Jump to content

Two Steps Forward, one back...


Recommended Posts

So its been a few months of alot of contact with my ex... I tried NC and she would always suck me back in because I feel bad..

 

The latest is she went on vacation with the new guy and came back and rigth away contacted me to tell me she just didn't feel for him like me and doesnt think she ever will, but he is so nice to her and she doesnt know if she wants to risk coming back to me

 

She says that she is torn between coming back to the person she really loves (me) or staying with someone who is over the top trying to show her how much he cares (too soon to call it showing love)..

 

She told alot of lies after we broke up about being with him and so I just need the time to let myself heal and I honestly don't know if I would ever be able to handle being with her again, and quite frankly think I would be a complete idiot to do it

 

Anyway, I do love the girl and wish her the best and when she needs someone to talk to, knowing shes just in a way using the comfort she gets from me I want to make it as easy as possible for her to move on and if talking to me helps I want to do it, the only problem is it sets me back a little in my healing...

 

Day to day I'm doing good, but if I have a long talk with her and stuff or if I dont hear from her in a day or so I kinda get down, considering just not even being her friend and going NC again, just knowing I'm not hopeful about being back with her I dont nessecarily feel NC is nessecary...

 

I think if I had another girlfriend all my problems would be fixed, the problem is I want to heal completely before letting someone else in, not sure how to handle it...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Give yourself time and space to heal.

It sounds to me like she is not very nice.

 

So, after a vacation with the new guy, she is telling you that she is not that into the new guy (especially compared to you)...

 

I'm sorry, but if she really loved you, she would not be with him at all.

If she really wanted to be with you, her heart would insist that she was.

And her actions say that she's willing to risk losing you to be with this new guy.

What about your heart?

 

And if she is not that into the new guy, then why is she with him and not with you?

It's not right to use somebody just because he's "over the top trying to show her how much he cares".

What about his heart?

So even if she did love you but is just using him, then what kind of person does that make her?

 

Steer clear, my friend. She is bad news.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You could try telling her that you are willing to chitchat about her life, but refuse any mention of her relationships, or any talk of the two of you emotionally (if you absolutely don't want a second chance). She might respect that and it solves your issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've told her several times I don't want to talk about the relationship but I'd be there as a friend if she just wants to talk, somehow she always ends up getting the convo to turn towards our old relationship though.

 

I've made it very clear to her that if we were to ever get back together it was not going to be anytime soon, because I need time to heal

 

Now I wonder if shes just clinging to the new guy for comfort but realizing she loves me she wants to keep an emotional attachment to me for the day I tell her I'm ready...

 

To be truthful it is very unattractive, but she told me if shes not with me shes going to need to cling to him, which makes me more sure that I dont want to be with her, she used to be so strong and independent, now she cheated and I think feels bad and needs someone to support her and cling to

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In that case, you tell her "unfortunately, you have disregarded and disrespected my conditions for us being friends during this difficult time for me. Based on this, I have no choice but to cut off communication until the time such that we can be friends and display the respect friends display for each other." Then go HARDCORE NC.

 

This will clear her mind up

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think its really best to declare NC to her, or just stop responding to her...

 

In a way I want to tell her I cant believe that she is continuing this, even after admitting she doesnt have feelings for him like she had for me (possibly just lying to make me feel better) and tell her that until she makes an effort to show that she regrets what she did and stop using him as well as me, i dont think she is a good person and dont want to talk to her,

 

But the other part of me wants to just stop responding and make her curious as to what happened.

 

Either way I know the only way I will be happy is a solid couple months of NC I'm just not sure how to initiate it..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that the best thing would slowly go from LC to more or less NC.

 

Maybe you could write her a letter to say what you just wrote:

"I cant believe that she is continuing this, even after admitting she doesnt have feelings for him like she had for me (possibly just lying to make me feel better) and tell her that until she makes an effort to show that she regrets what she did and stop using him as well as me, i dont think she is a good person and dont want to talk to her".

 

And leave it at that. NC, all the way.

