Wanting to be alone

[Pixiedoc]

As some of you know my boyfriend broke up with me last week after 2 years. Despite having an incredibly intense first year during which we planned the rest of our lives together, put our houses up for sale so we could live together and NEVER had an argument, he says he has come to realise that he prefers to live by himself. He was married for 10 years, she cheated, he then lived on his own for 10 years before he met me. Last year he started moving from staying 4-5 nights at my place (I have kids so I couldn't stay at his) to 3 then 2 and his reason was that we couldn't sell our houses so he was going to renovate his. To be fair he DID put a huge amount of effort and time into it, although as time went on he talked less about it making it easier to sell and was much less optimistic about a future together (I haven't sold mine and he took his off the market until it was done). It became a huge job for him and I helped him as well when I had the chance - I thought we were standing shoulder to shoulder working towards a long term future together. All the time it appears he was reevaluating and starting to think he would rather live by himself in his lovely new house!!

 

He didn't share these concerns with me as he 'didn't want to hurt me' (I believe him, he is a gentle guy who would never intentionally hurt me, or cheat, or shout). But all the time he was reducing contact, such as not texting back or emailing, but he was still incredibly affectionate when we were together and we always had fun. He was still saying he loves and misses me up until the end.

 

We have chosen to stay friends and he looked after my kids last week when I was away at a conference overnight (planned before this happened) and we've met a couple of times just to chat, but what I really want to know is if anyone thinks there is a chance we could get back together in such circumstances. We still hug and kiss on greeting and leaving and we both admit that it will take a long time to get over as we still love each other. He just doesn't think he can live with anyone and is thinks (he's 55 and I believe him on this one too) he needs to be by himself for ther rest of his life. He says he had 'pressure' issues during his marriage too and has always wanted a solitary existence, but that he thought things could be different after we met. He says he's tried very hard but has to admit he feels this way.

 

I love him very much and wish there was some hope but what do you think from what he's said? And am I just deluding myself that if I keep dignified, and remain friends, he will regret his decision, become lonely and want me back??

[odile]

Pixiedoc, I'm sorry that you're struggling with this.

 

It does sound like the two of you have shared something special, and there seems to be a bond there.

But it also sounds like each of you want very different things from that bond.

 

If you keep pushing, and hoping, that there is a chance that you will weaken what you do have, which is at the least, a deep friendship-- and close friendship should not be taken for granted.

 

Keeping 'dignified', and remaining friends is absolutely the only thing you can do right now.

I also think that the only way that you can do this and find joy in it is by truly letting go of the hopes that you have for anything more romantic from him.

[ragdoll18]

I can't really say if there's a chance for you guys to get together, but I can tell you what I've learned about situations like this. I'm wondering why he needs to be alone after he was for 10 years before you. Also think about if you really are in love someone would you chose to be alone rather than be with them? I find things like this to be just what they sound like, excuses to get out of the relationship.

 

I do not agree with exes staying friends unless both people are completely over each other and have moved on. Staying friends with someone that you have feelings for and hope that you might get back together is just pro-longing the pain. If you stay friends with him for a while hurt everytime you seeing him, then to realize one day that it's definetly over, think about how much more pain you are going to be in. My suggestion would be to let him go completely, if he comes back then great, if not then find someone else who won't rather be alone than with you.

[Pixiedoc]

Thanks guys, a dose of reality is always good for the soul! Today we went food shopping together (he paid), he initiated contact despite me reminding him that he did not have any responsibilities towards me any more....we kissed and hugged, he called me 'honey' and everything was as it was before, except we don't spend the night together. I'm more confused now than I was last week when things were raw...