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I'm in love but I'm scared to get married


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I met Matt* online in November, we started talking on the phone, and I loved his personality, we started dating, and finally in January decided to meet. I was scared at first, but as soon as I saw him in real life my heart jumped and danced in my chest. I know I am in love with him. I hate it when he has to go home, we talk for hours and we are always with eachother when we are not busy. We started talking about getting a place of our own and getting married. The problem is he lives in Ct, and I live in NY. I'm still in college, so I can't move to Ct until July. And he is on probation for an incident that happened before I met him, so the only way for him to move to NY is for him to be married to me. I do want to marry him, but I have a few fears. I don't want to rush into anything. Sometimes I get very jealous because he still goes on the site that we met on. I have only gone on it once or twice since we started dating and getting serious, but not since he asked me to marry me and that was because I kept getting messages from guys I had been talking to prior to meeting him. Just a week ago, he had 5 new matches on the site which means hes been looking. When I ask him about it he gets on the defensive. He asks if I want him to delete the account, and yes I do, but I don't want to say I do. Sometimes he tells me stories I am not overly sure I can believe. I want to, but they seem so over the top that I'm not sure. We argue a fair amount about silly things, we never stay mad at eachother for longer than an hour, and we always resolve what ever we were fighting about. He has never raised a hand to me, or hurt me in any way other than emotional. My friends and family, who have seen us fight once or twice, say that we are just going through a phase but they know we are meant for eachother. We know it too.

I know I have insecurities because I was cheated on by a few exs. And his ex left him for another man, so he's afraid that I will too. He wants to get married soon, and I want to wait a few months. He told me that he will wait for me, but late last night I woke up to him crying, when I asked him what was wrong he told me "...I love you so much, and I'm scared you don't love me anymore because you want to wait to get married now, I don't want to lose you." and so on. I would never cheat on him, and I would never leave him, I have told him that. I just want a little time to get everything straight in my head before we get married. I don't want to look back and say, "What was I in such a rush for?" What should I do?

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welcome to enotalone. i would date this man for a longer period of time. first off, what is he on probation for??? if it is some kind of crime, that's bad news. i would look him up in the court records so you can see what he's really on probation for, people lie.


next, the fact that you two are still arguing over the dating site - i would not marry him, no way!!!


he sounds like bad news. honestly, just get to know him better, but he gives me the creeps, trying to force you to marry him.

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You should be scared because you have only known him 5 months. And he also has a problematic past with an arrest record, that sounds fairly recent if he is still on probation.


And if he tells stories you are not sure you even believe, there could be a deeper problem there than you know about.


You are very young and there is absolutely no rush to get married, in fact, you shouldn't even think about getting engaged until you've known him at least 2 years, to make sure you really know him and know what you are getting into.


And really, what is the rush? If it was meant to last a lifetime, there is no rush to get married in a few months.


And why is he still on a dating website? That alone should give you a huge pause that he is not fully committed to you. If he loves you and is ready to commit, he wouldn't still be looking.


Take your time on this. If he continues to push you, i would be very worried that there is something wrong that he wants to hurry you into it before you find out what he's really about.


Was it a drug conviction? If so, he might hurry you into marrying so that he can start using again, then you have a drug addicted husband to worry about, or worse depending on his conviction.

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You've only been seeing him for a couple of months - way too early to be thinking about marriage. Lot of red flags I think. If he's so keen on getting married, why is he still sharking about on a dating website?


Hmmm, well, at the very least take it very very sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow with this guy!

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Any reasonable person would understand not wanting to get married after knowing each other for 2 months. And he is insecure because you want to wait a few more? What, 5 months isn't soon enough for him?


You really need more time together to know each other. You think you know enough about him now, but you really need more time for different situations to arise. What does he do when you have a flat tire? When someone in your family dies? When you decide to have a "girl's night" with your friends instead of hanging out at home with him? It takes time for a relationship to experience a variety of good times and bad, and there is no way you could have already done all that in 2 months, especially considering you guys do not live in the same state.


You need to put your foot down and tell him you are not getting married anytime soon, it is all WAY too fast. Tell him you need a year or two to spend together before even getting engaged. You should know him better by the time you graduate, and even then I think if you decide to move near him you should find your OWN apartment.


Honestly, him wanting to get married after 2 months of knowing each other in person & not wanting to even wait a few more months is telling me there is a serious problem here. If you really love someone, you should understand their needs (meaning yours, which is to wait before getting engaged) And any other normal person would know that 2 months is too soon without having to be told that. It makes me wonder what other things he will expect out of you that any other person would think "hmm, that sounds like an unreasonable expectation".


I think he just wants to seal the deal asap to make sure you don't change your mind & get away. That is ownership. Just be careful with this one.

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Red flags all over the place. I would not marry this guy so quickly. He is rushing things and often those who rush the relationship and sweep you off your feet are the ones who do a complete 180 once they have you hooked. He is on probation so obviously what he did was pretty serious...you are not sure if you can trust him....he is pushing you into marriage and you barely know him. Take the time to really get to know him..because I have a funny feeling if you rush into marrying him you could be taken for a real ride.

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I agree with the others. Slow down, and really wait and see what he is really like when real life hits. I was in a relationship very similar to this, the guy would be wanting to marry me asap, yet trolling on the internet and in the bars when I was sleeping (he was rarely employed) for girls. His stories were outlandish too, and just did not add up. I stayed because he would never physically hurt me, and I wanted to help him deal with some things, but when things started getting violent, I realized that he had been a ticking time bomb. That whole relationship had been. The guy was just not right in the head. The whole thing was a competition for him. He wanted to be the first to get married, have babies, etc... it didn't matter who it was with. I just fit the profile.


Not everyone is the same, but this guy from your posts sounds super shady and frankly, if I were your family/friend, I would be really worried about you if you were to marry this guy. What kind of things does he say to you when you guys fight?

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Thank you all for your advice. I finally had a good talk with him. I explained how I was feeling, and he said he respected that. We both deleted our accounts on the dating site, and he promised to wait to get married. He told me he is still disappointed but he will wait as long as I want to wait. I thank you all for helping open my eyes. We are working on maybe finding a counsiler so that we have someone to talk to about the things that are bothering both of us, and help us work through them. Thank you all again. God Bless!

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The fact that he doesn't have these fears about rushing into a marriage is perhaps the biggest redflag of all.


Marriage SHOULD be considered serious business and someone who has zero fears about it and whom you have dated a short time isn't taking it seriously at all.

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