Crunch time in a relationship in which she doesnt want to commit.

[snarfsnarf]

WARNING! ACHTUNG BABY! LONG POST!

 

This girl and myself have been seeing each other now for 7months on and off. She is an old flame, we were boyfriend and girlfriend 2 years ago and got back in contact with each other a year ago. Seeing each other everyday, texting and phoning each other too. The first time we went out she broke it off pretty abruptly without any warning. I was devastated.

Things have got pretty serious these past 3 months (continuously/no breaks ) however as we shared our feelings about how much we love each other. She stays at my house, I stay at hers. I've met her friends, she has met mine. She is 4years younger than me and we are both studying at university.

 

Thing is, she doesn't want a serious relationship, "too much of a head-f**k" as she puts

it. She doesn't want the girlfriend/boyfriend tag. Fair enough I thought, I told her that I feel the same as we should be concentrating on our studies. I have met her parents and family many times, she however is “afraid” to meet my parents and family. Is this because she is actually scared or because she doesn't see a future for us, so eliminates the the drama of meeting my mum and dad and brothers. He never wants to go out for something to eat or to the cinema, “hate that romantic crap” she says. However we went out on Monday night, and were kissing each other all night. This was in full view of all her friends for the first time.

 

She regularly gets drunk, I mean every weekend and nearly every night during the week. Many times she has flipped at me and called the whole thing off only for the next day to try to retract her comments and wants to get back with me. She blames the drink. Wisely or not, I have always give in because I don't want to see anyone else.

 

I don't know if she really does love me, or if I'm just here until something better comes

along. If she really loves me why does she not want a relationship? I know that she has a

past record of dropping me with her mood swings. Does she want to see other people as well as me? Or is it that she really doesn't want to commit to anything.

 

The reason I have doubts about her seeing other people is that at Christmas while we were split up, she had sex with her first boyfriend twice. She told me this last week. I haven't confronted her about this as its none of my business as far as I was concerned she didn't want anything to do with me. But it has put the seed of doubt in my head as I now know she is prone to that kind of behaviour.

 

We were talking few weeks ago about our one night stands. she then went to look up one my one night stands on facebook. She called it off with me because she hated the thought of that girl "being with me". I told her that its my past and I cant change it. I'm over it,

and that she had no right to criticise me for my past record. That 1night stand happened

after she dumped me and before we got back in contact with each other.

 

I'm at the point now that I might just call it off even though I love her, but I feel we're going nowhere and have always had a small bit of doubt which has now become serious doubts.

 

So... as you can see I've many doubts. Maybe that's part of the whole experience of love etc. This normally wouldn't annoy me with any other girl, but I do love her so much and never felt this good with anyone else. But deep down I have always had a few doubts about her, is this normal? Am i a wuss for always going back? I want to commit, but have doubts about her.

 

Apologies for the longness of the post, but I felt I had to tell the whole story.

 

Can anyone offer me some advice, as I'm at my wits end.

[skarlet]

I'd say offer her a choice - being with you, or not being with you.

 

Being with you would include bf/gf titles, eventually meeting your parents, maybe someday getting more serious about the relationships, and not being habitually unkind when drunk. Tell her you love her, and this is what you want.

 

Otherwise, if she doesn't want to be with you, then let her go. She wants to play on the fence, she wants your affection and loyalty without giving any love or loyalty to you. She needs to make a choice, one way or the other. Let you know that you really love her and want to be with her, but if she doesn't, then you're going to let her go.

[dreamwarrior]

You seem like a nice man, and she shouldn't do that to you...geez there are so many women that wish they could get a great guy who loves them and here she has one of them and is just stringing you along....so sorry that is not nice of her.

 

She is worried about someone you slept with, but she can sleep with other guys and it's no big deal...and if you were not together then what is her problem...seems like she needs to grow up ALOT !

 

Best of wishes to you!!

[snarfsnarf]

I really want to be with her though. I know i shouldnt, as Bono says 'Love is Blindness'. I really dont know what im going to do. Maybe its the fear that i will be lonely without her or something that makes me want to continue with her.

What would you do?

[mca1975]

Ok, this girl is scared to commit so displays the pushing away/then needy cycle. I have been this girl and I'm telling you, she is scared or doesn't feel good enough to be in a relationship with you. Having said that, it's not fair on you- time to have a talk. I disagree with the poster who slams her for 'sleeping with men', they weren't together at the time and only one guy was mentioned and the op also slept with someone while they were on a break

[snarfsnarf]

Ok, this girl is scared to commit so displays the pushing away/then needy cycle. I have been this girl and I'm telling you, she is scared or doesn't feel good enough to be in a relationship with you. Having said that, it's not fair on you- time to have a talk. I disagree with the poster who slams her for 'sleeping with men', they weren't together at the time and only one guy was mentioned and the op also slept with someone while they were on a break

 

I dont know if shes been sleeping with other men for sure, but i know that every night she is out she rings me. Maybe she kisses other lads in the bar, but i dont think she has sex with them. But then again i dont know for sure.

