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I don't know where to put this. Confused about a few things. I don't know that I need specific advise but definitely need to get this off my chest. I don't really want to talk about it to anyone.


I guess it's time for me to do some very serious searching on what I want.


Some of my closest friends here know about my ex... my on again/off again guy. Yeah, that one. The one that I used to always write threads about and still mention around here. We've always stayed in touch. Called it quits on our relationship completely last January. No contact for weeks at a time. Still always getting back in touch but moreso in a friendly way. I often would get fussy and stop talking to him over and over.


Last year at this time I was an emotional mess. Still adjusting to the "realization" that he'd never change. He'd never truly commit, everything we'd ever discussed would never happen, I had to move on. Gone were the plans or hopes that we'd be engaged and the acceptance (almost excitement) that when that happened, kids and I would move back towards our hometown with him.


I remember all the times I just wished and even begged him in tears to communicate with me, to stop being so disrespectful and selfish.


As I said above, we always stayed in touch although not back together.


So I have moved on about my merry little life. I'm good, great, happy mostly. There are always underlying decisions that need to be made - like to stay in an apt or try to buy a house, stay in our town (with the economy as is, will we be able to) or move out of town to a less expensive area, what are my future plans, what direction do I want to go in. Things that I really didn't want to decide on my own. That I always imagined making with someone by my side. But that I can't really imagine considering what someone else wants now.


I've been dating. For the first time a couple dates with someone in this town. Which means so much more than just that. Finally I'm making this home and getting out of a safety bubble I've created for myself. Someone that I am quite fond of.


I'm not sure I can rewind. I'm not sure I even have it in me to try again with my ex. But I'm not so sure I can just say no either. Out of everyone in my life, he is one person I know I can count on 100% if I should need anything. And now that he is also communicating and wanting to move forward and commit, etc, how do I just turn away? But the feelings/thoughts of "it's too late......" won't leave my mind either.


I don't know...... sigh..... maybe I should move this to a journal.

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Day 11:


He seems so serious. Often says "I just always felt certain we'd end up together." So that means he just took me for granted and thought I'd be available whenever he decided it was time.


He did have alot (ALOT) of stress and adjustments to go through in the past few years. I'll give him that. So many times I even begged him to see a counselor.


But now he's the same as he was originally. That sweet, adoring, loving, doting, caring even, compassionate, communicative man again.


Everything I wanted. At one point in my life.


Is this just a wall. A humongous wall of caution? I never EVER imagined I'd pass up an opportunity. So many times I thought to myself that if he actually returned and acted like this, I'd give him another chance. I do believe I could have everything with him.


I just don't know what to do.


I am good still - positive happy. But, I feel like I need to make this decision - the ultimate serious decision of giving it another try. Giving it another try to me means making it work this time. Both of us this time. But what if I'm the weak link now? What if?

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I really have so much work to do. And usually stay focused. I'll get more done in a few.


I just finished looking through a few emails from this time last year. Don't really know why.


I truly never imagined being so emotionless if this ever happened.


At some point over the past few years, I remember being so sad when we weren't together - calling him, sappy girl.... He told me I needed to find something to do with my time.


I did.

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^^ Bigheart - I need to write you. Hope you are well too!


I can say he's never been like this. It's truly like he finally got through all the stress and turmoil he had going on and now this. He's never been so consistant, committing, all around great.


I know that most people won't understand. But things are so entirely good. He's going out of town this week. I asked him to really think about what he wants while he's away. He says he knows 100%. He wants me to do some thinking and let him know what I want when he returns.



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