Sex after breakup

[Sturmhouse]

Me and my ex are back together...Re-engaged, she has made her final decision on "me" an wants to marry me. She says she appreciates me more after having been away from me, and I've done a lot in the way of making the changes she wanted.

 

However, she dated a guy during our time off, and she got recklessly drunk one night and had sex. She says she regretted it the instant she did it, and was acting in the moment because he was showing the affection I failed to show her.

 

I believe what she says, however, she also said she never fell out of love with me which makes me feel a bit cheated on - even though "technically" we were broken up. I can't get over the feeling, and she doesn't like talking about it because it's an incident she regrets and wants to forget.

 

Any advice, tips, similar experiences?

[90_hour_sleep]

you were separated...let it slide. if you trust her...no need to press the issue.

[Sturmhouse]

Well...I told her during the breakup that if she slept with anyone that there would be no chance of reconciliation. I said that hoping she wouldn't do it in the first place, but what she did instead was have sex anyways and then lied to me about it because she was afraid I wouldn't take her back.

 

This has caused some trust issues, even though I know they're sort of irrational. She didn't give me details about her dating this guy, and she was airing her concerns about me to him two weeks before we broke up...sort of behind my back. There are some trust issues, but I really do believe she wants me and me alone - it's just an emotion that bothers me.

[wishingonastar]

You gotta just let it go....people make mistakes and she came back......it will get better over time and it won't hurt as much but the two of you can't move forward if you keep dwelling on that.

[Sturmhouse]

It's really hard. She's the only person I've ever had sex with...She was my first kiss...I never considered having sex with anyone else, it just hurts my ego big time.

[Decaf08]

When you broken up, no matter what feelings you had for each other, there's no "cheating", no rules, nothing written or mandated by law that states the behaviours for exes.

 

Never bring it up, let it be in the past. Otherwise digging it up would call on another stir of emotions and would lead to an eventual demise of the new relationship.

 

Just like how we tell others, "it doesn't matter if she loves you, she's with him"

we would tell you "it doesn't matter if she was with him before, fact of the matter is, she loves you, is in love with you, and is with you"

 

Take this new relationship as a opportunity to redeem yourself by showing the affection that she needs. Do not dwell or think about what has happened outside of your control. Bringing up the other guy and the actions is what she doesn't need.

 

All the best,

[Sturmhouse]

Gah...I know, I know...Dammit...I have such a bad history of doing that too, and I've actually been doing so good so far, I have been making her so happy with my newfound affection, but when I'm away from her (long distance) I think about it and dwell on it...When we're close it all melts away.

 

And for the record, she didn't want to tell me, but I could tell she was hiding something and I kept digging and digging to find out. But honestly, I'd rather know rather than be with her on false pretenses.

[Brownstone322]

However, she dated a guy during our time off, and she got recklessly drunk one night and had sex. She says she regretted it the instant she did it, and was acting in the moment because he was showing the affection I failed to show her.

 

I believe what she says, however, she also said she never fell out of love with me which makes me feel a bit cheated on - even though "technically" we were broken up. I can't get over the feeling, and she doesn't like talking about it because it's an incident she regrets and wants to forget.

OK, sorry to generalize, but let's reverse the roles: What if you had had sex during the separation? Not saying you would have, but would it really matter now? Guys are famous for meaningless sex that in no way reflects on their important relationships. Women are probably less likely to do that than are we, but they like sex too, and they value "intimacy" more than we do.

 

I think her story makes perfect sense, especially the part where "he was showing the affection [you] failed to show her." My relationship is currently on the rocks, and a large part of it is that I (for whatever reason) failed to show her intimate affection for an extended period.

 

Let it go.

 

If the same circumstances face me when she and I attempt to reconnect, I'm definitely gonna let it go -- because I will have deserved it.

