at all but more importantly it made me feel better.

 

Maybe I misunderstood what you meant by power. If you meant personal power then you are absolutely right! The first time I read what you wrote it seemed like you meant some type of power over her, sorry.

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Maybe I misunderstood what you meant by power. If you meant personal power then you are absolutely right! The first time I read what you wrote it seemed like you meant some type of power over her, sorry.

 

Yep power within yourself not the other kind!

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Too true! I personally find it a bit irritating when someone is constantly bugging me but when they start to back off I think 'Hang on... where have they gone!' and sometimes I will initiate contact but other times I might feel relieved.

 

 

I guess this sums up the reason for my post. When someone stops contacting you and you feel "relieved" that tells you all you need to know about how you feel about the other person. "They've stopped, thank goodness!!"

 

But when you think "wait, where have they gone?..." then you initiate, is it simply JUST a power thing, or is there more to it? More than someone may care to admit..

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I think it depends on how you feel about that person. For example if the person contacting you is someone you don't like and they suddenly stop you probably will feel relieved.

 

However if the person contacting you is someone who you have strong feelings for that's when it turns into the push/pull situation.

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I am in the SAME boat right now and I never contact him though he calls like once a week. I know people have said that they call b/c they are lonely, guilty (etc) but it makes me wonder if they are 100% sure with their decision?

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I am in the SAME boat right now and I never contact him though he calls like once a week. I know people have said that they call b/c they are lonely, guilty (etc) but it makes me wonder if they are 100% sure with their decision?

 

I think it means they don't REALLY want to be with you, but they can TOLERATE you. So they want to keep you on a string just in case of an emergency (such as not being able to find somebody else). Lol.

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I think the push/pull theory is directly related to power. For example when you push towards her it makes her feel empowered and in control. However when you start pulling away she can sense she is loosing that power so she will start to push towards you to regain that power and control. It really is a vicious circle to be stuck in, I think it is one of the reasons why people keep breaking NC.

 

I let my ex push towards me, then I ignored her! Psychologically I have the power again and that's how it's staying!

 

 

Absolutely. I think it has a lot to do with power and/or control. Rarely is is about true feelings for the person. When they no longer feel that person is in their realm of control they reach back out.

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Ok, so we've estblished the power thing. I totally agree. Totally. But what if your ex does more than simply "contact" you. What if she actively wants to meet you, or tells you she misses you etc..etc. I'm know nothing is guaranteed unless they say so, but it does make you wonder doesn't it.

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Ok, so we've estblished the power thing. I totally agree. Totally. But what if your ex does more than simply "contact" you. What if she actively wants to meet you, or tells you she misses you etc..etc. I'm know nothing is guaranteed unless they say so, but it does make you wonder doesn't it.

 

The power thing can potentially still apply in the scenarios you've just mentioned.

 

People can feel like they miss their ex for any number of reasons, and it doesn't always mean that the relationship should be revived in a romantic format, if at all.

 

Forget what they may say-- nothing is guaranteed until they do so.

 

And even then you have to consider the actions in the context of everything else:

Are they still ambivalently push/pulling during what we want to believe is the pull phase?

Are they consistent?

What's the true nature of this person's character?

What were the reasons for breakup?

Are we probably better off as friends?

(and so on).

 

Find the answers, and then determine whether you can trust what they really are saying is what you really are hoping to hear.

Even then, it's best to proceed with caution.

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