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Doesn't make any sense....he's gone so cold


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Last week my boyfriend of almost 10 months broke up with me. It is such a long story but I will try to go from the beginning. Here goes....


We got together in May 2008 and things were amazing to begin with (as always!!), we spent loads of time together and both agreed we had never felt this way about anyone else before. 3 or 4 months went by and we had a few small arguments, nothing major but then his ex girlfriend gave birth to his son (I was aware that she was pregnant!!) and he started to push me away. His ex was only allowing him to see the baby on her terms and generally being difficult and he ended up taking things out on me and breaking up with me.


I tried to sort things out with him for the best part of 3 weeks, but he didn't want to know. That was, until I had to move back to university 200 miles away. I went to visit him before I left and he was really upset, he told me he realised he'd made a huge mistake breaking up with me and that he wanted me back. I took him back and that weekend he came to visit me in my university city. We went out drinking, he got extremely drunk and started accusing me of wanting to see other men behind his back, I was crying my eyes out as he was being so abusive and rather than stopping, he hit me accross the face and called me a * * * * . I was so shocked I went straight home and he followed. I showed him all of my emails, my facebook messages and everything just to prove how wrong he was but when he showed me his, I found private messages from 5 or 6 different girls, all of which had content which is totally out of order for someone in a relationship to be sending. I threw him out of my house but eventually he weedled his way back into my life and we got back together.


Various different things happened after that which seriously affected my ability to regain trust in him despite the fact he changed his phone number and only gave his new one to friends and family. Still, we stayed together and I did loads for him, lent him money despite not having much myself and forgave him for lying about things that I caught him out on.


Anyway, fast forward a few months and things were getting a bit better. A few weeks ago I sat him down and had a serious conversation with him about how I was struggling to regain the trust and how I was worried that next time I got upset about it he would snap and break up with me. He promised me this would not be the case and that he couldn't imagine being with anyone but me and that he would help me to trust him again.


However, a week or so later I used his laptop with his permission only to find he had removed the display picture of him and me on his IM and changed it to a picture of his car. Not only that but he had removed the automatic sign in feature and deleted his password from the box so it would not sign in on its own. I called him and asked him why he had done this and he came up with a half hearted excuse, saying he didn't want people talking to me and bothering me when I was using his computer (this wouldn't have happened as he sets his IM to appear offline). I said I didn't believe him and he said it was over and to get out of his house before he got back from work.


I came back to my university city and tried to reason with him but he said its over for good, that he loves me and wants to be with me but it will never work because I don't trust him. I know this isn't true though as I am working on my confidence and self esteem in order to help me to trust again.


I tried no contact for a few days but I crumbled and called him tonight, he was very abusive and told me to leave him alone. However, just the night before he broke up with me he told me he 'loves me to bits and never wants to lose me'. I can't understand how he could just change overnight.


I supported him through so much and forgave him for things that most people would see as unforgivable yet he has just thrown it all away over something he promised he wouldn't.


Can anyone give me any advice or insight into this? I've read people saying that men seem to get over things quicker as they have usually decided in their mind a long time before ending the relationship that its over, but in my case, there was absolutely no sign of this at all. He told me that he was going to save money up and get the problems with my car fixed for me, he said he couldn't imagine his life without me (he even went as far as saying he would be a quivering wreck without me), and even the day he broke up with me, he went off to work as usual, told me he loved me and would see me when he got home, yet 2 hours later he told me it was over and since then has pretty much totally ignored the fact I exist.


Can anyone help me to understand this??? I feel so lost right now.

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Please don't get me wrong here as I appreciate your reply but that happened 4 months in to the relationship and yes perhaps I should have left him there and then but I didn't and even though I'm hurting right now, I'm glad I didn't leave him as things did improve a lot in the next 6 months.


The reason I included that was to explain how many things I had forgiven in the past, serious things that like I say, most people would find unforgivable. Yet he has broke up with me over something which was no where near as serious as what he had done in the past.


I just want to try and understand why he is acting the way he is now. I can't turn back the clock to when he hit me, its too late for that. I need help with the present, not the past.

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Look at this guy's actions as opposed to his words. He may tell you that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but his actions clearly say otherwise. When you love someone you don't hit them, and if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. At best, this guy sounds unstable and manipulative. At worst, he's abusive and his behavior will only escalate. If he wants to walk, let him. You deserve to be treated better than this.

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Good for you for trying to understand what is happening. I believe everything everyone does makes sense from their point of view, though you may not see their sense. My guess is this is a combination of stuff for him. I think he felt responsible for your trust and abandonment issues and felt 'trapped' by that. That isn't actuality, but it's up to you to not encourage that delusion. By telling him that it isn't okay to 'snap' and get upset you encourage the idea that he's responsible for your issues. That's codependency and enmeshed boundaries stuff. You would need to learn how to handle and untrain him out of using his temper, which is quite doable, but perhaps you did not learn how that is done from your own family. I didn't and had to learn later in life.


It also sounds like he was projecting his own disowned abandonment issues onto you since this was such a difficult topic for him to deal with. And the way that he's dealt with it says to me that, like you, he is also struggling with self-esteem on a deep level. I think he is shutting you out because he is overwhelmed. Except that for him the way that plays out is by feeling trapped by a relationship. And for you it plays out in the opposite way - you get very anxious about feeling like you might be abandoned. This stuff is all learned before age 5. We tend to pick people who are opposite from us.


What to do about it..well begin learning. Get into counseling yourself. This will be a rough time, but a good time to learn. Leave him be and let the 'trapped' feeling dissipate until he contacts you. There are no guarantees, and it may be a while. In the meantime learn how to manage that panic the two of you create for each other. Either one can do it, without the others cooperation even. Validate his sense while at the same time making sure it is clear that his sense only belongs to him. Don't let him know what you're going through too much. 'Leak' the idea that your changing and working on yourself. Because another reason people go away is they think things are never going to change. And for a good while, keep your interpretations about him to yourself. That'd be a start. If you really, really begin to change your own side of the equation you can't lose no matter what happens. That's been my experience. Hope that helps.

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Thank you so much, this makes a lot of sense to me. I didn't mention it in my previous post but he lost his dad in a sudden and unexpected way 2 years ago, do you think this would be a reason for him having abandonment and self esteem issues?


He has said to me he doesn't think it will ever work again because he thinks I won't change but I'm already starting to work on myself so I believe things will be different I just wish he could see that.


I think I just worry that in the time we spend apart while I sort myself out, he'll start seeing someone else and I will lose him forever.

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I hope for your sake he does find somebody else. This man is an abusive , bullying coward. There may be many reasons such as the death of his father for his behaviour. However, it does not excuse his disgusting behaviour. He doesnt want you and will find it easy to find some other doormat to walk over.


HE dosent think it will work bacause you need to change. You want him to see that you have changed. This is a man who has made you miserable and made you question yourself. HE needs to change and YOU need to run away as fast as you can from this controlling manipulative bully.


I know it is harsh but sometimes the cold hard truth is the only way to stop women continuing to run back to man who treat them like * * * * .

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Yeah I know exactly what you're saying and agree with you to some extent but I DO need to change. I'm dragging myself down with my low self esteem, much of the reason I used to question him was because I felt ugly and fat and thought that he would clearly be repulsed by me.


This is not a good place to be and I know that now, so I am working on my image to get my confidence back. Not for him, but for myself.

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