[JohnGalt]

Yeah man. My ex keeps swearing to me that she hasn't had sex with anyone else since we've broken up. Like you, I was her first and she was my first. I understand completely how you feel and I would be sad if she had sex with someone else and then we reconciled.

I think only being with one person intimately is such a beautiful thing.

 

At the same time, I don't love her because of the intimacy. I love her because of who she is as a person and how she makes me feel. She's the most unique woman I know. So if you love the girl and want to marry her, you have to let this go.

[Sturmhouse]

I wish I had had sex with someone else during the breakup because then I'd feel like I was on a more level playing field. I wasn't her first, but I do feel like I saved myself for her and that's why it hurts the most. I guess what it boils down to is a discrepency between the importance of intimate sex. I see it as more than just an action, and she only sees it as more than just an action if she feels it's more than just an action (aka, with me). I weigh the importance heavily, whereas since she had no romantic feelings for the guy, it's just mistake. It just irks me to no end, because even if the tables were turned I think she'd be deeply saddened because her status as being my one and only would no longer be there.

 

The advice is well taken though, I have to let it go.

[odile]

I'm going to go ahead and play devil's advocate here.

 

Looking through some of your old posts (trying to get more story),

I don't know if you should just "let it go"... not just yet anyway.

 

My take on things is it just doesn't sound like in some ways, you just don't know each other that well.

 

 

 

There were definitely some positives to the relationship before (liking each others families, for example), and

it sounds like you both are missing some of what was comfortable about the relationship, but I'm just not entirely convinced that you have all of the right ingredients for a good marriage.

 

Primarily: good communication.

It's commendable that you're working hard to do the things that you think will please her (being more romantic, for example), but I think that some of the problem(s) stemmed from not really communicating with each other all that well.

 

I think before you two should take the plunge, it's time to learn how to talk openly with each other.

Really get to know each other, and get to the point where you both are able to discuss anything/everything that might need to be discussed.

 

The way that you feel about the sex that occurred over the break that you two had is a good example, on at least two points.

 

 

 

 

1.) She broke up with you, and hooked up with someone else rather than first talk to you about her dissatisfaction with your relationship and giving you a chance to work on it.

Instead, she talked to HIM, the guy she later hooked up with! This makes it sound like

A.) she needs to do a little bit of work on her own to determine why she took that path, and

B.) make sure that she's learned how to voice concerns so that you can tackle problems as partners.

Until that happens, you risk the chance of major upsets anytime she's dissatisfied (and this could be about any issue that comes in running a household together, besides the romance side of things).

 

2.)Maybe the unofficial unwritten rules say something about sex with others during a break officially not counting, but you did tell say:

 

 

So, she knew it was something important to you, but withheld it to get what she wanted.

This would make me uncomfortable, too. If you want to talk with her about what happened, so that you can work through it and put it behind you (and TRULY let it go), then she should care enough about the relationship to be willing to do that.

She needs to be able to trust you enough to feel that she can be honest, and respect you enough to allow you to know the make your own decisions.

By withholding and lying, she was/is essentially denying you that right.

 

I think she should have been-- and should be-- more honest with you.

And until that openness and honesty is there, I think you are right to be a bit wary.

 

You say you've been going to therapy, and working on yourself; and this is great, but how long was the breakup? How long has your therapy been? Has she been talking to anyone (I mean, besides the Other Guy and her friends-- I mean a professional)? Also, are you still long-distance (you know what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder...)?

 

Not really asking for answers necessarily, but my point is that 'Rome was not built in a day', and it doesn't sound like a couple of months and some sweet gifts are enough to have made right everything that was wrong about your last attempt at a relationship together.

 

So, my advice would be to keep working on it, and take it slow. Make sure you've really worked out these underlying problems (each of you-- both on your own and together), and get to where you can spend a lot of quality time together so that you will be able to feel really secure and satisfied with the decisions that you make. And do this before you jump into a potentially rocky marriage.

