New Here - Long Story - Please Help!

[Maranello77]

I just found this site and have been reading through some of the past posts. This seems like a great group so I thought I would share and hopefully get some advice. I’ve been struggling with a break-up for about nine months now.

 

We started dating when she was 20 and I was 23. After the first six months, I moved and we did long distance for two and a half years. Later, we both ended up in the same city and had been living together for a wonderful three years. We were fantastic together. Soul mates. Totally in love. Incredible partnership. Amazing physical relationship. I had started a business and she was an amazing support. It was my joy to take care of her and I know I did a great job at that. Wonderful mutual friends, each of our families loved the other.

 

So, she decides to go to grad school on a different coast. This was a two year process (applications, school visits, etc), but she got in and decided to do it. We found her new place together and were so excited about learning the new city. She wanted me to move with her and I really wanted to, but my business was here at home. I thought that it would be best if I stayed and generated income and maybe came out a year later. We talked about the visits, long distance, etc. Everything was a go.... not perfect, but we were committed to each other and decided to commit to making it work.

 

Then, a few weeks before school was to start, she broke up with me. Out of the blue. Totally unexpected. She basically said that she needed to do this on her own. She said she loves me and this was an incredibly hard decision for her, but that she simply had to do something on her own, for herself. She feels like she spent the formative years of her adult life in this relationship and that she just needed to be able to devote herself 100% to grad school and really figure out her career goals and be able to make decisions about her future without having to worry about anyone else (i.e., me). If there were ever a case of right relationship-wrong time, this is it.

 

I was devastated. Absolutely floored. She was everything to me. This happened in July and I'm still going through quite a bit of pain and anguish. Time has definitely helped, though.

 

Here's the catch - when she broke up with me, she said she truly believed we were soul mates and that she believes we will end up together one day. However, for school and the impending career choices, she needs to be alone. She wants to be my friend and stay in touch. And so, we have been in touch. We talk maybe weekly. She says she loves me... still. We talk more than is healthy for me and she'll end conversations with "love you" or call me by the usual pet names that we had grown accustomed to using with each other. Yet, when pressed, she won't put a "label" on us. She won't say that she is my girlfriend. Since there was no catalyst for the break-up like cheating or anything else, I don't feel like I have the motivation to move on and so I have basically told her that I'm waiting for her.

 

Over the past several months, we’ve seen each other a few times despite the distance. We had a wonderful time seeing each other over the holidays. I recently was with her for a week helping her recover from surgery. It was really wonderful to spend that much down time together. She has had amazing success in grad school so far and I can see tiny little cracks in her armor. After all this time, I can sense that she still loves me, but perhaps not with the same intensity or passion. I suppose that is to be expected after all this time. Yet, after the last visit, we scheduled another one. Once in a blue moon, she call in tears talking about missing me and how she’s nervous that she’s risking losing me/us, but she has to stay the course and pursue her career at the moment. If she likes her new job (which she’ll try out this summer) and has some clarity on what city she’ll be in, I’d like to think that there is a possibility for us.

 

It still hurts so much everyday. To go from such a wonderfully fulfilling relationship to this has been agony. I've had a few half-hearted attempts at telling her I can't do this anymore and needing my own space, but I just can't stay away. Especially at this point, where we’ve been able to spend time together despite the distance.

 

I know she needs this time and I'm genuinely happy that she is having the time of her life, but I'm just not sure how I should proceed. If she could say we get back together for certain, I'd wait. She just won't commit to anything... she's smart and realizes that anything is possible. Anything can change. And I know that too. So, I am so worried that if I do stick around, she may one day decide that there is no future and that realization could be more traumatic than if I just got over it in the first place.

 

Am I crazy for waiting???

Thanks everyone!

[melrich]

Am I crazy for waiting???

 

Yes and no.

 

Then, a few weeks before school was to start, she broke up with me. Out of the blue. Totally unexpected. She basically said that she needed to do this on her own.

 

I can understand this. I am sure this took a lot of resolve on her part to come to this decision. I think she is firm in her minds with what she wants (needs) to do now and you make that hard for her so this her way of dealing with that.

 

Should you wait? It sounds 50/50 in terms of will you guys end up together so I guess I would say are they odds you are willing to take a chance on?

