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i just wanna feel something other than emotional pain


nobody88

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this emotional pain hurts too much, i wanna cut myself or punch a window. i just cant ignore it anymore. my heads so messed up, im going down the wrong road again. i started using drugs again when i shouldnt be cause im on probation. my drug of choice was marijuana but since i got on probation i started using harder drugs cause there only in your system for a few days. since i take medication for depression and bipolar the drugs are counteracting my medication. i feel like im spiraling out of control and losing my mind. i dont wanna go back to jail im only 21 yrs old. im scared and confused, i wish i had someone to talk to in person cause im so alone right now. nothing ever gets better even if i come on here and talk about all this stuff. im stressed and overwhelmed with everything. i dont wanna live scared anymore. being on probation is like walking on eggshells constantly. somebody please tell me its gunna be ok , please just talk to me. i wanna feel safe i dont wanna be scared and alone anymore.

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I don't know much about your previous posts, I am not the type to judge anyway. Unfortunately I can't be there in person either, unless you're popping over to the south of England for a spell!

Tell me, what do you like? What do you like to do? What are you doing and if you could do one thing (realistic) would you do?

I ask because it doesn't sound like you have a direction to walk in and stopping drugs and choosing a real life is all well and good (very much so) but it won't work until we establish just what you want and how we can help you get it.

XXXX

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i know what path i need to take but i dont want to do it alone and by myself. i dont have any support whatsoever. i have dreams ya know. i wanna finish my G.E.D. , go to community collage, meet new people (good people). get my own place and get a dog. and most of all get off probation. sometimes everythings just so hard i wanna give up. mostly cause im all by myself and dont have any support or anyone to talk to. i want to feel wanted, i dont feel like i belong anywhere and it really hurts me. its like im invisible and not important. i dont want this life anymore everydays like torture. all this might be my fault though, it probably is. i know im a nice person and im a giver not a taker, nobody sees me for that. i hate myself, im a big dissappointment to everyone and a loser. im not sure what to do, i dont see my counselor till monday, and i want to tell her this stuff but its hard cause im afraid of what she'll think of me. plus its just really hard to talk about my feelings. i need to get it out though. i know its gunna hurt more but i have to i cant take it anymore. i want to tell someone so bad. i never had anyone to talk to in my whole life so its hard for me to open up. i want to get it out now but there isnt anyone who cares to listen. im not even entirely sure whaht it is i need to get out. its just a lot of emotions that built up over a period of time. i guess i just need to share my emotions and thoughts with someone. just the thought of knowing that someone wants to know whats going on inside my head makes me feel a little better. cause no one ever cared about me like that.

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You can write everything you feel and want to say in a letter or on paper and hand it to your therapist, but you needn't feel that she will judge you, that's not how it works and she probably has a fair idea of it all anyway - it's her job. Besides, if you don't learn to open up, she can't advise you as she should and that will hold you back.

What you need is a best friend. You may not feel as though you have a lot to get out and what will come out might be of no consequence but a friend would listen and make light of it...where are your friends?

I can understand the problem with not wanting to go through everything alone but I feel the first steps are yours to take. Join a group, go back to college, meet people...baby steps.

So you are on probation, you won't always be so start thinking like it...throw away anything that takes you backwards or might ruin progress.

I'd try to remember that you are not a disappointment and you're not a loser, you're someone trying to pull yourself out of a muddy hole. You'll slip but you will get there. You have a good heart and obviously your bright with more strength than you know.

Everyone makes mistakes and you'll make more before its over but you can do this.

I have absolute faith in the woman you're going to be and I assure you that with hard work you will have everything you want.

If you want to talk please do, perhaps instant messaging is a start.

XXXX

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see all my friends use drugs so i trying not to talk to them because if i want to stop using i have to cut them off so because of that im very very lonely. but i dont think they cared anout me anyways. pretty muchall the friends ive known either used drugs or they just werent the wrong crowd

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We all do things were not proud of. I did things this past weekend i swore id never do. But it will help shape me into the person i will become so im ok with it in the long run. Doesnt mean i dont try to change my habits tho.

 

You came here looking for help and a friend. You recognize you have a problem and that is a big step. Its never to late to get help. Your gonna be ok. Message me if you need to chat. I will do everything i can to help you

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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

Have you ever thought about all the good that you have to offer?

Well you do, even if it doesn't seem like it to you right now, it's in there, just waiting to get tapped into.

 

Something crossed my mind while reading your post...

dunno if you'll like the idea...

but a it's chance to do something different.

 

And you say you want a dog, and to maybe meet some new people...

So my suggestion is:

have you thought about volunteering at a dog shelter?

 

Sometimes they need volunteers just to take the dogs for walks.

 

It's possible that this could be a really good way to get out and be around other nice people... not to mention dogs

(dogs really are such wonderful creatures, don't you think?)

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