NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 going to end it. Thanks for the help and distraction. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 That would be preferred. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Who will weep for you (besides us)? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Suzy, you are a beautiful, warm, and thoughtful person. Inside and out. Please don't go through with this. What's wrong? Link to comment
Jeremiah Johnson Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 What hurts so much? Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Sorry. I shouldn't just leave you guys hanging. This one guy I know will be sad but nobody else will. My mom told me again tonight that nobody likes me and I couldn't handle the abuse anymore so I got in the car and left. I made it about 3 hours away and then decided to turn around. When I got back they said it isn't true that nobody likes me but then randomly started getting angry, screaming, stommed off saying she will never help me again. Wouldn't even listen to anything I was trying to explain. Called me an emotionless * * * * * . People keep telling me I have no emotions. When I drove away I had my new precription for sleeping pills (bipolar insomnia) and I was going to just buy some liqour and take the pills. It is still an option. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Does your mom have any idea how you feel when she acts that way? Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 She isn't rational. She has hated me since I was born because I "breast fed too hard".. I was a mistake, should go away and never come back, she tried to puch me out of a speeding car. I have nowhere to go. Link to comment
Jeremiah Johnson Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Parents have too much power for what they are. They can open wounds in the deepest parts of your heart and their cruel words have more power sometimes than even the closest friend. I guess there's some instinct in us to seek validation from them, even if it's only subconscious. But they're flawed people, just like us. It's sad, but true... many people will never get the validation and acceptance they want from their parents. But the world is so much bigger than that... and people come and go... even family. And we can leave them behind if we must and go start a life new somewhere else. I believe our true family is the set of people that encourage us, accept us, and love us no matter what. They may or may not be blood, but they're the only family that really matters. You shouldn't leave this world before your time. There's someone out there you've never met and you have the power to bring hope into their life. There's many someones and they need you, even if you've not met them yet. Maybe they're wandering around British Columbia or San Diego or New York, ready to end it themselves. And maybe someone will talk them out of it. And they might just take off and start their life somewhere else. And one day your paths will intersect and all the bull**** you had to deal with in a family that didn't deserve you won't matter anymore. Because the old interlude will have passed and a new chapter of life nothing like this one will have begun. And everything you've felt at this moment will be something that can help you relate to that new person, something that will bring hope, something that will matter more than you can imagine. Don't miss that adventure. Don't let them roam the world alone. They need you. You are *needed*, I promise. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 I realize that I can have a family even if they aren't "my" family. I had thought I had one at college.. and then when I told two of them about my diagnosis of Bipolar they spread it around and told people I am schizophrenic (while laughing about it).. and I overheard it. I just feel sick every day I go to uni. I wish I could just pick up and leave and close this chapter of the past 21 year but it feels like I just had to put up with enough that it triggered a genetic weakness And, it just feels like death sentence that I can never escape while alive. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 If you stick around and finish school there will most likely come a day when you will no longer have to have anything to do with your parents. Give yourself more time, life is totally different (read better) when there's nobody around you putting you down. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 too bad my mom doesn't believe in abortion. If she never wanted me I would have preferred that. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 How much do your friends know about your home life? Link to comment
Jeremiah Johnson Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I realize that I can have a family even if they aren't "my" family. I had thought I had one at college.. and then when I told two of them about my diagnosis of Bipolar they spread it around and told people I am schizophrenic (while laughing about it).. and I overheard it. I just feel sick every day I go to uni. I wish I could just pick up and leave and close this chapter of the past 21 year but it feels like I just had to put up with enough that it triggered a genetic weakness And, it just feels like death sentence that I can never escape while alive. It can take a lifetime to find just a couple true friends. I'm 30 and know very few. And I see and talk to almost no one from HS and college. It's OK...not that people betrayed your trust, but it's OK to let go. Real friends are more rare than almost anything. I'm sorry you're having to deal with crap at college. But you can leave... look hard at what you're contemplating... ending it all. Compared to that, what have you got to lose by just picking up and going? If you're really at the end of your rope, then just pack a bag and go... even if you don't have a dime. Because no matter what happens or how scary that is, it carries with it hope. I did it once many years ago... I was at the point of end it or go. So I went...drove till my car was out of gas and then I got out and walked. Then I hitchhiked. And I had $6 with me and some beef jerky. Anyways, that's a long story, but to sum it up, it was an amazing adventure. And I came out of it with hope. So if you're really at your end, if you've got nothing else, please just pack a bag and go and see what happens. Whether or not you believe in any sort of higher power, you'll be in my prayers. Link to comment
