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I feel absolutely miserable :(


eiffeltower

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I am 24 years old and have all but decided to break up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He is 35 yrs old. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely in love with him and I seriously feel horrible b/c I really feel like its the right thing to do.

 

When we met, he was working at an outdoor market while unemployed. I was still in school doing a program in his city. We fell madly in love with each other. He was unemployed and suffering from depression; I left to go back to my college shortly after we met. He visited on weekends and nearly a year after we'd met, I graduated and moved back to the city we'd met in. But things were strange. He found a job, but it didn't pay well. He didn't let me come back to his apartment and wouldn't sleep at mine. I could tell he still loved me. A girl just feels these things. But he was acting strangely.

 

Suddenly things got better, and then one day, almost exactly a year ago, his other girlfriend emailed me. They had been dating almost 8 years and lived together for 7. When he met me, he was severely depressed & suicidal. He was sleeping on the couch and they hadn't had sex in months. She hoped it would get better once he found a job, but it didn't. She found letters, pictures, gifts & cards from me stashed away and immediately kicked him out.

 

After some time, against the advice of everyone, I decided to wipe the slate clean. I don't regret it. We fell in love all over again and things were amazing. I have never felt this way about anyone before. But things are changing again in these past couple of weeks. He has episodes of depression that are so terrible. He doesn't get happy over anything unless he's smoking weed. I feel like the only one trying anymore. He works 2 jobs to make ends meet and I know he's tired. He spends most of his free time with me, but I looked through his phone and found suspicious texts (not terribly incriminating but still suspicious). Maybe they mean nothing, but I guess I just don't trust him. I don't feel like he's a cheater, I know he doesn't want to hurt me... but he has such low self esteem and has told lies to me-- even when they are about insignificant things-- just to avoid the risk of an argument. I don't understand why he would do that to me, run around on me... the girl who he "has never felt such intense physical attraction to", someone who he said was one of the best things that ever happened to him. He used to tell me I was so beautiful he coudln't even believe I'd want anything to do with him. I am more attractive than his previous girlfriends... and I'm smart, we laugh together and I'm so good to him.

 

Sometimes I feel like its my fault. I've started fights over things like him not willing to move in with me, his working so much and not spending time w/ me, him forgetting to buy me a valentine's day gift (after my bday & christmas gifts were late and it appeard he put no thought into them). I also got mad at him b/c a few days before his bday I asked him if he wanted to do anything special and he said no, so i planned a special romantic dinner at my place-- and then he called the night before and said if I still wanted to make him dinner we could still do that, but his friends wanted to have a party for him instead and thats what he wanted to do. So maybe he's pulling away b/c I'm being a * * * * * and starting all these fights.

 

I just love him so much, and I know he loves me. I can still feel it, the way he looks at me and touches me. I want to ride out the rough patch with him, but he's not getting professional help for his depression, he just smokes weed a lot. How can I do anything if he won't even help himself?

 

Its just so hard to imagine loving someone as passionately as I love him. I just keep remembering all the little things, all i want to do is cuddle up next to him like we did yesterday morning when i was cold. How he gently wakes me and tickles me and how hard we laugh with each other. How special he used to make me feel, how gently he touches my face and how his hand always looks for mine when we're walking down the street. Why do I keep thinking about all these things? Why is this so difficult? Why do I love him so damn much?

 

I've made mistakes to, I definitely feel like I've done things to push him away. But I can't stay in this relationship any longer if his depression is interfering so severely with us... and I'm finding weird texts on his phone.

 

I don't know how to do this or how to feel better. How do I stop thinking about his kiss and his touch and his arms around me? How do I move on? How do I start over again? How do I stop feeling like this is somehow my fault?

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the only thing i can tell you is you have to do what is right for you- does the happiness outweigh the unhappiness.. or vice versa.

 

i will say he really doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration- i.e. your birthday, his birthday, valentines day-

 

loving someone isn't just about a touch or holding your hand.. its about being there for that person and often times putting that persons feelings ahead of your own. do you feel he does that? do you feel he puts you before himself? do you feel he can give you what you need?

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do you have low self esteem as well?

 

No not really. Like sometimes I feel bad abt myself, but for the most part I feel like I'm an attractive, smart girl who deserves to be in a happy, healthy relationship and has pretty good relationships with my friends and family. My last boyfriend was emotionally abusive, but I felt pretty healed from that situation when I met my current boyfriend.

 

He is a good man, he has a good heart and he is smart. I see so much potential in him, in us and in a future together. But I feel like I can't get there or help him or our relationship reach its full potential without his help.

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i think a problem that many women have is seeing a potential and a future.. you should focus on the present .. the future and whatever potential you see does not exist .. to be fair, everyone has potential but it doesn't really mean anything unless an individual is willing to work to achieve his fullest potential .. no one should ever stay with someone because of the potential they see .. you should stay with someone because they are meeting your needs and making you happy ..

 

right now you got a man who is not meeting your needs .. the reason why i asked if you had low self-esteem is because i find that you make a lot of excuses for him .. this guy cheated on his girlfriend for 1.5 years yet you praise him .. you take all the blame when this guy is responsible ...

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you also say you love him so passionately yet you have not given us a good and concrete reason for why you should .. gazing into each other's eyes, holding hands, tickling, etc. are pretty superficial and void of deeper meaning when your other needs aren't being met .. you had come out of a bad relationship so maybe this relationship is a lot better in comparison ... but you deserve even better and trust me, there is so much better out there .. if you are confident in yourself, then you won't settle for less .. and you won't be so madly in love with the scraps a person gives you ..

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Well it didn't used to be like this, but it seems to have deteriorated lately. He used to go out of his way for me-- take a train for 2 hrs to see me, take me on special dates and nice dinners, put a lot of thought into his gifts & cards. The sex is really good. He is emotionally supportive and affectionate. I do know he loves me-- he really does.

 

I love him because he is affectionate and sensitve- he's intelligent, hard working, compassionate, would pretty much do anything to please me in bed. He is patient with me, we can talk abt everything and we used to laugh so much together. He does have a good heart, I just feel like he's lost his way.

 

Lately-- he doesn't take me out or plan dates. He'd rather just order food and watch a DVD or TV. When we could squeeze in time together, he says I can come over if I want, but he's too tired to come by me (but he never specifically says to me "hey why don't you come over and spend time w/ me/me & my friends). He smokes a lot of pot. A lot. Birthday, Christmas & Valentine's day gifts came late and were not meaningful (Although he did buy a $30 bottle of wine for our dinner). When I suggested moving in together he said he wasn't ready-- it worked out so poorly before that he wasn't ready to do it again.

 

I dunno, I cut him a lot of slack b/c he works 2 jobs and I know it must be hard. But I don't think I can go on like this. I mean in the beginning he went out of his way to show he adored me. I feel like he just has so many problems that he's not capable of giving me what I want. I feel like he loves me and wants to make me happy... he knows he's lucky... but he just doesnt have it in him right now. It feels like he'd rather smoke weed than put effort into making our relationship better.

 

I'm scared that it's my fault for starting fights w/ him, that I pushed him away... but then another part of me feels like I was justified. I feel like a guy should want to spend as much time as possible with his girlfriend, work thru problems instead of walking out during fights, take her out on dates and be on time with gifts. I feel like these are things he should WANT to do-- not things I should have to push him into. I'm quite frankly surprised that he's not the one asking me to move in with him, you know?

 

I mean am I asking too much? Am I being too demanding?

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Stop Breakup Regrets - Now!
Stop Breakup Regrets - Now!

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