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I'm going backwards


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Life is just plain wearing me down.


I know they say that when you get knocked down just get back up and try again till you succeed. But my body, mind, and heart have had about enough. I don't mean any negativity on this website on the encouragement of shy people trying to better themselves. It's a good thing. I really believe that.


But I tried for 3 years not to be shy with women anymore and all got out of it was scars where you don't want them. My self esteem wasn't much of anything to talk about and now I am watching it jump off a cliff (what's left). All I got is bitterness from my attempts and I don't care to try anymore. I'd have to be an idiot to try again and again and again. It's like bashing myself against a brick wall...I will lose no matter what.


I am slow to hate.....quick to forgive, and sadly slow to trust more then ever before.


But this.... bitterness? It's so new to me... It just f%@$ing sits there..like a pool of blood.


I feel so out of place now with my friend's. They're so sweet and naive talking about crushes and asking them out. But when they get to me.... they start to tease me that the waiter is checking me out. It's like they hit the big red button of rage. I don't find it funny anymore, I don't find crushes interesting anymore, and I don't want to like anyone ever again.


I want to tell them they're playing with fire...but what can I say..they have no clue what's happened to me. I'm too ashamed. I could probably help them avoid my blunders. But they'll be fine. They've always cared less which means they will get hurt less.


I've grown colder, harder, and more numb. Bitterness is total isolation but it's so d%#@n peaceful...It'll probably never leave me and I'll never leave it.

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I was like that once. You are in overkill with tiredness. I think its time for some you time and possibly a hobby to make life a bit more interesting . For me its car racing ....do something you like...hope it helps



Yep hobbies and homework is all I got now. Oh well it's kind of nice to just be an introvert and stop trying so darn hard to be an extrovert. I'm exhausted to be honest about it all...

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I know how you feel... I had to give up my social life 'cause of all the crap bogging me down. I'm doing it at least temporarily until I get all the BS happening a little more straightened out.


All I can say to you is, if you're tired, rest.


Spring Break is a Godsend that's all I can really say. I mean I have a part time job but the fact that I have no school..is amazing.


As for dating...I'm out now, not trying anymore. I'm not going to ignore women and be rude but I'm not trying to overcome my shyness. Resting and that's it.


Life has just beat the snot out of me these past months.

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