I don't think its appropriate

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Hi Guys,

 

Here is my situation. Very good friends with a man who is approx 20 years older tan me. I don't notice the age difference as my BESTEST friend in the whole world is 44 and male. The problem with this other friend is that I know he fancies me....

 

We went out for a meal the other night which was nice, but he wouldn't let me pay for anything. Usually I pay my share, but he kept saying that he would be really offended and upset if I got my money out. I responded by saying that I would be upset if he wouldn't accept at least a few drinks on me, but he wouldn't hear of it. I ended up putting money in his wallet when he went to the toilet.

 

I am not attracted to this man in any other capacity other than a friend, and he has been a very good friend to me. He is single and he says he misses female company. He is quite comfortable financially, and a lot of girls have used him for this reason, and I always warn him about these things.

 

 

The problem is, when we were out he kept trying to hold my hand. I didn't feel comfortable with that at all. Even me and my best friend don't do that. I link his arm but thats it.

 

Then he insisted that we go for a drink round by where he lives, and I felt that he was "showing me off" to people who knew him, which I didn't like at all. When he took me home I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and I kissed him on the lips. I felt weird after that - actually a bit upset.

 

I like is company, and think he is a very kind person, but I can't shake the feeling that all the physical stuff was just innappropriate. It was just the way I felt sorry if it hasn't come accross in my OP.

 

I don't want to lose his friendship, but I don't want to go out with him again.... I just feel too uncomfortable.... He knows all I want is friendship.

 

I know he is lonely.

 

Another problem I have is my ex's comments about the situation. He looked a little concerned with the fact that I have so many male friendships. I confided in him that one guy tried to grope me a while back when he was drunk, (note me and my ex are NC), and he looked upset and asked why I would put myself in a situation where it might happen again, after I said he'd apologised. Do you think I am being used by men. My ex strongly believes you can never be friends with someone you fancy. Maybe thats why we are NC lol!

[empathetic]

I agree with your ex; it is very difficult to be friends with someone that likes you or that you like. Have you tried clearly explaining to your friend how you feel and how his actions make you feel uncomfortable?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It sounds like he's trying to make a move and turn this from friendship to romance.

 

If you're not interested, it is best to try to make it clear quickly and with the least trauma/drama as possible, as in if he moves in for a kiss or tries to pay, just say in an upbeat and joking tone, 'cmon now, stop that, we're just friends you know' and keep doing that every time he tries. He'll either then try to start a serious conversation and you can address it, or he'll get the point and stop.

 

People can be friends with someone they fancy, but the boundaries have to be very clear and understood, as in 'you're wasting your time courting me because we're just friends and it will stay that way.' Then he either accepts that or not.

[waveseer]

It is a "mild" form of taking liberties which friends do not do to friends. I am sorry to say that it's been my experience that once a man starts treating me this way it doesn't matter how good or how long we've been friends, our friendship is over.

[deleted_x]

It can definitly be hard to be "just friends" with someone that you fancy. But hoenstly, that's where self-restraint comes into play. I'd say have a talk with your friend and just be very open and honest about how your feeling. If after the talk, you don't think he will be able to have that personal self-restraint, that's when its time to consider calling it off.

 

Quick Note: Make sure that you aren't sending mixed signals. That's when it starts getting a bit... messed up

[karvala]

Do you think I am being used by men.

 

Yes.

 

My ex strongly believes you can never be friends with someone you fancy. Maybe thats why we are NC lol!

 

Well you'll hate me for saying it, but I think your ex is right. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen people (usually female) establish friendships with eligible (and sometimes not even eligible) people (usually male) who appear to want friendship, and it turns out that the friendship is simply seen as the first stair on the way up to the bedroom. At best, those situations become a bit awkward, but somehow the friendship stumbles on, at worst it turns nasty, and more usually it's somewhere in between, and the friendship more or less ends. If a guy fancies you, that will colour his entire interaction with you, even if he does so subtly (not in this case, clearly!) that it's not easily noticeable. You'll always eventually find yourself in those awkward situations, and it's worse when a guy won't apparently take no for an answer, as seems to be the case here.

[agent1607307371]

I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and I kissed him on the lips. I felt weird after that - actually a bit upset.

 

I've had someone do that. I cut them out. Especially as they were friends with my then bf. I actually felt violated.

 

I suffer this a lot (not to sound eogistical) as I like men and male company but don't actually fancy a lot of them. And I agree with Karvala. When they get like this, there's no longer a friendship to save as any move you make is run through their "I want her so..." filter.

