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boyfriend not interested in sex


sj123
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don&...
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don't Accept His SH*T!)

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I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and everything is great apart from the lack of sex. (we are in our early 20's) He has never wanted sex that often and we have argued about it a lot. We probably have sex about once every 2/3 weeks, but everytime I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive and just doesn't want to know. He says that I should make an effort too and that its not all up to him, i agree but the thing is he knows that I would like more sex and sometimes I suggest sex but he says thats no good and that I should do something to initiate it rather than just ask! Thing is im nervous of doing this in case he just says no and im left feeling embarassed! I really love him and I know he loves me, hes really affectionate in other ways but just doesn't have a very high sex drive.

 

Any advice would be great. Thankyou.

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hey sj123,

 

Have you talked to your BF about the things that turn him on or excite him? Maybe a game of dress up or some roll playing would spice things up. I always found that a quiet Friday night with a dirty movie could be a lot of fun too (depending on whether or not you guys are into that). It sounds like it's just time to spice things up a bit. Once every 2 - 3 weeks is too long for a healthy couple in their early 20's.

 

Does he take any meds for depression or anything? Does he drink a lot? Does he smoke or anything? Just thinking that maybe something else feeds into it.

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Thanks, i mean when we do have sex he is the one that initiates it so maybe i should just go for it and see what happens rather than just asking! he does smoke and drink but not excessively. He just really hates talking about it when I bring it up.

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I think you're right. Just go for it. Really, it's pretty rare that a guy turns down sex. I know when I was married I was a little shy about asking for it when I wanted it and our sex life suffered some. But get into it, buy something sexy and surprise him with it. Grab him by the hand while he's on the couch and drag him to the bedroom. Something like that. Be a little bit more forward about it. I bet he'll want it all the time then. Good luck.

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i think for most men having their SO initiate goes a long way towards their self esteem, i know i was in a relationship that in a way gave me perspective on both sides of your situation.

 

on one hand i was feeling insecure because i would try and hit a wall. on the other hand she would hardly ever initiate, combine these two aspects and my drive as well as my confidence in the matter was slowly beaten to a pulp. i dont think there is such a thing as to much sex or to little sex, its all a question if both sides are happy with the amount of sex going on.

 

i definitely think you should just go for it, kiss him, hug him, do whatever it is that you want, make him see the he excites you, not with words but with actions, in your own way (whatever that may be). in my experience there are very few things that will turn a man on more then a woman he is attracted to that really shows him that he turns her on. most importantly just relax and have fun.

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I have the eexxxaaacccttt same problem with my boyfriend. We're also in our early 20s. It was great in the beginning...but then it just died.

 

I found out later that he was so nervous to impress me in the beginning that he stopped taking this antidepressant medication he'd taken for years. That's why it was so good for almost 6 months. Then suddenly it stopped when he had to go back on it.

 

It's now been like this for a year or almost a year and a half. Exactly like what you said. He's definitely attracted to me and jokes all the time that I'm too pretty for him. So it's not that. It was just that he was back on his medication.

 

Which might I say he's JUST as defensive about talking about as the lack of sex, which is why it took me so long to find out what the problem is. He has no problem with erections or anything. He's just lacking the drive and especially the confidence now. So maybe there's something like that? If he's defensive talking about sex (which most guys would be), then he might be super defensive about what's really behind it.

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sounds like he wants you to take control...you know, to dominate him. I have the opposite problem, my bf never takes control and trust me, when you always have to be the one to initiate things, you just feel like giving up after a while. I don't think this has to do with his lack of sex drive, he's just tired because he always has to do the work.

 

Here's my advice: The next time you two are alone, don't say anything, don't ask questions. Just approach him and go nuts and do everything in your power to please him. Kiss him passionately. Touch him where he likes it. Go down on him. You get the idea... Not only will he be totally turned on, you'll feel empowered. Let me know if this helps things =)

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Since he has asked you to initiate then if he says 'no' he is the one who should feel bad, not you.

 

I suggest you try to overcome your fear of rejection and just full on initiate it once and see what happens. IF he doesn't reciprocate, then you have your answer that there is more going on than that. Just brace yourself and go for it. You have been with this man for awhile, no need to feel embarrassed showing your sexuality in front of him. If he were to reject your advances, that is his bad not yours since you are trying to give the compromise HE requested.

 

And he won't be able to ever use this as an excuse again if he does reject you since that is obviously not the issue.

 

If this doesn't work then he might have an ED issue that he is too embarrassed to talk about. This is something men are engrained to believe is taboo and too afraid to mention it to his girl for fear of not looking like a 'real man'. Or, maybe there are other intimacy issues at play. At a minimum, going ahead and full on initiating will give you your answer as to whether or not this is really the problem. It will be a relief to know the answer to that regardless of it works, or doesn't. At least the question mark will be removed.

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I kinda disagree that if he rejects the first time she makes the first move that it automatically means he does not like sex, it could just be that he just isnt in the mood on that particular day.

 

To the OP;

Try intiating at least a few times and then you would know where his sex drive stands

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thank you for all your help. I'm just going to go for it and I really hope it works, otherwise I don't know what the problem is! I just get the impression that there is more to it because of the fact that he gets so defensive when I bring it up. Its just strange because like kate said I know he is attracted to me because of how affectionate he is with me, he's always kissing me and hugging me and stuff. I'll let u know how I get on

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Men like it when women initiate sex. It makes them feel wanted and sexy. Don't be embarrassed if he turns you down once in a while. If it is all the time, then first you need to figure out if maybe you are approaching him at the wrong time of day. If he's rushed for work then he may have to turn you down. Solution: Set your alarm a half an hour earlier the next time so he still has plenty of time to make it to work. If he needs time to relax after work then give him an hour or so and then make your move. If he turns you down alot, then let him find you pleasuring yourself. If nothing works your going to have to suck it up and have a serious discussion with him. Sex is an important part of any relationship and if your not getting it from him, you need to find out why. Sooner than later.

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