I wouldve broken it off earlier, but she always seems to regret her drunken claims to break it off. We live an hour away from each other at the weekends and we live near each other during the week when university is on. She drove an hour to meet me on many an occasion just to see me and then drive an hour back home. I dont know what this means, I thought she did that because she loved me and just wanted to see me. I dunno. My head is fried and im going to finish it. Sound crazy, but i'll miss this drama now that we'll be apart. Ah well.

[dreamwarrior]

Ok, this girl is scared to commit so displays the pushing away/then needy cycle. I have been this girl and I'm telling you, she is scared or doesn't feel good enough to be in a relationship with you. Having said that, it's not fair on you- time to have a talk. I disagree with the poster who slams her for 'sleeping with men', they weren't together at the time and only one guy was mentioned and the op also slept with someone while they were on a break

 

The reason I have doubts about her seeing other people is that at Christmas while we were split up, she had sex with her first boyfriend twice. She told me this last week. I haven't confronted her about this as its none of my business as far as I was concerned she didn't want anything to do with me. But it has put the seed of doubt in my head as I now know she is prone to that kind of behaviour.

 

We were talking few weeks ago about our one night stands. she then went to look up one my one night stands on facebook. She called it off with me because she hated the thought of that girl "being with me". I told her that its my past and I cant change it. I'm over it,

and that she had no right to criticise me for my past record. That 1night stand happened

after she dumped me and before we got back in contact with each other.

 

If you were referring to my comment this is why I wrote that in my post...Honestly, we can only go by what we interpret in other people's writing.

 

And, if you were not referring to my post then cheers to you!

[mca1975]

"She is worried about someone you slept with, but she can sleep with other guys and it's no big deal...and if you were not together then what is her problem...seems like she needs to grow up ALOT !"

 

I can't create a quote properly! lol. No offence, but what I meant Dreamwarrior is that they both seemed to have slept with other people while they were apart. He was upset about her sleeping with her ex while they were apart, but they werent together. Plus she was upset about him sleeping with someone. True, she reacted in a different way. She was very jealous and acted up over it. Its the classic signs of an insecure person.

 

I'll bet you that she really likes the OP but does not feel good enough for him.

[snarfsnarf]

 

I'll bet you that she really likes the OP but does not feel good enough for him.

 

Do you think this is the case?

 

Im going to meet with her tonight to talk with her. Didnt tell her that we need "the chat" just going to call round and tell her how im feeling. We'll see how it goes. Any advice on how i should approach it?

 

PS

I love her but i don't want it to be just a bit of fun now and again. She loves me and I love her, so i want to be in a proper relationship with her. And after talking to her today she told me she may be going to America in september to live there for a year, maybe this is another reason to break it off.

[mca1975]

hiya, I was seeing a guy once for a whole year, he didnt want to commit, used to treat me badly and used to come and go which really hurt me, sometimes contact was like every three weeks, it was awful. Sometimes he never used to return calls for a whole week. He also used to tell me he may be going away for a year, which was a load of rubbish I think. Think it was maybe to keep me from thinking he would commit.

 

Anyway, I am going on my own experience as I have a commitment phobia, usually go for the wrong men, but now Im with a lovely one! However, its been hard. I was so stubborn about giving him any of my time and made a big point out of having my alone time, time with friends etc. I have been known to cause arguments with him, accuse him of things just so I could be horrible as I have hidden anger. I can be erratic, just like this girl youre talking about. But the minute I feel he is pulling away, I panic. It sounds like she does the same.

 

I think you need to be really firm with her but also reassuring. Just tell her how it is basically, that you really like her but you are not happy with the way it is. Ask her if she is afraid, and what is she afraid of. Just tell her you enjoy her company and would like to call her your girlfriend. Ask her if she's uncomfortable with that. If her reaction is bad, then you really need to just say that you will walk away in that case, but you wanted to talk to see what it is she really wants. Basically if you let her have it her way, then she will have it her way. She will have more respect for you if you say you are going to walk away. Hopefully, in an ideal world, she will open up a bit and let you know whats on her mind...

[mca1975]

I should add that with my boyfriend's patience and understanding of how I truly feel (have had to be very honest), we are in a much better place and its getting better all the time. She needs to realise what life will be like with you NOT being there.