Don't want to hurt him.................

[happy_camper]

I'm new to this forum, but I've been reading for a while. my ex and I are in the process of reconciling. but I'm confused.

 

Here's the quick background:

 

we were together a year and half, he broke up with me four months ago, after a silly event that sparked a major row. Being honest, I'd turned into bit of doormat for last few months of relationship (not just in relationship, but in all aspects of life due to being bit down over unemployment, and member of family being sick). Boyfriend ended up taking me for granted, I never spoke out, resentment built until this silly event where mistakes were made, and we both over-reacted. I won't go into specifics, it doesn't matter any more. I wanted to stay together, even though I had more reasons to break up. but he broke up with me, at the same time telling me he'd probably regret it, and end up coming back to me a few months down the road. He bailed out basically. I sent him an email a week later saying I'd never go back to someone who didn't want to make the effort to fix things when we were together. after that, NC bar christmas text, and a text he sent by accident.

 

I went through three difficult months after the break-up, literally breaking down and crying at the mere mention of his name. I didn't see him once in that time (we live an hour apart). I lost a huge amount of weight (thankfully gained it again!) and partied hard to hide the pain - which only brought the pain closer to the surface honestly, and I"m not condoning this as a way of coping, but it got me through. Early in February, I kissed a few random guys for the first time since the break-up. No more, no less, no interest really.

 

for about 6 weeks after I sent the email to him, I felt anger at him. And conflicting emotions, over wanting him to contact me, but at the same time wanting nothing to do with him. Christmas and New years came. And suddenly the urge to be with him overcame me. But I wouldn't do anything about it. I kept wanting to contact him. But I didn't, except for a text to let him know I was thinking of him on his dad's anniversary. early in February, around the time I kissed those other guys, I was beginning to feel like I was getting better. I didn't cry over him anymore. I didn't really think about him anymore. And I'd known for sometime, that now he wasn't in my life, I was still going to be ok. But at the same time, my one regret was that we hadn't tried to fix things at the time. I know the last few months had not been great, I blamed a lot of that on him, but so much other crap was going on in my life, that I felt bad for throwing the blame on him. anyway, as I said, I'd regretted that we hadn't sorted things, and things had ended so badly, when I knew we'd had something so good before. I also wondered, if I hadn't sent that email, would things be different?

 

Curiosity got the better of me. Early in February I mailed him to see if he wanted to meet for coffee. no reply, but 2 days later I spoke to a mutual friend who said my ex had major regrets about the break up. few days later, my ex contacts me to say he'd love to meet up. so we did. Had a good albeit awkward catch up. I wasn't that nervous, but he was, visibly. Eventually I asked him why he dumped me. He said he panicked, and thought that if we could fall out over something so trivial, we weren't good together. He said he felt it was right at the time, but everything I'd said in my email about lack of effort was true, and he appreciated my honesty. He should have been honest with me. we spoke about getting back together. met up again following week. He apologised for breaking up with me, saying it was the most stupid thing he's ever done, he'd regretted it since, and hadn't even been able to look at another girl. He said if it meant just being my friend for a while, he's willing to do that if it means another chance. He's been texting me everyday since, and ringing me frequently. we met this weekend on friday night, he came over, we talked. I specified the need to take things slowly, and I had ground rules this time that we needed to talk about. met the next night..................and ended up going over to him with his friends, which i know was a silly thing to do, because we're back together provisionally as such, depending on how things go. we fell into old habits, lots of coupley dancing together and kissing, and all his friends were so happy we're back together, etc. It was good..............but next day panic sets in. I realise now that even though it was I contacted him, and suggested getting back together, that my feelings for him arent as strong as they used to be. or as strong as his feelings apparently are. I don't want to hurt him. I'm not sure I'm still in love with him. My feelings certainly faded a lot due to resentment and hurt. But I still think he's a wonderful person. I want to be with him, and I have a drive to make this work, and I can see that he is visibly making an effort. I wasn't happy in the last few months we were together, because I felt I was the one making all the effort to hold us together. (wasn't happy with life in general..............a lot of bad things happened altogether.)

 

What I want to know is.......................for people who got back together, or people you know who got back together.............................was it a case of never having fallen out of love? or did they lose all those feelings and find them for each other again? In spite of the dulling of my feelings, I want to give this a shot. I'm confused ](*,)

[odile]

If you're going to give this a go, sticking to your guns about taking things slowly makes a lot of sense.

 

Make sure that before anything progresses to a higher lever (physically, for example), that you are both on the same page.

 

I've been in a similar situation before-- sort of over an ex, but missing them..and then they come back, only to find that I'm not able to quite 'fall' for them again. In my experience, getting back together felt like backtracking, and part of me was already looking forward to moving on.

It's a difficult call to make, and only you'll be able to know what feels right to you. Just be sure that whatever you do that you are conscientious and careful, that way even if things don't work out in romantic terms, you'll still have a good chance at keeping each other as friends.

[happy_camper]

thanks odile...............I think you hit the nail on the head, like I find myself unable to fall for him again. I fell head first first time round! And it was my first relationship. so it was a huge learning curve. part of me feels that I'm reluctant to fall again for fear of him hurting me the same way again. And also I feel we haven't spoken about everything that lead to the break-up. that we still have to do. I feel once we've talked it through a bit more I can relax more, so that he knows my boundaries, and then I can give him a chance. We spoke on the phone on monday, and I told him a I felt things were moving too fast, that I hadn't expected to fall back into the way things had gone saturday (the way they used to be only I wasn't feeling it so much). He was a little surprised, as he had thought things were ok. I had to explain to him that since he was the one who had broken up with me, even though I had initiated contact again, it was going to be harder for me, because I was more hurt. that I had to be more guarded. so he suggested dinner this weekend. The thing is there, are definitely still feelings on my side. they are just nowhere near as strong as they used to be. It's really good to have him back, but slow is key