Eventually they may take the hint but then they will just dump the friendship and behave as though they are the victim of evil womanhood.

 

The fact is, he knows you aren't interested, but because you hang around with him he takes that as an invitation to behave as though you are interested. He will ignore what you say, and read (heavily) into what you do.

[catfeeder]

It is a "mild" form of taking liberties which friends do not do to friends. I am sorry to say that it's been my experience that once a man starts treating me this way it doesn't matter how good or how long we've been friends, our friendship is over.

 

Yep. One person rationalizes while the other manipulates--that's not friendship, it's something else.

[Casey13]

If you are comfortable with this fib the easiest way to solve this problem with your 'friend' is to tell him that you have met someone who you are seeing and are interested in. If he asks you questions about this guy politely say you prefer not to discuss him until you are sure something will come out of it. His reaction will answer your last question whether you are being used by this man. If he respects what you told him and backs off and still makes an effort to maintain just friendship without hitting on you then you know he is not using you and is a worthy friend. If on the other hand he continues to hit on you or starts avoiding you then you can assume you were being used to some degree and he really didnt see you as friend material at all.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Well you'll hate me for saying it, but I think your ex is right.

 

I don't hate you for saying that. He looked genuinely concerned when I confided in him, but I took that as him still having a few feelings for me....

 

Another topic altogether though.

 

I think the best thing to do is just keep my distance. When I look at the situation I see someone who is very lonely and in need of some female company. But I shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable. I need to think about myself first.

 

He told me that he really misses going out with someone, (female), and that he really enjoys himself when he is with me.

 

Like another poster, I have a LOT of male friends and not very many female friends. That has always been the way, even when I was a kid. The last time I saw my ex I was speakng about my friend, (male), and he asked, "Does he want to shag you?" I was mortified! I told him no and he said, "Of course he does!" So I snapped at him and asked him why and he said, "Because its you...." He couldn't look at me. Now I think he meant that no way could any of my male friends love me platonically.

 

That and the incident with my friend the other night is making me re-think all of my friendships. I am very naive to think that if you show someone kindness and respect, they will show you the same back. But now I realise that that is not always the case.

 

I don't consider myself beautiful, although I do get complimented, I never take much notice. I have more to offer than how I look. I just wanna be friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

Stuff like this is why I am so afraid to let my friend know I have interest in him and want to ask him out. My biggest fear is that I am reading him wrong and that he is NOT interested in me. If I ask him out, I lay my cards out and that could mean my friendship with him, our mutual friends, etc., would go up in smoke.

[karvala]

Stuff like this is why I am so afraid to let my friend know I have interest in him and want to ask him out. My biggest fear is that I am reading him wrong and that he is NOT interested in me. If I ask him out, I lay my cards out and that could mean my friendship with him, our mutual friends, etc., would go up in smoke.

 

Well it would only go up in smoke if you then continued to try and use him in full knowledge that it wasn't what he wanted, which I'm sure you wouldn't do. If this is your fencing instructor we're talking about, btw, then I think you should worry far more about the opposite possibility after your flirting took a rather unfortunate turn.

[JadedStar]

This man doesn't sound like a real good candidate for a friend. It is obvious that he wants more and i agree with whomever said he is likely trying to show you off by taking you for rounds of drinks in his local place.

 

I think you should just chalk this one up to not eveyrone is cut out to be good buddies with us.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

This man doesn't sound like a real good candidate for a friend. It is obvious that he wants more and i agree with whomever said he is likely trying to show you off by taking you for rounds of drinks in his local place.

 

I think you should just chalk this one up to not eveyrone is cut out to be good buddies with us.

 

 

 

I think the problem is, he has been a confidant. I feel like he has taken note of all my ex's failings and tried to use that as leverage by doing the opposite.

 

I just think I will keep my distance. He is not a bad person, but is transparent in what he is doing. You know when you just KNOW that something is up?!

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Just to add. I actually feel guilty about discussing this, but just needed a second opinion. Thanks guys. x

[karvala]

Just to add. I actually feel guilty about discussing this, but just needed a second opinion. Thanks guys. x

 

Please don't feel guilty! Everyone's entitled to an outside opinion, and besides, if this thread wasn't here, I'd have had to do some work as well, so you can feel virtuous just for that alone!

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Please don't feel guilty! Everyone's entitled to an outside opinion, and besides, if this thread wasn't here, I'd have had to do some work as well, so you can feel virtuous just for that alone!

