septembermourning Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been together almost 8 months now. We are completely in love and committed to one another. BUT we keep having the same conflict over and over again and it is pushing us apart. I really am looking for advice on how to fix it. Some background: I am a very sensitive person by nature probably OVERLY sensitive. I have always been like this. I grew up with a critical mother and any criticism or questioning of something I have said from a boyfriend puts me into defensive mode as I do not want to be taken advantage of or controlled. Although, my boyfriend is a very loving and supportive person due to the nature of his job (worked to death usually 7 days a week) and his recovery (has to make a couple NA meetings a week) and his going back to college and applying to schools, meeting with advisors, writing essays, etc... he has been really stressed out and we have not seen each other much. He has basically told me that based on his stress load that he needs our time together to be stress free. I want to be supportive and help him through this but at what cost? I don't want to have to suppress my feelings all the time or be worried that our interaction has to be perfect. I want to be able to relax and be myself and not feel like it's the end of the world if I do something to stress him out such as voice something that bothers me in that interaction. Basically the conflict starts by me getting hurt or mad about something he has said and when I bring it to his attention, whether it be in a sad way or an annoyed way, he immediately flips out and starts saying that he never had bad intentions and that I need to not be so sensitive and learn to deal w/my feelings better. He has also said my sensitivity drives him nuts but he can learn to deal with it. But the way I feel, my sensitivity is what makes me ME and I don't want someone to have to DEAL with who I am. My sensitivity is a curse and a blessing; it means I get upset over dumb things sometimes and I worry about alot and I feel others pain but on the upside it makes me compassionate, loving and empathetic to others. I feel like he is being selfish by not listening to me or validating my feelings. He feels I am being petty and getting upset over dumb things and like he can't do anything right. He minimizes my hurt feelings by telling me I am just creating drama. But what I am really doing is trying to get him to understand me so he knows what to do to avoid hurting me in the future. He has told me to please stand by him because everything he is doing now is to ensure we have a solid future together and that he can provide for me and our future kids. I KNOW that is what he is doing and I really am supportive of him. I never get on him about spending time with me just sometimes have hurt feelings over remarks/comments he makes and tell him. Does the fact that he is doing all of this for us mean I have to suppress all my needs for the time being? or for years until he's done w/school etc.? Does that mean I can't get upset ever? MY BF is open to change to help things but with this issue we just can't seem to get it right. can anyone help? Am I being selfish? Is he? Is this normal? How do we stop repeating the same exchange? I know I can't change him, that I can only change my behavior. I have cut down on the things that I express to him that bother me but that doesn't matter either. Even if I bring one thing up and I haven't brought anything up in awhile that upsets me I get the same reaction from him so I am not nitpicking. Link to comment
DN Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 MY BF is open to change to help things but with this issue we just can't seem to get it right. Are you open to change? Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 In my opinion, you are not being selfish at all. A relationship is based on communication, if something is bothering you or makes you feel unease, you have every right to voice your concern. Yes, I understand that your boyfriend does not want any "stress", but why should you change the way you feel when you are bothered? There is no such thing as a relationship without any arguments. Even the best of all couples, will get into complications at one point or another. By bottling up everything inside, it will just make matters worst in the longrun. I know how you feel, because my boyfriend says that I'm the most sensitive person he has ever met. Although, I hate to be petty - if something is in fact bothering me, I will speak up. Maybe you can get one day a week to voice out your problems, and really come up with a mutual agreement. Say, you will try not to get mad as much, but he also has to listen to you and talk it through. It just wouldn't be fair on your part, to have to pretend that everything is just fine and dandy. Good luck. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I think you need to work on this "sensivity" issue to be honest. Maybe it's just the way you phrased things, but you just sound kind of exhausting to be in a relationship with- always getting upset, etc. I mean, what kinds of things does he say that are so hurtful? Link to comment
AmIafool Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 It would help to know what kinds of things he's saying that hurt your feelings. That way, we can better assess if you are overly sensitive, or if he is overly insensitive... Link to comment
septembermourning Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yep, that never changed. He was a bully and I have a tender heart and he was NOT NICE TO ME most of the time. He was critical and petty and I tried very hard to salvage our relationship but he was self-centered and did not want to do anything to help from his end . Bad relationship. Took me a year to get over the emotional exhaustion and verbal abuse and hurt from feeling used and never getting any kind of apology. So over this guy. And I hear he's engaged so I wish her well Link to comment
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