Left for someone else... how do I let go

[chargersrus]

I was in a relationship for 10 months with a girl that was everything to me. We met and it was the closest thing to love at first sight I've known. Since the night we met and saw each other we had what to me was a special connection. The relationship progressed very fast and intense. I was in love for the first time in my life (and I've had a few 3-4 yr. rel. before this). It was just something about her that made me feel weird inside in a good way. We spent pretty much all our free time together and did everything together. She lived with me from about 3 months in on. She used to say and do all kinds of things and talk about kids, marriage, how thankful she was to have me and how wonderful i was.... how she was so glad that she had finally found the one.

 

Some time goes by and she starts to argue more and more. Looking back, this was probably amplified by all the time we spent together. Then I started getting blamed for everything. I didnt really change, but all the things I used to do that made me the one....now pissed her off. If i asked a question it meant that I was making a problem out of everything. She now decided to go off and start persuing her own hobbies more and I did so as well on the weekends and we would come back together when we were done. So all is good I think, but the arguing and her constant blowups at nothing kept coming. Soon she started staying back at home citing that she missed her family and hadnt spent any time with them lately and that I had been keeping her away from them. This wasnt true, I never stopped her from seeing her family and went whenver I knew we were invited to anything. After a while, she lied to me one day about where she was and I found out she wasnt. We had a blow up and then she broke up with me. 3 days go by, I didnt contact her. She texts and we meet up to talk. She says how sorry she is about everything and that she really loves me and I am the one and she is in this for the long haul and that she has alot of changes to make and she knows this.

 

Two weeks go by....everything is going good. Then one night she picks something small and blows up! She leaves the next morning saying she needs time to cool off but she will be back the next night. Never saw her again.....

 

After a week of not hearing from her I call her up and she breaks up with me becuase she just cant do the arguing.

 

Now during the last few weeks her phone has buzzed nonstop day and nite with texts. She used to leave it laying around wherever and check it ever so often.... now its permanently attached to her. She will not leave it around me and even takes it to the bathroom with her. The texts just never stop. Supposedly its her girlfriend. They did text each other a few times a day, but nothing like this.... I mean its probably 20 text per hour now. So im suspicious, but I dont have any reason to think otherwise.... SO i believed her.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks after break up. I have not contact her to speak of since she broke up with me. No call, no begging, nothing. I find out she is seeing some guy. So now Im kind of pissed because I realize the texts were her talking to another guy in front of my face.... and the time she wanted to go stay at home to spend with her family was so she could go see this other guy. This was confirmed by some other factors, but I wont go into that.

 

Now 6 weeks later she's moving to Europe with this dude that she hasnt even been with 2 months.

 

 

I dont know why, but I cannot get her off my mind. It hurts really bad. She was everything I ever wanted. She was beautiful, funny, and had a great personality. She just fit right in with me. I did treat her good. She didnt have a job for the most part of our relationship and I supported her. I showed and told her everyday how much I loved her. I really respected her and considered her my best friend. We were so close or so I thought. I never gave her a reason or did anything bad to want to just up and leave.

 

I did think it was funny that at her age (early 20's) she had had more jobs than most 80 yr olds. She seemed to always bounce from one job to next but this was just what I gathered from her. She was very ADD she couldnt really concentrate on one thing too long before bouncing to another and she would go through stages where one thing would be so important and she would become completely consumed with it 24/7 until she got bored and then move on to something esle.

 

Please.... help me to get over this. She stabbed me in the back and went off with another guy Im pretty sure she was seeing while we were together. I just cant get her and hurt to go away. I know she's gone....she's in another country shacked up with her new bf as we speak. Help me to let go.... because after 2 months now I dont think it could ever be fixed. Not that I could go back after her being like that with someone else....It makes me sick to think about it. Thanks

[EQD]

Well the other man explains why she started to push you away.... this girl just wasnt who you thought she was.

[chargersrus]

I want to say no no no your wrong she really loved me...... but I guess your right. Its so hard to believe someone you are so close with and that has told you so many things can just up and do this. I think it is interesting that she tried to pin the blame on me and try to make it look like my fault for breaking up when she was just doing all this as an excuse to walk away with the new guy. Theyve been together less than 2 months and she up and leaves the country with him? * * * !

 

I wonder if she will ever look back and realize what she threw away or that how much I cared for her for the right reasons and she f'd me over.