[alcide]

There's no big deal, in what she did you two were not together so let that fall, there are better things and bigger things to worry about, think of you holding that against her and she lies how would u fel, when you could have forgot about that a appreicate the secong chance God gave ul, life is short don't waiste your time.

[Sturmhouse]

What I could not communicate in my prior posts, is exactly how well we DO know each other. I know her better than her family does, and I can honestly say the same about her. We communicate well, and generally speaking are agreeable on almost everything.

 

Credit's due where credit is due, she used to communicate problems with me. I mean, we didn't really have many, but one in particular caused a stir for a couple days. I woke up one morning to a letter written on my computer desk, basically asking for more attention and a bit more effort. I had time to think about it, came to understand the problem, apologized, and made effort to fix it. However, once the problem was done and dealt with, I proceeded to make light of the situation. I'd drop a comment here and there, jokingly about how I was a bad boyfriend or something like that. I'm a very sarcastic person, and she knows that, but ultimately she took it as me making light of her feelings. Almost as if her feelings were a joke and not legitimate. This set off a trigger in her mind, because her overbearing, argumentative parents do the same thing. So, in reaction, she stopped telling me the problems (like she does with her parents, hiding everything). Luckily, like I said, we don't have many, otherwise this would have happened a long time ago. But, over time things just built up and built up, and in the rare instance she did try to confront me about things, they were little issues attached to broad behaviors - and they were aired in the form of an attack - to which I argued. My argumentative behavior then led her to believe that I was set in my ways, and refused to change.

 

Over time, she gave up. She admits to giving up, not being as proactive as she should have been, and lacking the wear withal to really lay it on me. Couple this with some emotional inhibitions I had (which made it very difficult for me to even comprehend the broader problem), and we end up with a breakup.

 

We were apart for two months, she thought I was incapable of changing and I proved her otherwise. Some of the change required real effort on my part, other changes came as a consequence of the emotional trauma of the breakup. I had never been hurt emotionally like that before, it showed me exactly how much she really meant to me, and why I should never get her presents because that's what she wants, but that I should get her presents because I WANT TO. The breakup really made me WANT to make her feel special. The other guy, she spent a few weekends with, some with mixed company, others alone. She insists that she wanted to get to know him, and ultimately hanging out with him showed her that she was taking me for granted. She said she got wrecklessly wasted one night, and ended up having sex with him which she almost instantly regretted. She said it was the turning point because she then remembered what I said and realized that she could have really f'ed things up and then I WOULD be gone forever. This is when she started to pursue me again. At this juncture, she has cried twice because of what she did and as given me a sincere apology. She says that she doesn't deserve me because of what she did to me and would never ever consider someone else. She says she now understands the meaning of 'true love' and that it's not just some romantic movie plot set on autopilot, but that I'm her partner and even when things get difficult she will love me anyways, unconditionally.

 

It makes me feel good, but of course I tell her...How do I know you're not just hiding things from me again? If there's a problem, how can I be so sure you won't just sit on it again?

 

She said that before she was utterly afraid to raise issues with me, but now that I have learned the concept of "if one person has a problem, there's a problem with both," she feels much more comfortable raising the issue with me.

 

Also, she is sure to emphasize that she was infatuated with this other guy because she had been so unhappy with me for so long...He was different than me, and gave her what I wasn't at a weak moment...She went head over heels for him, but really didn't love him and quickly learned where her heart lie.

[odile]

Well, she may be telling the truth as far as her feelings towards you are concerned, but I'd be a bit wary about someone who magically "changes" in ...how long has it been... 2 months?

 

She may have felt the sting of the lesson, but it might take a while to apply what she's learned.

 

I would have a hard time swallowing the words (even though they're what I'd wish to be true) until she's proven to me (over an extended period of time) through her actions that she's changed.

 

If I were to find myself in your shoes, and wanted to give the relationship another chance, I'd make sure that the engagement was a nice long one, and would also insist on couples counseling.