[Pixiedoc]

No, you're not crazy. It appears there is still a lot of love between you, although I personally don't understand why if you talk, visit and say you love each other she should choose to be single over this period of time. This would make sense if she wanted to be free to date others, do you know if this has happened? If not, I think you have a chance, especially as you are 9 months into this and still in regular (and affectionate) contact. Good luck.

[Maranello77]

Neither of us have dated in this time. She says that if she wanted to date someone it would be me, but she just isn't able to date now. And I believe her.

 

A lot of people are telling me that I'm not handling this right because I'm still always around, here to help and provide support on a moment's notice, which I do. And since I'm always here, she really isn't risking anything b/c she knows I'm right here for her. Does that make sense? Will it help our reconciliation if I back off and make her realize that she does risk losing me. I don't want to be playing a game here, but I think there be some merit to this theory.

[Tired Tiger]

Hello Maranello...

A lot of people are telling me that I'm not handling this right because I'm still always around, here to help and provide support on a moment's notice, which I do. And since I'm always here, she really isn't risking anything b/c she knows I'm right here for her. Does that make sense? Will it help our reconciliation if I back off and make her realize that she does risk losing me. I don't want to be playing a game here, but I think there be some merit to this theory.

 

Well.....

 

She basically said that she needed to do this on her own. She said she loves me and this was an incredibly hard decision for her, but that she simply had to do something on her own, for herself.

 

 

 

Personally, I wouldn't look at it as a 'game' to simply let her experience her own decision.

[longdist]

Yeah this is tough. It sounds like you two are in a long distance relationship without the label. The reason for the breakup doesn't appear to be a good reasn if you two talk as much as you do. Have you tried discussing this with her? Long distance relationships are tough (especially when they aren't a relationship), so I would worry about putting all of your cards on you two getting back together. If I were you, I would try to keep your options open and assume it's over. At the same time, do what you feel like you need to do with your ex. If you don't find anyone, then that's okay b/c it sounds like this relationship is still ideal for you, but don't close your eyes to other options.

[Maranello77]

I think that's an accurate description - we are in a long distance relationship without the label. We used to talk about it quite a bit, but it just got us nowhere and every conversation ended in tears for everyone. And I think your advice is sound, but it's so hard to adopt the mindset that it is over when we are so involved in each other's lives.

 

Here's the thing - I feel trapped. If I insist on NC to help me move on and settle down, I'm afraid she'll never come back. So, since she wants me in her life, I've decided that I'm going to stay in it and do my best to do right by her and so she'll never really forget what I offered. In the process, I need to suppress my feelings b/c it's not productive to talk about "us" every time we speak. This is completely unfair to me and a win-win for her, but what else can I do to ensure that there is a chance we get back together?

 

Thanks.

[longdist]

If you insist on NC, I think she would understand. I guess I'm still not sure why she doesn't want the long distance relationship label, if she is having one anyhow. That would make me worry a little. My guess is that she is planning to slowly move away from conversation and anything relating to a relationship, but I don't know. It may be an easy way for her to see if the grass is greener with another guy, since you wouldn't know and she won't have the guilt of being in a relationship. I'm sorry about putting these thoughts in your head. I'm a pecemist. She may be going through a mid-youth crisis between the graduate degree and the breakup. It may be best just to give her the space to work it out if this is the case.

 

I guess you need to develop the mindset that you are just friends and should only talk a few times a month. Otherwise, it would probably be better to NC. It is hard to give you good advice in this situation b/c it really depends on what you are willing to do/risk and where you think your ex's head is. You definitely can't be talking about a relationship all of the time if you try to be friends. It is a win-win for her, as it always is for the dumpee. I don't think you will be ensuring a reconciliation if you keep in contact over if you stopped contact. She knows how good you have been. It may be best to stop now before things get ugly (i.e. you wonder where she is a given night, you become emotional on the phone, etc..) You want to leave her with good thoughts. LDRs are tough w/ or w/o a label. They basically became a friendship anyhow, but only after emotional termoil of seeing her and then being apart. Like I said, if you go the friend route, make sure you keep your options open to other girls (you probably won't).

 

Best of luck. Do what's in your heart, but only after evaluating it with your mind. Only you can make this decision.