 

At 2 months in now with the current situation I dont expect her back or to hear from her....?

[EQD]

if i were you i would assume that she will probably be blissfully ignorant of the gem of a man she left behind, and she will continue to make herself miserable hopping from one thing to the next for a long long time.

while you on the other hand will find someone more worthy of your time.

 

as hard as its going to be you need to decide this very important thing for yourself, and learn from this.

This woman has shown you she is decietful and unreliable. Would you touch the burner twice in a row when you know its hot and burned you already?

thats the same as taking her back if she has a mental and emotional 'flip'

 

Dont take her back, because its very likely she will just hurt you again.

[Casey13]

I know that there are not enough details to support this fully but speedy attachement, superficial initial charm, constant blow ups, blaming you for everything, mood swings and the million jobs could be a sign that she is not all that mentally stable. She could be suffering from a mild form of mental/personality disorder but its just a guess. If you havent changed and what she use to praise you for now pisses her off for no apparent reason this is a sign of some form of mental instability.

 

For the second issue that she left you for some other guy and is moving to Europe with him. Quick beginnings most often result in quicker endings. I can almost assure you that she will be on a plane ride home from Europe in a few months time after this rushed relationship doesnt work out that she is in right now. Chances are good she will probably even be knocking on your door when she realizes that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Until this happens take some time to reflect on the relationship more deeply and ask yourself if shes really worth it because underneath all this superficial charm and attraction it really doesnt seem like shes got very much stability and internal substance.

[alcide]

Don't worry you can't really let it go so easily, but time is the best healer, wait just when she starts calling you, life don't always seem what they appear to be, never build your life around one person, just live life as it comes.

 

Just try to keep your self occupied, when the thoughts of her comes rushing block it with the negative thinking, "is it worth it, i am better off, look the girl might b having fun, while am suffering, no thats not worth it" say those things to your self, go out have fun, do things to keep ur self occupied.

 

But bare in mind what goes around, comes around, so she hurt you with someone else, who knows that same some one else might do her worst than just leaving her, life has a way of back firing in our face after a while, best of luck.'[[]

As for me i it 4 yrs and im still not over him, but i know some day il get over him, im trying. I'm seeing someone else, im not talking to him, im not worsting my time getting back at him, and i live large so he can see what he is missing.

[chargersrus]

Do you guys really think I'll hear from her again? Since we broke up there have only been 1 time we've talked by txt msg and that was "supposedly" her looking for something she thought she left at my house. I respectfully replied short and to the point - no insults, no questions, no greetings. Thats been a month ago. She totally cut me out of her life and I have kept my distance. I have made 0 yes 0 attempts to contact her since the night we broke up.

 

Thanks for the kind words guys..... I know she isnt good for me. Its just hard to believe that I'll find what I thought I had again.... and if I do can I believe that its real because I thought this was.

 

I have been seeing someone casually. Nothing serious, but we hang out. She really likes me and is a little older than me. She really wants to be with me, but my heart is in a million pieces so to me right now I just feel nothing. Im not trying to lead her on, just keeping it fun for right now. She treats me really good and adores me so Im trying to give it some time. Im hoping she can prove to me that there was so much I never knew my ex didnt have.

[osterfanish]

It sounds like your ex could have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) at some level. Someone posted this a couple of weeks ago and it has really helped me understand my ex and her behavior:

 

link removed

 

Granted, one will probably look for some sort of vindication there - I know I have - but it has also helped me understand why she acts the way she does.

[chargersrus]

oster-

 

yes I have read up on that and she does exhibit alot of the key traits that go along with it. The thing is when I met her she had been single for a long time so I dont know why just now she would start man hopping. Oh well I will never really know the true answer to this or alot of things. I bet alot of this she cant answer why. She's the kind of person who wants to do what is fun right now or take the easy way out ...... whatever is good at the time without thinking things through. I would assume what she pulled with me may be the same way. ?????????????

 

I dont want to be hostile, or mean or a bad person but I have so much wanted to contact her now that I've found out the whole story and really let her have it. But as cold hearted as she was to do this to me I doubt my words would phase her.

[pushforward]

It's best to leave things unsaid. You're not in a healthy state of mind. Your ex is only doing things she believes will make her happy and you shouldn't worry if she suffer from some mental illness. It doesn't make the hurt any less and it doesn't give her a valid reason to be who she wants to be.

