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scarlettcrush
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years-

convinced he was my soulmate, deeply deeply in love.

He proposed.

I moved from Atlanta to Orlando when he asked me to move in.

I worked while he finished college. (2 more years) I had a great job, lots of money, kept the house clean, kept us both happy, fed, did all the woman things and took care of everything I could. About once a month there would be a large argument that would lead to him physically abusing me. After there was always apologies, promises to get therapy as soon as he graduated and could get a job. I trusted him.

He had been cruising on the internet as a "single" guy pretty much the whole time we where together. It upset me sometimes, but I mostly let it go. 6 months before he graduated he actually saw someone from the internet, second visit to her I busted him.

We broke up then, but when I made the move to get out of the lease, move out from him, on with my life ect. He did everything to get me to stay, including suicide threats if I left. I stayed....

On the holidays he gave me an engagement ring in front of his family. I cried, I'm crying now thinking about it.

I lose my job after the holidays-takes 2 months for unemployment to come through. I have less than half the money I made, and am very depressed.

Five months later he graduates from college.

Those last six months where ok, he fought with me a lot about stupid things the abuse stepped up, I wrote it off to college pressure and my depression.

Two weeks after he graduates he breaks up with me.

He wants to keep everything we accumulated while we where together.

He wants me to stay on the lease and pay half of everything until the lease is up. ( 3 more months )

He wants me to still talk to him, to move my things out of the main area, to let him know when I will be there and gone so he can have company without it being awkward. He moves everything into the second bedroom and makes himself a little efficiency apartment with the futon, the media center, tv, cable, dvd, video games, this happens 2 days after the break up.

 

I end up staying with a mutual friend, Drew.

Drew went to college with my ex. My X failed a few classes and took 4 years to graduate from a 3 year computer animation degree program. Drew went straight through.

Drew is handsome, tall, thoughtful, romantic-

 

you see where this is going right?

I end up "with" Drew- who is essentially in the same circumstance I was prepared to go through with my X.

He is going in the same direction with me, wants to live together, have a life, get married, have a family, ect.

 

god there's more...

 

The X was threatening, bullying, and as you can see, demanding everything with NO regard for me. I try to talk to him, he threatens to sue me, he threatens to call the cops and report my drug possession. I have a quarter bag, weed is something we both smoked through our whole relationship. The only reason he didn't have any for me to call on is--I bought it always.

 

So on recommendation of the police I file an order of protection from domestic violence for the X. He ends up moving out, at court...

well I won. I won everything, he was abusive and his mother testified in court knowledge of 2 years ongoing physical abuse.

I get the apartment and everything in it.

more drama happens and I have to move out early

he shows up 2 days before move out day with his new girlfriend and police.

new girlfriend comes to find me and talk to me- along with her 3 year old daughter.

i want to tear her hair out, end up talking to her and telling her that the abuse is real.

She ends up stealing from me, there's a police report, now there's a warrant out for her.

 

8 months later I'm still with Drew.

For 3 years I worked for real estate company as the receptionist, they messed up my taxes by filing me as a 1099 and I had to appeal to the government for unemployment and stuff. Now the government tells me everything was wrong and now they are classifying me as a regular employee and I have no idea how to do my taxes.

There's crap going on with some old student loans and I want to go back to college.

I'm still on unemployment.

After 8 months Drew still doesn't tell me he loves me.

I got problems that therapy isn't helping.

though I did get the state to pay for a therapist, I'm seeing her this Saturday.

I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to act...every day.

I think about the X, all the time, I miss him like a piece of me is gone.

I don't know how to act or what to do. I don't know how to live, and I keep looking for books to tell me, when do I wake up, what do I say, what should I accomplish...

I feel horrible, unfinished, zombied

 

I don't know what to do. i don't know who I am

I keep trying to leave, he wants me to stay

I want to stay-

I'm 36, I want a family, a husband, a college education, someone to love me. I want someone to love me so much

I want to be special

I want to be whole

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oh sweetie...i feel your pain. you are overwhelmed. glad you are going to see a therapist...they can really help. you have to take a step back and prioritize. first things first. therapy, check.....put the family, husband, college and love on the back burner. you need to love you first. the x has beaten you down to a pulp...emotionally. you are special. you are whole....you just have a lot of gray right now, so you can't see the 'whole you'.

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