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reliving past abuse and humiliation


misspeanut

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ok i'm just going to bite the bullet, so here goes,

a couple years ago my dad became horrendously emotionally abusive. i suffered a nervous breakdown (before the severe emotional abuse started), which was really severe- i all but completely lost my mind. as a result i was basically rendered bedridden for about six months, which was the time the emotional abuse and humiliation took place. i guess my dad's one of those people who thinks that people's circumstance's are their own doing no matter what- and no matter what the evidence to the contrary is. case in point, no need for detail but i seriously went crazy -in a bad way- during that time and while a couple other family members were not very sympathetic either , the very few other people i know who saw me at that time said i was clearly not in my right mind and there was something seriously wrong mentally (i.e. i was way beyond the "snap out of it" point). due to this nervous breakdown, i had no choice but to withdraw from classes and all activities, just two semesters before i was set to graduate, and again my dad acted like i had done it on purpose to cause problems. on top of that, the breakdown i had was somewhat a result of another mental health ailment that i'd developed over the previous years - as a result in part of past hostility in my environment- that had really taken its toll on my health. when it became apparant how severe this problem had gotten (ie when i had my breakdown and had to put a halt to all my activities and couldn't do anything for six months), although it was one of those situations where you'd think anyone who saw it would have thought "ok something is seriously wrong and we need to intervene for her," my dad's actions and words proved that his thinking was "ok something is seriously wrong, she's only doing this to cause problems and she needs to be punished." well he, over those six months, said some horrific things to me,things that don't bear repeating and that would leave the most mentally stable and healthy person taken aback, and someone as severely debilitated as i was then just in a state of shock and rendered unable to do anything. he made a horrific comment about the illness i was suffering that led in part to my nervous breakdown, mimicking of sorts how ridiculous and stupid he said i looked as a result of the illness, and then making a rude face mimicking how much more stupid he said i looked as a result of my trying to get better (in which case even the most empathetically challenged person i'd think would know that that's something you just don't do, especially when a person's in an incapacitated state). during that time he treated me like an out of control wild animal, such as when he practically dragged me onto a train somewhere and i had a "panic attack" then all but dragged me through the streets of the busy area where we went to, telling me i was rude (and that's the least of it), and that i was rotten, etc. that i guess is the gist of it but it was horrible.

well now that over a year and a half has gone by since the worst of it, and things have been getting steadily better since then, i've basically been able to put that abuse behind me and be pleased with the tremendous progress i've made, psychologically and otherwise, since then, (not perfect, but i'm getting there one step at a time). but on a rare occasion, as just happened, this past torture rears its ugly head, and it's tough. i don't like talking about it because i don't want to think about it, and sitting down with my dad and talking to him is out of the question. i'd rather just move on with my life (as i am, though as i said, sometimes it rears its ugly head, less and less so but it still happens). any suggestions on how i can put it behind me? in therapy, for this and other issues, in case you were going to suggest that. any support would be much appreciated.

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Probably you'll have to confront him to truly put it behind you.

 

The reality is, despite the fact that people are family, doesn't mean they should be your support system, or that you have to spend time with them. In the future, perhaps you should limit contact with him, especially if you find yourself getting depressed again.

 

Another way to get past something = forgive. But try not to forget.

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I am sorry that happened to you.

I heard that forgiving someone for what they did to you is extreamly helpful, because you are allowing yourself to let go of what happened. In this case, because of how seriously you were hurt it is going to take more time for you to heal. You can go to local support groups in your area about abusive family memebers (emotionally or physically). Knowing someone out there feels the same way you do helps me a lot...

hope I helped a least a litte.

 

Good Luck Love

Ami

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I've been there so I know what you're talking about. I don't think you need to forgive him or any other family member that didn't protect you. There is no excuse for violence. YOU DIDN'T DESERVE SUCH AN ABUSE. NO ONE DOES. Put the blame where it belongs. Personally I've been feeling much better since I recognized that I am a good person and that I don't deserve any form of abuse. Express your anger or whatever you're feeling towards your dad during your therapy sessions or talking about it to a friend. Share what you are going through with someone you trust. The next step would be to take a distance from your abuser, especially emotionally. Don't let him ruin your life. It's not worth it. Everytime you feel abused or humiliated, remind yourself that you're a good person, it will help you take care of yourself.

I would also suggest you to read some book by Alice Miller, they've helped me a lot.

 

Remember THERE IS PURPOSE FOR THE PAIN.

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You do not deserve any of this, and I know EXACTLY what it feels like to be told "your are causing all your own problems"...it makes you feel trapped inside your own head, wondering who cares and who doesn't, what's real and what's not...are you in a living situation with your father? If so, my best suggestion to you would be to make your best effort in moving elsewhere, with a family member, friend, etc. Also, do you currently see a therapist for the breakdowns, panic attacks, and abuse your father causes? It sounds to me like you have PTSD....

 

I hope it gets better, and always remember you don't deserve any of it, and never believe a thing that comes out of an abuser's mouth.

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