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Feel like I'm sinking...


dnl940

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Hey all. Wasn't sure which forum was best for this so chose this one. It's been a couple of years since I've been to these forums but everyone was so helpful and compassionate that I thought I would lean on you all again for some perspective. Anyway... I've been out of work since September and have been staying home with the kids while looking for work. We have a 7month old, and a 2.5 yr old together, she has 2 girls from previous marriage and I have 3 from previous marriage. She and I have been together for about 4 years now (we arent married, but are engaged). Like I said I've been out of work since September and it has never been my dream to stay home with the kids and I have to say that I feel like I'm sinking! I love my kids! I would do anything for them! But I feel like everyday that goes by that this is my life I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole.

 

Finances are getting really tough for us and my job search is getting very difficult. I feel like I've applied to every job available and many that aren't also. My unemployment benefits are going to run out in about 6 weeks and I'm getting very down on myself! I find myself yelling at the kids constantly about trivial stuff and withdrawing more and more each day. She tells me to snap out of it. That's her advice. I don't have insurance so don't think I really can afford to go and get a prescription for anti depressants but I feel like I need them.

 

I want her to be compassionate but when I try to tell her how I feel she gets mad at me and we end up in a huge argument. The thing that really gets me too is that she went through a bout of depression a couple years ago and I felt as though I was understanding, compassionate and very helpful to her. Yet here it's my turn and I feel like all I get in return is anger. So I'm looking for advice not only for my deepening depression but also about how to deal with the anger that she keeps showing towards me through this time. Thank you all for your help in advance.

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Anti-depressants can help but they don't seem to be a cure all. There some natural remedies you could try to help boost your mood. My therapists are always pushing exercise as this raises the endorphin levels in your body. A walk or run.. whatever you can do would probably help some.

 

It is really hard when you need some emotional support and the people around you aren't willing to give it. Have you sat down with her to tell her how it makes you feel when she reacts with anger? By the way, if you do or have.. the key word to use with her is "frustration" not "anger". I find most people don't ever want to own up to being angry and will take offense.

 

By running or doing something proactive for your mental health (like posting here) you can say in good conscience to her "I am trying to get better honey/dear/ what not" when she says "snap out of it." Then, if she manages to remain angry with you just say you need to go for a walk or have some time alone and calmly walk away.

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I think she reallllllly will need to put her anger aside. Or you both need to grab a chair and table and sit accross from each other and talk things thru. Everything which has been bothering you has to come out. That's just my way..

She's maybe throwing anger at you due to holding her anger in about some thing(s).

 

After that you guys need to be there for each other in these rough times. Try to make things as stress free as possible for you both. Things are hard enough already.

 

Take walks together, with the kids if you want. Go out to the beach. Anywhere which is free.

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i feel you need to have a calm talk with her. she needs to understand that this isn't a high point in your life and ultimately in your relationship. she needs to also understand that you are actively looking for work (which i hope you really are trying hard) and that the market just sucks right now.

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That's part of the problem though it seems. With 7 kids in the house it seems there is no time to go and do anything like that. She works odd hours which may be 8am to 7pm one day and 3pm to midnight another and she works a half hour away from where we live so add an hours drive time to that. And then of course she needs some relax time when she gets home or get ready time before she goes in. So I feel like from the moment I wake up everyday which is around 6am til I go to be which is around midnight... I'm constantly watching the kids. I admit I'm becoming resentful of this situation but I can't say that because it's not her fault that I got laid off and shes just trying to do what she can to keep money coming in.

 

But I admit I find myself getting very "frustrated" because I'm doing everything around the house... watching the kids, taking them to school, picking them up, cooking, cleaning, laundry,etc. and my unemployment benefits are more than what she makes working. I understand that these things are all my responsibility regardless of the situation that we are in but that doesn't make it any less frustrating and depressing. And yes I've tried to talk to her about this but as I said before we end up getting into arguments when this happens.

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Okay so, there must be 5 free minutes here and there throughout your day. Take those few minutes to do some jumping jacks, sit ups, run in place, or just get your blood pumping.

 

I have heard a lot of stay at home moms have very similar complaints to what you are having. It sounds as though 5 of your children must be old enough to play together and entertain themselves. While you might still have to make sure nothing crazy goes on, trying to keep your eyes on them like a hawk is only going to wear you down. Growing up as the oldest female in my family, the responsibility of pretty much raising my siblings fell on me (long story). So, I understand how draining it can really be. It seems like a constant juggling act.

 

The thing is though, raising kids is a hard job. Even though she is working, she should do at least small things to help out. For example, if you make dinner, she washes the dishes. I had tried to take it all on myself.. but eventually you have to learn to delegate. How old is your oldest?

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Yes. You are right. I'm sure I could find a few minutes in the day for more excersize and that's good advice. I will try it. As for her part how do I honestly get her to listen when she is so frustrated at something. I ask her what's wrong and she just says she is stressed. When I try to push deeper I get closed down.

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Sorry. Missed that last part. My oldest is 12. He is very helpful many times. Next is a 10 year old girl who is developmentally disabled. Then a 9 year old boy 8 year old girl a 6 year old girl and the 2.5 year old boy and 7 month old girl.

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When we were all that age (large family as well), my father would be home on the weekend and every Saturday would be cleaning day. He would make a list of chores and nobody could do anything until they were done. This might take some of the stress of you and teach them some skills to take care of themselves.

 

My mom is very similar in the way she reacts to confrontation about problems. The first thing that comes to mind is that you could try writing a loving letter than explains your feelings. She might be less likely to go on the defense. At the end tell her you'd like to talk to her when she is ready.

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Yes. I am doing most of that already. The kids that are able have things that they must do to help me out but I still find myself overwhelmed and feeling depressed. That's a good idea about the letter though I think I will write one today.

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make a list of things you need to work on as well as her. you should bring up the list to her. make sure it's in a nice manner. explain this is what you need to do in order to better your relationship and improve how you could contribute more. i know taking care of 7 kids is rough enough.

 

what about your parents or her's? would they watch the kids for a bit while you job hunt, go to interviews, etc.?

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Ok. So I sent her the email and she just called me in tears saying how she felt better knowing how I felt about things and then said I just needed to snap out of it and refocus and I would feel better too. I feel like she completely missed what I was saying. I apologized for being irritable and such and I think that's all she took out of it.

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Ok. So I sent her the email and she just called me in tears saying how she felt better knowing how I felt about things and then said I just needed to snap out of it and refocus and I would feel better too. I feel like she completely missed what I was saying. I apologized for being irritable and such and I think that's all she took out of it.

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Yeah. Thanks. Not sure tough. She just sent a text that shes going out with the girls tonight and probably won't be home til late. I really don't feel like I'm going to get any emotional support from her at all right now. So advice on cheap counseling or what are some of those natural products that are like anti depressants?

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Yeah. Thanks. Not sure tough. She just sent a text that shes going out with the girls tonight and probably won't be home til late. I really don't feel like I'm going to get any emotional support from her at all right now. So advice on cheap counseling or what are some of those natural products that are like anti depressants?

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Just wanted to give a little update... So the other night she did go out with the girls for a little while but not too long. She came home and we ended up having about a 4 hour talk. I was able to say many of the things that were bothering me and she did too. It was quite refreshing. And things were much better yesterday. Feel like I have a little more focus and perspective. Thanks to all of you for your advice and compassion!

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The older ones help out. Not as much as I'd like of course but they do help. It just seems that with 7 of them... everything happens at once! It can be quiet and peaceful and then all of a sudden there are 6 disasters happening.... gets crazy. And with school activities and such it's just one thing after another.

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