 

Ha ha ha!

 

This person has been really good to me in the past. I just feel bad that I have talked about him like this. But at the same time, I feel like he has put me in this position.

 

Finding out a lot about myself this year and we're not even a third of the way through it yet!

[karvala]

Ha ha ha!

 

This person has been really good to me in the past. I just feel bad that I have talked about him like this. But at the same time, I feel like he has put me in this position.

 

Yes, exactly. He may have been good to you in the past, but I think he's hoping for payback now, so don't feel too bad.

 

Finding out a lot about myself this year and we're not even a third of the way through it yet!

 

You could be posting in the LGB forum before the end of the year at this rate!

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Yes, exactly. He may have been good to you in the past, but I think he's hoping for payback now, so don't feel too bad.

 

Yeah - you're probably right to a certain degree. I just don't want to be taken advantage of, so I think I will stay away from now on.

 

 

 

You could be posting in the LGB forum before the end of the year at this rate!

 

Only if I somehow get lost on the board!

[catfeeder]

For what it's worth, I think you're making a smart choice. You don't want the guy getting all fixated on you--then you'd need to look over your shoulder all the time. That's unnecessary. There are plenty of people in the world to befriend who won't give you the creepies.

 

My best,

Cat

[JadedStar]

NOt all men and women can be friends. Sometimes if there is an attraction that person is looking to make it turn into more and only will keep the guise of friendship long enough to continue to try to make it into something more. These are not really true friendships. These are gratuitous because the other person wants more. It is kidding both of you to continue with them so i think it is a good choice to let it go altogether.

 

And furthermore, there is no rule that says we HAVE to be friends wtih everyone we have hung out with a few times.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Thanks Cat. I think I am best keeping myself to myself to be honest.

 

I just got a text off my best friend in the world. He suffers from manic depression and has all of a sudden took a downwards turn. We were supposed to go out tomorrow night to see his favourite band, but he has had to cancel.

 

We saw each other a couple of weeks ago, (he took me out for my bday to see one of my favourite bands), and was in great spirits, but all of a sudden he has just dipped. Very concerned over this now.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

NOt all men and women can be friends. Sometimes if there is an attraction that person is looking to make it turn into more and only will keep the guise of friendship long enough to continue to try to make it into something more. These are not really true friendships. These are gratuitous because the other person wants more. It is kidding both of you to continue with them so i think it is a good choice to let it go altogether.

 

And furthermore, there is no rule that says we HAVE to be friends wtih everyone we have hung out with a few times.

 

See the problem is feelings can be fleeting. One minute you can be infatuated with someone, the next you can be really into someone else.

 

We work in the same building and dn't socialise often. Maybe a couple of times a month if that. I think it will be easy to faze out but I feel a bit cruel doing it. He's not a monster - just a blke who's a bit lonely.

[catfeeder]

[...] We work in the same building and dn't socialise often. Maybe a couple of times a month if that. I think it will be easy to faze out but I feel a bit cruel doing it. He's not a monster - just a blke who's a bit lonely.

 

I understand the cruelty issue, but most people who are lonely are that way for reasons your kindness can't 'fix'. Often it's because they manipulate--and most people resent that, such as yourself.

 

You can't put this on your shoulders; it's not healthy to assume a social worker position for every person who needs to learn social skills. Once someone fixates on you, your role is useless anyway--so avoid that, be a 'nice' coworker, and be busy too often to see the guy. He'll either get professional help on his own or learn a lesson about manipulation--or not. That's his issue to resolve, and not even the best therapist in the world can make his choices for him

 

In your corner.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I understand the cruelty issue, but most people who are lonely are that way for reasons your kindness can't 'fix'. Often it's because they manipulate--and most people resent that, such as yourself.

 

You can't put this on your shoulders; it's not healthy to assume a social worker position for every person who needs to learn social skills. Once someone fixates on you, your role is useless anyway--so avoid that, be a 'nice' coworker, and be busy too often to see the guy. He'll either get professional help on his own or learn a lesson about manipulation--or not. That's his issue to resolve, and not even the best therapist in the world can make his choices for him

 

In your corner.

 

 

I have lots of male friends. Some are quite a bit older, some are married, some have gfs, some have bfs. I think my ex was right when he said I should be more careful. I always attributed that line, "Because its you" to the fact that he sees me differently to other men anyway. I dunno.

 

I'll just keep my difference. He works late, so maybe if I work 8am - 4pm it'll be a good excuse not to see him outside of work.