wandererlust Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 ...anybody ever go through one? You can read my previous posts about things that have been coming up for me and this man I am "with" but I finally had my "AHA" moment and realized that I am thick in the middle of an imaginary relationship! We talk almost every day, sleep together, have a lovely connection, he loves my kid, etc, etc but there is little to no effort on his part, he has always been resistant to commitment, "can't accept love", always has plans to move away but never materializes, runs hot and cold (tells me he's getting attached to me then decreases contact with me) etc, etc... but I love him and now have to pull back and see what happens...can anybody share some wisdom? Everyone who has replied to my previous posts has been so helpful and inspiring, thank you! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Be prepared to lose him forever once you pull back. I dealt with a similar situation and the minute I pulled back to see if he would realize that he needs to put in more work, he just found someone else. If a "relationship" fails because the person who is doing 90% of the work finally decides to back off, then it wasn't a worthwhile "relationship". There are some people who just want a "relationship" at their own convenience...they want the other person to chase after them and they don't want to put in an effort. Once that person stops chasing the "relationship" ends and the one who did not care to do the work simply finds another person who will "drive the bus". So I would suggest that you accept that this relationship is over and look for someone who will indeed put themself out for you and give 100% to the relationship. He may, however try to get you back into the fold by being temporarily attentive..but then revert back to type once he has you back. Link to comment
wandererlust Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Do they just fizzle away like that after a year of this kind of relationship? Just seems bizarre to me....so if after a few days and I don't hear from him, I shouldn't call or anything? After all that? I guess I'm a little stunned at the possibility, but maybe to heal I should start to prepare myself... Darn, I really, really like him though, grrr! This is going to be tough to get over....real tough. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Do they just fizzle away like that after a year of this kind of relationship? Just seems bizarre to me....so if after a few days and I don't hear from him, I shouldn't call or anything? After all that? I guess I'm a little stunned at the possibility, but maybe to heal I should start to prepare myself... Darn, I really, really like him though, grrr! This is going to be tough to get over....real tough. When someone is only in a relationship out of convenience and they don't want to put in an effort, it means they are ambivalent and could take it or leave it. They are only interested in the benefits, not the person herself...so once the person stops giving and the benefits stop, he will look for someone else willing to give the benefits. It is only if he truly loves the other person will he wake up to what he is losing and make an effort. In other words, by backing off you will be able to see if he truly loves you and just took you for granted, or if he couldn't care less and just wanted the benefits of having a person around to stroke his ego. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I disagree with this, I think that if you pull back, it will make him want you even more, seeing as you are the one who is always chasing for more. This is a constant ego-boost for him. I had this going on for a year and when I didnt want to know anymore, he then wanted me (but he still didnt really have anything to offer me), but I had realised since that I never really wanted him in the first place. He still tries to contact me now and its been well over 6 months... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I disagree with this, I think that if you pull back, it will make him want you even more, seeing as you are the one who is always chasing for more. This is a constant ego-boost for him. I had this going on for a year and when I didnt want to know anymore, he then wanted me (but he still didnt really have anything to offer me), but I had realised since that I never really wanted him in the first place. He still tries to contact me now and its been well over 6 months... It doesn't always happen that they want you more just because you pull back...also, often when you pull back and then they "want you more" it is not really that they want you more for anything substantial...so it is not really a flattering and healthy "wanting you more" it is not about them coming to their senses and realizing how much they missed you. "Wanting you more" and running after you simply to get you back into the fold is meaningless and not something to wish for...because ultimately it causes more pain and confusion over time. Link to comment
alcide Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Just bear in mind no matter what true love never dies, until death and everything happens for a reason, If his there for you you woll gain him BACK. Link to comment
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