[Sturmhouse]

Well we don't plan to get married for some years yet....

 

But remind me, what is that she has to change? The only lesson I would like her to learn is that you don't sit on issues and let them go un-attended to. In totality, my behavior and reaction to open and honest discussions assist or dismantle any legitimate progress.

 

So, her lesson could have been learned, but if I don't keep my promise of being more understanding of her issues then we'll return to the starting block.

 

I think 2 months is plenty time to learn the lessons that needed to be learned (at least in my case). I have become much more sensitive, emotional, and affectionate because of the breakup. However, that's only one piece of the pie. The other stuff (discussion of issues) is something that can't be magically fixed, but needs to be worked on. Now that she knows I'm willing to work on it with her (before she was convinced that her problems were hers and not mine), I think things will be better.

 

The issues that caused our breakup are not really what's troubling. I'm just having a hard time coping with the sex thing...That's all.

[riley123]

I'm just having a hard time coping with the sex thing...That's all.

 

Understandable...to say the least. I had the same feelings about my ex-girlfriend for some time when we broke up or took "space" as she put it. We were each other's first and only, and more than anything else the thought of her sleeping with someone else is what gutted me when I was trying to heal from the breakup.

 

Of course, I never got back together with her and never will, so I have no idea if she has slept (but I assume she did) with others, but that's not the point.

 

My point is you need to ask yourself why is this an issue for you? For most guys it's just a matter of pride. I was proud of the fact that no other guy had ever laid his hands on my ex, it made me feel special, like I had something no one else was privileged enough to have. Was it nice? Sure, I guess. Was it important? No, not in the long run.

 

In the bigger scheme, it doesn’t matter and shouldn't matter if this is the woman of your dreams. There are so many more important things in life than sex, especially considering that this was a drunken hookup when she was feeling confused and torn about the relationship she has with you. And look at it this way, you two might have never gotten back together if that hadn't happened. It sounds like that knocked something loose (in her head, LOL) and she realized how much you meant to her. That says something.

 

Bottom line: nobody's perfect, even the girl of your dreams. We all have to deal with things and situations that are complicated. There's no such thing as a "Hollywood" romance where everything goes the way you want it to. Life doesn't work like that.

 

Do yourself a favor and try to divert your mind to something else when you think about it. In time, the pain and hurt your feel right now will fade and one day you'll wake up and say who cares! That guy got to spend one night with her…I have her for the rest of my life.

 

Good luck.

[Sturmhouse]

You're so right..and I know all that. I guess I'm just coming to terms with it. I guess the hardest thing is, she said she never didn't love me or never fell out of love with me - so - WHYYYYY? Why?!

 

A lot of it is pride. But I wasn't even lucky enough to have her to myself from the beginning, she had a boyfriend before me, and lost her virginity in her teens because she wanted to spite her parents. Both instances were terrible experiences, and of course I'm the best lover she's ever had. I don't even need her to tell me that, I know it. I guess it's just "one more guy" who couldn't keep her, but it still bugs me. Hopefully the pain will fade and I will do more than just understand that I'll have her forever, I'll feel it too.

[odile]

But remind me, what is that she has to change? The only lesson I would like her to learn is that you don't sit on issues and let them go un-attended to.

 

She has got to change certain inappropriate coping behavior that she has (e.g., trying to escape problems, rather than resolve them).

This can sometimes be a tricky one for people, and it can crop up in unexpected ways.

It's important to not just be able to be cognizant of the lesson that one knows one should have learnt, but to be able to get to the point where they are consistently able implement that knowledge/skill. This is what I mean by "prove".

 

In totality, my behavior and reaction to open and honest discussions assist or dismantle any legitimate progress.So, her lesson could have been learned, but if I don't keep my promise of being more understanding of her issues then we'll return to the starting block.

 

No doubt this is what she tells you.

 

Yes, it is important that you try to be understanding, and that you listen to her when she tells you things, and that she offer the same thing in return.

