epsilon2x Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 My girlfriend is out of town. She got really drunk and cheated on me. There would have been no way of me finding out about it ever and she could have easily kept it a secret from me. Instead, she called me up the next day and told me how horrible she felt and what she had done. She didn't just kiss somebody. She had sex with the guy. Short story, I broke up with her. We were both crazy about each other. I really want to forgive her, but at the same time I know, sex doesn't just happen. You let it happen. I just want everyone's thoughts. Because she actually came out, out of nowhere to tell me. That she's ruined a great thing and she wants me to forgive her. My normal sense would tell me just to never let her have another chance and move on. But the fact that it was a one time thing and she came to me almost makes me feel better. I sound so pathetic. Here comes the bad part. However bad I feel I'm not sure I'm ready to just forgive her. I talked to her for a couple hours and made it seem like everything is going to be okay. I feel immature when I say this, but it's only so I can cheat on her, throw it back at her, and see how she feels. I know there's this girl in my class that wants to be with me and she was really excited to know that I broke up with her. I know two wrongs don't make a right but this girl really hurt me and right now it seems like it would make things better. Any thoughts? Link to comment
ToodlePip Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Kudos to her for telling you, tbh. But the fact is that if you are to have a good relationship again with her, you need time to process what happened and your feelings about it. She also needs time to think about what she did on the naughty step. So I would tell her you are going NC and will be in touch when you are ready to talk to her. See how you feel in a couple of weeks or so. In regards the other girl, she's excited about you being single. Let's say you did get with her - you'd probably ruin any chance there through spite. I'd stay away from getting involved with her for the time being, again because you have unresolved feelings. Link to comment
DN Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Here comes the bad part. However bad I feel I'm not sure I'm ready to just forgive her. I talked to her for a couple hours and made it seem like everything is going to be okay. I feel immature when I say this, but it's only so I can cheat on her, throw it back at her, and see how she feels. I know there's this girl in my class that wants to be with me and she was really excited to know that I broke up with her. I know two wrongs don't make a right but this girl really hurt me and right now it seems like it would make things better. Don't do it. You already know why you should not. I know you are hurt and angry - but don't do it. Especially don't use this other girl as a weapon to hurt your girlfriend. Link to comment
Stereohead Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Don’t try and even the score. That doesn’t and won’t heal the wounds. It will only cause a bigger mess for the two of you (together and apart…doesn’t matter… . This new girl is just going to be a rebound and tool to heal. When in fact, the more “mature” stature of healing is actually not using and playing someone else’s feelings (this girl who seems interested in you… right after you broke it off with a girl you were crazy about. For now, in my opinion because she was honest and open about it…. Take some time to decide if you could ever forgive her. Let her explain herself and why she would be drinking and lead herself into a situation where sex became an option of activity while she was away. Right now, your mind is clouded by the simple fact of cheating and wanting to heal. If you give her a second chance, because you care for her, she needs to know she’ll have to regain your trust and this can never happen again, otherwise you’ll completely detach her from your life. It’s a risky move because evidently she led herself into that situation. The only reason I suggest thinking twice before you heal on the breaking up…is because she could have lied to you. Then again. When a person knows how you reacted the first time…I doubt she’ll be as open about it the second time it occurs (if I dose). Try to think about her motives, her personality, and dose it seem like it could be formed into a habit. I myself, disagree with cheating and agree with you that she led herself in the situation to cheat on you and have sex with some random guy… But try to keep an open mind about what was going on. If there was a falling out, If she was really feeling lonely and you weren’t available for her? Etc etc. put all options and reasoning you can before you decide you’re done for good. Granted, breaking up is the right move. But I’m saying, consider every possibility before taking the next step. While in my current relationship I actually learned you can’t just jam every person into the “stereotypes.” We see similar red flags in our past relationships and we jam any similar red flags as they will always do it. But it isn’t always true. People have cheated once and never cheated again… There was a falling out between the two people…and one wasn’t as “strong” as the other, they wanted company… This happened to a friend of mine… but afterwards they were so remorseful they broke it off with their boyfriend and explained what happened…Now they’re back together and stronger then ever. It’ll take a lot of understanding and forgiveness to repair the relationship-and I wouldn’t recommend it unless you truly believe she didn’t mean for it to happen. Whatever you do. Take the time for yourself and decide what direction you want to take your life. Rebounding is alright and all…but I’d be careful whose emotions you’ll end up hurting (maybe even yours) by just jumping into another relationship. Link to comment
top bloke Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Dont become like her. If you cant deal with her new baggage then get a new start with a new woman Link to comment