 

You have to accept that she's made these choices and they do not reflect who you are. You gotta take the focus off what she's doing and reinvest time/focus back on to you.

 

Also spend less time on about how she betrayed you. You don't have any concrete proof that she actually saw this guy behind you back. The more time you spend imagining what she did and what she's going to do, you're going to be in this vicious cycle.

 

It's great that you want to let go, everybody has different things that help them cope. What I recommend is trying new things and finding out more of what you like to do, any passions, hobbies or reconnecting with old friends. I know of a guy who thought the same thing you did, went through something similar, I tried to help him as best as I could. The guy is stuck in the same cycle over and over. Trying to guess why she did what she did, get answers from her, keep breaking and hurting over it.

 

Today, he's got a twisted perception of reality and I stopped talking to him because of his skewed point of view. What I'm trying to say is. Don't guess, don't try to find answers, just give up. It's a lost cause. There isn't any point in speculating your ex's motives or actions. It's over. She is who she is and you are who you are. Any mental disease won't justify her actions, any answers won't ease your pain, more than likely intensify it.

 

Just drop it. Let it go. Walk away. She's made her choice, it's time you made yours or hang on. Get dragged down, drown, suffocate, and learn the hard way. You don't want to be like this in a year from now, maybe even years. Plenty of opportunities to help yourself, up to you where you want to go with this.

[sad_panda]

It sounds like your ex could have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) at some level. Someone posted this a couple of weeks ago and it has really helped me understand my ex and her behavior:

 

link removed

 

 

This sounds like me. How do I get help?

[RickRick]

Wow. Just wow. This describes what *just* happened to me 100% down to basically every last detail. We should talk sometime, maybe it would help to talk to someone that had the same exact experience. What's the best way to get into contact with you?

[osterfanish]

I think sometimes people can become involved w/ someone else relatively quickly after a relationship technically ends - not necessarily during the tail end of one, or even during one. In the case of my ex, she most likely (I am 99% sure) had someone else waiting in the wings, but am definite that she didn't actually cheat on me, physically. And yes, it is the easy way out for them. I think my ex had broken up in her mind with me sometime before she actually had the courage to do it, so it was easier for her to move onto dating and/or relationship. And, as has been posted on here by several people, sometimes people are just sort of relationship addicts - jumping from one person to the next...a type of serial monogamist. In the end, though, I think these people never resolve their own issues if that kind of behavior keeps taking place, and the next person their involved with faces the same thing.

 

I hear what you are saying about wanting to contact your ex and find out the answers to things. I am day 28 of NC after her breaking up with me back in November. What I am beginning to realize is that there are no answers - not ones she can provide anyway. Answers they will most likely provide will not be what you want to hear (or already know) anyway, so it's not worth the torment to yourself.

[osterfanish]

This sounds like me. How do I get help?

 

Have you tried talking to a therapist about it? I mentioned BPD to mine, and it turns out that I have a lot of issues that feed off of those types of behaviors, so it is most likely not just you, so keep that in mind...

[chargersrus]

Well,

 

I've now gotten by the anniversary date, and 2 month broken up mark. She still ways heavily on my mind. Its actually quite annoying. No matter what I do she always come back into my thoughts. I cant stand it anymore. All the things she used to tell me and promise me. All the cute things she used say to me to make me think I was the most special one ever.... and now she can just walk away like nothing happened and be happy? It was all lies and to think she's probably somewhere right now telling him some of teh exact same things she told me. I got played for such a fool. She lined a new man up before she ever left. And yes, in the last few weeks she was talking to him and I found out they had been seeing each other. Just the whole situation doesnt make sense. I know I'll never get the answers and it is what it is, but the feelings and hurt of what she did are lingering longer than expected. She's now off in Europe with the new flaver of the month and probably doesnt even think or care about what she did.....just living in the moment.

[sad_panda]

Have you tried talking to a therapist about it? I mentioned BPD to mine, and it turns out that I have a lot of issues that feed off of those types of behaviors, so it is most likely not just you, so keep that in mind...

 

No, I haven't talked to a therapist yet regarding this, but I did see a therapist years ago when I had depression and anxiety attacks.

 

It does sound as if I have Borderline Personality Disorder, though. It also explains why I had depression and anxiety attacks in the past.

[chargersrus]

Some days are harder than others. I hate myself when I find me missing her. I hate the world for being such a cruel place and I find myself holding a grudge agains the human race! Arrrghhh!