Sparchitecht Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Your home life sounds more than a little toxic, at which point the only good recommendation is getting the heck out. You may or may not be able to get your life together then, but it's impossible to treat problems when they're compounded with others creating overlapping symptoms. This all assumes, however, 100% validity in the perceptions written in the original post. The problem with such is a classic issue with all parent-teenager battles, as I recollect quite vividly back to my own days as a self-righteous, self-assured teenager whose every whim was guaranteed right and every contraindication levied by my parents was sadistic and hedonistic on their part. Once I was able to dislodge my head from the anal cavity of adolescence, however, I found most of what my parents had always stood for to be pretty much in-key, and that a good deal of my most radical thinking had now been replaced by something I warmly hold as 'maturity'. True, my parents were never the type to abuse. I, however, had a pretty twisted form of cognition in my time, and a lot of things the came into my own were far differently seen than they were by those around me. Link to comment
lost1607307474 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 She isn't rational. She has hated me since I was born because I "breast fed too hard".. I was a mistake, should go away and never come back, she tried to puch me out of a speeding car. I have nowhere to go. Your mum isn't rational, you said it yourself. But you have the choice to be a rational person and that choice has to be made now. Killing yourself is just as irrational as something your mum would do. Don't do it. You're a beautiful person who is worth more than anything. So many people would weep for you. You have so much support here. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 How much do your friends know about your home life? They know bits and pieces but I try to not linger on it with people. I just don't even understand how my luck could be so rotten sometimes. Not just with my family but also boyfriends and now friends. Link to comment
waveseer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 They know bits and pieces but I try to not linger on it with people. I just don't even understand how my luck could be so rotten sometimes. Not just with my family but also boyfriends and now friends. If you are in school, does that mean you have access to free counseling? Link to comment
Sparchitecht Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 There's someone out there you've never met and you have the power to bring hope into their life... ...maybe they're wandering around British Columbia Baaaahahahaha... not even God has the power to bring hope into their lives... Link to comment
Jeremiah Johnson Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Baaaahahahaha... not even God has the power to bring hope into their lives... Not really the time or place, my friend... Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 This has been the one thing I have been holding onto for a long while. I would try to force myself to not kill myself when I fell into depressions with the understanding that I just had to wait it out. I would overdose on sleeping pills (the type that can't kill you) trying to drown it out for long enough. But I always keep in the back of my mind that even though I am dirt broke from college loans, I can pick up and leave. Tonight I was driving with no destination. I wanted to just drive away. But then I thought if I decided to leave I shouldn't be driving my parent's car. So I came back.. and then it continued. If I try again I'm not going to screw it up again. I finally got on some medication and I know it is still the period before it is building up or something. I kind of wonder if I'm just trying to medicate myself to forget about all this crap. When my mom told me nobody likes me I told her that is a topic I talked to my therapist about today. She then got really angry because I am making her look bad. Link to comment
My Advice Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 That would be preferred. Suzy Hey trust me things will get alot better if you can get through this. You can probably get help that will be more than worth it. Clearly you rather have a happier life than die. I am texting this but if you wait till I sign on I have possible info for help. Link to comment
Jeremiah Johnson Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 It's a lot to weigh on your mind...the details of just leaving. Loans lingering over you and such. But when you weigh it against just passing from this world, then what the hell do loans matter anyways? I hope your medication will help, but I hope even more than you'll get away from your mom. Whether you manage to stick it through there for a while longer or whether you jump on a train tonight, I just hope you'll choose to get out of there however you can find a way. Link to comment
Sparchitecht Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 The illness-based portion of your problems can be treated. It takes time and patience and diligence on everyone's part, mostly yours. The good thing is that as soon as mood and perception are altered, LIFE is altered. Meds can't fix sociological misgivings, though. A mother as you describe would depress an otherwise healthy individual, not to mention one in need of warmth and wisdom as much as you are. As put by Mr. JJ, parents are truly given far more power than some should be handling. They are entrusted to guide and care for their young, but mishandled they have the potential to destroy lives other than their own. What you need currently is to be able to get yourself up to a working dosage and at least get some semblance of mood regularity back into your life. How you go about this is your choice of open windows, but know that that will be the kick that sets the ball rolling for you, and as you gain momentum then you'll be able to put the rest of your life in better order, both intrinsically and extrinsically. Link to comment
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