So yes, keep the promise to be a good listener.

 

However, each of you are entitled to your feelings on any given matter.

And each of you should respect your own personal boundaries, and needs, as well.

 

If the truth makes you uncomfortable, that's no excuse to lie about or hide it.

It's an invitation to change and resolution of some form or another.

 

 

I think 2 months is plenty time to learn the lessons that needed to be learned (at least in my case). I have become much more sensitive, emotional, and affectionate because of the breakup. However, that's only one piece of the pie. The other stuff (discussion of issues) is something that can't be magically fixed, but needs to be worked on. Now that she knows I'm willing to work on it with her (before she was convinced that her problems were hers and not mine), I think things will be better.

 

Well, it does take two to tango.

So there are the lessons that each of you will have needed to learn,

and, should you care to continue as a couple, the lessons that you will need to be learning together.

It's a lot to take in.

 

The issues that caused our breakup are not really what's troubling. I'm just having a hard time coping with the sex thing...That's all.

 

If the "sex thing" were just a "sex thing", it wouldn't bother you the way that it does.

This could be due to many possible reasons; for example,

Perhaps you are frustrated because you value sex (intimacy) in a way different than she (though that doesn't sound like it applies for your situation), or, you're subconsciously setting the "sex thing" as representation for the other issues/problems between you.

 

The "sex thing" will cease to be such an issue when the other problems are resolved.

[untouchable]

Sturmhouse...

 

I have been reading your comments and I thought I was listening to myself here. Check out my story , its much the same as yours but my ex doesn’t want me back...yet! I understand everything you’re going through. My ex actually told me about this other guy right when we got done having sex after our breakup, try that hat on! Of course I felt betrayed cheated on and all the other emotions that can go through your head. It's like how could she do that when i couldnt think of being with a girl at that time beacause i had strong feelings still, but your ex and mine could have lost theres a long time ago while sitll being with you, think from her perspective. This was a guy that I knew personally and went after girls like the one my ex had become after the break up, these type of guys preys on girls like my ex and yours at the time. I played it cool for the first few weeks and I was making progress with us, then I totally blew up on her one time when she didn’t hang out with me one time making her feel terrible about the situation she put me in messing around with this guy. It was the biggest mistake I could have done. I might just have blew the only chance to get back with her because she wanted to be friends first then see how things go, hey that’s better than nothing and it’s a better situation that I am in now.

 

My ex could have kept it inside but she didn’t, she grew a pair and fessed up to it. Better that than hearing it from that guy! Listen I completely feel where you are coming from I really do, those thoughts keep coming back into my head when I am not around her. I want to just call her saying how dumb she made me feel and want to ring her neck sometimes, but it would just keep pushing her farther and farther away, what good would that do? It will pass I promise you, you will always remember it but it will be less painful later down the road, I would give anything to be in your position again. If she does it again, kick her to the curb and at least you know you did everything in your power to try to make things work.

[Sturmhouse]

Perhaps you are frustrated because you value sex (intimacy) in a way different than she (though that doesn't sound like it applies for your situation)

 

This is most of the problem. The day she fessed up to it, we had a long long talk about it and she couldn't see why it was such a big deal. She said "technically" she didn't do anything wrong because we weren't back together, at the time she didn't think or know if we would ever get back together, she was wasted, the guy was attractive, and it was her choice. I said, right, well, I am intimate with you and only you because I love you. I am exclusive to you and I've never been with anyone else, and never considered being with someone else even during the breakup because I was still in love with you. In my mind it's not right to have loveless drunken sex and it really bothers me. You can't address what you did because it's done and over with, but you can address how it makes me feel.

 

She said it was just an action, there was no emotion to it and she regretted it and would like to forget it. I believe her, but what it boils down to is how we think of sex. I'm much more modest and obviously more selective than she is. It was probably easier for her to make that decision because she had been with someone in the past.