In love with my friend. Should I tell her?

[b050481]

It all started about 3 years ago when she and I worked together. I didn't really feel this way at first but after about a month of hanging out with her and eating lunch together everyday I started to fall for her. I knew I was in trouble when she went out of town for a week and she had only been gone for a couple of hours before I really missed her.

 

The problem was that she was already engaged to someone. He and I have also become friends and I was even one of his groomsmen at their wedding. But there have been times where I thought that she was flirting with me and it just seemed like she got progressively worse after the wedding. Even co-workers at the time thought that she was and even thought that she liked me as more than just a friend. That she was just too comfortable around me. We have both since left that office and went on to other careers but I still see her on average once a week or every other week. Now it seems like she is flirty with me for a while then goes to the other extreme and back again over a period of time. I'm just not sure what to make of her actions.

 

I really miss seeing her everyday and I think about her everyday because I miss her. Over the past 3 years, especially over the last few months, I haven't been doing so well with the situation and have thought about just getting out. It seems like it is just a never ending cycle in which I get so depressed about everything that I think about getting out and then she pulls me back in because I feel horrible about hurting her by severing all ties.

 

They don't seem like they are really that great of a match now. Maybe when they were younger but it just seems like she has grown up and he is still the immature guy he was when they met. A few weeks ago she told me that he had been talking to an ex almost everyday on the phone and about financial problems. I also know that she want's kids and she's been trying to talk to him about it but he keeps coming up with excuses to keep putting it off. I can see how all of this hurts her but he is just too oblivious to see it apparently.

 

I've always thought of myself as a "good" guy and I've been known to do things that are detrimental to myself just to help others. There is a loyalty to both of them but I just don't think I can keep this up any longer. I don't think I would ever find anyone as perfect as her in a million years no matter how hard I tried. I don't know whether I should take the chance of losing her altogether and tell her or just stay away. I don't want her not to be a part of my life but I just can't deal with it anymore. It's so bad it's starting to affect my performance at work so much that my supervisor has been asking me if something is wrong.

[Yanet]

You're placing way too much weight on this one woman. 3 years? Have you had girlfriends in the meantime?

 

Anyway, she probably knows you like her already and just flirts with you so you follow her like a lost puppy, boosting her self-esteem and making her feel good about yourself, while at the same time (and perhaps knowingly) making you feel bad about yourself. She's using you. Stop setting yourself up for emotional abuse and move on from her. Your behavior also seems rather predatory: waiting for her to break up with this guy so you can jump in and save the day because you'd treat her the way she wants, right?

 

"I don't think I would ever find anyone as perfect as her in a million years no matter how hard I tried"

 

Please. Meet more women and you will see no one is really that special. As I've said before, people tend to be generic and similar if anything. You've built her up in your head too much, re-read this post and convince yourself to sever. Don't want to hurt her? She already doesn't care about you so why still care so much about her? Look after yourself and your own emotions first before you start trying to be a white knight to some lady in distress (not that I recommend white knighting in the first place).

[Jeremiah Johnson]

Yeah, don't tell her. In fact, quit talking to her.

[Yanet]

Oh, if I wasn't clear in my earlier post: don't tell her. At least maintain some self respect and don't give her the satisfaction.

 

"I don't want her not to be a part of my life" - things will be better for you when she's not in your life.

[odile]

There's a chance that she's extra flirty with you because she feels like you would never take her flirting as flirting.

Perhaps she's assuming that since you are friends with both her and her husband, and because she perceives you to be a "good guy", then maybe she's just that comfortable with you that it's never crossed her mind that you'd take her playfulness to mean more than it is.

[Llama Dancer]

IMHO -- these type of scenarios rarely work out. You may well lose a friend in the process. A suggestion would be to "friend-zone" her and go out and meet new women. Meet someone you don't already have an existing relationship with. You're standing in front of a fire. You're thinking of emptying a bucket on it. Does it contain gasoline or water? You won't know until you throw it. Why not walk away with your friendship and dignity intact?

[Llama Dancer]

Please. Meet more women and you will see no one is really that special. As I've said before, people tend to be generic and similar if anything. You've built her up in your head too much, re-read this post and convince yourself to sever. Don't want to hurt her? She already doesn't care about you so why still care so much about her? Look after yourself and your own emotions first before you start trying to be a white knight to some lady in distress (not that I recommend white knighting in the first place).

 

Exactly -- if she is aware of the OP's feelings for her, she's milking it for all it's worth. If she is unaware, which is unlikely, she may well feel cornered by his advances.

[Zeitgeist]

Do NOT ever tell a married woman you are in love with her. There's NO good outcome to it. Get some space from this woman so you can get over her. If she tries to contact you, make excuses for why you can't see her. She'll eventually get tired of contacting you and you being too busy and will stop.

[b050481]

Well I've attempted to sever contact without telling her why but I don't think she's going to accept it. I sent her an email that said that I may not be around as much and didn't answer her emails asking what was wrong and what she could do to help on Monday or Tuesday. Then on Tuesday they called together and I finally gave in and answered but didn't talk very long. They both kept asking what was wrong and I avoided the question and told them nothing. She must have asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it as well as what the email I sent was about 5 times in a span of less than 10 minutes. They kept saying that they were worried about me and I found out today that they called a local crisis center after I spoke to them because they were worried about me.

 

I dropped by today with a peace offering for her after work before she had to pick him up from work and I think I smoothed things over. She asked again what was wrong and what the email I sent was about. She also said that if I wanted to talk to her about it that she wouldn't say anything to him but I avoided it as much as possible and only stayed about 15 minutes. Before I left she said that the three of us would do something this weekend and that she would call me.

 

So I'm back where I started and I only succeeded in upsetting both of them. I guess I'll bear my burden in silence as I have always done and hope that things work out for the best.

[grymoire]

I know exactly what happens in these type of situations as I have been there.

 

You have got very very good advice from the people that have responded in this thread. Please man, please respect your emotions and feelings and walk away with your dignity in-tact.

 

She may complain about that guy as much as she wants but by the end of the day she is sleeping with him and not you. She KNOWS how you feel about her and is selfishly using you for her own needs. My 'friend' did the exact same thing. Just when you put a little bit of distance she will sense it and throw an 'i miss you' or something sweet and you will be back in her palms.

 

Look, you have already sent her an email and said that you won't be around like before. If she wants to talk to you let her know the whole thing and walk away. This is your chance to end this pseudo-relationship. If she is truly your friend she will understand and let you go.