loulee Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 An eye for an eye doesn not leave you feeling elated.. in fact you are likely to sink lower and create more confusion guilt and other horrid problems.. you are both very young..not seeing her for a few weeks or so or not speaking with her atl all.while you absorb these feelings and what you really want to do (forgive or not ) will be punishment enough for her .She will be alone guilty and wondering like mad what your up to, wanting to be with you blah blah... that is far worse than a revenge shag in some ways...because right now she NEEDS your reassurance that you will forgive her...make her wait until you feel sure one way or the other and stay N/C until you do figure it all out. She shousl respect this choice as she has damaged your realtionship....you hold the cards...deal them wisely............ Link to comment
epsilon2x Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 In everyone's opinion. Does it make me any less of a man for giving her a second chance? Link to comment
DN Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 In everyone's opinion. Does it make me any less of a man for giving her a second chance?No, of course not. It isn't about being less of a man - it is about whether you can ever trust her again and whether her cheating means your love for her has been fatally weakened. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 No, of course not. It isn't about being less of a man - it is about whether you can ever trust her again and whether her cheating means your love for her has been fatally weakened. Yup. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive because I'd think about it and get mad every time I looked at them. It would be ridiculous of you to stay with her just so you can show her how it feels though. If it's gotten to that point, just move on Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 you want to get back at her? leaving her for good is the best way. if you get back with her and you do it, you are a cheater too. forever. Link to comment
epsilon2x Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thanks guys for your replies. I've realized I'm not going to get back with her just to cheat on her to spite her. We are currently broken up, maybe in a week or two my head will be on straight and I'll be able to think straight. As for now I'm going out with a new girl today. Who knows, I might find someone more special. The truth of the matter is. I do want her back, and I think I'd be able to forgive her. I just don't want to do it to soon. I want to go out and mingle a little bit first to know if I'm making the right decision. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 don't go back to her man. i beg of you. Link to comment
servedcold Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Agree with ghost, if there are no children involved or joint assets, cheating is generally finito. Ironically, the best revenge is fading out of her life entirely. Only then will she realize what she has lost, if she ever does. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 she cheated once....it should NEVER have happened once. Link to comment
Stereohead Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Meh. I still stand by if you really love her, give her a second chance, and that will be the last chance. I seriously think people give up too easily. Life is complicated and people do stupid things everyday... it makes it so much more easier to make a mistake when your drinking-be it because of stress/worried/lonely/whatever... By drinking you act on your impulses...not necessarily always what you wanted to do. Would you want to be banned from the person you cared for because you had the courage to be truthful? I could understand your opinion, Ghost, if she had lied about it and then he later found out... But she's being honest. I'd make her want to work for his trust more and show that she's committed this time to not allowing it to happen a second time. It's a risk...but when you love someone...you try to understand them. Nobodies going to be perfect, and I don't always agree, once a cheater, always a cheater. Because she'll now have to prove she WON'T allow it to happen again, by not drinking when she's not around you...granted that's a big one to ask...but drinking caused her to act on an impulse...she needs to be responsible and caring of everyones feelings. Basically, just think very hard about it. If you believe she's worth a second shot, do it. If not, then move on. IMO...everyones worth a second chance. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 In everyone's opinion. Does it make me any less of a man for giving her a second chance? No, but it makes you a fool. If you take her back, then you send her the message that she can let some other guy bang her anytime she wants, and you will always take her back. Cheaters don't change. Man up, and dump the ho. Link to comment
alcide Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Boy, don't do it, forgive your girl, it will hurt you in the end, the girl in your class is a devil stay away from her, no one is perfect, never fight fire with fire, if the girl in your class had cheat on you would she have told you? It takes a woman to admit her mistakes. Boy you have a good girl there, fix it, trust me or you will regret, when the girl in your class sleep with you, then she will leave you, then you will want you ex girl back but poor she won't take you back and you will leave to regret that moment. Link to comment
loulee Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 no one elses opinion on whethhr you should forgive her or not is relevant. you two are the ones that know what you really share together..If you believe you can get past this and really forgive her and the rest of your relationship is normally strong and healthy then you have to make your decision then. you also have to be brutally honest with yourself and question her desire to cheat in the first place....what is the underlying problem in you relationship Link to comment
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