It all really depends on what will best help you to feel closure, and let you move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think its really best to declare NC to her, or just stop responding to her...

 

All you say the next time you talk is, "Listen, when you’re single and want to get together call me. We'll talk about it. Take care, buh bye." After that you walk away and get your poop together. Yeah it's going to hurt and yeah she may never call. There is and upside to this...

 

1. You quit being her doormat.

2. You show her that you’re a man and can act like one.

3. You set boundaries for her to respect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I work with my ex. One day, she'd talk to me like we were still together...and the next day, or hell, even an hour later, she'd act like I was a complete stranger - walk right by me, look me in the eye, and not say a word.

 

For a couple of weeks, when this behavior happened, I'd ask her what I did to make her act like that - and she'd just say "nothing, i just have a lot on my mind."

 

Eventually, I just ignored her unless she said hello to me, and it was a like a magnet. She would seek me out, throw in a "test" to see how I was feeling about her...if it was positive, if i let a "I miss you" slip...she would smile, then go back to her desk comforted that I was still thinking about her.

 

So when I stopped letting those things slip, the dynamic changed completely. I think it actually angers her that she still has feelings for me. lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eventually, I just ignored her unless she said hello to me, and it was a like a magnet. She would seek me out, throw in a "test" to see how I was feeling about her...if it was positive, if i let a "I miss you" slip...she would smile, then go back to her desk comforted that I was still thinking about her.

 

So when I stopped letting those things slip, the dynamic changed completely. I think it actually angers her that she still has feelings for me. lol.

 

You pulled the rug (sorry bro but that was you for a moment there) from under her feet. You manned up and she b_tched out. Felt good didn't it?

 

Don't play their game. Be unaffected by their actions. Smile, laugh, have fun, mingle. Does it anger them? Uh huh. Does it make them jealous? Yeppers.

 

Does it make you feel good?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It certainly felt good once I realized I was being treated that way. I've never been a doormat to anyone...even in our relationship, I didn't just let her get away with crap because she's hot...

 

But after the breakup, even though I didn't call her after she dumped me, didn't send her constant texts, or write a zillion emails, I still made it pretty clear that I wanted her back. Somewhere along the way, I gave her a heck of a lot of power over me. I don't let anyone treat me like that, I certainly didn't need to let someone who supposedly still cares about me to treat me like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know its been said a million times but NC is the only solution here.. have a read of my story and utter turmoil over the last 4 months.. you staying in contact with her gives her a win win situation.. all the fun of a new relationship with a new guy and emotional back up from you..

 

its impossible to be "friends" in this situation. Its heartbreaking when they are with someone else and I know you'll cling to the fact that she'll wake up and realise she'll should be with you.. but one thing is for sure, while your so available to her she wont.

Have a read of the rebound posts or NC posts for more help here..

 

In terms of how to go NC, i just told me ex that we both needed some time to heal..it was too painful and too soon to be friends considering she was with someone else, wished her all the happiness in the world and that was it. At some point you have to draw a line under things and decide to let it go and move on with your life. NC gives you time to heal and for me im starting to see things a lot differently now..

 

good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the responses...

 

The only reason I'm not sure about NC is that she basically lied and stuff so bad that

A. I dont know if I even would want her back and

B. my family/friends know what she did and think she is basically skum

 

So I know I couldnt be with her now even if I wanted, but it still hurts and I do still love her, and never know what the future will hold, so i dont know if its best to just stop talking to her and make her suffer, I kinda want it to be as easy as possible for her to be happy with the new guy if thats truly what she wants, if I do that and she still ends up coming back then I might feel differently about her..

 

however i want to make it very clear, i dont expect her to want to come back, and I am living my life very happily other than the moments im thinking of her and im trying to meet other girls and stuff, just going out and enjoying my life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol, i'm really kinda already thinking that now, I know there is no way it will work out, its just hard being so close to the emotional break-up and stuff... I know I'll be fine, I keep myself very busy, always working out and active, meeting new people all the time, its just once you get your mind set one way its just so hard to completely let it go..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...