I am so alone...need someone to talk too..

[deedee36]

I think I really need help, and I definitely have some major emotional problems going on. I have pretty much been verbally abused my whole life. I am 35 years old, and I feel so broken down and lost. Emotionally I feel I'm still a child. I'm so scared and sad and alone. I literally have no one. I feel like I am a piece of transparent cellophane that nobody sees. My mom could never love me, and left me when I was young, then came back into my life after I was older, and continues to rip off a little piece of me almost daily, I feel like there is almost nothing of me left....nothing of the person I once was. I feel like I am incapable of not only being loved, but even being liked. If not even my own parents can love me....who will...how can I possibly love myself?? I don't have one single friend, or outlet, or person who cares if I live or die, nothing and no one to help me lighten the load. I feel like I'm on the edge....the precipice...about to jump.. I am such a mess right now. I am just getting myself together financially. I recently went back to school and became a nurse, and that is positive, but I have always been a loner my whole life. My parents were going through a bitter divorce when I was a young adolescent, and there was constant screaming so I was always too embarrassed to bring friends home...and I think too scared to open myself up to anyone because even my sisters...because of the bitterness of the divorce...and how messed up our parents were...just weren't there...we kind of fought and broke eachother down more in a bad situation instead of supporting eachother and building eachother up. I just feel like I have been so hurt and let down by those who were supposed to love me, that I completely shut myself down to anyone. I have never known love or friendship...and I can't take another day of this utter loneliness I feel inside. My dad constantly put us (me and my sisters)down...especially me...and since I had no friends...I spent a lot of my time with him...he always told me I was stupid....made me feel like he wouldn't love me anymore if I tried to make any decisions for myself...or stand up for myself in any way. It made me so unsure of myself...and in need of validation..it effects everything...personal life, work, etc. I even have trouble getting along with people at work...as a new nurse I was so excited to be a part of a profession that is dedicated to helping people...but there are a lot of nurses who eat their young...and I am getting a lot of disrespect and harassment at work...I just feel like there is no lightness or fun in any part of my life...it's all just hurt and pain and sorrow...and no one can live like that...I don't want to...I don't know how to let anyone in, I'm so afraid of being hurt anymore than I already have been, but I need people, healthy people in my life who truly care about me, and have my best interests at heart, and I can then do the same for them...can anybody help me?? There is so much more bottled up in me...but I already feel like I have droned on forever....at least I got some of what I am feeling out...thanks for that...I really feel like I have always tried to be a good person, and do right by others and my whole life has just been one big hot wet mess anyway...so what's the point?

[Caldus]

I feel a lot like you do. Except I'm also really pissed off at people in general. I don't like people anymore. Long ago I might've but not anymore. I'm just so sick of the constant harassment and disrespect, especially with those at work.

[waveseer]

Well, I'm glad you shared all that, what a heavy burden to carry with you through life. I would recommend you find a support group and maybe individual counseling so you can begin to release some of the weightier memories of ill treatment that are affecting you today. You are always welcome to dump them here, there is even a private journal section for the topics you don't wish to share with anyone else.

 

Do you have more to add right now? I'm listening.

[deedee36]

thank you for your kind response. I guess I'm feeling even more sad that I am on a website pouring my feelings out to complete strangers because there isn't anyone else I feel comfortable enough to do it with. I am sad that I looking to find my niche in this world, and some love and acceptance...and I know I have a lot of inner demons to work out, and that is probably contributing to my lonliness...but I don't know how to turn it around...I don't know how to bring loving healthy people in my life...and I'm afraid I may not know how to be loving and healthy...I guess I sound a bit crazy...anyway...thank you for taking the time to read this and reply to it...I'm not sure anything I write matters...as it isn't going to change my situation...is it?

[deedee36]

It's nice to know there are others out there who feel as I do. thanks for the reply... I guess I feel anger too, but I repress it...and I guess it presents as passive aggressive...anyway...even though it is nice not to feel alone, I don't wish the way I feel on anyone else...so I am also sorry that you can relate to the way I feel at the same time. I am no one to be giving advice....but I try to find healthy outlets when I too feel anger...kickboxing, running...blah...blah..blah...I hope tomorrow is better

[waveseer]

You've found a great place to inspect your demons with some assistance from people who have or are willing to inspect theirs.

 

What is causing you the most trouble currently?

[deedee36]

my lonliness bothers me most. How do you make friends at my age? Most normal human beings have already formed attachments and made long term friendships. I have none. I don't even know how to begin. I don't want to go out bymyself...because I know everyone is thinking "look at that poor lonely girl"..I have tried going out a couple of times by myself...and it was so awkward... you just end up standing around by yourself hoping someone will talk to you...while your looking around pretending your waiting for someone who is meeting you...who of course will never come....and finally awkwardly leaving not long after you came...the second biggest thing is I can't seem to get over the hurts from the past...and that the people who have already hurt me so much continue to do so...I really tried with my mom...I told her how much she was hurting me...by not really showing me any love or acceptance....I told her how much I needed her love...and she still didn't and can't seem to give it to me...what am I supposed to do with that? Aren't I just better off letting her go out of my life....like I said I feel and am so utterly alone...it's so hard to let go of the last vestage of hope for change...I think I have kind of lost faith in people....no I have lost faith in people. I tried to reach out to people many times...and I am always rebuffed by both females I reach out to for friendship....and males I reach out to for more than friendship...I just feel like I must give off some weird vibe all the time that I don't realize. I want to connect with people...but I honestly don't know how to. I think I'm sort of bereft when it comes to simple social interaction or something...I don't know? I always hear about how other people "instantly" make friends at work or at school, and that just never happened/s to me...never did. I did have friends when I was a lot younger, but my family moved a lot,(plus the nasty divorce I already mentioned) and so I was always the new "awkward" kid, and grew weary of forming attachments and losing and them...and a lot of my "friends" hurt me in some way...lying to me, dating someone they knew I liked or was dating, using me for money or a ride, etc. Maybe it's about lack of trust for me too. I don't know what do you think?

[floating_away]

It always makes me sad to hear that people have experiences like that. I suffer from something similar, I have a very hard time making any kinds of connections with people. I don't know what the solution is, but I know that it's going to be different for each person. I think seeking counselling would be a good idea, although getting the courage to go can sometimes be an issue. It's never too late to start trying to live the life you want to.